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168 Total Reviews Given
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1
Review of Dogs A-Prowling  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hey, Tim...

I really enjoyed this... Your use of imagery and rhythm is some of the best I have seen from you and you know that I have read most of your work. You words here flow with an intensity that borders on manic and causes me to read the piece at a breakneck pace. Nice work.

It seems to be hinting at a larger picture than is shown. I mean that in two ways. First, I could see this easily working into a much larger work. And, then... I see in it a theme which is much more human, and less canine, than the surface would seem to suggest. Perhaps that's me super-imposing my own life's experiences onto your words, but then... isn't that what art is supposed to do?

I found this piece to be excellence in word-craft. Thank you for sharing it.

Daniel

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Review of Insanity Reigns  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*


Hi, Cal...

Your poem is very good. It has imagery in tune with it's theme. I had a little trouble finding the rhythm but that may just be me. There are a few punctuation issues, but I honestly imagine that this is by design. You seem to have added it where it was absolutely necessary for the pauses you wanted and left it out elsewhere.

All in all it was a good read and was interesting to ponder on. Thanks for sharing it.

Daniel

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Review of My Recital  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, Taya...

Nice flow and great subject. It seems a good display by the author of conflicting actions and feelings locked within, seemingly unseen by who ever "he" is.

Nice work.

D. Hattis Blacke

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Review of Season Goodbyes  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

The flow is good, the words are cool. I don't understand the meaning in the slightest.

D. Harris Blacke

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5
5
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, Tim...

I really enjoyed this poem. I have read most of your port and this poem really jumps out at me as one of your best.

Write on, my friend, like wine, you get better all the time.

Daniel

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Review of Puzzle People  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, Mellemcee...

I thought this poem to be quite unique. At first, I thought the flow was a bit choppy, but no... the flow is fine and the premise is profound. That is some fabulous mixed use of imagery and philosophical questioning.

Keep writing, I look forward to reading more from your port.

D. Harris Blacke

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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, Breezy...

This is a beautiful and eloquent poem. Full of fire and emotion, raw and open. Well said.

On a personal note, please try to focus on the positive things that your father has brought to your life. I grew up with no input from my father at all. Nothing. It would have been better that he not existed at all. I would trade his sorry carcass for a troubled cheating father any day. At least you know him, and if he is seeking your forgiveness then that's a redeemable quality in its self. In my book, anyway.

Sorry if I got too personal. Good luck with this and God bless.

Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing, you're good at it.

D. Harris Blacke


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Review of Who Said?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, JoshuaLynn.

While possibly not the most eloquently put poem it does a good job of conveying your feelings. It can be a very hard place to be in when the world does not understand your feelings, that I know all too well. I like this poem.

Keep writing!

Daniel Harris Blacke

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9
9
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Heyya Brit...

It's a cool concept, though it seems a little forced at times.

In line five, I believe there is a typo:

"You see I have decided, that sense I cannot sleep at night," You wrote "sense" and I think you meant "Since"

Sorry if that is not correct.

Thanks for sharing this.

Daniel

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10
10
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Excellent story, Oz. I really love the content. It's such a beautiful sentiment.

*WARNING SPOILER REVIEW*

You stack up the tension through-out the story. Its mystery is compelling. The crescendo in the neighbors doorway is exciting and was mysterious, as well, because I didn't necessarily understand why she was so upset. When she appears in the hall "covered with a cloth over her hair" I was reminded of this setting's cultural differences to my own. That set me up to receive the climax in a completely open emotional state because, the girl's song is a separate "culture" than everyone's. Vocally and sonically, she lives in a world completely her own. Yet, the beauty of her song compels Asif, and us with him, to seek out its source. That's outstanding writing in my book.

Besides starting sentences with conjunctions, I noticed this:

{Color:red}“Is this a jock?” <--- "jock" should be "joke".

Daniel


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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Good chapter. I found it compelling and intend to read the first two chapters to get a better base to review from.

I found your characters to be interesting and round. I love his name, Rafe.


I did find on typo:

"Lily sighed instead and allowed the boy to swing her easily his arms easily and walk down the hall."

It seems a good read to me.

D. Harris Blacke

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12
Review of Devil  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Hi, Jackie...

I really love the content of this piece. It's deep and somewhat profound. It's question is one that every person really should ask themselves at some point in their lives.

To improve this piece, I suggest giving your readers a few concrete images to see in their mind's eye while they follow your thoughts and the proceedings in the classroom. You start off with the image from the erase board, but from there we never really get another. You allude to images, like the boy in camo, and the students filing out of the room, but these are incidental.

Concrete images really help to bring a story alive inside a reader's mind and allows them to join in, even become a part of it. If you are unsure of what I mean, just let me know. I'd be glad to explain in more detail.

A very good start.

D. Harris Blacke

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13
13
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and have questionable writing skills of my own, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

I salute you my American blood-brother. This is a fabulous essay.

The ideals and observations that you have woven into the fabric of this piece, the truths and understanding that are enveloped in it, are beautifully put. You remind me just how proud I am to be a part of this great experiment that is America.

There are several grammatical mistakes throughout it - mostly no space after your comma's. Also, you should try never to start a sentence with a conjunction (And or But). The correct spelling for plain is plane. Homophones get me a lot, too.

I'm not going to harp on you about them. For me, they hardly detract from this excellent piece but there will be others who have trouble seeing past them. I would not want this to be diminished in any reader's eyes.

Edit the mistakes out of it, and I will be back for a reread(which I will possibly enjoy even more than this time) and I will gladly give this the 5 star rating that it deserves.

Excellent work.

D Harris Blacke

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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. But, I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Beautiful. Very well written. The first poem nearly brought me to tears as I remembered those same moments when my beloved dog passed away. Unfortunately, I am still not able to bear having another one. She was just too special. I'm really glad that you were able to.

Thank you for sharing this.

D. Harris Blacke

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15
15
Review of The Blood Rose  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Help Me Get Published  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. But, I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Impressions:

Nice opening image. It gave my mind's eye a starting point to run the inner "movie" I see as I read fiction.

Poignant early storyline. Orphaned at such a young age in a time when the world held such time hardened views of death, following The Black Plague, Edward seems paradoxically fortunate to have lost his mother on this pilgrimage.

While this does seem a very good story, I see much that can be done to improve its accessibility for readers.

Your opening image shows your talent with descriptive text. If you were to use this strong style of description with the opening of every scene, then the readers mind's eye would be able to drift along with the story line and continue its internal "movie".

The sequence that follows the opening image is your best chance to make your readers identify with your main character. There is no better way to accomplish this but by demonstrating the deepest desires of that character. Let your readers know now that little Edward dreams of being a Knight. Perhaps a short dialogue between his mother and Phillip could do the job.

In many areas of this first chapter you tell facts. As a reader, I really would rather that I arrive at the knowledge of those facts through you showing them by the portrayal of your characters. For example:

"The Prior didn’t much like Edward, he took the attention of the monks from prayer. Edward was hyper as a youth and study was not one of his strong suits, especially being quiet during the many services the cathedral ran throughout the day. The Prior, on many occasions, tried to adopt Edward to families in town without success. Philip wanted Edward to stay in the cathedral, and to one day become a monk as he had."

Could you not show me these facts by describing a short scene that would reveal them? Perhaps describe a conversation between the Prior and Phillip as they watch Edward playing. Show that he does, in fact, distract some monks from prayer and how he tends to fidget and be disruptive during study and services. Describe, by the actions and words of Phillip, his feelings about Edward and his desire to have him stay in the cathedral and one day become a monk like himself.

This scene could fit in nicely before the scene where Edward saves Katherine's life.

In the last paragraph of Chapter One, who exactly is Peter?


I hope my suggestions have been helpful. There is great potential here.

D. Harris Blacke
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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. But, I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

Rob, this is a fantastic story. And, not because I LOVE hummers.

I particularly enjoyed it's simplistic depth. On the surface it seems just a cute tale of a bird, but the story between the lines is so intrinsic to every single human being.

As I stated the other day, you really have a way of making humanity shine through in your characters. I'm going to need to look through your port and find something I can give you some critical suggestions about, instead of heaping all this praise on you. It's liable to go to your head.

Seriously, outstanding.

Daniel

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17
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Review of First Date  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Help Me Get Published  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story... Really well told. I love the Hello Kitty twist.

Your characters are present so believably.

The theme is clear and carried through out the story.

If there was one thing I wanted it would be a description of Rob. I guess that's par for the course in a first person narrative, though.

An excellent piece.

D. Harris Blacke
18
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Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting, if implausible, look at the possibilities of life's journey.

One of the problems with this idealized look at how we are shaped into who and what we are is the assumption that ALL of the boulders are illusionary; that we all exist as trees standing alone on some transcendental flood plain where the necessity of reaching and stretching around the primordial forest, the towering mountains, and the choking vines that surround us to gain some small bit of much needed sunlight are merely untrue mental and spiritual impedimentations thrust upon us.

The fact is, the seed from which each of us sprout is fated to grow in the ground from which we are sown. While it is true, some of us do perchance to have been sown in pockets of fertile, rock-less, sun drenched clearings where roots can push past the pebbles of uncertainty or consciously decide to power through them, heaving them to the side in our zeal for propriety, even those blessed saplings have a side, north or south, where the empowering sun's face shall never shine. And, as they grow in height and girth, so too does that barren, lop-sided angle of blossom-less, leafless, jaunting dead branches barely visible beneath the canopy of healthy growth seen by others when viewed from afar off.

And those are the EXTREMELY fortunate.

I'm sorry to disagree with your viewpoint so completely and thoroughly, but...

The realities of existence are, by definition, not illusions. And, those realities, whether perceived or not, extend deep into the ethereal and unseen realm of the mental and the spiritual.

If I am wrong, I do apologize. And with that apology I ask one simple request... Could you please go to Haiti and remind all those suffering there that the houses which have pinned them to the ground, the maddening thirst, the pangs of hunger, and the despair over the hideous loss of their loved ones is all but an illusion that they have placed before themselves or allowed the world to place before them?

Show them that their darkened, frightful, selfish feelings are just wisps of smoke that they can fan away at any time they so choose to.

Daniel Harris Blacke
19
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Review of Missed Good-Byes  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. But, I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

This is personal, yet, relative and accessible. It's voice and style is clear throughout.

I think this poem would benefit from being broken into stanza's, like this:

To my great grandpa Ernie
Whom I never said good-bye
To my friend, Just a kid,
Who left it all behind.

To my great grandmother Doris,
Whom I barely knew
I loved you all the same,
And I know you did too.

To my grandpa Dan,
The strongest man I know,

It’s time for you to go.

I wish it wasn’t happening,
I wish it wasn’t so,
There has to be an easier way
I know it’s in “I love you”.

So to those I never said good-bye,
To those who go too soon,
I know you’re in a better place,
And know that I miss you.

You set up the 3/3 line flow early. One of my favorites for poignant verse. It has a certain sad sing-song rhythm of it's own.

It's definitely a very forgiving free-verse flow that allows for easy deviation into seven and even certain eight syllable lines while not losing the carrying power of the 6 syllable rhythm. And removing a syllable in certain cases can make a line carry powerful emotional weight. Generally, those deviations are best placed in the latter lines of the stanza and at the end of a line, respectively.

I feel line 9 needs another syllable. As the leading line in the third stanza, it should strengthen the rhythm with a straight 3/3 pattern. Also,if you add a line between lines ten and eleven, it would strengthen the entire piece.

Line 16 is a bit tough to squeeze into the flow of the rest of the poem.

I really think this is a strong peace that could be made stronger. I hope this has been helpful.

Daniel
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Review of Me and My shadow  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Please, understand that everything I say in this review is intended with the utmost sincere desire to encourage and help you. I am new to reviewing other people's work and, therefore, may not be the best possible judge. But, I offer you my most honest and heartfelt opinion*

This is a beautiful rendition of inner solitude. It begins with a show of strength that shields those around you from your reality. Then, shows the truth that is tucked away. I get a feeling of hopelessness from the first three stanzas which makes a stark contrast to the last. The lonely girl has found company in her shadow.

I am aware that to those who have never felt the kind of loneliness described in this piece, this revelation may seem inconsequential, but... having been there myself, I know how important even the smallest reprieve from those dark depths can be.

I remember, as a kid, feeling sorry for my shadow... that it had to be stuck with me and imagined that, if it could, it would breakaway from me.

"Its raining in her eyes
Whilst the world is shining <-----Beautiful imagery.=)
Her smiles are forced
as she wakes everyday
Never one to cry
her tears are from within
Shes a lonely lonely girl <-"Shes" should be "She's" and you need a comma between "lonely" and "lonely" and one after "girl"
A flower in the wind.

Oh you would say she is strong <----- Needs a comma after "Oh".
as her bravo facade stands out <---- Did you mean "brave" instead of "bravo"?
But deep inside, the little girl hides <--- This needs a comma after "hides", or perhaps a ellipsis.
hides from the hurt, the cruel
reality of life, the lie.
Shes just a lonely lonely girl <--- The same as noted above.
A flower in the wind.

Who does she turn to?
When to everyone shes invisible... <--- "shes" should be "she's" to note the contraction of the word "is".
Where does she go?
When theres no place to call home... <--- "Theres" should be "There's"
How can she love?
When she has never been loved...
Shes always been a lonely lonely girl <--- The same as noted above.
A flower in the wind.

But still she lives on.
She wont quit
Even though her heart is slowly breaking
more and more each day
Who will save her?
Does she even need saving?
Ha. you can rely on knowone <---- "Ha" needs apostrophe after it, or possibly an exclamation point."knowone" is "no one".
Theres only you and your shadow <-------- "Theres" should be "There's"
Flowers in the wind..."


Syntax errors aside, I found it to be a lovely poem which dredged up some very uncomfortable memories from my own life.

Excellent work.

D. Harris Blacke
21
21
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


This is an interesting and well told story. I really like your sense of style. Your descriptive writing is beautiful. There are many punctuation errors which I list below. I. too, tend to ignore improper punctuation when I'm writing and with seeing it in my own work when I am rereading it. I really have no right to correct someone else, but I will try and help.

The Title works.

You really hammer the Theme home! Escape... from everything. Nice...

Ok... I don't get the meaning of the last line. 'Who will pay for his final arrangements?' I would guess, but I would bet you can write a stronger line to end it with.

I'm not sure about doing the last two lines in past tense.


Punctuation and spelling:

"I'v become so numb, I just exsepted that a person I met a month ago is dead" - I've and accepted

"as if it dosn't matter, yet another reason to escape." - doesn't- as if it doesn't matter... yet, another reason

"The water isn't deep. But, the ice around the edge is a warning. " - The water isn't deep, but the ice around the edge is a warning.

" I the cold water can cause my, believe it or not, untimely death." - If? That would make this sentence a fragment. Otherwise you'll need to clarify the meaning.

"strength to concur the swamp. " - Conquer.

"At the edge of the swamp a deep ditch parallels the county road." - This needs a comma between "swamp" and "a"

"The next time the road seams clear, I get up to cross." - seems

"I absent minded say." - I say, absent-mindedly. (The reason you had some much trouble with this is because it screams to be explained better than an adverb can.

"The high ceilings and skylights cause the common area to seam even larger than it is. " - seems

"The children's bedrooms are obvious, with there garish colors. " - their

"Over sized and extra plush are the only words that came to mind as I riffle through the room. " - Over-sized, extra-plush, rifle

"Now what to eat?" - Now, what to eat?

"Seeing a bowl of crisp apples in a bowl, I shake my head" - Huh? A bowl in a bowl?

" I left while, the orderlies were still busy dressing " - No comma needed

"It'll all be worth it now." Seems to be a tense problem with this sentence.

"It's strange, even tho I only want to watch one channel" - though

"The game is an edge of the seat affair a real knuckle biter. " - This needs a comma between "affair" and "a".

"A commercial gives me just enough time to grab a couple more beer." - beers or bottles of beer


Really, a very good and well told story.

D. Harris Blacke
22
22
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am, quite simply... Blown away....

For a few minutes, I thought myself a poet. Please, take my quill... take my parchment...

Write on, Jona! Write ON!
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Review of The Tree Man  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am in awe... Your depth of symbolism washes waves of regret across my soul. This piece is as beautiful as it is ghastly horrible. You display the irony of life with exacting precision. Any spirit who values this speck of dust we call home to even a negligible degree will not be able to resist the power and truth behind this paradoxical fantasy. Very, very well done!

Write ON!

D. Harris Blacke
24
24
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
How very cool. I really enjoyed it. The presentation, the emotional tension, the deep inner thought processes of both characters, the metaphor of the mathematical equation... all beautiful and eloquently put. I can personally relate to the situation. I have been there before, more than once, but could never render it in such a way as Danya has.

A triumphant display of literary talent.

D. Harris Blacke
25
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Review of My life in you  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The first three stanza's are quite well written. The sincerity of the entire piece displays your conviction of faith very clearly.

My favorite line/stanza is:

I never expect,
I can swim.
The river of uncertainties,
But your living bread inspire
my drowning spirit

Excellent imagery!


I found your use of punctuation to be a bit confusing at times. For example, in the above mentioned stanza, as well as the first three others, are these not a single line, each? Each stanza is one complete thought to my minds ear. A similar situation is found in the last stanza. I believe that semicolons would be more fitting and grammatically correct.

Next, I'd like to mention verb tense. The poem seems most likely to be coming from the point of view of Absolute Tense(Here and Now). But, in some places you seem to stray from that and in my opinion, it subtracts from the impact of the piece.


My humbly suggested corrections:

I never think
I can dance
The strong winds of trials,
But your words and promises
calm my troubled mind.

I never expect
I can swim
The river of uncertainties,
But your living bread inspires
my drowning spirit.

I never believe
I can embrace
The cold air of loneliness,
But your works and creation
comforted my desolate heart.

I won’t be afraid
Even if
the world forsakens me,
Imprisons me,
with pain and misery.

Because

I know...
I believe
The life you give;
will protect me
from darkness;
Will guide me
to the light.;
Will lead me
to the truth;
Will bring me
to eternity.


Lastly, and the farthest out on a limb that I have ever gone in a review, I would like to ask you to write me back so you and I can discuss the doctrine of the final statements of the piece. I believe that I know what you are referring to and I would like to see if you can clarify some of the ideas that you are suggesting with your phraseology. I believe that in that clarification you will find truths that will help put those final thoughts into a form that will be more accessible to all your readers.

It's very well done. With a few minor adjustments, it has the makings of a very fine piece of religious art.

D. Harris Blacke
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