Title: Larkin's Ranch
Chapter: 1
Round:1
Setting:
You tell us it's hot and there's a paved road and a few people about when the get into town. You don't tell us any passing scenery or any of the other store fronts or who the people are watching them. You really do need more setting, especially here in this first chapter when we're just dipping our toes in this town.
Plot:
Pretty straight forward. Boy likes girl, gets girl a job and works on getting himself a place in her life. Nothing to rave about but nothing to complain about either.
Characters:
Noah: Handsome and a bit reckless.
Jenna: Quiet and sheltered
Now, like the plot, this pairing has been done many, many times. Since you rarely have issues making characters real and sympathetic, however, this shouldn't be an issue for you. Just keep it in mind as you go. You don't want them sounding like millions of romance couples that have gone before. You don't want them sounding like Megan and Corey, either.
General:
Jenna Owens stepped onto the main road leading into town, minding her own business, and looking for some excitement.
Now, it might just be the way my mind works but minding her own business and looking for excitement are contridictory. She could be alone and looking for something to break the hum-drum reality of her life?
The July sun was scorching hot, and the black top was like fire as her sandals slid along the road.
This could be such an awesome description but you phrased it passively. Kill "was".
The July sun scorched the black top into a sticky inferno that burned her feet through the thin soles of her sandals as she trudged along the road.
A navy-blue truck came barreling
again, this is passive. Any time you mix a "to be" verb with a word ending in -ing, you're passive. Kill the "to be" verb and change the other to -ed and it reads stronger.
A navy-blue truck barreled
Fear gripped her body as her mind raced.
This happens to be one of those phrases that you happen to like to use. Problem? Not only does it stand out but you could do better describing her fear. Instead of naming the emotion, give us her physical response. The world narrows. Heart jerks in her chest. Can't make her feet move at first. You get the idea.
Slowly the truck crept towards her, making her heart beat erratically.
Now, unless she's afraid this is a stalker, fear should morph into anger. Adrenaline flight or fight response. She's had her flight, now she's going to fight and adrenaline gives you the shakes.
stared into the dreamiest sepal eyes she’d ever seen
sepal. You use the word twice to describe his eyes in this chapter but you never use any other word. Now, one, that's redundant and, two, people like me who have no idea what color sepal is are lost. Instead of learning a new word, we wind up feeling lost and without any real physical image of him.
You could’ve killed me if I hadn’t jumped out of the way!” she said fighting the urge to return his smile.
If you're going to have her lose her anger that quickly, you're going to have to show us. It can be as easy as she's staring into his eyes, feeling her anger drain away. But it has to be said.
He was still smiling, and she felt a rush of heat
was smiling. Passive. His smile never dimmed. His smile widened.
He’d said her name, which meant that he knew who she was.
This might play better as bullet statements. I know some people hate them but they can be very effective if used sparingly.
He’d said her name. He knew who she was. A shiver traced her spine that had nothing to do with fear and everything to do with the warm way he was looking at her.
The pov shifts aren't necessarily distracting but I have to wonder how much better it would be with a single pov. One of Noah's sections is only a few paragraphs long. You should only change POV if it's absolutely necessary and there's no other way to get the info across. I know lot's of romance authors don't follow the rule but it always read stronger if you do. Pick a mind. Stay there. Many of the details seen through the other character's eyes can always be brought in later during their pov scenes or as dialogue.
Jenna ran up and threw her arms around her excitedly.
The adverb here weakens the sentence.
Jenna ran up and threw her arms around her, holding her tight in her excitement.
Living in Hill Country, Texas, she was always aware of the land
Personally, I would take this bit and move it up to where she was in the truck with him. Set the scene, give us that view out the window or even before he shows up. Her alone on the highway would be a good place to describe landscape.
“We’re just friends,” she uttered, shifting her gaze to the floor.
Uttered. To me, it's right up there with reading a Zane Grey western and coming across "No!" he ejaculated. It's just one of those words that's outdated. My opinion, mind you, and probably not everyones.
He came around the building grinning toward her. “How’d it go?”
Toward her? How about:
He came around the building heading for her at a lope, a grin creasing the dirt grimed into his face. “How’d it go?”
Now, it clarifies the preposition and adds the physical detail to his appearance. Having married a guy who was a mechanic at the time, the visual is right. There's also the smell of motor oil. It's not a bad smell, just one that still reminds me of those days.
Personal Opinion:
A good solid chapter and definitely makes me want to read on. Not because of any plot hook but because of the likeable characters. Characters are something you do well anyway. You draw them very realistically and this story is no different. A plot hook would guarantee reader's moving on so you might want consider it. |
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