Hi. An interesting shape poem and generally a good choice of words that made the poem enjoyable and evocative. I would suggest that you change the line "Your smile quenches my soul" mainly because I do not think it really makes sense for a soul to be quenched. In fact the imagery it invokes seems to be negative in a way. I would also suggest that you make better use of the shape of the poem by rearranging the words in the stem so that the could be read both downwards as well as across. Hope you understand what I mean. Anyways... thanks for sharing.
Just wanted to point out to you that you spelt dedicated wrongly in the description of the poem. The rhyme scheme is pretty suitable since it gives an easy-going feeling which links well to the idea of flying away from sad and angry things. You might want to consider breaking out from the couplet form in between to give a more fast-paced feel to give a sense of freedom about the poem.
A beautifully delivered poem. I especially like the first stanza with the imagery of dancing. Perhaps you might want to consider including more dancing imagery in the later stanzas but perhaps more aggressive kind of dancing since you are addressing the harsher side of winter.
An interesting read. My suggestion is that perhaps you could try to appeal to the reader more by using generalisations or by addressing the reader directly by using words such as "we" to invite the reader to identify with the experience the persona is going through.
"I know that these houses, for all their grandeur, are no more contented than the humblest abode. " This line confused me a bit. Perhaps it is my own fault but I do not know what you mean when you say that the houses are not "contented"? Do you perhaps mean furnished? Or is this a purposeful personification of houses? I found this part a bit unclear.
I found the idea of a "thorn gate" very suitable and relevant. It is not only very different from the idea of a pristine beach that you mentioned at the start but it also seems to echo the feelings that the persona is going through.
Wow. I feel that this is a highly creative piece and a very challenging subject matter that you have chosen to undertake. I truly enjoyed this poem. The constant questioning tone and the repetition made for a very consistent flow in the poem and the imagery further enhanced my enjoyment of it. Thank you for sharing this.
I particularly liked the fact that you had a repitition of the couplets "your ego had soared to new heights/ And your arrogance had found new delights". The fact that you made it a rhyming couplet make it stand out even more amidst the more angry lines that follow and precede it. I feel that the structure you choose for the 3rd stanza is very suitable although I think it would have been more intense if you had put in some repitition or some run-on lines. Thanks for sharing this poem.
I enjoyed the repititive sentence structure of starting the alternate lines with a verb. It makes for a very engaging poem because it felt like it was addressing the reader directly. I think you made an error on the line "kick out those suncreen" because the noun of the sentence is "dreams" so rightfully the word you should be using should be "sunscreened" so that it seems more like a verb rather than another noun. I also did feel the one of the poem as one of resigned frustration. I rather enjoyed that. Thank you for sharing this poem.
I enjoyed this poem quite a lot. I appreciate the constant rain imagery that is presented and it is very enjoyable that you were persistant in reinforcing this image. I also enjoyed the ironic line of saving clouds for a sunny day. However, I do find that the emotion seems a bit reserved and does not come through as strongly as I would like it to. Nontheless, a nice poem. Thanks for sharing.
Hmmm. It's quite obvious that you didn't mean to make it a poem because it really lacks poetic flair. Also I wanted to point out that you mentioned "point blank range" but go on to say "50 feet back". Isn't this rather contradictory? I don't know much about shooting guns but I don't think 50 feet away should be considered point blank range. Also, your last stanza has the word "macab" but I'm not really sure what is that. Did you mean "macabre"?
I felt that as the poem progressed it got increasingly more poeticc and lyrical and so I suggest that you try to follow the mood that your last few stanzas set.
Despite the lack of poeticism in this, I feel that you have a great subject matter and the emotions that you are trying to put across are very sincere and heartfelt. Perhaps you might want to think through your poem again and be more conscious about the construction. Hope to see it again if you do that. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I found it very insightful and will definitely put some of the tips you shared to use. Hopefully it'll help. I never did really think about approaching characterization in such a technical and methodical way and will consider it.
-review on behalf of Hang Out Cafe review forum
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