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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crucis
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Fog  Open in new Window.
Review by Crucis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I thought your prose very fluid and natural, but - above that - there is an elegance to it that puts one in mind of the dignified, more pensive days before PCs, all-glass skyscrapers and (eek) social networking... It is particularly refreshing when one needs a break from the pacy brevity we often see in writing today. You didn't overdo it, though - I doubt if anyone would find your writing heavy.

As to the story and setting, it pulled me in at once (it sounds corny, but I really DID feel shrouded in fog at the eaves of a dark wood). It is a gift to be able to write as humanly and emotively as you did - I bet many people (me included) would have a hard time of it, or struggle in vain to learn. And I really appreciated the twist that had the girl awaken as a ghost without realising it at first :)

If I had to nitpick, though, I would suggest that some parts of the text can be refined. For example, '...and I remember not the last time that food touched my mouth or that water graced my lips.' Personally I would try to smoothen it, perhaps like this: 'and I remember not the last time food touched my mouth or water graced my lips.'

Another part which seems a tad unwieldy is ' "I looked into his eyes and said, ‘but papa, what about mother?’ He smiled a sad smile, ‘she will be with us soon, that I promise,’ and hand in hand I walked with him.' You could consider reworking the punctuation, or splitting the line into two or more paras.

A very minor point I'd like to bring up would be the ambiguity with the sentence 'My breath caught in my throat as I stepped close enough to see all that was left of her.' I admit that I wondered for a split-second if there couldn't be a skeleton lying beside the Stone. I suspect there could be a little too much freedom of interpretation here. Then again, it could be I'm just morbid :)

However, these are things that some re-reading / editing would easily address. You could come back to this piece a week or two later, read it aloud even - see if you'd want to make any alterations to the sentence structure or diction. Of course, you might also find it unnecessary to change anything. You know best - after all, you are The author.

The opinions I've expressed are those of a reader, not a writer (I don't claim to be able to produce better work!)

All in all, a great read. Write on, and all the best..!!!
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Review by Crucis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Kudos for your dream of completing this epic! Your enthusiasm in describing it makes me feel like I used to when I sat in class drawing, shooting rubber bands and playing pencil games. I think it shows promise - what matters beyond anything else, though, is that you continue to feel for it as much as you do now :) But you got to get it done as quick as you can (in my opinion of course) or eventually you MIGHT find yourself having to start from scratch again once your creative ideals or writing style change overmuch. I tried to do something on that scale when I was younger and it happened to me :) All the best!
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Review of The Surprise  Open in new Window.
Review by Crucis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A heart-warming little entry. It features the exceedingly simple bond of love and trust between dog and man... the innocent hopes that these very different beings can share.

Clean and clear narration that is very readable. Just the kind of reading that makes you feel good inside.

Thanks for sharing :)
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