An interesting poem using interesting, original rhyme, sometimes a bit forced. Makes you think. Like the punctuation. Good metaphors. (challenging ceilings, without damaging feelings.)
Sad though, the notion of not shooting for the stars.
Several concurrent meanings. Multivalence for sure!
Very interesting metaphorical Poem. At first, had to double back to
Unfurling across the bed,
I see you cast to the wind
your chemical pestilence
and wither my friends
among the dutiful league.
Very interesting. And then that of course caused me to double back and read the whole Poem again. It invokes feeling throughout. Very good use of imagery and personification. Definitely one of the better Poems I've read in a while.
Great introductory line, which immediately leads us into the second line, introducing a character (He).
So I'm thinking the character is a grave digger, somebody familiar with death and eulogies. A eulogy is a short talk given at the end of life, summarizing life. And this Poem is a eulogy in itself.
It tells the entire story of a man's life in very few words. The two questions that interrupt the Poem cause us to pause and think about the character's perspective.
Excellent imagery and I'm still stuck on the metaphor: What sort of blanket is a soul?
I'm left feeling the coldness of death. Well written Poem, very scary tone, really gets me thinking.
A good poem walking us through the "contract of life" with the use of repetition to create a cadence.
The the tense switches from first to second person, creating an interesting turn. As a Reader, I found myself threatened by the change. Very well done.
Using metaphor the author reminds us that beneath the surface of the mud, there's more mud. Honesty is that which remains after the removal of layers of decor meant to mislead.
The essay starts with a seemingly apologetic allusion to previous work. But then the Reader is hit with the irony of the line, that it is meant as a decorum, that it illustrates the whole point, and then entirety of the essay makes sense.
I'd recommend those who want to experience a short trick of the mind, over the issue of reality, to read this!
Honestly . . .
We are in such a habit of decorating the pig, we don't realize it's a pig!
What an excellent article, and an excellent topic. I'm rating this a 5.0 because of what a great idea you have, even though it could improve slightly in the way you present your ideas . . . the mechanics of your presentation.
Mechanically, you might want to break this article up a bit more into distinct paragraphs backing each of your points. With just a few carriage returns, I think this article would be much easier to read.
But still, you do a great job of establishing your principle and then drilling down into the day-to-day results of this principle (free will and individual choices.) You might want to end the article with a summary paragraph.
From a "meaning perspective," you really have a great concept here. I like the "generic" approach to this as well, though I wonder if some might be offended by your use of the word "god" without the capitalization. DON'T CHANGE THAT, for those who would take offense at this will not understand your article anyway. I suspect some of your weaker ratings may be more of a reaction to the meaning you propose than your ability to write, which is unfortunate.
I have long believed that since everything is made of something else, nothing really exists, except the energy (information) that assembles everything . . . "the pattern that connects all patterns that connect all patterns that connect . . . "
You propose the opposite of that, that the only thing that exists is everything. And then you come to the same conclusion. I'm very intrigued.
As a Poet, I picked this story because your introduction gave it a "poetic feel."
I really liked the introductory sentence. I suggest you put it as a stand-alone sentence. The pause that the paragraph break will cause will add to a mystical effect.
The story is really easy to read.
I love simile even if it is a bit overused (thick as a fog). Maybe you can find another metaphor to take it's place. Start thinking about it and one day it'll come to you. Still, I like the image of breathing malaise in like fog.
I'm wondering where the dialog is.
The second paragraph is well-written. The way you describe a recurring nightmare without using those words shows us, rather than telling us, what's happening. Well done.
Having done a great job of establishing the setting, the third and fourth paragraphs start the plot. It's very interesting. Still, I'm hungry for dialog. Even something as simple as her saying your name before the embrace.
Still, I see why you're sticking to description, given what a great describer you are. I'm there, I can feel the woman myself, in the way you describe the embrace.
The fifth paragraph is the anti-climax, but (perhaps because I'm starving for dialog) it's hard to feel anti-climatic. The plot is like this: Setting, dreamer has nightmares, dreamer's nightmares interrupted by intriguing introduction to woman, they embrace, dreamer is inspired to make the dream a reality.
The ending is very well written.
With such a great beginning and ending, and such excellent description, this story can be very powerful if you add dialog and conflict resolution just before the anti-climax.
I love the way this Poem begins, reaching out and grabbing me, the Reader, and pulling me in . . .
MECHANICS:
I'd have to say that, in my opinion (and only my preferential opinion), if you're going to use punctuation throughout the Poem (like dashes and commas and ellipses and periods and question marks), then you should not start every line with a capital letter. I'm not saying that my opinion on this is "best practice," but consider going through the poem and un-capitalizing lines that are second parts of an overall sentence. I think it will make the Poem read better.
This Poem paints pictures very well. The description in it is excellent, conjuring images we can all relate to.
MEANING:
If you read this Poem pretending like you do not know anything about bowling, "the big hook" becomes a metaphor for whatever it is that drives us to do our best in life.
The way the Poem ends with two questions really gets you thinking.
Dan Sturn here very happy he tripped across this poem.
The way this Poem starts off simply draws us in with an image of somebody offering love . . .
MECHANICS:
I love how you appropriately punctuate this Poem, something that I rarely see on writing.com. What I mean by this: a sentence is a sentence, a line split into several lines are properly punctuated with commas when appropriate. Yet you also realize that when commas are not appropriate, they are also not required, like these two lines:
As long as the serpent stays away
with needles and candy.
However, those two lines are my only complaint . . . they do not comprise a full sentence. I think that you should have linked them to the following sentence, like this:
As long as the serpent stays away
with needles and candy,
he believes he can save her.
Anyway, the rhythm is consistent and the Poem is easy to read.
MEANING:
This Poem is one gigantic metaphor that can be read several different ways, meaning that the Poem itself offers a LOT of multivalence. The Poet could be writing about her lover, or her muse, or her god.
Given this, each metaphor within the Poem is a metaphor within a metaphor. In other words, the picture that the protagonist smooths at the beginning of the Poem could symbolize the act of writing, or simply a lover. In other words, we can even take this Poem literally, which is probably your intention in writing it!
The ending caused me to put this review away for a while and return to it, for it took me off guard. I'm still not sure exactly what it means.
Which makes this a cool Poem that one would like to return to!
Speaking of interesting, what an interesting way to illustrate that we leave a legacy in all we do! And you do it with a great (yet sad) story.
MECHANICS:
The almost-rhymes in this Poem are very interesting. (life, sight; head, braid; mine, time; snake, hate; etc.) The rhythm is not metrical but works well.
Metaphors are excellent, such as comparing a whip to "Master's snake." I especially like the near-rhymes in words that boost each other's meaning.
MEANING:
The imagery is excellent. For example, the Poem starts right off comparing the lines of her face to the journey of her life to roads taken because of despair.)
But it also tells us a lot about "her." For example, you tell us about her in the line "bought from a gypsy queen."
To me, it turns into a "story poem" with the line, "her head hurt when they were sold."
One suggestion for improvement, how about a simile on that particular line (her head hurt . . .) . . . what did it hurt like??
I love the personification "the past never rests." What an excellent line, almost a proverb in itself.
Sometimes the rhythm seems to change, and I'm not sure if this is on purpose to draw attention to the line or not.
Also, you're missing a question mark on the fourth line of the second stanza, the fifth line of the third stanza, and the third line of the fourth stanza.
The rhyme scheme, though inconsistent, is very original and interesting.
MEANING:
This Poem looks backwards while expounding your belief system. To be able to tell an entire story with questions is a feat in itself.
The entrance to this Poem creates a great image. I'm picturing a summer night. I love "swirling black canopy."
Interesting use of capitalization, punctuation, and "hurling words" make this a very creative Poem.
The way the Poem arrives at rhythm and rhyme speeds it up and creates a crescendo that juxtaposes against the last two lines, the punch lines, that tie together the meaning.
MEANING:
I agree with your introduction (that this is something we can all relate to.)
Becoming comfortable with Uncertainty is what life is all about, in my opinion. The only constant is change. I almost feel a bit slighted by the notion that these are feelings only eighteen-year-olds feel, as that year is long since passed for me, but I still feel these feelings.
I don't see a lot of multivalence in this Poem. That's not a bad thing, it's just an observance.
Throughout reading this Poem, I was asking myself, "am I going to be able to find a suggestion for improvement?"
Your writing style exudes poetic devices, like the consonance and assonance in the first line, and the repetition of rhythm throughout, interrupted with a changed rhythm in just the right places to create a mood. (switching from iambic to trochaic meter as an example.)
Your use of trochee is unique, at least from my experience in reading modern Poetry. ("I had seen him in the," as an example.)
Your rhymes are very original. ("owned, postponed).
Of course, anybody that would review a Poem without reading at least three times is, in my opinion, being disingenuous. As I was going through this the second time, my thought was "this is so easy to read, it makes a 42 line Poem as short as a haiku!"
But that first line, as neat as it is, does trip my tongue a bit. I can't see why you would want to do that, especially in a first line. I think it's because the rhythm switches on the words amidst and misty too early in the Poem.
MEANING:
I love the surprise ending.
As I read through this the first time, I felt that it was about a homeless man. Having read the ending, the second read left me confused. But by the time I read it the third time, tears came to my eyes.
The intention of this Poem is to evoke emotion. You succeeded.
The way you invoke perspective of looking up and looking down lends itself to Multivalence. The meanings in this Poem are both literal and spiritual. I can see this Poem being about a homeless man, or the way a Father feels "groundlessness" as he watches his son (or in my case, daughter) grow up. I can even read into this that it could be about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Tongue tripping first line notwithstanding, this Poem deserves a 5.0, and I just promised myself after reading Storymaster's reminder about good reviewing that I would try to get my ratings to average a 3.0.
You probably don't remember, but way back in September I promised you I'd review a few Poems in your portfolio. I'm now getting to that.
--------------MEANING---------------------
This Poem attracted me because I am very much interested in the way people feel about the end of their own life. My 97-year-old grandmother has the best attitude of anyone I've met.
This Poem is very interesting. The images it conjures are very original, and yes, there seems to be an acceptance. The serenity this Poem projects is how I hope I actually feel when I'm dying. But it takes an acceptance that you can't change the inevitable. In other words, you have to be "beyond the fight" to get to this Poem. That's the only hope I have for my own death, that I have the presence of mind in order to watch, and enjoy, the experience that I will only experience one time.
--------------- MECHANICS --------------------
The Poem does a great job of creating the images referred to above. My only suggestion is that, in my opinion, the Poem would be better if you removed all the passive verbs. In other words, change "The clouds are so near" to just "the clouds so near."
Interesting . . . . state of being verbs . . . at the end of being.
I usually break my reviews into MEANING and MECHANICS:
------------- MEANING --------------
I always love it when a writing.com piece improves my vocabulary, and was interested to find out that I am actually a dilettante more than I am a writer, though I do consider myself to be a Poet Warrior!
I think the main lesson of your essay is: Persistence is the only way to become a published author.
------------- MECHANICS ------------
Please keep in mind as a Poet I might not have a clue what good writing is.
I like the length of the essay. I don't know if that's good or bad, but other than telling us more about yourself, and telling us that if we persist we may eventually too be published, it doesn't seem to offer anything new. There doesn't seem to be a crescendo, climax, and anti-climax.
It does read well and of course punctuation/spelling/etc. exudes your commitment to writing well.
I feel one way you can improve this piece is to draw a more clear connection between being a dilettante and getting published. In other words, perhaps it is your love of the craft that helped you persist.
If not, then tell us what it is that helped you persist. Why did you hang in there? What part of your personality allowed you to overcome the disappointment of rejection?
Another way to make this useful would be to share what you were paid when you were paid what you were paid. I think that would be GREAT knowledge for those of us who are getting published because we're offering our work for free. I personally write for a lot of trade magazines, and I am afraid to ask for money because I don't know where to start.
I like to break my reviews into two areas: MEANING and MECHANICS.
-------------- MEANING -----------------
This is my point EXACTLY. I'd rather have what I call a "drive-by review" than a gushy review. (See "Drive-by Not, Please" and you'll see how much I don't like drive-by reviews.) But usually drive-by reviews are gushy too. Heck, I've received two reviews from the same person that were almost exactly the same review.
They do NOT help.
Having said that, I will always try to find something positive in somebody's Poetry, or I simply will not review it. But there is RARELY a Poem, even by the great Poets of history, that is "perfect."
If it's obvious a Poet is just getting started, I'll go easy on the rating. I'll point out the areas of improvement, but if I give them a two star rating, I fear they will stop writing, and that would completely defeat the whole purpose.
If I have the time, what I like to do is review several Poems by one Poet simultaneously and point out the one I like the best and the one I like the least.
------------ MECHANICS ------------------
Now I must live up to what you're calling for, and how you say what you say is pretty darn good.
So, first of all, I love your aphorism (Rejection is the whetstone on which writers hone their craft.)
Topic well chosen (who isn't interested in reviewing on writing.com?)
You do a great job of luring the Reader into your essay.
You inspire us to be more honest in our reviewing.
It's hard to find ways to improve this essay, so please don't think this is too picayune, but perhaps you can put a space between your bullet points under "Why would I object to such glowing reviews." Maybe indenting them would set them off a bit better as well.
You offer several suggestions on what good reviewing should be without actually "telling" us, instead you point out how good reviews help you improve your craft.
One other area that MIGHT improve your writing: the sentence "Oh, those reviewers gave me . . . " might read better if it started, "While those reviewers . . . "
I don't think you needed to put the "end of rant" part in there, but it does soften the blow a bit.
I really like you how link to another point of view, (but now I have yet another piece to read before I quit tonight.)
Anyway, thanks for writing this essay. It needed to be said!
This excellent Poem about 21st Century life, using lots of great metaphors that start off centered on the theme of islands and, methodically, work towards a more technical description such as split veins and meters and cracked Coke bottles.
I like the repetition of the word "lost" at the end, which echoes the repetition of the word "island" at the beginning (if you include the title). Also, another mirrored element from beginning to end is the use of enjambment, though you change from a comma to a dash. I'm not complaining about that, the dashes cause me to pause more, and I think that draws my attention to the word lost, which in my opinion can sum up what 21st Century life is all about, unfortunately.
Again, the first line of your Poem draws me in. It causes me to immediately ask, "is this a story Poem?"
The imagery is also strong, lending multivalence to the experience because though your introduction tells me this story is about a hike on a camping trip, I can experience it as an archetype for goal achievement, or the day-to-day battle that most female human beings fight to maintain the "reality" they call "beauty."
I like the repetition of "onward, oward," creating a bit of a marching rhythm in the Poem, exuding determination.
And the ending of the Poem is anti-climatic: the achievement of the goal has been worth it.
The way this Poem starts draws me immediately into the scene. I almost wish that I didn't read your introduction to see how long it would have taken for me to understand what was going on.
I believe in Multivalence, and this Poem lends itself to the concept. Obviously there are the dual meanings between a bird dying and a teenager being forced to stay home. But one could also believe that this Poem is about our busy lives and how we are rude to one another without any consideration of what we're doing.
The use of capitalization in this poem, as well as spacing between letters, makes it almost concrete, and is a very creative use of non-traditional Poetic elements. Though old people like me believe Poetry is primarily an auditory art, the reality is that we V I E W poetry especially in the writing.com realm. So I like it.
I can't figure out how you would have gotten such low scores in the previous reviews, other than perhaps you were reviewed by people who didn't open up enough to try to understand what you were attempting to do with your technique.
Or maybe the image you created was too strong. The ending of the Poem does create a sad evocation of disgust in me, as I realize that I too have driven by dead animals nonchalantly.
Anyway, this is a great Poem! From a multivalence perspective, I legitimately experience several additional meanings. When I read it thinking, "what if this Poem was about writers block," it resonates just as if it was about being grounded or a bird dying. Because people continue living their life even though I can not finish my own writing.
Lots of Multivalence. In one perspective, I see a poem about God. In other, it could be about a lover. But in the perspective that I bring to this as a Poet, I see this Poem as a connection between the Poet and the Reader of the Poem:
I love the consonance right off the bat, and the juxtaposition of light and dark. Love the personification of reflections. More consonance as the Poet, peering into his life and seeing warm acceptance, requests the Reader to recognize the Poet, who worships at the alter of Poetry.
This starts with GREAT description, metaphorically and literally. Not too pritsy, not too much of it, just right.
Just a small suggestion for improvement, you should introduce dialog after the first couple of paragraphs, so you are showing not telling. For example, instead of:
"I found myself drifting into the Game Room, flopping onto the couch next to Rosemary, a woman around sixty years old that never spoke, whom always stared off into space. Her silver, frizzy hair was so long it reached to her lower back, eyes a vivid hazel. She would’ve been appealing to the eye if she had emotion and color to her face other than that blank stare."
I think it would flow better if it said:
"So what's the word today Rosemary," I said, flopping onto the couch next to the sixty-year old woman that never spoke. Her vivid hazel eyes continued to stare off into space as usual, her silver, frizzy hair so long it reached to her lower back. She would’ve been appealing to the eye if she had emotion and color to her face other than that blank stare."
Love the juxtaposition of the Beauty and the Beast against this dismal scene.
I like how you are introducing more about Jake in your dialog with Liz. Good touch.
Excellent transition into the group therapy. Where the hell did you learn enough about rehab life to be able to visualize it this well?
Oh man, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the reflections on reality. Wonder where you get that??? But I also love that you are introducing philosophy into your book, especially at the end of the chapter!
If not for the fact that I've got two other portfolios to visit before I finish the yard work, I'd be reviewing the next chapter once again.
EXCELLENT BOOK. I normally review Poetry. Hey out there, if you're reading this review, check out this author!! He/she (demented mind?)is creating an excellent story!!!
Again, the warning that I'm a Poet, and don't review stories much . . . .
MECHANICALLY:
Once again, the dialog is what keeps our interest and moves this along. Well done!
Why do they get a shot in the morning? Or is it a blood test to make sure they aren't doing drugs??
I think instead of "telling" us Beccah's name, you missed an opportunity to "show" us Beccah's name. But then, I notice it because until this point you've been very good to SHOW everything rather than tell it. To illustrate what I mean, the sentence that ends "hold of my sister, Beccah." could have been ended with just "hold of my sister." Then let the dialog take care of the rest. A very minor point in terms of ways to improve the story, more a point to show what's good in the way you write.
The way you repeat statements like "they should have left you to bleed" is really well done, especially given the "stream-of-thought" method you are using here. It's a nice touch!
The plot flows into, through, and out of the psychotic episode very smoothly, the Reader is brought right along. We're there, we understand the pain, the uncertainty of being in Jake's shoes. The introduction of the fact that he slit his own throat is handled well.
MULTIVALENCE:
The fact that Beccah wanted nothing to do with Jake really increases the realism, and the Reader's sadness and understanding of Jake's situation. We're already a bit frightened from the way the last chapter ended (that Jake wished he was dead.)
This fear increases through the psychotic episode, where we're introduced to "He" and in the aftermath we learn that "He" could be a demon. Now I'm really hooked!
OVERALL:
I wish I would have rated the last two chapters a 4.5 so that this chapter's 5.0 would stand out more. This is really getting good.
Once again as a Poet I'm not sure how good of a reviewer I would be of novels, but here's my best stab at it.
I'm glad you are okay with me making this a public review. I think others should know there is a very good book in the making here. Scary and sad so far, but I can't stop reading it.
MECHANICALLY:
Again I love how your first sentences draw the reader in. Doing this in the first person must be hard, but you do it very well.
The stream-of-thought approach is working really well. You integrate action with thought well.
There is still a verb tense issue at times (such as: anxiety bites followed by jolted. Bites is present tense, jolted is past. Choose one tense and stay there.)
Could not find any spelling problems.
The short choppy sentences really add to the confused nature of being in a psycho ward. The dialog is very realistic.
In the second scene: I'm not sure if two boys sprawled on the floor "reading pornography" is realistic. Boys don't read pornography no matter what they say. And unless they've got some weird thing going on, they don't read it with other boys. I think that sentence would be better worded: "Ben peaked into the room and rolled his eyes when he saw us checking out the Hustler chicks." I do like, though, how the scene ends (with the new therapist being the most beautiful woman ever.)
The description in scene three is excellent, especially the strand of hair falling and the therapist putting it back.
You know your subject matter too well.
Consider using indentation of italics to signify something that somebody is reading (like the page of symptoms that Jake read.) If you put a { i } without the spaces in front of a word or group of words and then a { / i } without the spaces after it, that turns on and off italics.
SPIRITUALLY (MULTIVALENCE-WISE):
My sadness continues as I realize what it is like to be going through any kind of psychotic failing. The lack of privacy in itself would kill me. The paranoia of Jake comes through really well. Though I'd rather not, because of how icky I'm made to feel, I'm compelled to read on. I'm hoping there will be resolution.
Scene two ends with me hoping the beauty of the new therapist will help bring some resolution. And I'll have to say my interest is peaked again.
Reading the symptoms of Jake's disease helps the Reader further empathize with his situation, and why he is in the ward.
The chapter ends with the Reader feeling a bit relieved that the protagonist is starting to feel better. But then a scene of another resident going nuts invokes suicidal thoughts in the protagonist, and the Reader is again depressed.
Dan Sturn
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