Hi. Thanks for asking me to review your work. 
In reviewing the first chapter of your novel, the first thing I would suggest is to create more and clearer conflict. So far it seems like everyone is on the same side and there’s only a rather vague idea of what the main character, Marcus and the other vampires need protection from. You do mention someone named Ardeo who is portrayed as a threat, but I don’t think there’s enough sense of danger.
In addition to heightened conflict, I think you also need to cut down on your description for better pacing. Now in my writing I think I often offer too little descriptive detail since I prefer heavy dialogue, so I might not be the best judge of how much description to offer. However, you have Marcus do too much “telling.” Since he’s the narrator, it’s natural that he will do at least some telling, but he needs to do a lot less of it to keep the story moving forward.
I think one thing that you’ve made fairly clear is that while a vampire keeper’s relationship with the vampires he/she protects is more or less symbiotic, it is potentially deadly for both parties. I think this creates good tension, but it needs to be developed and explained a lot further.
I might suggest making the first conversation between Marcus and Michelle Justine longer and more tense. Perhaps, Justine ought to be more suspicious and more reluctant. I’m not sure what you plan her relationship to be with the vampires, but I do know that she’s taking a risk as her parents were killed by vampires.
I realize that she’s making a huge fortune off of her line of work, but does she need the money? What are her motivations? If it’s the money, I would make it apparent that she lives very, very extravagantly so she goes through the millions she earns very quickly. Perhaps she has a private jet, a yacht, a house in France, perhaps she has to have police and lawyers on her payroll to protect her vampires – she needs to have good reason to need to still deal w/ the likes of vampires after she’s already been taking care of them for years and, I’m guessing, earning millions all the while. It might take a little research, but when you have Marcus look around her house, perhaps he should recognize important pieces of art and priceless furniture.
Not only does it need to be clearer why Justine needs the vampires, but I want more information on why they are coming to her at this moment of time. Apparently, Marcus has been awake for a year after a decades long sleep and there is this threat, Ardeo. I think Justine needs to dig a little deeper before she agrees to take on the coven since you establish that she’s cautious. She should know more about what these vampires are getting her into by asking “Is there anyone in particular I’m protecting you from?” Perhaps, Marcus could lie and when Justine does a background check, she discovers he’s lying. That would be good conflict.
It’s helpful that Marcus is new to the concept of vampire keepers. I think he could say something like “Lauren and the others of my coven have explained a bit to me about keepers, but your prices are high, tell me what is special about the services you provide?”
Basically, I think one thing that separates your novel from other vampire novels is the concept that vampires need protection so right away you need to fill your first chapter with the dangers vampires face. Therefore the reader will truly see the compelling reasons why the coven needs Justine. Also, I think it would be good to have Justine describe one or two extraordinary things she’s done to protect her vampires which will a) explain to the reader what vampire keepers do and b)impress Marcus that she is the keeper they need.
It’s fairly clear that this is going to be Marcus’ story, or, if it’s a romance, perhaps Marcus’ and Justine’s story. What do you like about Marcus? What reasons do you think the reader has to want to like and read about Marcus? Frankly, I don’t know much about him from the first chapter except that he needs protection for himself and his companions and that he’s apparently bisexual. I do get a sense that he’s loving (and not just in a sexual way) to his three companions and, as their leader, is protective of them, but I don’t feel like I know quite enough to like him. Vampires are traditionally depicted as decadent and amoral, so it’s probably a tougher challenge to make a vampire likable than most characters, but it’s important for readers to be engaged early on so they’re invested in what happens to him.
Another thing I might suggest before Justine agrees to bring the coven to Dallas is for her to ask about the three other vampires. Instead of having them hide in a warehouse, I would have the three of them in different parts of the bar. It feels much more natural and less intrusive to the reader if the vampires are described in dialogue than in a narrative pasage. For example:
“The little blond one in the back corner is Lafayette. He is Lauren’s lover,” I said.
“He looks young,” said Justine, craning her neck for a better view. “I bet he needs to feed every day.”
“You are correct.”
“I hope he’s careful then. Does Lauren watch out for him, I hope?”
“Actually, you’ll find that it’s often Lafayette that needs to watch out for Lauren.”
Okay, this way you’ve gotten a little bit of a description of Lafayette, who he is in the coven, and that Marcus thinks that despite Lafayette’s youth, Lauren is often the more reckless one. You also show that Justine knows something about vampires if she recognizes that a young one has to feed every day.
Slowly she melted dropping her defensive stance to lean casually against the bar. – When you say someone melted, it sounds like some kind of romantic surrender which I don’t think you intend. I think you just mean “Slowly her defensive posture faded and she leaned casually against the bar.”
“I believe he goes by Adam” – Remember to have a new paragraph when you have a new speaker.
"Marcus, Marcus is my name, my real name. But as I understand it is a bit dated” -- This confused me. This may have been a hint that we are in the future, but if so it needed to be clearer.
His question “Contract? What? Will you take me to court?” is good. And her answer is smart and tough.
You have some British spellings. “Offence should be offense”
"So does each vampire need to have his own keeper?"
"Some of us will hire out to a small coven, but if you mean random vampires at once no. Why?"
Here Justine is not answering the question quite the way you asked. I think you need him to ask “Do keepers ever take on more than one vampire?”
It sooths me to write. Even the most difficult and rewarding endeavors that I have undergone have and will eternally be committed to this ongoing work. Thus begins the adventure with Michelle Justine. – That should be “soothes”. Watch out for verb tense. I can see why soothes would be in the present tense since I’m guessing it still does soothe Marcus to write, but since the other actions with Justine happened in the past, you need “Thus began”
I haven’t read very far into chapter two yet, but I noticed that the vampires seem very comfortable going to a party and feasting on victims. So it seems odd that they would be fearfully hiding tonight while waiting for Marcus. If there’s a reason they are very afraid this night and not afraid the night of the party, that needs to be much, much clearer. Otherwise, I think it would be helpful to have them at the bar so Justine can see them, allowing them to be described to the reader. Also if Marcus gets in trouble, four vampires are stronger than one.
They waited in the basement of the local warehouse in terror of being found. I was a bit frightened myself. Lauren was pacing the floor impatiently. His long black hair was flowing free around his shoulders. Lauren always looked a little crazy, like a caged wild animal, especially… –
In my opinion, Marcus talks a bit much. Don’t interrupt your story with too much description. I wouldn’t have him talk at length about finding Justine “amazing.” Perhaps, just say “I was surprised to find myself still staring at the way her hair sashayed about her hips as she left. I sensed that despite her small stature and feminine demeanor, she was quite strong, perhaps even powerful.” It is too soon for him to know that she is amazing and I think it makes more sense if he “suspects” that she’s more than she appears instead of knowing it.
Since Marcus just met Michelle Justine, it does make sense that he would tell the reader a little bit about what he thinks of her. On the other hand, there’s no reason for Marcus to pick this moment to tell the reader that Lauren always looks crazy or that his beauty has always mystified him. Also, since it’s apparently a very bad thing that Adrian is missing, don’t take the time to describe Lauren’s hair. You need to get to the alarming moment – that Adrian is missing – right away, otherwise it doesn’t seem as compelling.
The concept of being able to sense another immortal is nicely done and portrayed. The way you show that Marcus is a bit nervous about running into an unknown vampire also adds good tension.
Now, the description of the slum house, even though it’s long, is mostly fine. It makes sense for Marcus to be thoroughly describing what he sees as he sees it
The next room back was a small dirty kitchen with ants crawling over dishes that had not been cleaned in months. The stench of rotting food emanated from the sink that had not been an equally long time. – Since the only thing the description is doing here is telling us what kind of place Adrian goes to when he wants to feed, don’t spend too much time on it. Simply, “The next room back was a small kitchen, crawling with ants and foul with the stench of rotting food.”
What is the purpose of the scene where Marcus discovers Adrian in the slum house? You’ve established that Marcus is alarmed that he’s missing, but then their interaction is calm. Adrian seems a bit miffed, but there’s no real conflict/drama. Did Adrian disobey Marcus’ orders? Has Adrian put the coven at risk? I think for this scene to be important it needs to establish something –Perhaps you are establishing that Marcus doesn’t have complete control over the coven and Adrian’s rebellious nature could threaten him. Or there could be a heated argument where we see that Marcus is furious, but perhaps it’s revealed that his fury is based on his fear that his beloved Adrian will be killed if he goes out alone. This way you show Marcus’ loving, parental nature. The fact that all is quickly forgiven is fine.
“We have to get to Texas tomorrow” – this makes me wonder where they are now. If Justine lives in Dallas, what is she doing in a bar in some other city and state? If she agreed to meet Marcus in some other city, then that really needs to be explained. How did he contact her? Why did she agree to meet him? Perhaps that doesn't need to be explained, but at least make it clearer if the meeting was a planned one.
cooing him all the while – “cooing to him”
What are you trying to establish by having the vampires feed off of and kill young boys? I think your description of Lafayette’s graceful feeding is well-done and I think fans of Poppy Z. Brite would tell you it’s nicely erotic, but if your vampires are the protagonists, then I feel you’ve made them a bit more villainous.
The delightful little southern belle answered the door – Is Justine a southern belle? You didn’t establish that before. Also, I’m not sure what relationship you intend Marcus to have with Justine, but I’m not sure he knows her well enough to call her delightful as their conversation was brief and very business-like. In my opinion it’s actually best if he’s attracted to her despite his own better judgement and isn’t at all sure that she’s delightful or can be trusted.
a brilliant shade of hunter green – Is hunter green a brilliant color? Perhaps, a “deep” shade?
You have the word “chandler” – I looked that up in the dictionary and it meant a merchant who sells candles or soap. Perhaps the dictionary wasn’t very good, but did you mean chandelier?
The “rising conflict within the undead” is intriguing, but I want it to be much more front and center. What I would suggest is some kind of inciting action – For example, perhaps the reason that Marcus decides to seek out Justine is that a good vampire friend of his was just killed. Marcus describes what happened to Justine so that the reader gets more of a hint of what the undead unrest is about. This also provides the reason that Marcus and his coven have decided that life looks too dangerous and need to approach Justine now. I suspect that you might have some of the same ideas coming up, but you need to have them in chapter one so the reader will be more captivated by the story.
It’s odd that Marcus already signed a contract without knowing all of the rules. He seems too smart to do that. Also, Justine claims that the reasons her prices are so high are because she’s been “asking around the campfire” and has learned that Marcus and his coven are high risk. However, she didn’t know who Marcus was or that he had a coven when she told him her prices. So it only makes sense if she says “I’ve been asking around the campfire about you and I must tell you my price has gone up. Still from what I understand, I’m the one being generous here for taking this contract.” That’s a great sentence from her, by the way. She’s a tough character.
Kitchen description – unless there’s any importance to this description then there’s no reason to mention it. But say, for example, that Marcus notices that all the appliances were stainless steel because steel can kill vampires, then it’s important. Justine preparing boiling blood for the vampires is fascinating. You don’t explain what that's about which is fine. The vampires, I’m guessing, would already know what that’s about so it’s not natural for Marcus to explain it. When this process enters the story again you can describe certain things (like where she gets the blood from) at that point
He nodded delightfully to my suggestion -- If his nod is delightful, then this is correct except I think it should be “He nodded delightfully at my suggestion” or if you meant that Lafayette was very pleased then you should have “He nodded, delighted at my suggestion.”
Surprisingly it suited him very well, being decorated very glitzy and richly in white and dark cherry woods -- Why is it surprising? If you’re saying that Lauren is hard to please, you need to establish that. I would delete the word glitzy as it feels inconsistent with the slightly formal tone you've given Marcus.
The feeling strikes my that good things will happen with her, Adrian, we can finally be safe and watch the world go by." – “The feeling strikes me”
As I lie face up staring at the intricacy of brush strokes in the gray paint on the ceiling. An icy shiver went through my body, - “As I lay” Put a comma after ceiling instead of the period. I like the fact that Marcus is chilled to realize other vampires have been there. It shows that he’s not entirely at ease – good tension. Why would a vampire use intricate strokes to paint a plain grey ceiling? If you have an explanation for this later, then keep it.
Hmm, you mention that it bothers Marcus to take children, but it didn’t bother him very much yesterday. I would like him better if he raised an objection yesterday when children were brought back and you should say “they brought back two boys” instead of “we.” I do think it’s admirable that you give Marcus a bit of vampire’s remorse. The tragedy of needing to kill is largely what made Interview With The Vampire such a successful book. I think it’s very smart of you to establish that Marcus seeks out the terminally ill. It makes him much more an angel of death than an evil entity.
I think the conflict between Justine and Marcus is good here, but I don’t fully understand. I think you’re saying that she thinks she’s pegged all four of them into her fixed vampire stereotypes right away and that presumption has annoyed Marcus, but I’m not sure why that leads him to say “You’re not the quality of keeper we need.”
He had sown me what I needed to do – “shown me” The fact that Justine has had her parents killed by vampires and has staked a vampire herself should be a major red flag for Marcus. This is good conflict, but you should show that he is increasingly wary of her and is unhappy that they need her.
It’s not believable that a mayor of a huge city would learn that quickly about four of his constituents that are so very new to town, not to mention, in hiding. I would establish that Lauren found a way to have their names put on the list. I think the decision to go to the party should be weighed a lot more carefully if the danger is real.
Overall, I think if the key point in this first chapter is that the vampires are in danger, then the reader needs to feel that danger a lot more. Show us a little of what’s happened to other vampires that are now dead and gone. Show us a bit what these four have escaped. Don’t worry about establishing what Marcus thinks of his vampire friends or Justine so quickly. You have a long time to show what Marcus thinks of his companions and it’s more realistic if Marcus’ opinions of Justine develop more slowly.
Let me know if you have question or need more help.
Keep up the good work.
darshan1
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