Very nice writing, a dark way to tell of a love that shines in life's darkest hour. I feel that your punctuation adds to your piece. Also some of the smaller words seem to be left out but ti shows a sight of fine tuned diction and skill to convey a mesage without so many words. A worth while risk of the writer. NIcely done.
This piece strikes a chord of sadness and dark feelings as it sould. However I feel that you need to decide on some kind of punctuation. The lack of it here creates confusion for the reader. I feel that if you go through and use some carefully it could add to the dark feeling and the illustration of the deepest emotions tat are present in this piece. Also use capitalization to your strength. The only line change suggestion I have is this:
"Stones they feel much too harsh on my trudging feet"
try
"Stones, they feel much too harsh on my trudging feet"
or
"Stones that feel much too harsh on my trudging feet"
This is an interesting read. It crosses ver the thoughts that every human at one point will think. In some shape, maybe not exactly as this does, as you did. However in your lovely telling of this dream like quality of thought I feel like you may have missed a small word. This segment "You thank the sky for time you’ve spent together " seems to be missing something to me. It doesn't read as well this way as I feel it would if you added the word the "You thank the sky for THE time you've spent together..." just a humble suggestion. other thanthat excellent write and read.
Excellently crafted piece. It speaks a language many may not understand but it conveys a meesage that all will see. That you can never blan\me someone else for mistakes made in life but acknowledge that we are to blame and to learn from them, As well as conveying that it is better to learn while we are young instead of when we have already burned bridges with those we have blamed and ost good connections.
This is nicely constructed and it takes you to a time when most people were happy and a place much different than today but yet at the end the narrator still feels the same anquish a lot of people today feel. Great parallel.
This was cute, very powerful, and fuill of emotion and imagery. However I feel that a looser format wqould fit the loose rhyming, and the l;ack of rhyi\ming in some of your stanzas better. I would also urger you to just tighten up your word usage a nit. OSme lines were difficult to read because of the word choice and punctuation your chose for example while reading i stuggled on an early line "I was loved so proud to be your wife. " there are a couple more lines that have the reader stumbling over your words. Over all great poem just tighten things up a little.
Short, simple, and full of emotion. This short poem sends a message to the masses. With such great word choices and diction, you have managed to tell every lonely persons story in 8 ver short lines. This is usually ahrd to do, but here it is done with ease. Congratulations.
I know this feeling exactly, and even with so few words you master the feeling of being addicted to a love that is dangerous to you. I myself attempted to put that feeling into words and i used many more words than you did and am not even sure if i managed to capture it. Feel free to read it " Dangeropus Addiction." I love the simplicity of this piece and how you were able to capture such a complex intertnal conflict.
Nature is a lovely topic for poetry, becuase it is as unique as the pieces that are written about it. HEre you ahve done a very pleasing job of capturing some of the beuaties fo this earth. You take certain picturesque scenes in the nature around us and put them into words that can paint the picture you see to your readers. This is a talent that not to many people possess, yet you did it quite wonderfully. Nice work.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This piece is simple, yet it tells volumes of emotional attatchment and love of someone. It speaks of moutains of love and compassion for the unseen person being addressed here. It says so much in so few words. It really does speak to me, and liekly to many other readers as well. Often we find that the best and most touching stories are those told with little words so as not to have any extra words get in the ay of this meaning. To me this piece is so raw that the only thing that lives in the words you ahve chosen to write is that love, and longing for the person who these words were meant for. Simple elegance.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is very unique and creative. I enjpoyed it and was please with the persona given to earth as someone who needs to quench a thirst, and is feared. To speak the name tsunami, in a fearful way is very rea;listic. Yet not only does your piece capture the want of the earth to be fewared it also captures the distinct actions that the earth does and us humans don't take notice of them as warning signs. However this piece takes those signs and puts them together as the earth is speaking to us. Nicely done.
This is a cute little piece about love, and yet it tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about such a complicated subject. Love is so complex yet this simplifies it so that even the densest lover would understand that to be in love you ahve to take the good and the bad becasue love is not all rainbows and unicorns but it hurets as well. Most people do not get that and can not understand it. I for one have been trying to explain this to my boyfriend and struggeld to put into words that i love him but becasue i love him i do both good and bad things. However I am going to have him read this and see if it opens his eyes even just a little bit. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and you were able to do something so many have tried to do and that is to summarize the good and bad of love and how love is a crazy contradiction indeed. Good Job.
What a nice piece. I felt the emotions wondering trough it. I liked the lack of detail in the beginning, it kind of symbolized the lack of emotional connection between the narrator and harry. Yet as the piece goes on the details increase and images become more vivid as the emtional connection between the two gets stronger. The end is very powerful and almost brought tears to my eyes. It was very wel constructed and the thought that went into it is amazing. This piece is wonderful.
This was very cute, I adored it and loved the emotion that eminated from the words i was reading. It was nice to read and was amazing when you found out that you were reading form an animals persepecitve but that you were hearing a humans emotiona nd intuition form the narrator. To me is showed an innocence of a child who went through a divorce and was on the outside and tried bringing their parents back together. It truley did resonate with me and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Well done.
This letter to whoever is strong with emotion, it is well writen with a few typos but it is so powerful. The idea of not being abel to give our mind body and soul to another is so spot on, its unbelievable. One can ask us "What are you thinking" and we can try to explain it to them but they will never fully understand because they cannot sit inside our minds to know every detail of how we came up with what we are thinking. It is truly hard to know someone the way you want to deep down inside. I love the way you constructed this letter with longing, passsion, and other emotions. Emotions to me and readers being able to connect wiht those emotions is what really matters in anyu piece fo work to me.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dancewithwords
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 5:20am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
