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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/danamargaret
Review Requests: FULL
153 Public Reviews Given
158 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I hope my review style is encouraging,but not without constructive,criticism. I try to get a review completed within a week except between November 1 and December 31 of the year. During the holidays I am often unable to be as active on WDC as I would like.
I'm good at...
....spotting dialogue weaknesses (though I have never published any of the fiction I've written for decades) Also, due to my newspaper writing background,I think I excel at spotting wordiness, and lack of focus. I try to double check my own grammar, spelling, and punctuation, and I hope you will do so before submitting your work to be reviewed.
Favorite Genres
Bring 'em all on, except perhaps for erotica, which is not something I read and therefore wouldn't be qualified to comment on.I would love to read some YA or middle grade fiction!
Least Favorite Genres
....eroticism or alternative universe stuff. And there's way too much bad fantasy out there.
Favorite Item Types
See above.
I will not review...
....book length manuscripts. One to two chapters are all I have time for. Also, the GP's are nice, but I only accept the minimum.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Amulet  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Marty! You have gone and done it again- you imagined a magical, likable heroine and set her upon a quest that engages a reader’s imagination. A page turner for sure. Fine detail, believable dialog, and a cast of good and bad characters - fine writing indeed! Very enjoyable read!

So sorry to have taken so long to respond to your original request. Take care and keep up the entertaining writings!

Dana


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2
2
Review of Abby Lane  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello ElytBlank and thanks for sharing this interesting item with me. Abby Lane shows a lot of imagination and I congratulate you for that! Also, by telling your protagonist's story in a diary format reveals you are willing to be bold in your writing.

Your content is at times a bit shocking but then you are using terms appropriate to your story's time frame.

I do think your formatting could make reading this piece a bit of a challenge for future readers. Maybe a bit more spacing between paragraphs plus some shorter paragraphs would benefit the overall appearance. Your stream of consciousness first person-style narration gives insight into the character's mind, but might also lose readers' interest after too many pages.

My comments are merely my opinion. There are many ways to tell this arresting story and this is certainly a decision for you alone as the author and creator! Good luck with Abby Lane and all future writings.

Keep up the good work!

Dawsongirl


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3
3
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Leslie Loo!

I really enjoyed Dericka Part 1 : The Blind Date. Indeed, it is entertaining! You have done a fine job of adding your well drawn character ,Tyrus, Into a storyline a with an established character. Readers benefit from his humorous, first person POV, which you handled so very well. The natural dialog between characters is not only intriguing, it propels the plot. By the last line of Part 1, readers wonder, “ What is happening here?”

Your writing experiment is off to a great start! You write with a confident, strong, and unique voice. Thank you for sharing this item with me.

Keep up the good work,

Dana
dawsongirl


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4
4
Review of Forgotten  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Taylor, and thank you for sharing this piece of prose with me! I apologize for the delay in getting this review to you. I will return your gps to you also. You are way too generous and I only accept 1000.

First of all I hope you are in a better place nowadays as I see you wrote these lyrics in 2006. Your words are haunting and full of emotion. Certainly they resonate with many people who, for whatever reason, have found themselves alone, depressed, and without hope. Forgotten. At least our emotions tell us that.

I’m not a songwriter, but to me your phrasing is very good, plus repeating the “forgotten” theme seems well done to me.

I hope you eventually set this to music. Though a dark subject, your song lyrics address an all too common human experience.

Best of luck with your writing!

Dawsongirl


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5
5
Review of Pools of uranium!  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello vapid and I found “Pools of uranium” to be an interesting, engrossing piece. I admire your gift of using vivid words and descriptive phrases to create an avalanche of imagery. Readers are left breathless and certainly get the point of this well done piece of work.

You do a fine job with word choice. Perhaps your rap background plays a part in that and also influences the rhythm and flow of your poetry.

I enjoyed reading this work and hope you continue! Best of luck with your writing and your musical career.

Dawsongirl


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6
6
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Martin and this is my second attempt to review your very cool story chapters. I wrote the first review in one sitting, neglected to save it every so often, and when I clicked on preview, the whole piece disappeared. I certainly wished that I possessed some magical powers at that point!

Back to Darklands: The Seeress of Light: 1-4 - You have imagined a fascinating world once more and populated it with interesting characters that resonate with readers. As your slightly confused alien heroine Aurora said to her protective tiger, "It's a very strange place, Bandit."

Aurora the seeress shows some vulnerability which makes her someone readers can identify with. Her saga moves along at a good pace with telling and vivid detail.

Other than dividing some of your longer narrative segments (the last paragraph in Chapter 2 for example) I have nothing to suggest that could possible improve upon your good work here. I will add that I think the "otherwordly" aspect to this tale sets it apart from others of this genre.

It was great to hear from you and read these fine chapters.

Dana


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7
7
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Foxtale! I am sorry about the delay in completing a review of "Zuk and Zub - A fable For Our Time." My apologies.

I can see why this fine piece has been published several times. It is letter perfect and so entertaining! I was smiling and hooked by the end of the first paragraph. Your character names are creative and so very funny. Your wit, plot, pace, and characterization show mastery and skill. Insightful and flawless, "Zuk and Zub" is a wonderful read.

Thank you for the chance to review this item and best of luck with the radio script!

Dawsongirl


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Review of Can I ?  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello and I really could identify with this piece of prose. A very good effort! Perhaps try and fine tune by adding a little rhythm and a bit of alliteration with like-sounding words.

Your work shows emotion and appeals to all readers on that level which is why people read poetry, after all. Keep on writing and thank you for sharing Can I? with me.

Dawsongirl
9
9
Review of Man of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked "Man of Dreams" very much! Certainly that perfectly describes Martin Luther King, who as I recall, was assassinated on my birthday.

Another fine piece of prose strlcuckoo. Thank you for sharing.

Dawsongirl
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Review of Love's Birth  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello stricuckoo! I was impressed with Love's Birth, a lyrical, emotive poem full of longing that resonates with the reader. Your word choice is impeccable to my ear - "thorns, dormant, reborn." Wonderful alliteration. All in all, this seems a very fine piece of writing to this reader.

Thank you for the good read and keep up the good work.

Dawsongirl
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Review of Brown Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello stricuckoo! This is a sweet piece of prose - spare and deceptively simple, yet full of heartfelt emotion.

If you are musically inclined, I can hear this piece set to music as a love song. *Guitar*

Brown Eyes is touching because you obviously wrote it with real feeling, as any poet worth his salt should strive to do.*CowboyHat* You hit a bullseye with Brown Eyes.

Thanks for the good read and best of luck with future works!

Dawsongirl


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12
12
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Greetings Wrath.of.Khan!

Terabytes and Graphene is well done and yes, it piqued my interest.

I'm somewhat familiar with the movies you mentioned and think I get the idea. Very intriguing premise for a story. This item seems like a terrific prologue because the dialogue raises many questions without revealing crucial details that could ruin the suspense and mystery.

Congratulations! You did a fine job on this piece- from characterization to dialogue, pacing, and foreshadowing. I have no suggestions for you other than to keep writing.

Thanks for sharing your work with me!

Dawsongirl
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Edified Ronin!

Your short story The Brothers Part 1 of 4 is so very well written that I am at a loss to suggest any improvement.

From the first paragraph, you wield words like an master painter - using color, texture, and form to draw a reader into the shadowy world of Dimitry and Ivan.

Dramatic dialog between these two larger-than-life characters lends to the suspense and mystery of the tale. What is this leading up to? Your readers will have to keep reading.

I must confess I had to look up the definition of "saccades" which seems to be a technical term for an eye movement. It did slightly interrupt the pace and flow of that excellent first paragraph. Perhaps consider using a more straight forward approach to that second sentence? Just my humble opinion, for what it's worth.

Thank you for sharing this fine work with me and I will peruse the upcoming chapters in the near future.

Keep up the good work. Dawsongirl


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14
14
Review of Taxi Assault  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi
Andrew,

Taxi Brutality was quite a wild and wooly ride! Your screenplay writing background is apparent in the action-packed scenes.

Your dialog is natural, and funny in a dark way at times. You show a flair for characterization with vivid dialog that tells readers a lot about the speakers.

I have never published fiction but have read reams of it. I’ve written many stories and even a one act play. I, too, found character driven stories easier than plot driven ones. I feel you have a story here but do need more of a story theme. For example, what is at stake for Anthony? Readers need to care about your protagonist and be able to root for him as roadblock after roadblock is thrown up before him, preventing him from obtaining his deepest desire. Does he want to go to college, save his girlfriend from addiction, retire and raise emus, keep the drug money he found in his taxi, or what? Maybe a clearer vision of the story you want to tell about Anthony would be a starting point for a rewrite.

Other than that, you have written wonderfully tense and action-packed scenes with interesting, quirky story people. Fine work there.

I have a few suggestions:
1. Format your short story to make it a bit easier to read. Double check grammar and punctuation. Separate paragraphs and lines of dialog.

2. I love sentence fragments, but try not to overuse this writing device as it can be distracting to readers.

These are only suggestions from a fellow writer. I hope I helped you in some small way, and thank you for sharing your hard work with me!

Dana “Dawsongirl”


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15
15
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow Joseph, that was an amazingly good read! In my humble opinion, Part 4 of your On the Dragons Wings saga is as good as it gets fantasy fiction.

First of all I would like to thank you for writing letter perfect dialog using intelligence and subtle wit, because much of the fantasy I review takes itself way too seriously. To me, the humorous conversation between your well-drawn characters makes them all the more real. Fine writing.

Your character names show some real imagination also. Your characters are well defined and plotting seems to show you know where you’re headed with the storyline. I spotted no overly long narrative passages and action moves this tale along at a good pace.

As your reviewer I find I have nothing to do. As a reader, I hope you continue writing this story for other readers to enjoy!

Keep on writing!

Dawsongirl


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16
16
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Martin, I loved these chapters. As we say in the states, "You hit this one out of the ballpark," (baseball reference!)

You imagined unique characters in unusual situations, gave them one-of-a-kind-names and wove their mysterious stories together so very well. Those are your strong points!

I have one suggestion: First paragraph, Maybe try a period after, "...the illness died including her mother." Then begin the next sentence, "only Tara survived..." or whatever you decide. I think it might make it read a bit more smoothly.

Thanks for the review request and I hope your book writing career is doing well!

Stay healthy and keep on making up these entertaining stories!

Dana
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello thesuperpapagai and thank you for the very interesting read!

Very imaginative, ambitious effort that has potential to evolve into a finished screenplay. The superhero/fantasy genre is certainly a hot one. Your young characters are engaging and the girl protagonist is intriguing. Your dialogue is clever and presents scenes that could be brought to life on camera or adapted into a comic book format.

I am not sure of your intentions for The Super Adventures of Galaxy Girl, but I have a few suggestions. On page 1 you wrote, "Police officers are patrolling...." but I think you might add whether they were on foot or in a vehicle.

Other than that my only comment is this: You have written, and written well, a story-line with characters that fit perfectly into "The Boys" superhero mold of current successful tv productions adapted from comics. As you continue your adventure, consider how you can now make your screenplay different, an effort that stands out for its originality and captures a publisher's or producer's eye, setting it apart from the formulaic efforts of other writers.

I wish you a lot of luck and keep up with the fine writing!

Dana "Dawsongirl"
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Martin!

This fantasy story is well-thought out with a surprise twist in end of Chapter 1. In particular, your first paragraph is so good. You manage to include a lot of information and detail in several sentences.

Your characters are interesting and unique.

One suggestion: In the second paragraph, I think if you write "pulled" then add a comma after "boots" then "got to her feet." That condenses it a bit. You could also try beginning the following sentence with "She." Only my opinion.

I like this chapter very much. It moves along at a good pace and holds one's interest.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Dana
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Martin, your first few chapters really have it all! Kind of a surreal, sci fi, crime novel. Quite a departure from the usual Dragonbane genre, but fascinating nonetheless. Your imagination has always impressed me.

The character of Neyrela is dramatic and mysterious. And the erstwhile Jack, a police detective I assume, is her perfect foil. You have a solid beginning here, but maybe take care not to use overused descriptive phrases. For instance: “nubile and perky.” Perhaps “well toned” or another adjective of your choice. Plus in your first sentence, first paragraph you begin with the present tense, but continue the story in the past tense. Actually, either one works. The present tense, writing something “is” happening does make a scene more immediate. Again, your choice.

I also wondered how when, in the second paragraph, she knew the girl had been raped, but as I read on and understood her paranormal or alien abilities it made sense.

Really a great change of genres that again shows off your versatility as a writer.

Thanks for sharing this with me and have a Merry Christmas!

Dana


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20
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Marty,

To me this is another great start on a story than shows promise. Loved the opening paragraph that throws us right in the middle of some action and also previews upcoming drama about Dran's mysterious new job. Only thing I could suggest would be to change "this person" to something more descriptive, all without revealing too much and spoiling the surprise that the "person is a girl."

You did a great job with the dialog between these two main characters. They banter back and forth and that makes them seem real, plus hints at the relationship yet to develop as they continue on their adventures.

You are off to a fine start. Thanks for sending me the review request and I hope to see more of this couple in the future!

Take care!

Dana
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

*CastleGr*

Hello Marty and kudos on a solid start to a new fantasy book. I loved the beginning where you deftly thrust the reader into the middle of an action scene. You manage to impart a lot of backstory without interrupting the unfolding drama. Fine writing.

Your mysterious sorceress is intriguing and the identity of the last, now grown, heir to the Kingdom raises questions in the reader's mind. These chapters suggest many dramatic twists and turns may be ahead in the next chapters of "Last Of The Etherwites."

I enjoyed this very much. Best of luck with ensuing chapters. And as always, take care!

Dana
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Paragraph*Hello Martin! I truly enjoyed reading this story so far. It is a delightful departure from your previous work, but I have come to realize you can write in any genre you choose. Your imagination and creativity know no boundaries. Rather like your ghostly character, Kate.

I compliment you on creating the modern day character, "Cathy." She seems real - a typical 21st century girl. She adds credibility to this paranormal tale.

I read Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" every year in its original format. "Cathy and Kate" put me in mind of his style of writing. On my printed copy, pg.3, you did a particularly good job setting the ominous, creepy scene. We start to care about the former inhabitants of the manor and want them to find peace. I believe your storyline focuses on revenge leading to justice for crimes committed across the centuries, a fascinating subject to anyone who lives in an older home.

Other than not always punctuating your sentences, I have little to suggest improvement on. Perhaps condense some longer passages to ramp up the suspense.

You did a great and ghostly job of storytelling here, with more to come I hope.

I hope you are well and happy creating your stories!

Dana
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Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Paul and thank you for making me laugh today! *Laugh* Your story reminds me of a scene from the Christmas movie classic, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." That movie never fails to make me laugh out loud.

You do a great job with dialog; the exchange between grandfather and grandson is witty, natural, and flows along. Also your writing style makes it easy for a reader to visualize the funny scene at Elsie's Christmas get-together.

One suggestion: before submitting this to a contest, carefully check for errors in punctuation and watch for typo's. Double check for clarity.(I put writing aside for a few days, then read it aloud.) For instance, in about the fourth paragraph, you write, "She always set up the first week of December..." Perhaps a little more detail of just what Elsie is setting up would make it a bit clearer.

That is merely my opinion, for what it's worth. Overall I think you did a terrific job with this story. I hope you do well in the contest!

Keep up the good work,

Dana "Dawsongirl"


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24
24
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Puppet Master, and this unique story was an interesting and pleasurable read. The setting, characters, and story line drew me into your unusual plot and you did not disappoint with a surprising twist in the final scenes, Your creative background as a puppeteer served you in good stead as you positioned your main characters and delivered a satisfying ending.

Good job with this eerie tale! Keep on creating!

Dawsongirl


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25
25
Review by Dawsongirl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Ha*Hello Patrick and that was an entertaining read! I once wrote a one act play for a creative writing course and that is the closest I have come to writing a screenplay. Obviously I am not an expert in your genre, but I have binge watched a plethora of TV series for the past four months and I once spent the night in a Holiday Inn Express.*RollEyes*

To me, using dialog and stage direction to bring characters and plot to life was challenging, but exciting. You did a fine job with "Gwen Ryvin: Part Time Hitwoman Pilot." I could visualize your off the wall characters on a screen.

Your witty, astute, and visually funny descriptions and dialog were terrific! Your leading lady, the deadly cheerful honey-bunny "Gwen," could have stepped out of a Tarentino film. Your style and voice are strong and highly imaginative. Good job.

I consulted my "firearms specialist"- my lifelong shooting sportsman spouse- about the AR50 and the scene where the bullet bounced off a water glass. He laughed and said it was unlikely. More likely, the hit girl would have shattered it and perhaps an arm and a head. However, I realize this clever scenario is not based in realism.

Have you considered strengthening your plot with a layer of subplots or characters in order to throw a few roadblocks up in front of Gwen and Company? A suspicious amateur sleuth or an international alliance of corrupt, evil businessmen for instance. Just a thought.

I enjoyed the read and I hope you find success in selling the finished screenplay. Keep up the good work.

Dana “Dawsongirl”


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