\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dandelionman
Review Requests: OFF
281 Public Reviews Given
282 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I follow a template that covers my overall impression, some thoughts, and things to consider.
I'm good at...
Stories, not so much poetry. I don't do erotica.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 ... Next
1
1
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You asked for opinions on how to improve this short story in order to make into a children’s picture book. It would be helpful if I knew the target age.

For the young, beginning reader, this seems more suited for a series. Take each chapter and make it into a separate book.

The cardinal story lends itself to the folklore that seeing a cardinal on your doorstep at Christmas brings good fortune.

The overall theme is a young city girl and her younger(?) go to the country and see things they don’t see in the city. It is a great concept and one that can bring all kinds of elements depending on where you want to take the characters, farm animals, love of birds, closeness to nature, the possibilities are endless.

Best of luck.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Christmas Trivia  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oak is an evergreen?
3
3
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
I am reviewing your chapter and prelude at your request. I don’t read this genre so I am not acquainted with the trope one might use. I say this so you will take my comments as a non-expert.

This prelude has an interesting concept at its core. It could be developed into a great story

Thoughts *CheckB*
There are a lot of spelling errors, grammatical errors, and word choices that constantly pulled me out of the story.

The sense of confusion Mark and Henry felt was conveyed admirably. I found myself confused more than once by the sequence of events. One moment Mark and his father are in the car, the next Mark is in the house. Then he goes back outside by the hole and suddenly he is back in the house. It was all quite strange.

Perhaps this is what you intended. I found it disconcerting.

I thought the pacing was well structured.

As for the chapter, I don’t know how it relates to the chapter. There didn’t seem to be a connection. Again, I understand you may be making the connection in future chapters and this is an acceptable practice.

Considerations *CheckB*
You need to do a bit of work editing this. It reads more like a first draft.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
You are an excellent writer, keep at it. Best of luck with the rest of the novel. Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of The Madman  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing this poem at your request. I am by no means an expert on poetry and I typically do not review this genre so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
As advertised this is a dark piece. You paint visual and visceral images in order to portray the endless search for youthful joy.

Thoughts *CheckB*
You draw the reader into your search for something lost, a bygone exuberance.

I noted in your bio that you put a bit of yourself into every character you write. (Don’t we all if not explicitly we do it implicitly.) I can only speculate that at least some element of this search is embedded within you.

The images are well crafted and insightful into this struggle. The piece explores the darker aspect of maturity and the inherent struggle to release the bonds of responsibility.

There is also a desire for companionship in this struggle. This is evident near the end of the penultimate stanza.

Considerations *CheckB*
I have no suggestions for you.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The First Sentence
Strong opening sentence. Compelling. Grabbed my attention.

The First Paragraph
The opening paragraph was well crafted. Nice job.

The Characters
It is difficult to come into a story in chapter 8 and gauge the characters but I would say that Branston and Tyollis were well crafted. They were the center of this particular bit of action.

Setting
We don’t see much of the setting in this chapter but then it is not necessary to the story.

Plot
This is a difficult assessment to make as we only get a glimpse of the saga in this chapter. There is a war going on (perhaps in a far off place that requires some charm or form of magic to enter) and there is good and evil forces.

Dialogue
Most of the dialogue is well crafted and strong. Some seems a bit out of character but nothing that jarred me too far from the story you were telling.

Genre
This is not a genre that I read often so I am not a good judge if you are traveling within the guidelines that the reader expects.

Overall Impression
It seems like this has the makings of a good tale and an enjoyable read. Keep it up.

Thoughts
There are some grammatical and punctuation issues that should be addressed as you complete your final edits. You are a good writer. Keep honing your craft.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for the review request. It is a bit of a challenge to write a review of a chapter in the middle of a story so some of the comments may be off the mark.

The First Sentence
I personally find the first sentence sets the tone for the story (and in this case the chapter). You do a good job here. It provides some information and invites the reader to continue reading.

The First Paragraph
Like the first sentence, the first paragraph needs to be strong. Your paragraph provides a glimpse of what is to happen in the chapter.

The Characters
There are four main characters and there is a lot (five chapters worth) of back story that I am missing. I couldn’t really identify with any of the characters or feel any real emotion towards them. I think this is one of those problems with my coming into the story late. As long as you establish a reason to love, hate, or at least sympathize with your main protagonist before now that is fine.

Setting
The story setting is well described. You do not dwell on the details but provide enough for the reader to have a sense of the surroundings.
There was one sentence that threw me. “The leaves crunched beneath the snow”. The imagery is great, I just had a hard time accepting that the leaves were not soggy or at least wet from the snow. Maybe it is just me.

Plot
The plot line seems strong. There is danger all around.

Dialogue
The dialogue was good. This is a difficult art to master. For me, the dialogue served to advance the plot.

Genre
Though I don’t read a lot in this genre, the story seems true to the accepted norms for what I envision for the genre.

Overall Impression
The chapter was well crafted and interesting. Well done.

Thoughts
There are some mechanical issues mostly with punctuation that should be corrected when you get around to editing the story.

Keep writing and honing your craft. And best of luck with your novel.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Lost at Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The First Sentence
The first sentence was intriguing. It was nicely vague.
The First Paragraph
There was a nice introduction to the main character. We get a glimpse that there is some difficulty in his life, something he is struggling with.
The Characters
There are three characters that are mentioned plus ‘the mom’ who is ill and mentioned only briefly. Ricky is not developed sufficiently for me to have had any affinity for him. He seemed to be in the same boat (actually via the metaphor used in the story, a different boat lost at sea.) Both men were on the verge of suicide.
Setting
The imagery used to frame the story was strong but not overly done to the point where it interfered with the story. The beach could have been anywhere which is good. All we know is that it was near an ocean.
Plot
Disillusionment is a tried and true template for a compelling story. We have a man who suffers a great loss at his own doing. The story revolves around his internal struggle to live with himself.
Dialogue
The dialogue was good. It moved the story along and provided details pertinent to the story. This is a difficult art to master. You are well on your way to that goal.
Genre
I think the story fit the genre and the conclusion was satisfactory.
Overall Impression
This was a good story; one that was worth reading. Well done.
Thoughts
Watch your use of ‘dad’ in the story. Dad should be capitalized when it refers to a person and you can substitute a proper name. If you are referring to ‘my dad’ that is when you use lower case.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Hear Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
At your request, I am reviewing Hear Me Open in new Window.. One of your short stories.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
This vignette is a snapshot of life in a large family. Having grown up with six siblings, I can relate to this tale.

The premise is sound and provides for an interesting look into the dynamics of this particular family.

Thoughts *CheckB*
It is unusual to start a story with dialogue. It can be done. The risk is confusing the audience as we do not yet know who is speaking or any context. Most readers need a touchstone of some kind in order to fully engage with the character.

Plot *CheckB*
The plot is simple in its construct. A child in a large family feels neglected and through a series of misadventures ends up in the emergency room. I like the basic plot. The execution could use some editing.

Considerations *CheckB*
I noticed you have some issues with Mom vs mom. When used in the context of a preposition, my mom, your dad, use lower case. When the word can be replaced by a name, " I spoke with Mom yesterday," capitalize the word.

I find that adding a blank line between paragraphs can make the story easier to read.

Dialogue *CheckB*
Dialogue is a challenge for even the most experienced writer. It has to be authentic and move the plot along, convey something important to the story.

Some of your dialogue achieves this goal, other parts do not.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
You are an excellent writer, keep at it. Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found your story through your review request. I hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
This is not a genre that I normally read or review so this is a difficult undertaking. The introduction/backstory is a helpful addition. It provides a framework upon which you build your "letter".

The letter itself while continuing in the same voice does so with the absence of punctuation. This is a dangerous construct though I myself have used it in order to draw attention to the words.

*Check2* Plot:

This is a point of great uncertainty. The letter has a multitude of meanings, a spiritual quest for some greater connection to the Almighty, an emotional quest for a love of another where there is great uncertainty on the part of the author as to whether the affection will be returned, or it could be a material quest, or lack thereof, where one is seeking to forgo all material connections in order to achieve something greater.

In any case it is an epic, life defining quest.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

The style is esoteric, at times brooding.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

No real setting is provided nor is it necessary.

*Check2* Characters:

There is only a single, unnamed character on a quest.

*Check2* Dialog:

None

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

The grammar seems acceptable though at times it reads as if it is "second language English".

*Check2* Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement.

Thank you for sharing your story.

*Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story "God's Memory" at your request. I should point out that this genre is not my strong suit, I don't often read it, so take my comments with a grain of salt. I did enjoy reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
The opening sentence is strong. This is a great start. You follow this up with a strong opening paragraph, also a necessary ingredient to engage the reader.

*Check2* Plot:
The premise is sound. Three groups, fallen angels, devils, and humans locked in a battle for control of earth. This brings lots of possibilities.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
The voice in the opening paragraph is wonderful. I wanted more of this style throughout the entire piece.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
The setting seems to be present day earth intertwined with elements of magic and sorcery. The descriptions are adequate and not overly done.

*Check2* Characters:
There are five "girls" though you quickly switch to "women". This was a bit confusing. As a reader, I kept wondering why you made the distinction. It pulled me out of the story.

There is also an elderly woman who turns out to be a hologram or something that sets a trap for the five females.

There are a couple of humans including a character with your screen name. I chuckled at this. We don't get to know the characters in a meaningful way before the fighting begins so as a reader, I didn't know which side to root for.

*Check2* Dialog:
The dialogue is a bit predictable. It serves to move the story forward, which is good, but it sometimes degenerates into long winded explanations of the backstory. Some of this was helpful to me to get a handle on who the characters were. I am just wondering if there might be a better, more organic way to get this information to the reader.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
This piece could use a good bit of editing.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Let the battle scenes were action packed however I was not invested in any of the characters so I never cared if they lived or died. For me there was nothing at stake.

Thank you for sharing your story.
I encourage you to keep honing your craft. We all get better each time we write, read, or review something.

*Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your story on while following the link from the Newbie Academy forum. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
This is excellent. You are gifted in your ability to paint a picture and draw the reader into your word painting.

*Check2* Plot:
To say this is a chance encounter in a bar, a simple pickup, fails to do it justice. Still at its essence it is boy meets girl.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
There is a soft, almost romantic tone, to your style. At least in this piece. It suits the story and compliments the mood, adding to the excitement of the moment.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
We are in a bar, high atop a skyscraper. There is just enough detail. Nothing else is needed.

*Check2* Characters:
Just two and we don't know much about either of them. Still, we know all we have to know.

*Check2* Dialog:
There is none. But none is necessary.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
I didn't notice any errors. The pregnant pauses were well placed and added to the drama.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I cannot suggest a single thing to improve this short story.

I would encourage you to keep writing. You are very good at it and it seems as if you enjoy doing it. Keep it up.

Thank you for sharing your story.

*Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As your designated review coach, I thought I would review "The Life Of An IntrovertOpen in new Window.. I enjoyed reading the first chapter and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember these are just one readers opinion, take what is useful and discard the rest.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
The story has great potential. Many writers are introverts at heart and can identify with the title character, Rachel.

*Check2* Plot:
We get a glimpse of the plot line in the first chapter, a quiet introvert leaves family and friends behind and goes away to college. There are multiple points of departure from here.

The opening sentence us to introduces Rachel. It is good practice to introduce your main character early in the story.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Your style is simple, like Rachel. There is no flowery prose. I think the voice will work in this piece.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
We do not get much information about the setting or the timeframe. We could be in the past, the future, or even on a different planet. The reader simply does not know. This is not necessarily a bad thing if the setting does not come into play.

*Check2* Characters:
We meet Rachel, the title character and her cousin and best friend, Cecilia. You do a good job describing Rachel and we have a bit of a handle on her. She is timid, insecure, and, well as the title says, an introvert.

*Check2* Dialog:
There is no dialogue in the first chapter.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
There are some editorial issues with the first chapter. For example, Nike should not be possessive. I am guessing that English may not be your native language.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Rather than telling us that Rachel liked having only two friends show us with a scene, perhaps in the cafeteria, or in the hallway after school. You could use this as a jumping off point in the second paragraph. After you talk about Cecilia living down the street, you could add a sentence or two describing the street. Use the five senses to draw the reader deeper into the story.

I liked the sentence on the type of books she read, perhaps expand this as well to shoe her reading a novel in class hidden behind her textbook, maybe she would blush when the boy next to her saw the cover.

Have some fun with this.

Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work.

*Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Here are my thoughts. These are only my opinions and you are free to accept them or reject them. Remember, you are the author and as such have the final say as to how you want to unleash your creative spirit.

I should add up front that fantasy is not my strong suite. I read it sometimes but not often so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
The premise is a sound one. You fashion a world apart from earth but earthlike. There are similarities and many touchstones to “earthly” objects.

Thoughts *CheckB*
This is written as a first person piece, at least the first chapter which is all I have read. There is some necessary worldbuilding—it is not overly done. We do not learn much about any of the characters except the main protagonist. He is likeable and somewhat introspective. We get only a glimpse of the setting. The timeframe is denoted in the scene headings. I thought the paragraph explaining the calendar was unnecessary. I quickly gathered that the weeks per month and days per week were different just from the headings.

Considerations *CheckB*
You tend to switch tense a bit throughout the piece and sometimes use a singular form when plural is called for. There are also paragraph inconsistencies (sometimes there is an extra line, other times not). These are editing anomalies that can be cleaned up later.

As far as the story is concerned, I liked the opening sentence and the first line. They were engaging and drew me in. The balance of the chapter was a bit less compelling as nothing really happened until the final scene. There were the multiple visits by the doctor/pastor which didn’t seem to advance the storyline. If there is a purpose later in the novel for this then keep it otherwise consider deleting most of it. The school scenes were also of questionable value. I wasn’t sure where you were taking me, or why you were taking me there. It sets a tone as a cruel world but that was done in the scene when the break in occurs.

The pace was a bit slow throughout most of this chapter. The scene at the end where someone breaks in to the mother’s home was your most compelling scene. Consider keeping this section.

I would also recommend you employ the five senses to draw the reader into your world. This doesn’t have to be elaborate or prolonged; sometimes a simple word or phrase is sufficient.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
This is a good start to what hopefully is a compelling story.

If you would rather I not review other chapters, please let me know.

Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer
Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
14
14
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
You requested a review with a focus on editorial comments. Personal testimonies are just that personal. It is difficult to comment on the story so I will focus on the editing aspect.

Look to remove passive words like 'is" and 'was'. Use action words. Creative non-fiction can be a powerful genre. You can add dialogue to make it a short story. I don't think that is necessary in your case but I wanted to put that out there as an option.

You have a tendency to be repetitious. Tighten up the language.

Put white space in the story, breaking the segments into paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.

The drop note contains a possible edited version. It should provide some ideas as to how I think the story could be improved.

You are the author of your story. These are just my thoughts. You are free to ignore them


Suggested Revision


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of From Planet Z  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
I like the premise of some future world looking at everyday objects that no longer exist. It is a lot of fun and provokes considerable thought.

Thoughts *CheckB*
You introduce two characters DJ Rick and Jane. I was a bit confused as to who Planet Z and Planet Brat were but I concluded that Planet Brat was just DJ Rick being snarky to his co-host. Introducing the third name, "Z", was perplexing and where Robin came from was anyone's guess. Closing this loop or somehow connecting the names would help. Since only two people signed off, I concluded there were only two characters.

Considerations *CheckB*
Think about deleting "very". In most cases it is unnecessary.

Consider providing a timeframe to orient your audience. How far into the future is this that baseball is no longer played or even known?

The events appear to be happening on earth. If this is not the case some "grounding" of the reader is helpful. In a short piece, you don't have to do any elaborate world building. Sometimes a simple sentence is sufficient. As I said, if this takes place on earth, no further explanation is necessary.

Adding some point of reference in the descriptions (the ball was the size of a fist) would be something I would think an experienced radio host would do. Plus this provides an opportunity for some clever metaphors or other literary devices that might add to the whimsy.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
I hope you got some useful information out of the editing package. You have a creative mind and have a lot to offer your audience. Keep up the good work.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



Suggestions for the edited version.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
16
16
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
This is a fun little piece. I enjoyed reading it. The story is colorful, interesting, and tickles the senses. Great job.

Thoughts *CheckB*
This piece, "I am a butterfly", is well structured with not much for me to do in the way of editing. You tell an engaging story, are descriptive, and cover a topic that is familiar to many. The story is told from the POV of a butterfly and I think it works well. Like the butterfly in the story, your words seem to flit and float.

Considerations *CheckB*
Initially I was a bit put off by the double spaces between the paragraphs but if it was intentional I can see how the extra white space adds an element of open air. If it was unintentional, it might have to do with checking the box at the bottom of the page when you submitted the piece. You can edit the piece and uncheck the box that adds line breaks between paragraphs.

I think a comma after orange in the list "an orange, and a pink rose" is in order.

In the fourth paragraph from the end you will want to capitalize Poppy as it is a proper name.

Other than that in my opinion you have done a fantastic job.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
17
17
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, let me welcome you to the site. It can be a learning experience, a place to grow. Second, this review represents only my opinion, take what is useful and discard the rest. Writers write for all sorts of reasons and sometimes certain readers do not see the true depth that the author intends.

Like you. I am an engineer by education.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
The piece reminds me of the movie "Ten Things I Hate About You" with a different ending. I think there is a certain element of realism in the work that only someone who experienced loss can express. Well done.

Thoughts *CheckB*
Clearly, English is a second language so I will forgo any critique in that area. I enjoyed the imagery, eyes, lips, teeth, movements, etc. a well written piece evokes the five senses in order to draw the reader into the world of the author.

Songs heard on the radio, shared movies all have a different meaning after a loss and you captured that.

You also captured a deep, heartfelt hurt, the kind that never fades.

Considerations *CheckB*
Maybe it is a bit of personal preference but I prefer pieces with a bit of hope, hope that the future will get better, hope that the object of the love will find true happiness. Even that represents an unconditional love, a sincere desire that the girl will live happily ever after.

Go through the piece again after a few weeks. I find it helps with the editing.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
18
18
Review of The 19th Green  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to the site and I hope your experience here is a good one. I am reviewing 'The 19th Green' at your request. Please remember these are only my thoughts and you are free to ignore any and all of it as you please.

Writing is a deeply personal experience, one does it for the love of the experience.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
As an avid golfer, I was intrigued by the title and anxiously awaited the reading. The basic storyline is solid and the end, though not entirely unexpected, was creative.

Thoughts *CheckB*
You did an excellent job of crafting the characters, Mike, aka Fred, was a likable old duffer. Chuck, on the other hand was a well crafted jerk and not at all professional. One can only wonder how he got the job in the first place. He should have been playing an entirely different course, one that was considerably hotter.

The setting was well painted. It always helps to employ the five senses. Nice job.

Considerations *CheckB*
The dialogue seemed forced at times; this is a difficult skill to master.

Maybe it was just me but I didn't understand why Mike would ask some young kid about feeling guilty.

I came away thinking that you do not golf much. Your choice of descriptive passages did not ring true for me.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Keep writing and never fear to share your work. Not everyone will see in it what you as the author hoped they would. This is their loss, based on their experiences, and not a reflection on you as the storyteller.

Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.

I would encourage you to join some groups on the site. The Newbie Academy is a good place to start.

If you want a really detailed deconstruction of your work by a creative writing professor, search for THE REVIEW SPOT by Max Griffin.

http://www.writing.com/main/forums/item_id/1848419...



Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of BODY AND SOUL  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
First, let me welcome you to the site. I see you have only had an account for a few days. I found that when I was a "newbie" it helped to join a few groups; the Newbie Academy is a good place to start.

"Body and Soul" is an emotional piece though I am not sure it falls in the romance genre. It has potential though in my opinion could use some tightening.

Thoughts *CheckB*
It is clear that English is a second language as there are many grammatical and mechanical problems in the piece. That being said permit me to make some suggestions.

Considerations *CheckB*

You said

In the dark corner of a big city, Jane lay lethargic in the mid of the street hoping to be run over by a vehicle that could abolish her deadwood existence.

Consider

Jane lay lethargic in the middle of the dark, lonely street hoping for relief that could abolish her deadwood existence.

You said

As she shut her eyes hearing the honk of a horn, a hand pulled her aside, and she felt was still alive. At this moment, which seemed affixed for a while, she realized she could have died in the perilous frenzy. The moment sprang out of its stillness when a manly voice struck her ears yelling at her utter folly. She smiled sarcastically and fainted instantly in his arms.

Consider

The sound of a horn forced her eyelids to squeeze shut, then a hand tightened around her arm pulling her. Frozen in that instant the thought of her death flooded her thoughts in perilous frenzy. The glare of the horn faded in the distance. Out of the stillness a voice, deep and throaty struck her ears. She smiled sarcastically and fainted instantly in his arms.


You said

The sun shone and peered through the window kissing her eyes. She woke up by its warmth and wandered her eyes around the room for something familiar. But she was at a strange place. Her eyes witnessed a black men jacket and her nose sniffed aroma of a cigarette that was unbearably manly – strong. A faint pattering of the shower which her ears caught compelled her to wait for the bather to emerge.


Consider

The sun peered through the window kissing her eyes open. They wandered around the room searching for something familiar. The faint odor of a cigarette hung in the air, the soft patter of a shower caught her ears. It was then that she noticed a black leather jacket tossed casually over a chair. It was a man's jacket. Fear gripped her. She was not dead as she had hoped.

You said

Soon a man entered the room that she had been inhabitant of since yesterday. He was not stark naked but did not put his shirt though the shorts saved him from appearing as a bare man. He seemed not unlike any handsome man she had slept with. His hairy chest claimed to have many women leaned over it and his strong torso was overwhelming appealing to slide a soft hand back and forth. He had a tanned and muscular body which might have been a feast for ladies who slept with him. In short, he was a man who could not be let go. She greeted him and he drew his hand out from the pocket in his shorts and put his finger on her lips, and praised, ‘You would have shut these curvy lips forever’.

Consider

When she heard the water in the bath stop, she looked in that direction, clutching the blanket that covered her. A man wearing only his shorts entered her field of vision. He was like many of the men she had slept with. The hair on his chest cried out at all the women who had once been covered by it. His chiseled torso begged for a soft hand to slide over it. His tanned muscles were a feast for the ladies who slept with him. In short, he was a man who could not be let go.

He drew his hand from his pocket and pressed a finger to her lips. ‘You would have shut these lips forever’.

You said

They both laughed. Amazingly in an hour they concluded to live together in his apartment. He never asked her what went wrong with her. And she never talked about it. They sprang up to adore each other for the reasons they had yet to discover. They called each other David and Jane. Their understanding grew to the extent that they attained the ability to read each other’s mind remarkably. And they knew well that sex had no place in their relationship and it had failed to convince them to make love as it is usual occurrence when two young and attractive opposite genders live together under one roof. Something was certainly wrong with them.
June 28th was a night when David heard sobs from the bathroom. He immediately knocked at the door but the silence answered his knock. Alarmed, he opened the door and what he scanned was an eye opener for him. Naked and frightened Jane was trembling claiming that she was being raped by four men. David did see anyone and calming her down brought her outside and made her lie on the bed asking to pull the bed sheet over her body. He rubbed her forehead, hugged her when she quivered with fear and finally succeeded to put her to sleep.
Next morning, Jane was back to life and no discussion about the previous day was initiated by David. It took some more months when Jane finally fell in love with him. She was delighted that her decision to stay with him, as he was her savior, was right. She knew she would take him in one day. She was beautiful and her beautiful body had trapped even the fussiest man in California. She had begun to adore for he had never tried to have sex with her since they met. Jane had been able to revive the respect for a man in her heart after three years of the terrible incident she had. She was ripped off by four men. Now she had overcome her tragedy and wanted to be loved by David even they live together for thousands of years.
She begun to allure David to attract him as her carnal life had woken up and she had to quench the desires that escalated in every moment she spent with him. She did whatever woman can to arouse the lustful desire in a man, buttoning up his shirt when leaving for the job, unbuttoning them when he had to take shower, and sharing the bed with him by making excuses which appear justified.


Consider

They both laughed. In an hour they concluded to live together in his apartment. He never asked about that night. And she never talked about it. They grew up to adore each other for the reasons they had yet to discover. They called each other David and Jane. Their understanding grew to the extent that they attained the ability to read each other’s mind remarkably. Sex had no place in their relationship. The grip of carnal lust had failed to convince them to make love as is the usual occurrence when two young and attractive opposite genders live together under one roof.

It was the night of June 28th when David heard sobs from the bathroom. He immediately knocked at the door but only silence answered. Alarmed, he opened the door.

Naked and frightened Jane was trembling sobbing, claiming that she was being raped by four men. David calmed her, brought her out of the bathroom, and made her lie on the bed pulling the bed sheet over her body. He rubbed her forehead, hugged her when she quivered with fear and finally she succumbed to sleep.

The Next morning, Jane was back to life and no discussion about the previous day was initiated by David. It took several months before Jane finally fell in love with him. He was her savior. She knew she would take him in one day. She was beautiful and her beautiful body had trapped even the fussiest man in California. She adored him because he had never tried to have sex with her. Jane had been able to revive respect for a man in her heart three long years after terrible incident. She was ripped off by four men. Now she had overcome her tragedy and wanted to be loved by David and live together for thousands of years.

She begun to allure David to attract him as her carnal life had woken and she had to quench the desires that escalated in every moment she spent with him. She did what every woman can to arouse the lustful desire in a man, buttoning up his shirt when he was leaving for the job, unbuttoning it when he had to take shower, and sharing a bed with him.



You said

Then one day, when David was sleeping, she kissed his back, and as he turned, her lips attached his hairy chest and she left no part which was not licked to make him love. But then his face commenced to turn red and he grabbed her like a horny dog and kissed her body with a frenzy which contained compulsion of a prisoner who tries to escape madly but restricted by the bars. Soon his imprisonment showed itself through the tears that rolled down his cheeks and his lips uttered. ‘Get away. I am of no use. I love you. But what do you expect from a impotent man, tears, hear, frustration but no erection. I am sorry. I cannot make you happy. We are two human bodies which look different but cannot make each other happy.’Listening to this, Jane felt that she was raped once again, but this time she was not raped alone.
They parted away but they still meet to talk about music, weathers, sorrows and jubilation in their lives. Jane feels that David is a real man as the trauma he went through cannot be faced by a woman.On the other hand, David feels soul is more important than body.Bodily desires at times kills our soul and murder our existence.


Consider

Then one day, when David was sleeping, she kissed his back, and as he turned, her lips attacked his chest and she left no part which was not licked.

His face turn red and he grabbed her like a horny dog and kissed her body with the frenzied compulsion of a prisoner trying to escape but restricted by the bars. Soon his imprisonment showed itself through the tears that rolled down his cheeks and his lips uttered. ‘Get away. I am of no use. I love you. But what do you expect from a impotent man, tears, frustration but no erection. I am sorry. I cannot give you what you want. We are two human bodies which look different but cannot make each other happy.’

Listening to this, Jane felt that she was raped once again, but this time she was not the only one violated.

They parted away but still meet to talk about music, weather, sorrows, and jubilation in their lives. Jane knew that David was a real man--the trauma he went through cannot be faced by a woman.

David felt a soul is more important than ones body. Bodily desires at times kills our soul and murder our existence.


Parting Comments *CheckB*

Notice that I use white space to add to the story.
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
20
20
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have requested that I review your short story using my template. Normally I use this format to review longer works but I will try my best to make it work. Dark, supernatural pieces are not my strong suit. I don't often read them. I hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
The piece reads to me more like a synopsis or a book blurb than it does a story. You seem to have fun with "N" words. It is playful though I found it a bit distracting.

*Check2* Plot:
The plot is the timeless evil takes its vengeance on the world.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Without the playfulness of the N's the voice for me was flat, lifeless. The evil of the Masters never came across and was masked by the incongruous playfulness. The voice seems more suited for a humor piece and not a "dark" piece.

When you set the expectation of your audience take care to meet those expectations.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
We don't know much about the scene or the setting. It is unimportant to what you as the author wanted to convey.

*Check2* Characters:
We meet but two characters, the coin collector and the head of the Masters though you sometimes just call him the Master. There are no character details to speak of in the piece. If you plan to use this as a synapse for a larger piece you will need to bring them to life for your reader.

*Check2* Dialog:
What dialog there is serves the purpose of moving the story along. This is the purpose of all good dialog.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Some errors. Nothing major.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Take the opportunity to build this into a longer piece. It has potential.

Thank you for sharing your story.

*Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
I came across this piece quite by accident. It was on the new static items list and the title intrigued me. When I looked through your portfolio I discovered you were a newbie with no reviews yet.

Keep in mind that the reviews you receive are just one readers opinion. You don't have to agree with what they (me) have to say.

Having said all that I think this piece has tremendous potential. I liked the basic premise tremendously.

Thoughts *CheckB*
The story of lost love is as old as time but one that most cannot resist. Most have that one person that person tucked deep within the folds of their heart that they can never forget. Capturing the emotional tug of that memory is what draws the reader into your story. Give them what they want.

Considerations *CheckB*
In parts of the story you are a bit too much "on the nose". You should trust your reader to connect some of the dots. You don't have to fill in every blank.

I would suggest you provide a bit sensory stimulus. I want to feel the bump on the head as I crawl up the ladder into the attic. I want to feel the cobwebs tangle in my hair, smell the mustiness. You get the picture. Use your five senses to draw the reader into the scene.

Also you change tenses which pulls the reader out of the story.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
As a former newbie I would encourage you to join some of the groups. The Newbie Academy is a great place to start. And when you have time fill in your bio. It helps reviewers connect.

Your story has great potential and with a bit of editing it can be great. My rating is based on what the story can become.

Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Life is Illusion  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Let me state from the outset that I am by no means an expert on poetry so you can accept my thoughts or reject them. Each piece of writing, especially poetry, represents a piece of the authors soul. Only the author can truly know what the piece represents.

Overall Impression *CheckB*
I see that your portfolio is filled with poetry. I have read several of them and they are well structured, thought provoking, and well crafted.

Like you, I am a relative newbie on the site though you have been here almost twice as long.

I enjoyed reading this offering and I am glad you brought it to my attention.

Thoughts *CheckB*
The poem you asked me to review on life struck me as sad in the beginning. Life is illusion harkens a fear of what life has before us, an uncertainty as to whether or not to embrace the future.

The next lines blur the distinction between conscious and unconscious. (Note: Did you intend to put a space before and after the semicolon?). It is an excellent image at this point of the poem.

Considerations *CheckB*
In the next phrase the meter feels forced. I know the emotion you sought and therefore accept as genuine the selection of words. It is in keeping with the thought embodied in the piece.

Suggestions

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
23
23
Review of Bruce & Jill  Open in new Window.
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall Impression *CheckB*
I found this piece on the Read a Newbie site and thought I would read it. I think this piece has some potential but it requires a bit of editing. You seem to suffer from my disease of failing to stop the auto correct feature. It does give amusing results sometimes.

Thoughts *CheckB*
The description of the stillness of the night and the women are good. They draw the reader into the story. We begin to know her inner turmoil. This is the part I enjoyed the most.

Considerations *CheckB*
I think if you edited the piece it would be much improved. I have put some suggestions in the dropnote. You can ignore them or copy and paste the parts you agree with.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing and be of good cheer.


Suggested revision


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

ASIN: B00C1EXTLA
Product Type: Kindle Store
Amazon's Price: Price N/A



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Loved it. Some of my favorite people are Libra
25
25
Review by Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Overall Impression *CheckB*
I found your journal entry using Read a Newbie. I want to welcome you to the site and let you know I enjoyed your journal.

Thoughts *CheckB*
There is great insight into the state of affairs expressed in this short piece. It is concise, well written and thoughtful. There is an undercurrent of cynicism. I hope that you also see the good I. The world and write about that at some point.

Considerations *CheckB*
In the penultimate line the word "then" is surpufulous.

Parting Comments *CheckB*
Thanks for sharing. I hope you enjoy your time on the site and that you continue to hone your craft.

Be of good cheer.


Dandelion Man Author IconMail Icon

*Cool*

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.

*Pencil*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
122 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 5 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dandelionman