I have to say, I really, really like this. And I very seldom say that about streams-of-consciousness pieces. This piece manages to ramble in that stream-of-consciousness way, but its real strength is how well it's tied down to a solid structure. The "this reminds me" works so well as a fluid segue between sections: especially sections that could so easily have borne no relation to each other, and the way you bring it around full circle at the end is beautifully symmetrical. Well done.
Just two housekeeping points - not enough to warrant bringing the rating down but worth mentioning all the same: "colloseum" should be "colosseum", and I think the "in" in the last sentence ("Men in blue outfits etc.") might work better as a "with", otherwise you end up with a zeugma when you get to "blood on their hands".
Otherwise, very well done and I really enjoyed reading this.
This is a lovely story: let me say that first and foremost. I find it very reminscent of the fight between Deagol and Smeagol for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings: did you have that in mind when you wrote it?
Though I enjoyed the whole story, there were a few things in particular that I really loved:
1. The return to the ants at the end of the story. I've always loved writers who manage to successfully manipulate the "full circle" approach. Forgive me if I'm getting too analytical, but I assume the two ants were meant to represent Jamie and Sergei? I particularly like the subtle way that there are two ants at the beginning, and only one at the end; but even more I like the fact that you don't tell us which ant it is that survives the battle.
2. While on the subject of not telling us things, another detail I particularly enjoyed was the way you do not mention the gold statue by name in the penultimate paragraph, but refer to it as "what he was looking for". It trivialises it, which is sadly appropriate.
3. I love the simplicity of "One minute he was a killer and the next he was dead". Blink and you miss it: it's superb.
4. (Last one, I promise) The way the two men move from working together to working against each other is masterful. There are minor moments when the fluidity isn't quite perfect, but by and large the transition is extremely skillful, especially the fact that Jamie is the one who really precipitates the physical violence (I had to read it twice to catch that). I'm really impressed that the change of mood is so dramatic, and yet so natural.
Finally, just to explain why I didn't give this a 5.0, there are two things that bug me. The first is a minor housekeeping detail: I think you need another line break after "It was almost too late". In fact, if there is anywhere in the entire story that needs another line break, that is the place. I know it's just aesthetics, but it's still important to the flow of the story. The other thing that bugs me is a minor discrepancy regarding Sergei: you say at the beginning that he has a "barely discernable Russian accent", which implies strongly not only that his English is extremely good, but also that he is well-educated. Later on you show neither of these to be so. This is the only serious consistency error, which is commendable but also means that it sticks out more than it would if there were others. While I'm definitely not suggesting you put others in, maybe you could have a look at this one!
Wow. You know what I think about Penelope, and about Tennyson's neglect thereof! If only this were part of the original Ulysses. I particularly love your last four lines: they have a heartening air of determination about them, and that's one of the things I like about Penelope in general: she knows what she's doing, and she does it!
My one small discomfort lies with the line "The suffocation of my mind and thought". I'm not sure I could say why, but this line doesn't have quite the flow of the other lines. I think it might be because "thought" ends with a very closed vowel sound, while the surrounding lines end with open vowel sounds, so the word doesn't have quite the emphasis it needs. Maybe swapping the positions of "mind" and "thought" would solve the problem - though, of course, that's up to you!
Overall I think this is a fantastic poem; even the slightly eclectic vocabulary does not sound at all contrived, and your use of words is stunning. Well done!
I like it a lot; one thing I think could be looked at:
To places even inconceivable in dreams - I think maybe this could be "To places inconceivable even in dreams.
I love the way you use your words, though, even though they are "unworthy" to describe music (you can tell I'm from Academy!) It's a beautiful concept you have here, and I especially like the last stanza. Keep it up.
Wow. This is so powerful, and really hits home hard. I like very much the way you have combined the stories of the different teenagers. You don't waste words, and with your use of language you convey exactly the brutality of what happened. Whether true or fictitious, this is a story that deserves careful thought, and writing something like that is no easy task. Well done.
This is a beautiful poem. I really love the way you use your words, and the way you alternate between rhyming techniques. Just look at the spelling and it'll be perfect.
I like it. I really like it. Just a couple of spelling errors I would look at, but aside from that...oh yeah, the "Celia" thing is a little abrupt. That bit could be built up really well, with loads of suspense, if you used a few more words, dropped a couple of hints, something like that. But aside from that, I love it.
Dani (the name's why I read it!)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/danicolman
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 3:09am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
