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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cupadraig
Review Requests: OFF
68 Public Reviews Given
68 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm not sure what this means. I am honest in my review(s) and try to offer constructive advice when I find something amiss. I also enjoy pointing out what works for me in your story so you get equal positive. I want to help you get better. That's why we are here.
I'm good at...
About reviews? I don't know if I'm any better at it than the next person. I will be honest and straight with you. I'm good at feeling the fllow of a story and character building. Who knows...
Favorite Genres
Fantasy!!!
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry and romance...blah...
Favorite Item Types
What???
Least Favorite Item Types
Again...what???
I will not review...
Nothing. I am willing to read anything. If someone out there is going to stick their neck out and ask for my opinion the least I can do is take a moment of my time and give it to their writing. Its a respect thing. We are all on here to better ourselves. I can't do that if I'm not willing to help someone else out first.
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Old Magic  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Flights of Fantasy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings, Julian!
Thank you for reaching out and offering up your story for review. I promise that I will never be mean or belittling in my review. Any criticism I give is meant to be constructive with the hope you may find something helpful out of it.
Everything in my review is my opinion and should be taken as such, haha. It does not reflect the options of any group I am in, this is me and me only.
Here we go…

We are introduced to our main protagonist, Ayu, who is the son of Unarak, a War Captain. They are waiting for a small party to join them the evening before a possible battle. The small party eventually arrives and we are introduced to: Ron, Tove, and Arto.

Throughout the chapter, we see examples of their magic being used for all kinds of needs. The magic seems to be one based on breathing. it isn’t made clear exactly how the magic works but my guess is later chapters will help with that.

The magic system is a bit chaotic at the moment. The characters seem to be able to use the breathing magic to accomplish many different needs. There’s the ability to create fire and hold it steady against the wind. The magic is also used to heal as we see Unarak mend the broken bone of Tove. We also see magic used as an audio conduit, flowing through living things as it stretches outwards to listen for the footfalls of the approaching party.

I find the magic fascinating since I cannot think of another time breathing itself, was the focal point of the magic. So even though it comes across a bit confusing in this chapter, I am interested enough to read further to discover how the magic system actually works.

This doesn’t feel like an opening chapter to me. I thought it fell more in line as a third or fourth chapter. For starters, nothing in the opening sequence grabbed my attention and tried to pull me in. It felt more like a continuation from a previous chapter.

Secondly, the amount and varied use of magic felt like I should already be familiar with it. Instead, I was questioning how it worked and why everyone seemed to be able to utilize it in any manner they wanted. I’m used to people being attuned to specific types of magic so anyone seeming to do all those was odd. Doesn’t detract, but does need explanation.

I enjoyed the descriptions of the magic’s use. What Ayu felt and saw while searching for the party, how the fire are and fell and Unarak’s healing was really interesting. Each use had a different approach so I am curious how that’s going to be fleshed out.

I will be the first to say I am a reader that doesn’t need a ton of details. It’s what detracts me from Stephen King and Tom Clancy…too much detail. However, this story could have used more when it came to the people. I know they are going into battle in the morning but Ayu is wearing a thin leather shirt and I have no clue what anyone else is wearing. Other than Tove’s simple description, I don’t know what the characters look like. Your descriptions of the magic are fantastic, let’s see about doing the same for character descriptions, lol

Finally, I thought the dialogue was…okay. At times I pictured them as almost caveman-like with their speech but other times they were normal ol’ adventurers. They were all easily understood however so that is really good.

Overall, I liked it and I would be interested in reading more. So you succeeded as an author to draw me in. However, had I pulled the book off the shelf, I don’t know if this opening would have enticed me to read long enough to gain an interest. The totality of the chapter is what got me invested but I may not have read the entire thing as it is.
I would like to have known more about the magic before this as well as why they are going to battle and what that looks like. The gear they grab before heading out, what Ayu should expect during the battle. This could be something talked about as father and son trek through the woods to get where they are in the chapter.

You got me interested and ultimately that’s your goal. Take my thoughts as you see fit and good luck as you continue Ayu’s journey!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Howdy! You requested me to review your story and I have accepted. Please remember that this review is nothing more than my observations and opinions. Some will be good and some will be critical. Nothing I write will be intentionally mean or hurtful. I will do my best to be constructive and as positive as possible.
Overall, I found the story to be confusing. Based on the description, I was expecting to read something more along the lines of "Supernatural", more adult and scary. The more I read this, the more I envisioned a young adult show, geared to tweens.
I can say without a doubt, that I completely dislike Rose. Her attitude and demeanor towards the townsfolk and her siblings are deplorable and I didn't find anything redeeming in her character.
There wasn't much to Greg. Being 8 years of age probably makes it difficult to write. David seemed to be the most caring of the trio. Since you didn't state his age, I envisioned him to be the oldest of the three; especially since he drives the van. However, although Rose is 16 years of age and more than likely in the rebellious stage of life, I felt David should have had a much better grasp on her attitude and better control as the oldest sibling.
I wish you could flesh out the characters quite a bit more so we could get to know them. I'd also say as much for the township. No one seems overly concerned with ghosts, werewolves, skeletons and the such and deserves some depth to it. The reader is left with a lot of questions and not a lot of answers.
Your descriptions of the scenes is nicely done. You've been able to put a visual to each scene. The interior of the house, the swirling vortex and action. I really think you should use this ability to describe the characters. I have no idea what these guys look like and it is frustrating when I can't visualize the characters.
One issue I had was the introduction of David. I cannot fathom how he could be sitting in the driver's seat of the van and have a pot cooking on a burner in front of him. That would put it on the dashboard which doesn't have much room to begin with. I cannot believe there is enough room to place a portable burner and cook a pot on it without it tumbling off. You'd probably need to rethink that OR describe the scene better so the reader can visualize what is going on.
If this was meant to be scary, it missed the mark. There was nothing foreboding about the situation and no jump scares. However, if this is for younger viewers, then you probably don't want to much scariness happening.
You've got a knack for detail (in your scene descriptions). You need to utilize this more with the characters and the town. There are a lot of questions left for the reader and without some better details, it is hard to get into the story.
Also, I would really recommend giving Rose some redeeming quality to her. Otherwise you might lose your viewers before they can get invested in the story.
Keep it up regardless. We only get better at our craft the more we work on it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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3
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Howdy, Jack! You’ve requested that I review your review. This would be a first for me so I figured, why not. Here we go…

What immediately strikes me after reading the review is the absence of information on where this book can be found and what it costs. I recommend adding any links to the book if possible; an Amazon page or if Mr. Ladd has a website where he’s selling his book.

The first ten paragraphs need to go. An understanding of the current state of affairs for the publishing industry needs to belong in the actual book you are reviewing. It’s the job of the book to tell me why I should buy it. Your review should be focused on whether or not it’s worth the price.

Instead of the publishing industry’s state, I would much rather get some quick information about you at the start. I don’t need your personal info but I would like to know that as a writer, I am reading something being reviewed by a peer.

Are you a writer?
How long have you been writing?
Do you have anything published?
What’s your personal experience with trying to get published?
What methods have you tried?
What made you give this particular book a chance?

Now go into Full Review Mode.

Tell me immediately if it worked or not. Then explain why it succeeded or failed and give me (the reader) the details behind the method(s) you used.

All of this is lacking in your review. In the end I honestly have no idea if you found it worth purchasing or not. You mentioned using one of the extraction tools but there’s no review of it and ultimately, there’s no definitive thumbs up or down about it.

The very last paragraph is the only place where I found some useful information. I like that it has an “easy to follow structure”. That sounds like a positive. You seem to give it an overall positive outlook but without any real merit or justification.

Technically there are twenty paragraphs in your review. Only eight of those reference the author and/or the book directly. There is no way I would call this a review.

But here’s the interesting thing, I am curious about this book and the technique it offers. Plus I know you’ve actually tried it.

I’m giving this two stars, one of those because it did pique my interest. If you are willing, write a solid in depth review about your experience and I’d be happy to review it (no points required) and reevaluate the rating.

However, this is simply one person’s opinion. Regardless of it and anyone else, you keep following your gut and heart. It is a bold step to ask a stranger to critique something as personal as your writing. All we as writers can do is try and better ourselves. Never stop writing and good luck with all future endeavorers.
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Review of The Seer's Trade  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello K.L. James. Since I am voting on the entries to this month's Three Prompts, I figured I should give each of you some feedback. But first, I'd like to congratulate you on entering and thank you for participating in this contest. Its folks like you that inspire others to take that scary first step of opening their work(s) to complete strangers for critique. Its not as easy as everyone thinks.

On to the review!

Nice job! This is a good example of a well written short story. It has a solid beginning, middle and end. Even though there is potential for the story to continue, if left as is, it finishes satisfactorily. Something that isn't often seen lately. So kudos for that.
The pacing is nicely done and you have an excellent grasp on building tension and emotion. There is well written dialogue to accompany a good eye for detail along with solid character development.
It was entertaining and never felt daunting or got bogged down with too much detail or overworking of the characters.
I also could not find any grammatical errors that would distract or take away from the story. I'm not even sure there were errors. An outstanding entry!

Good luck in the contest and keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello brom21. Since I am voting on the entries to this month's Three Prompts, I figured I should give each of you some feedback. But first, I'd like to congratulate you on entering and thank you for participating in this contest. Its folks like you that inspire others to take that scary first step of opening their work(s) to complete strangers for critique. Its not as easy as everyone thinks.

On to the review!

You've created a wonderful story here that could easily (and probably should) expand into more stories or a larger work. You have a nice pace and stolid detail. You did a good job building the characters, giving each of them their own personality and individualism.

There are some grammatical errors but nothing that took away or distracted from the story..

I do feel that once the children entered the doorway the story seemed rushed. I understand the need to get a good sense of the worlds abounding in a short amount of time which is why I think this needs to be a longer story or more realistically, a series of stories. Each one could be about a different world or dimension explored. I think you might have been attempting to tease the reader with each introduction but it felt more like unfinished work instead.

Yes, this does probably hurt the story the way it currently reads, but if you look at it as a draft for something greater then the potential here is extraordinary. I'd love for you to return to this and continue to expand all these worlds and give them the proper introduction they deserve.

Good luck in the contest and never stop writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Mary Ann. First, please accept my condolences on your loss. I am a husband and cannot fathom losing my wife. Second, thank you for asking me to review your work. I know this a very personal creation and allowing a stranger to not only read but give you feedback is a brave step; kudos to you for doing it.
On to the review…
To be upfront, I should point out I am not a huge fan of poetry. I have nothing against it, it usually doesn’t run to my tastes. However, I am always going to be direct, non biased and strive to give you the most honest review I can.

I think it is a nice beginning piece to honor your husband. The more I go back and read it the more it feels like a section of a larger piece. There is pain in these words as well as hope. But it seems incomplete, as if more needs to be said. Not because I want you to deal with all the emotions and feelings that would spring up thinking about it, but with the obvious love you have for this man it doesn’t feel like your voice is silenced yet. Tell the world who he was and how he made you feel, what his loss really meant. These three verses feel more like an outline; a guide that has much more to be said. It must be difficult to put these words down but don’t stop yet.
With these three verses you’ve created a ripple that should grow larger and disturb everything in its path. There is a lot of emotion in here; what you wrote can’t even scratch the surface of that.
Also, when I read the first verse I wasn’t sure if you were going for a rhyming scheme which was confirmed in verse two. I admit, I wasn’t thrilled about that. I feel especially with a subject like this, you are forcing yourself to be extremely limited. Don’t rhyme it. Don’t limit yourself to one or two choices. I’m certain your loss was devastating but how many other words could replace that word? Why not put five or six in its place? Write it down without thinking. Let it pour out onto the page. I hate to say it and I mean no disrespect but I feel the rhyming cheapens what you are trying to say. Please don’t think that means anything negative. I want you to understand you’ve got a lot of powerful emotions and your voice needs to be heard, for our sake and yours. Writing can be very therapeutic. The rhyming makes the piece feel amateurish and I know it isn’t. I know the potential in these words is huge. Don’t limit yourself.

Don’t stop. Fill the pages with rants, wishes and release. Your loss can open the eyes of everyone around you and remind each of us how precious every minute really is.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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for entry "Chapter One: Casey" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This review is for chapter one only. In general you have the beginnings of a good story. You starting building a decent character with Casey and I loo kforward to seeing how Victoria progresses. I'm still not sure who to root for but that is half the fun.
There are a few concerns however. As with most stories (including mine) there are the usual minor spelling errors and instances where you use the same word too close together so it disrupts the flow of the read. Another issue was during the brothel scene. First, there is no explanation for the murder of the unknown individual seen on the floor. It doesn't make sense to me, the reader and it isn't explained later. Also, as Casey ascends the stairs he "added to the bartender". This means he was making an addition to something but there wasn't anything originally stated to the bartender that an addition would be warranted. I did find it humorous about the rum. It's a nice plug or shout out to Kraken rum which I also enjoy.
Two last things. De'Markus locates the brothel to be "on the southern slopes" but when they arrive you have it located near the docks with the scent of salt (the sea) in the air. Why would De'Markus say they are on the southern slopes and not "on the southern docks"? You place the brothel both in a hilly and beach location. It makes it difficult to picture the terrain and scene.
The last item of concern is the biggest. You establish the story in third person but once we get to the brothel you introduce a first person character (possibly death). Its out of the blue and totally throws off the rythme and flow of the story. Because you hadn't introduced this character yet it make for more of an intrusion into the story and not an addition. I spent far too much time going back and looking for mention of this character in the beginning. I'm sure you have reason for this character which we will possibly learn more about as the chapters grow but it doesn't work the way it currently is written out.
Hopefully this will help. I'm guessing like my own writing, this is one of many drafts to come as you refine and update it. Every little bit helps so I wish you well, I will be reading the next chapter and look forward to more!
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, to be brutally honest I think you're in the process of creating a fascinating idea. You are taking some pretty bold strides with not only creating an entire world to play in but you've taken on the task of creating an entire universe. This could allow you many future stories and adventures.
But onwards to the current story. You have a decent prologue and one I think is necessary for the understanding of the story. Most times I feel prologues are useless; bits of the back story that could be added into the normal story as it unraveled. Your's is a bit different and works.
What I feel doesn't work is the flow of the chapter. What you are attempting is correct but you are throwing way too much information in each paragraph. It bogs the story down and in the long run doesn't satisfy. You need to pace the backstory a bit better. Don't feel you need to cram all this information about Rijon's life into the first chapter. It makes it feel like another prologue with it being all about Rijon. Stretch the information into actual dialogue or hint at things. Give the reader the benefit of the doubt that he will be able to figure some things out.
Your other option is to spend the first few chapters detailing Rijon's life. There is certainly enough information squeezed into the first chapter to accomplish this in greater detail. This could also work and it would allow the reader to sympathize with Rijon. Not a bad idea because currently he seems kind of a dick. I'm not really rooting for him. I know the dragons killed his folks but he isn't coming across as a likable dude. I would love to read how the battalion trained and brainwashed him into such hatred.
I mean, honestly, if your first chapters were Rijon's growing up as a soldier I would be more intrigued and I think it would make the current chapter far more fulfilling.
Cool story, cool concept and good start. Take everyone's reviews find the common threads. Don't quit on this. You've got something here so keep working on it.
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I felt like I was reading a story about the Predator. That's not a bad thing. I like the idea of this story a lot. You've set a really good landscape to work with. I like the desolation, the government oversight and the undercurrent of resentment towards it. There is hte makings of a good story in this.
I don't mind that you dropped us in the middle of some action. That's a good a place as any to start and its hard to go wrong with it. It imemdiatley captures the reader's attention and draws him in. However, there are several distractions that take away from the pace and the storyline. The biggest one is the mention of the vamps and aliens. I don't know how you can clarify this bit of backstory but I feel it is essential that you somehow manage to do it.
The story starts well enough and you paint this great picture of a rundown world. Then you introduce the possibility of vampires. In truth, kind of disappointing. Even though zombies have been overexposed lately I feel vampires are still oversaturating the market.
But lets roll with it. Okay, could be a vampire they are hunting. Then you bring in the possibility of an actual alien. That made me pause and not in a good way. Without explaining what is going on in the story, I am boggled that you are blending a horror figure (vampire) with science fiction (alien). And the fact no one in the story is fazed by either possibility. Now I'm focused more on the weirdness of the situation and not the story itself. It took a little bit to get back into reading.
You kept the pace going nicely. Then you made the mistake of throwing in the sound effects of the sword. I didn't realize I was reading a comic book script. Please, please, please never write sound effects in a novel. Describe the sound, describe the motion, describe the action but leave sound effects out. My imagination can do that for me. It made the story feel cartoonish.
Nice dialogue with the priest/friar/monk. Then you threw in that last line about Jesus' beard...genius!!!! Even with all the weirdness that too kaway from the storyline this one simple line smacked me in the face in all the right ways! Great way to leave the chapter hanging. Pretty cool start. Keep it up!
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You have the makings of a decent story here. I like the flow and pace. You've given nice details and have a good start on the character development. Here is what I really like. I enjoyed that upon their first meeting Falroth came close to choking out Ancelin, maybe even almost killing him. It isn't this murderous act in itself but how it plays a part later on. By that I mean when Falroth explains he was banished because an innocent girl died, I am able to piece together that possibly Falroth's quick temper led to her death without you actually having to spell it out. Add that he feels he got what he deserved solidifies that thought. And I for one appreciate it when the writer trusts the reader to be smart enough to grasp minor details like this. Yes I want to be taken to a fantastic world but let me build it in my mind as well. It makes me feel like I am a part of the story as well and draws me in.
My ONLY real issue with this would be it being chapter one. Unless this was a sequel to a previous book where I am familiar with these characters it feels way too disjointed to be the opening chapter. I got the impression I should know more about what was going on to really appreciate Falroth's situation and how he got there. I felt like I was reading chapter 4 or 5 instead and missed the first 3 chapters. There was just something of about it.
However, it doesn't change my opinion that this has the makings of a fun story. Keep at it and revise as needed and put more chapters out. I for one will look for them and hopefully enjoy Falroth as he ventures onward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of THE MIGHTY OAK  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was very nicely done! You did a really fine job setting up an image in my mind and then following through with the comparison to your own life. Strong imagery with the soldier's mentality and determination. I personally like the "balance" of the horrors hinted at during your trials and struggles with the knowledge that what was done was hopefully righteous and forgiven by God.
You managed to craft a wonderful blend of sadness and pride. It makes me feel proud and respectful to our fighting men and women. This is very well done.
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Review of The Broken Circle  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this story! It had a great flow to it and a nice original story. The detailed descriptions were fantastic. The dialogue was well done and the pacing was crafted nicely. I don't know how long you worked on this story but you did it right.
I like that it was a stand alone story and not the beginnings of one. It had a great beginning, middle and end.
Really though, the details were the best. It allowed me to picture the characters and events as I read them. Great job!
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