I'll review using the following system. Spelling mistakes Grammatical Errors My suggestions
This sentance doesn't really make sense. I think it needs to be split into two sentances. But there was another sound that could barely be heard ever so quickly, moving ever so quietly and carefully. It was the small, soundless If it's soundless then how can he hear it? Maybe change the 'small' to 'slight' and add 'almost' before the 'soundless' tap of feet hitting the ground.
I could barely stay awake. There was definitely something wrong with this place.
I looked over to my left, and to my surprise I saw a small, insignificant shadow of light cast on the ground. I don't really understand what a shadow of light is... but I think you might mean a sliver of light.
I sat down on the edge on the edge on the edge has been repeated of the stone
Below me was a pit of darkness; above me were more tunnels, perhaps even more light. This sentance is just repeating what was said in the paragraph before it. It's not really needed.
The wind blew easily on the cold, dark night. The large tree wandered I suggest changing wandered to waved its lifeless branches freely in the air, its last leaf falling solemnly on the ground.
Men are not born of demons, but neither are they born of angels I'd change the 'of's to 'from's
or perhaps he had suffered from a single tragic event that had made him this way or perhaps he grew up in a diminishing, abused childhood or perhaps, or perhaps it was all of these reasons. Or perhaps it was none of these reasons at all. There is too much repetition of 'or perhaps'. I suggest using different words or phrases that mean the same thing, like 'maybe'.
Without it, he could not exist, for it was his purpose, and without it, we cannot exist. I'd change the last half of the sentance to read 'and without purpose, nothing can exist.' If that is what you were trying to say... otherwise you are just repeating yourself.
He had fought for all of them. Most of the time he had won, claiming their lives as a prize to his victory and a token of his greatness. This doesn't really make sense to me. Did he fight those people and by winning, he killed them? If that is the case then shouldn't it read 'He won all the time' instead of 'most of the time'?
I think this story has a lot of potential. It could use more descriptions of environments though, like what was the house where the people were sleeping like? And, apart from dark, what were the tunnels like? did they all look the same or were some larger than others. were the tunnels empty or were there objects on the floor or walls?
Keep working at it and I'll review it again sometime.
Here are some suggestions that I feel could improve this grammatically.
He had gathered up what he could and then burned the house. He never wanted to see it again. He felt calm as he watched the fire burn everything. He set out carrying what he could in his backpack, Here, you use 'he' at the start of each sentance. I would suggest rearranging some of the sentances. Just so they don't all start with 'he'.
Emily had been delighted at the sign that they might go camping now when mama had told her they had to wait until she was 12.
Emily viewed 4 years as being eternity. When using small numbers, its best to write them out as words (twelve, four etc)
“Ever read a whale for the killing, by Farley Mowat?” name of a book, should read 'A Whale for the Killing'
I really like this story... i think it shows potential. Its a good concept too. I think you should continue if you want to. I don't think the rating will put too many people off reading it.
I really liked this chapter. What I liked best about it was the way you described David's emotions when he told her that he didn't know she didnt want a relationship. I've had my heart broken before and the way you have written this is exactly how it feels. Again, the only thing I can think to improve is that in some of the sentances at the start, it feels like a word has been missed out. Other than that, I think that this story is very deep and emotional, and will make an impact on anyone who reads it.
I'm not a GREAT fan of stories like this, but I do like this one. I like how you have incorporated so many details about the characters while still leading the story on. Many times I have lost my interest in a story because it gets paused so the writer can give details about a character. You, however, have kept the story flowing, using a chracters thoughts and feelings to channel it onwards. Your character development is very strong. It felt like I was learning something new about the characters in every paragraph. The only thing I can suggest, improvement wise, is that around the start and middle of the chapter, there are sections where some of the very short sentances don't really make sense, as if a word has been missed out, or some of the words are in the wrong order. I look forward to reading chapter two
This is a brilliant short story. I don't usually like reading short stories because I feel they don't have enough depth or explain anything particularly well, but this story does. It is deep and rich in plot, concept and detail, and everything that needs to be explained is done so excelently.
If you ever want anything else reviewed, don't hesitate to ask.
This is a very well thought up concept. I especially like the way you have told backstory through peoples thought and memories. As I read on I became increasingly drawn in, both through narrative devices (as mentioned above) and through the plot itself. There are a few, but not many, spelling mistakes, but they are minor ones anyway. The only thing I can suggest to improve on is how the speech is set out. I sometimes found it difficult to know who was speaking because it seems as though the speaker changes when you put the text on a new line, but much of the time its the same speaker and I cannot think of the reason for the space in the middle. I hope this helps. Let me know when you have written more to this story.
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