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1
1
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

A brand new story to be worked out, and it sounds really good. I'm looking forward to seeing the story, in detail. Please?

This story has only just begun, so I'll keep my review brief.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

A couple of quick notes:

"It was like watching TV for her." Considering you're talking about an animal here, I'm not sure this is an appropriate anecdote. Most animals, especially the wild ones don't watch TV. And considering the scene in my mind- mountainous home, an older woman who loves crafting and nature- I'm finding it difficult to imagine she even has a TV set.

How'd they get in a lab? They were blown into a valley, into the great wilderness in the first story. How their circumstances change? Were they captured? How did they make it back home, if that's the case?

"Then she fell down onto her side after checking to make sure the area was safe and clear." Why'd she fall down? An effect from something they did to her in the lab?

"If possible, she wanted to go back home and stay at home." (In the 2nd story.) Do you mean where she was raised, the old woman's house?

I'm eager to see when they left the older woman's home, and what that was like for them. I'd also like to know, in the next story, what they fought about and if they become friends again.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

The paragraphs were presented well. The pacing, well... you're still working on these stories, so obviously there's work to be done there, but it's a really good start.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

In your intro line, "A fox and raccoon is friends." "is" should be "are" "A fox and raccoon are friends."

         *RainbowL*Typos.*RainbowR*

Missing letters. I noticed a couple of incidents in this piece.

ie:

"the sun to be up i(n) the air again."
"Th(e) yarn was very soft"
"After the experiment the(r)e was"
"The uneven ground made (i)t difficult"

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

You have a really good idea here. I can't wait to see what comes out of these two pieces. Just by reading this and nothing else, it appears that you could be a children's author. Is that what you're striving for?

While still in it's roughest form, your idea looks really interesting. I'm interested in seeing a refined version of these two stories. (And if you let me know when you've finished these pieces, I'll give you a fresh r&r!) Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
2
2
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

Awww, so sweet! “Mommy, your flower popped.” How precious!

I wonder, after that incident, did your favorite flower change or, assuming you'd gotten your favorite flowers for Mother's Day, did it just intensify? You've got such a wonderful hubby to be helping you like that!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

You've got your ducks in a row! I could understand the plot, it was presented very well. And I can imagine this simple story, as simple as a child, unfolding as your hubby brought your first born down the stairs with you and your second born resting on the couch.

I was a bit confused by your tense, however. You seem to want to use present tense, and used past instead. I can't quite put my finger on what's going on here, but that's how it feels- to me any way.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

I don't see any thing here I would change. I could understand your story, simple and straightforward. Your paragraphs are well structured as well.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

So simple, so sweet! Your dialogue was so accurate of your younger son. While I don't know him, I remember when my son was that young. (He's going on 7 this fall, boy do they grow up fast!)

I couldn't make any suggestions for changes, but I would hope not. This is too personal a story to have any real comments to make on the matter, in my opinion. You presented yourself very well. Good job!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*
"sad, little, brown eyes." no comma necessary between "little" and "brown"

"Oh, how I wish it were that easy." I'd recommend an exclamation mark here, based on your voice at this particular moment.

         *RainbowL*Special Suggestions.*RainbowR*

I'm no gardener, but when I read this to my husband he commented that you may have watered the plant too much. He says that you should only water a tulip plant once every couple of weeks.

He once gave me a plant, when we were still dating- I felt so sorry for the little plant, knowing I'm not any good with plants, but I didn't want to be rude and turn the gift down- what do you do in such a situation? What happened? You guessed it! The poor thing died. So I know where you're coming from.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Overall a good piece, I'd just do a slight brush up on this piece, taking a second look at tense and punctuation. Thanks for sharing your special Mother's Day story with us all. It's a privilege to be able to share such a special moment with you and your family! Thank you and please

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
3
3
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

6 great tips for sharing your port off WDC "campus". Though I know you should use as many options as you can and not stick to one option, my favorite is the business card. I've been wanting to show my port to a couple of people I know, and have limited access to.

Is WDC logo available for making business cards, so long as it goes unaltered? Thanks for making some great logos for internet access!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

No real comments here. Paragraphs are artfully crafted. As far as your spacing is concerned, every thing was in order and I could completely understand every thing you said. Write on!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Some Friendly Suggestions.*RainbowR*

As a Premium member, I am aware that I have an easier site to remember. Maybe, if you don't think it would confuse the reader, you could add a Tip: Premium Members and above have an even easier site to remember, yourusername.Writing.Com

For business cards, could you show we, our readers, some examples of business cards? It might help some writers get started on creating their own.

Just my humble two cents worth! *Cool*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

The spam reminder is a great touch. Want to give the right impression of WDC, after all! Just some comments on your piece. It's very helpful, and very precise- no suggestions I could make on improving the piece! Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
4
4
Review of Bike Riding  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

I'm pretty sure you didn't forget how to ride a bike, it's just not as easy to do as when you were younger. Am I right? One time, I thought I forgot how to ride a bike. It turned out the tires needed inflation!

As far as bike seats are concerned, I couldn't agree with you more! Why do they make bicycle seats so uncomfortable? It's annoying!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The plot and settings were clear and straight forward, as you picked up items from WalMart to bike, then struggled home, painfully, on your new purchase.

You know, when you're not used to it, biking can hurt. You're not used to using some of those muscles! But I encourage you to try and continue to bike any ways. Great form of exercise!

Oh, and one more thing, did you stop to consider the wind chill factor? It may be 35 degrees out, but feel like 20 because of wind chill. Before you get on the bike, stop and check out the weather. It might be warm, but wind chill can make it cold- especially with that wind coming at you!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Paragraphs are well formed, nothing I would change about them. Your story also runs pretty smoothly, from beginning to end. No jumping around, lagging, or rushing forward. Nothing I would change about your space or pace.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *RainbowL*Rating.*RainbowR*

This piece is not an E rating. With mild swearing ("Why the He** did they decide to put these stop"- swear word is implied, every one knows what you're saying) and slightly graphic in the driveway, mentioning where a bike shouldn't go, I would give this piece an ASR rating, or even 13+, minimum.

         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

"I give to you this warning" should be "I give you this warning"

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A couple of edit points to consider. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the cheap bike! I'm sure there are many of us who can equate with your many problems with getting back on a bike. By the way, handle bar and seat positioning are important! Hope you get it set up right and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
5
5
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

What a remarkable lesson to learn! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Unfortunately, I can't entirely share your sentiments. I'm a mother who has recently lost two children. I don't think I'll ever recover from that, and I don't see anything good coming from it. I admire you for your strength!

*ButterflyR*Plot:

You're a very strong person. I wonder about a couple of things, though. What was it you learned to love when you came down with arthritis, and what was it you were no longer able to do? Also, what's that one thing that you would go back and change about your life? Anything?

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

You have some very wonderful, very creative paragraphs here. Some of the sentences seem a bit long, but I'm not sure how or if I would improve that. I also notice you lose your form towards the middle of the page, but again, not sure if I could, or even would, change that.

Your pacing was fine. No jumping ahead or lagging behind, or jumping around. Well done!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

"I now love that I might otherwise not have tried."

is a tongue twister, possibly revise to

"I now love that I might not have tried otherwise."

"And part of life includes facing physical and emotional challenges that we never in our wildest dreams imagined we could persevere."

This sentence, somehow, seems incomplete. I would suggest a slight re-write to

"And part of life includes facing physical and emotional challenges that we never in our wildest dreams imagined we could have persevered through."

         *RainbowL*Suggestion.*RainbowR*

"But most of all I learned that "life happens""
In keeping with the form of the rest of your item, I would bold this.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A couple of things to consider, but all in all a wonderful piece. Really something for all of us to think about. Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
6
6
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

Just after becoming a member 6 years ago, I reviewed this piece. Interesting that I now find myself reviewing it again 6 years later. It's a bit euphoric. As I've learned how to write a good review since then, I hope this one will be much more useful to you!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

Your plot makes sense... up to a point. You show an auction where images are being sold, but then suddenly switch to a contest. That's confusing. Easy fix, though. You could mention that New went on by that, Sophy saying something about writing inspiration, to a contest would be my suggestion.

I was able to follow the rest of the story, though. As helpful as it was when I first got started on the site.

Still not a lot to it, though. I know you don't wish to overwhelm the reader, usually a newbie. Possibly continue this in a book format? If you did that, I would suggest the next chapter be about some of the newbie specific things there are on Writing.Com, such as groups (The Paper Doll Gang for example) and contests.

You don't need to do it all yourself, though. I know that, as staff, you're quite busy. Linking to Writing.Com 101 and FAQ might help a newbie get a jump start as well.

The settings were fine. I followed you clearly and easily through the "house". Write on!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Nothing I would change about the paragraphs. They were well placed, a new one coming at just the right moment.

The pace, however... I still feel like it could be filled out a bit more. You went a bit quickly through the story. Unfortunately, images can only be used by upgraded members. How do you become an upgraded member? What are some of the other benefits? There's more than this to be filled in, of course, but that's a start.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

You did really well with characters, representing each one. Considering the fact they're real people, and that I know you yourself are quite busy working behind the scenes, you did exceptionally well here. Not much I would note about the dialogue either. Job well done!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Capitalization.*RainbowR*

"The sign on the door said, Writing.Com all visitors welcome."
Since it's a sign I would capitalize "all visitors welcome" like "All Visitors Welcome"

         *RainbowL*Old Information.*RainbowR*

"a beige background" well, it was. It's been newly re-painted! *Wink*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

There's a couple of things to consider about this piece, but you did fairly well. Thank you for every thing you do for Writing.Com to help keep it going!

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
7
7
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

Don't blame your sense of smell! Did you know that half of our taste comes from our sense of smell? From what I've learned, I believe different countries have different taste buds. I don't think Meg would blame you for not liking it. The important thing is that you tried. What did you do with the rest of it, I wonder?

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

I completely understood your story line. I felt as excited as you to try the Vegemite. Since I don't know what blue cheese tastes like, I'm not sure which I would prefer.

The setting was not as clear, not as defined as the plot, but I didn't see this as a hindrance to the story.

Job well done here!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

You could spread your paragraphs out a bit more. For example

"They should try things for themselves. I put the same knife into the jar that I had used to spread the butter."

The second sentence could begin a new paragraph. When you start a fresh thought, start a new paragraph. Half of this paragraph states how you're scolding your taste buds, and the other half putting the "sandwich" together the way Meg told you too.

I liked your pacing. Your punch line makes your read very enjoyable, very funny! No lagging behind, rushing ahead, or jumping around. Good job!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*

When you enter a b-item link, I'd allow an extra space before and after it, and exclude the period altogether. It looks much cleaner this way.

         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

"I now could share" should be "I could now share"

"my arms around her and hug (her)"

         *RainbowL*Repetition.*RainbowR*

It is my opinion that you use Meg's name to death. You introduce your subject with Meg, which is good. My suggestion would be to keep her name down to just a couple of times in the spread paragraph. After all, isn't this specific paragraph on the Vegemite, not Meg?

ie:

Instead of

"I spread the black shiny goo on top of the butter, thinly like Meg told me to."

try

"I spread the black shiny goo on top of the butter thinly."

OR

"I spread the black shiny goo on top of the butter, thinly as I'd been instructed."

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Just a couple of things to think about here. Otherwise, you did a splendid job. Really makes you think... what kinds of new things are out there I haven't tried yet?

Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
8
8
Review of Before 8 November  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

The poem is slow and beautiful. It almost seemed as though it had a heart of its own, very romantic!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Slow, rhythmic beat. Very well written.

The pace is on target from the start, or it wouldn't have caused me to slow my reading. Your pacing is impeccable.

Your spacing is also on target. Each new thought in a new stanza.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

No dialogue here, the characters were not defined (though I wouldn't change that for the world!). Such a sweet poem that so many experience. Well done.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Nothing.*RainbowR*

I couldn't find any thing that I would change.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Nicely written! You capture the heart of someone in love and paint it quite artistically with words. This is both a beautiful and remarkable poem!

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
9
9
Review of What's In a Name?  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

I like your style. You put a certain amount of tension in the story, enough that I actually wanted to skip to the end of the story. But I'm not that sort of reader. I like reading things in order, and forced myself to do so. I applaud you on this piece. It's really good!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

I know what being teased is like, although it wasn't my name they were making fun of. So I can empathize with your story and imagine the kids teasing you. My escape was reading, though. I never learned any thing as cool as pottery!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

You were right on here. As I said, you almost immediately put tension in your story, causing me to wonder what it was that you really didn't like.

Part of this is good pacing. You neither dragged out your story, adding details that weren't important, nor went to fast in an attempt to tell the reader what your real beef was. You made the interim long enough, though, that I wanted to skip to the end. Good job!

As far as your spacing, it's clean. You kept each new thought in a new paragraph and didn't cram things together. You did well here as well.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

Characters and dialogue were kept to a minimum, just hinted at. I wouldn't change this, though. The story is about how you felt about your name. So your vague detail of other characters was fitting. Good job!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Nothing.*RainbowR*

After a careful comb through, I couldn't find any thing.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

I can't think of any thing I would possibly change about this work. It is a really good piece and hope that you put into your other stories the appeal you put into this one. I can imagine seeing something like this in print.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
10
10
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Idea*First Impression

First, let me start by welcoming you to the site! I see you're new. This is a great place for a writer to grow and spread their wings. I'm glad you decided to join us.

The first thing that strikes me about this piece is the rating. Instead of warning people that there's graphic content in your piece, I would rate it GC (Graphic Content) instead of 13+.

*Earth*Plot & Settings:

Your story line was fairly clear. A group of men grabbed him from his car and threw him into theirs, going to the jungle(?) to do him in. That made sense.

The plot could be cleared up some, however. Why did their boss want him to see them? What was the reasoning behind how this man was laid to rest? I'm sorry for what happened to him. He was survived by so many who must've been traumatized by how he would've been found the next morning.

It's not clear to me exactly where this was to have taken place. You mentioned mud, possibly a jungle. What else was there about this particular place that would make it stand out? How did it smell? Was it near a dump? Did it just smell like nature? How would someone have found the body in the morning? It sounds like he's in a park rather than in a jungle. I'm getting mixing thoughts here.

*Paragraph*Space & Pace:

You repeat the same thought several times over, causing the story to drag a bit. Remember to show, not tell. If something has been described, I would leave off telling your readers outright to allow the story to keep going.

Ex: You might consider deleting "I realise I'm in the boot of a car when I hear four thuds, doors closing. I can hear chatter, but can not hear it properly." Your descriptions to this point have led me to understand that he's probably in the trunk of a car. Hitting his head and the deceleration of the car confirm this for me.

Your spacing was clear, each new idea started a new paragraph. You did well here.

*Man*Characters & Dialogue:

I liked how you represented the Jamaican. It was very clear how he spoke.

Your detail of the captors was somewhat vague, however. I would suggest using more of the senses, such as smell, sound, etc, to better describe each character. Using your other senses would lessen your need to describe what they looked like.

Their looks weren't too clear to me either, although you described the Jamaican vividly. Maybe consider taking a look at him and using what you learn to describe the others more clearly? The main character is not described at all.

At one point, one of the characters was encouraging Jamal to take the deal. This didn't make much sense to me. How did he know your main character even had that kind of money and wasn't just saying that because he was afraid? I can't imagine someone getting ready to do someone in saying to take the deal, especially after having been seen. Especially since this guy could have him sent to prison! That didn't make much sense to me.

*Magnify*Suggestions & Typos:

*Pencil*Spelling.

"realise" is spelled with a "z", so it's "realize".

"honours" is spelled "honors"

*Pencil*Too Much Information and Repetition

"I can feel my heart racing and my buttocks clench; I need a dump." The reader gets that it's unpleasant. I believe the information about needing to use the restroom can be left out.

"I'm in the boot of a car, lying on plastic interior." You just got done saying this in the previous paragraph and don't need to repeat it.

I notice you repeat yourself often. Not only with the same word, but by the same thoughts.

Ex:

"My heart leaps at the realisation that I'm in a precarious position and I don't even know why. If I could think of a reason, it'd be something, but I can't." This second sentence is unnecessary since you've already said the character can't do any thing about their situation.

*Pencil*Mismatched information.

"My mind fires in several different directions but settles on one." Then, later in the story, "I need to stay with them to find out who paid them to kill me." I would say he couldn't figure out who hired hit men, making the first sentence incorrect. Possible fix: "but can't settle on one..."

"I hit the ground hard and it winds me." I thought he was already on the ground?

*Pencil*Punctuation.

"Being in the dark doesn't help, either" A comma is not necessary in this sentence.

*Pencil*Typo.

"I don' know what to say." I think you meant "don't".

"my heads" heads? You mean head?

"He lights t," you mean "it"?

"leaving nly my torso." "only"?

"places mthe bag containing" "m" before "the" doesn't need to be there

*Pencil*Grammar.

"The anger quickens as I realise what they're going to (do to)..."

"Marlboro red" "red" is a proper noun, so should be capitalized "Red"

*Reading*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

There's some work to be done on this piece, but there's also potential for a great story here. Try looking at this piece with a critical eye and doing a good, thorough clean up on it. When we give our writing the critical eye, we become better writers. And yes, I do mean "we". I know that my writing also needs improvement. The best way to continue growing as writers is to

*Quill*Write On!*Quill*
11
11
Review of Dear Me ~ 2011  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*
Congratulations on turning Blue!


*Earth*First Impression

Congratulations on getting your short story published! That's great news. As far as writing 50k, I hope that this note of intended hope helps.

Have you heard of NaNoWriMo? Every year in November, writers throughout the world try to write 50k in 30 days. If that's possible, I'm absolutely sure you can make 50k in 6 months. I won once and it was tough, and I faced some of my own obstacles, but I made it. And I know you can too!

You’re right-brained. You hate math. Number-crunching is your idea of cruel and unusual punishment.


I don't think there's a writer here who can't equate with that! Who likes numbers when your passion is writing? As you say, you use two separate parts of the brain for these functions. I suppose it can happen, but my guess is, it's rare!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Your thoughts are very well organized. Not too fast, not too slow, and appropriate paragraph spacing. Your piece is easy to follow.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*I couldn't find any! *ThumbsUp* *ThumbsUp*

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

After reading this, I'm feeling inspired to set a reading goal for myself. By the way, I have to agree with you, reading 32 books last year was an excellent accomplishment. Don't forget you can always read new magazines at the library! This should give you more options.

By the way, how are you doing with your goals? Believe in yourself and stretch for your dreams. No matter what, always remember this simply means to

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Spunky Old Broads  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

Haha! This old lady is really something. What was she doing butting into someone else's space, then complaining of the smoke? Didn't she know this was a smoking car? This is a very silly story.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

You were quite vivid in your description of the train and the car. As far as people getting into a car they shouldn't be in... I'd never have done something that stupid. Even as a stranger, once I got in the cab and saw that it was filled with smoke, I quickly would've gotten onto another. She definitely did it on purpose!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

I don't have any complaints as far as paragraph structure or the pace of the story. You didn't rush, drag, or jump about in your story. Not much to say here.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

You presented your characters well. That old woman was almost getting on my nerves! And the disrespect she showed the conductor! Big no-no.

Why did she stay on this particular car any ways? Where there really no other seats to be had?

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Some suggestions.*RainbowR*

"For anyone who has ridden in one (of) these old cars you know about the ride, sometimes the ride is smooth, other times it can be bone jarring and it’s always noisy."

I would recommend either splitting this sentence in two, or using a semi-colon instead of a comma after "ride" where it finishes a thought. Also, in the same sentence, I wouldn't advise using the same words twice.

"about the ride, sometimes the ride..."

Possible re-write: "about the ride; sometimes it can be..."

         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

"stairs lead(ing) down to ground level"

"Waiting a few minutes, then said loudly," is a tongue twister and doesn't flow very well. Possible re-write: "She waited for a few minutes before loudly announcing,"

         *RainbowL*Typo.*RainbowR*

"Friday evening the train was abnormally over crowed" "crowed" should be "crowded" I think :)

         *RainbowL*Tense.*RainbowR*

"some interior designer had the idea of brightening the cars up and covered the walls" Two tenses used in the same sentence "brightening" and "covered". I would suggest changing "covered" to "covering".

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*

"his belongings and gets up(,) offering his seat."

"“Why is everyone smoking, I have asthma, smoking is bad for my health.”" I have to disagree with you on punctuation in this sentence. Because "Why is everyone smoking" is a question, I might re-write it "“Why is everyone smoking? I have asthma, smoking is bad for my health.”" Maybe even with an exclamation mark at the end since she's being a gripe.

"“Will everyone stop smoking!”" Suggestion, as this is a question, what about ending it with "?!"

"She was sitting, handkerchief to her face(,) when the"

"So(,) shaking his head(,) he moved"

"Thirty minutes pass," is a complete sentence. I would recommend a period in place of the comma.

         *RainbowL*Spelling.*RainbowR*

"mam" means "mother". I think you mean "ma'am" which is short for "madam".

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Just a few things to brush up on and this piece is the best I've read thus far. Did you win the contest? Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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13
13
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Earth*First Impression

You had a good year in 2000. Takes me back to what my 2000 was like. It was brought in on a sour note, but at the end of '99 I'd met someone special and we enjoyed getting to know each other further in the new millennium, we were married 8 years later. So I guess I had a fairly good year too.

Good, thought provoking, essay!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

"waking up one night during a torrential downpour, to find your air mattress floating in the waterlogged bottom of the tent" Yeah, well, try finding yourself soaking wet in nothing but a sleeping bag! ;)

Wish I could have had such lavish luxuries as going to the tropics! You were fortunate to go on such an adventurous vacation. And then to be married there! That must have been something.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Fresh idea, fresh paragraph, and sometimes a new subtitle. The pace was clean, no jumping around, rushing, or dragging. There's nothing that I would change about either your spacing or your pacing.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

I can really feel for you, writing a piece about a friend while you're concerned about his mother at the same time. I guess I never really knew how hard it is to write an article about someone who's just passed on.

You presented your characters well. Although the main focus was on you, and not much else was said about any one else, I can see how you must've felt to various activities and people in your life.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *RainbowL*Wording.*RainbowR*
"the real pleasure of being eighteen in the ability to vote.' This sentence does not seem to run smoothly. Is there a typo here? Should "in" be "is"?

"I was faced with loss of someone..." I get caught up at "with loss". Possible re-write: "with the loss"

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*
"So(,) rather than our usual annual expeditions..."

"liberal studies (much to the displeasure of my parents)." I recommend taking out the brackets ( ) and putting a comma after "studies".

"learn that lesson (all..." Especially as you follow these brackets up with a comma, I would drop the brackets and put a comma after "lesson" instead.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Just a few things to brush up on, but this piece is really good. I would be interested to know how you've been doing since then, you did such a good job ending the piece. Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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14
14
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*Earth*First Impression

What a laugh! I'd recommend this to any one in need of some good, clean humor. And pets really can be the devil in disguise. Some learn the hard way that little dogs are really big dogs in small bodies. I swear it's true!

How did Yoda get his name, I wonder? He's definitely a terror Terrier, but Yoda in the movie was a good guy, not a bad guy, so...

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

Very vivid portrayal of your home. I wouldn't change a thing!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Fresh thought, fresh paragraph. Love it!

As far as the pace was concerned, you didn't rush or jump around. The rhythm of the story was fast, representing your little dog, and doing that without rushing Yoda's story must've been tough! Good job.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

"Able to leap tall furniture in a single bound." ROFL! I can just imagine this scene!

You describe a scene that happens in countries around the world. There is a hierarchy with dogs, whether or not we humans want to admit it! It's instinct. Poor Holly, though! I feel for her, unable to enjoy the attractions of life.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Clarification.*RainbowR*

"my first adopted," You go on to explain that Holly is a schnauzer, but this sentence reads a bit awkwardly. Possibly remove the comma and then include "pet" or "dog"?

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

A little brushing up, but I give you a perfect 5. This piece really rings true to every pet owner of more than 1. This piece is lively, humorous, and a blast! He really gives you something to write about. Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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15
15
Review of Two Mimes  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Earth*First Impression

What a heart rending poem! You're enjoying the show when suddenly the worst happens, and the young lady can't even tell any one what's just happened.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

You set up both plot and setting very well. I could almost see them miming myself. I definitely didn't expect the interesting twist of events- I thought it was all a show!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

This poem mixes with free verse and rhythm and rhyme. I would definitely be taking a second look at this odd conglomeration.

However, the pace of the story is just fine. The story unravels to a shocking and sorry end.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

What dialogue? Not in a poem of a mime!

As far as the characters are concerned, you did a good job portraying a mother and father, played by a brother and sister who's lives intertwined with the characters.

I had to stop and think what "acting, not acting" meant, but I finally caught onto it. That's creative!

"Though you’d expect to hear a sound, nothing's heard out loud"
Why would you expect to hear a sound at a mime show? I don't think this is necessarily true. Mimes are known for their silence.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Punctuation*RainbowR*
There shouldn't be a comma after "street" in the final line.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Very difficult poem to critique. The story is truly a heart breaker! I would recommend this piece to any one interested in drama and or who loves mimes.

A few things to brush up on and this piece would be a perfect 5. You did well and I encourage you to

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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16
16
Review of I Wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Earth*First Impression

What a bitter sweet story! It reminds me of stories I've heard in the past, though I've never experienced it myself.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The story is less about chances not made then the place. It unfolds steadily, in an order that makes sense.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

This poem has a pretty good rhythm, but towards the end, the lines get a little longer and throw it off.

"I wonder why you’re staring at me
I’m not as pretty as I’d want to be,"

to

"I wonder how I could make you mine
Still couldn’t think of anything after all this time,"

The pace of the story is right on, taking a natural line- no jumping between past, present and future.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

I feel for the character. She waited too long, second guessing herself instead of risking it all and speaking up. Did he like her? She'll never know, because she didn't ask.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
Nothing to suggest. I think prior sections have covered every thing I want to say.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This is really great poetry! Just a couple of minor fixes and you're a perfect 5.

Happy Birthday and
*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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17
17
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Earth*First Impression

I love romance. The sweetness of it is like the innocence of a child, with the maturity of adults. You captured the mood well. Bravo!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

This is a wonderful love poem. I can imagine the couple in the cool night air, pointing up to the stars. They possibly see a shooting star as they gaze up into the still, quiet air.

The one part of the story I do not understand is the last stanza. It makes it sound like you want to continue, but suddenly stops. I would recommend cutting off the final stanza completely and leaving it to the next to last stanza. It sounds complete at that point.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

The lines and stanzas made sense. The reader is pulled in without the confusion of a misplaced structure. The story ran smoothly. You did a good job here!

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

The narrative sounded realistic from the woman's point of view.

I don't exactly know who the characters are. Was this a one night stand? Were they dating? Were they married and he went to work?

This picture is unclear, but it lends to the intrigue of the poem. Job well done!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Tense.*RainbowR*

Past or Present? You start with the present tense, "are", then continue to the finish mixing past and present tenses, past "gave", "sat", "laughed"; present "are" and "keep". I would recommend choosing a tense and sticking with it.

Reading it in both tenses, I prefer the poem in the present tense that you started with. An example would be

There are stars
that we give names
as we sit on the balcony
reaching through the fog with heavy arms
to point to “Twinkle” or “Spot”.


*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This was a very sweet poem. Just needs a little touch up here and there. You did a wonderful job.

*CakeP* Happy Birthday and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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18
18
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


*Earth*First Impression

I thought I knew a thing or two about Hellen Keller, but apparently not. I was not aware, for example, that she was born a healthy baby girl. I also didn't know her family struggled through the Civil War.

I find it amazing that Anne went to teach Hellen directly after school. I thought she'd had prior experience! I wonder why they chose her to teach their daughter then?

Thank you for writing this historical piece about Hellen, her family, and Anne!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The understanding of the plot is no secret, being historical events. Your presentation of the events stands out. How did you come by this information? I'd be interested to know how you know the story.

The settings were simple, yet clear. What I saw was a smaller plantation, as they were not well off, and one of the finer schools in the country. Coming from a poor house, I wonder how Anne got into, and then through, school?

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

There ought to be a blank space between each paragraph as a resting point for the reader's eyes.

I appreciate the pace, though. For the most part, the story was in order and understandable, no jumping here and there. There was something that confused me though.

"He told them to write to Michael Anagos, director of the Perkins Institute and Massachusetts Asylum for the Blind. This was when Anne, the miracle worker as they called her, came in.
Anne had lost the majority of her sight as age five."

How did Helen come into this? Did Michael Anagos refer Anne? And if so, why? How did Anne, with no experience, come to be known as the "miracle worker"? This was the one part in the story I couldn't understand.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

As a biography, there really was no dialogue or narration.

However, I learned quite a bit about all of the characters involved. Captain and Mrs. Arthur and Kate Henley, Hellen, Alexander Bell, and Anne. It was a remarkable series of events that I was not before aware of. I was glad to hear it.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*
"but now a day," could be re-written "but now days,"

"doctors think it might have been scarlet fever of meningitis." "of" should be "or".

"Anne finally went to commerce" "commerce" should be "commence"

"Anne had lost the majority of her sight as age five." "as" should be "at"

"Her mother had soon noticed" "had" is out of place in this sentence.

         *RainbowL*Tense.*RainbowR*

"It turns out that her daughter’s condition was permanent." As this piece is written in past tense, I would say either, "She found out..." or "It turned out..."

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*

"Her mother did not give up hope- she thought" "hope" should have a comma after it, and "thought" could be re-written as "believed".

"It was October 1880, before Anne" no comma necessary after "1880".

         *RainbowL*Confusing Sentence.*RainbowR*

"The first word she learned was ‘doll’, to signify the gift Anne had brought for her new (and first ever)."

A few mistakes in this one; had to read it a couple of times to understand it, still not sure if I truly understand. To the best of my understanding, I might change it to

"The first word she learned was ‘doll’, and to signify the gift Anne bought her her first new doll."

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This is an interesting piece of history. Information that I didn't know before. Except for a few things that need to be cleaned up, this is an excellent biography! Thank you for sharing.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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19
19
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Earth*First Impression

I was disgusted with her parents for sending her away to save their reputations! And what about the safety and care of their daughter and granddaughter? A careless couple indeed!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The plot was carefully thought out and your settings were vivid. I just wish the girl had been able to find a job other than what she found.

And what happened to her daughter and aunt in the bombing? The first thing I would be doing, as soon as I was able, would be looking them up to see that they were safe.

Concern for the characters, especially the main character, was experienced thoroughly. Good job with the show don't tell rule!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Some of the paragraphs weren't quite spaced out properly. Though the proper splits were made, some of the paragraphs were a single line apart. I made a note of them below.

The pace of the story was natural. No rushing, no dawdling, but a steady pace. Good job!

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

The detail of each of the characters was vivid. You did so well with the characters and dialogue, putting so much care into them, that I'm concerned for their well being. Good job!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Paragraphs.*RainbowR*
"Grace's mom said in a disgusted..." should be on a fresh line.

she locked all the doors.
'How could this man

I would recommend a fresh paragraph with the line starting with "How could this man..."

"What a wonderful last memory, they all thought." needs a new line.

         *RainbowL*Grammar.*RainbowR*

"How could a beautiful miracle have come from such a(n) evil act?"

"She cried for the intense pain she was in and why did people have to kill each other anyway?"

I might re-write this sentence as

"She cried for the intense pain she was in. Why did people have to kill each other anyway?"

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*
"It was a rainy(,) miserable night..."
"she brought a sweet(,) helpless child into"

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Just a little tweaking and you have a remarkable piece here.

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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20
20
Review of FOREVER  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Earth*First Impression*ThumbsUp*

Ummm... what's with the space? That's really my first thought. However, upon reading through this piece, I find your story quite fascinating.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

Obviously, this was in the great outdoors, probably a mountain range as the character was a rock. Through darkness and light and into darkness again, you can see what the rock sees. And it's helpful that specific examples are placed near and around it.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:*ThumbsUp*

I was going to say something about your unusual spacing- paragraphs spliced, double spacing throughout, in some places even more spacing than double.

Than I realized something. Your spacing is the unusual format to show the passing of time. Very creative!

As far as the pace is concerned, you didn't go forward and backward, which would confuse the reader, but stayed right on time. Further, you didn't speed through this piece, which would have done away with the point of this interesting story.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:
No dialogue, only narrative, but the slowness of speech by the rock was very representative of his life.

The other main character's words were not heard by the reader, but the comfort of his companionship was felt. Then, at the end of his life, he was buried by the rock for the rest of time.

It wasn't spoken, but you could tell the rock's comfort of this man in particular. Showing, not telling, is hard to represent. Good job here!

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*
I noticed you used "-" instead of commas. Like the spacing, was this to show slow speech and the passage of time?

There's a few places missing commas.
"As I watch(,) I remember..."
"To exist as long as I have(,) you need to be patient."

"I do not feel, anger, hate, fear or pain..."
No comma needed after "feel".

"Why would he not fear the end of life." I would recommend ending this question with a "?"

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

Challenging piece you have to rate and review here! There's a couple of things that I would change, regardless of the space of time, as noted above. Otherwise, this piece is remarkably unique! Good job and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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21
21
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Earth*First Impression

I can imagine how embarrassed the little boy in the story is. Although I do not have Tourettes, I do have physical and mental tics- and they're embarrassing! That's what drew me to read this story; how does someone deal with it who actually has the disease?

I appreciate that the mother found an outlet for the little boy to focus his energy on, and possibly find the focus to control his ticking in school.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The story line was clean, I understood what was going on, at least as much as the boy did. As the narrator was the boy, that's a good thing. *Wink*

Just a thought, but maybe you could show a specific time where he was ticking, got in trouble, and was later teased? Possibly what he went through in school today? Instead of just pulling out of school, really show what happened. Something that would help the reader be afraid for the character as he entered the studio, help them delve more deeply into the story, then relax as he meets his teacher.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Both on target. Story told from beginning to end, no rushing, no dawdling. Paragraphs properly separated to flow from one idea to the next. My one concern would be run on sentences.

"I wasn’t paying attention when we drove away from the school parking lot and didn’t realize we weren’t going home until we were at the mall."

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

Little boys have the tendency to ramble on. It's great to listen to them chatter. This kid has also been through, apparently, a lot today. So that might make him ramble more- the one reason I'm not sure if the run on sentences should be fixed.

His mother was kind and understanding. She supported him the best she knew how. When she didn't know how, she brought him to see someone who knew exactly what the little boy is going through. What a wise and loving mother!

I could understand how he felt when introduced to his new teacher who suffered from the same disability. I'd like to be able to feel the comfort that comes from seeing that his teacher suffers from the same disability. This might be cleared up simply by showing an example earlier in the story, such as what happened in school this morning.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Spelling.*RainbowR*
"my mom pulled in to a parking space." "in to", in this statement, should be one word, "into".

         *RainbowL*Humble Suggestion.*RainbowR*
"He said he’s had it since he was eight and I knew at that minute my daydream would become reality."
Into
"He said he’s had it since he was eight and I knew, in that moment, my daydream would become reality."

         *RainbowL*Run-On Sentences.*RainbowR*
This piece has plenty of them, but that may just be because of dialogue.

"I wasn’t paying attention when we drove away from the school parking lot and didn’t realize we weren’t going home until we were at the mall."

Could be turned into

"I wasn’t paying attention when we drove away from the school parking lot. So I didn’t realize where we were until we were already at the mall."

But, for all I know, you used this tactic for the kid's dialogue, so the change is up to you.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This is a great story with a wonderful narrative. A little more showing, not telling, and simple fixes could make this story even better. Good job with this story and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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22
22
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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*Earth*First Impression
You've got one thing right. This is a very interesting piece. I don't think it was very nice of the frog to suggest trading places with Zamora, nor was it wise of Zamora to fall for it!

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The plot was clear- each thinking that the other's world was better than the one the other was living in. I have my own thoughts on this. People tend to think that their situation is best without looking at how life might improve if they only let go of their prejudices.

As far as the setting goes, that's a bit hazy to me. Obviously they were in Zamora's back yard, but why was there a frog under a glass there? That's confusing to me. I was thinking they might be in some kind of exhibit, but those thoughts were done away with when Zamora's mother called her in for dinner. This part is what confuses me.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

After every statement made by one, there was a blank space before the other spoke, which is proper. As far as the pacing went, it was quite fluid. I was able to follow the story line without skipping over any thing or getting bored.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

Both the frog and Zamora had similar personalities. They both thought that they lived better lives than the other. They didn't consider the possibility that, as individuals, each was living the life they wanted most. Which begs the question, why did the frog want to trade places with Zamora in the first place if he was so content with his own life? Will he be back to trade out with Zamora again, preferably before she's dead?

Dialogue was what made up most of the story. Zamora sounded like a curious little girl, until she was trapped under a glass in her garden, then she was frightened. The frog sounded like an English gentleman, knowing more than some mere child. He, too, seemed to change once he became the girl, though. He realized freedom was all that Zamora had told him it was, and didn't seem interested in returning. So both characters personalities changed.

You showed both personalities and their changes well.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
*RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*

I noticed that sometimes you used speaking punctuation with ' and at other times with " .

ex:
"But you have nothing under the glass,’

"Why won’t you let me take you out of there, so you can play in the garden?"
Unnecessary comma after "there"

" 'Why would I?’ questioned Zamora. " There should be a comma after Zamora as she continues her thought.

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This piece needs a little work, but with a quick check, it'll be a 5.0 for sure! Happy WDC birthday and

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*


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23
23
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression

You describe quite vividly someone who has committed the act of suicide. My question is, why? Their future was so bright, what brought them to the point of suicide?

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings:

The where is somewhat dark to me. I'm more concerned about the character than the settings. Possibly a cold, forgotten place- an abandoned park? Some where people will not see him until it is long past too late. Your brief descriptions of the setting was, perhaps, all that was needed. The main point of the story was to raise concern for suicides that occur every day.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

Except for a missing space between two paragraphs, specified in Suggestions and Typos, the spacing was good. It gave my eyes room to breathe and wasn't too spread out, or paragraphs opened at the wrong places.

As far as the pace was concerned, as far as I can tell beyond my distraction, was right on too. You didn't rush through it from the fear of suicidal thoughts, which is disconcerting to me, but you described how someone in that situation would feel.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue:

There was no dialogue, but the description of your character was vivid. I don't know who he (she?) was, but one thing was for sure, whatever was happening in this person's life, it was obviously too much for them to handle or they wouldn't have done what they did. It draws the reader's attention out of their own world and into the world of another, realizing that there are people who have so many problems they feel they can not handle them and commit the ultimate act.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*

"Inside me is nothing, as it has always been it is doing what it must." To be more effective, I would put a period after "nothing", capitalize "as", and put a comma after "been".

"Long before this terrible day, and long before this place I have been devoid..." There should be a comma after "place".

"I was born into this, fate defined by the hands of others." The comma should be after "fate" instead of "this".

"Moments away from death the rest of my body" There should be a comma after "death".

"life in me expires a simple childhood memory fills my mind, in an..." There should be a comma after "expires", a period after mind, and capitalize "in" as it starts a new sentence.

         *RainbowL*Word Usage.*RainbowR*

"...all that once made me a most human of being." This part of the sentence is confusing. Maybe put, "...all that once made me most a human being."

"Only then will they will hear" "will" repeats. I would take out the "will" after "they".

         *RainbowL*Tense.*RainbowR*

"An effect to a cause that happen..." "happen" should be "happened".

         *RainbowL*Paragraph.*RainbowR*

"it is far more terrifying down there.
In time..." You started a new paragraph between "there" and "In time", but there's no blank space between them.

         *RainbowL*Spelling.*RainbowR*

"A cleaver ploy at trying..." "cleaver" should be "clever".

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:

This scene was absolutely terrifying, but defined a good message. I would suggest adding some more details in though. Although this could happen to just about any one, the why, I believe, is just as important as the act itself. Why would someone feel so compelled to do this?

All in all, a good reminder to open our eyes and pay attention to the needs of those around us!

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
24
24
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*Earth*First Impression *ThumbsUp*
This piece leaves room for the imagination. I can just picture every thing playing out vividly. The story is very realistic and could happen to any one.

*ButterflyR*Plot & Settings: *ThumbsUp*

The plot was etched in stone. You could see Mom as she comes in the door, ready to rest from the worries and stress of her day. Only, instead of getting a break, she goes right back to work as a mother of two rambunctious little girls and a loving husband. Break needed? Definitely! Break received? I think not!

As far as the setting is concerned, only a home and a kitchen were mentioned. Not how nice it was or how shabby the conditions, nor what the characters may have looked like. Yet this story could have happened to any one, so I don't think that any more descriptions should be mentioned. Job well done!

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace: *ThumbsUp*

You did a fairly good job with this, although it did get a bit quick at the end of the second paragraph. If you wanted to give some attention to it, I would tell what other hassles are involved in taking good care of a spouse and children.

Other than this suggestion, the pacing and spacing were explicit. Not too fast, not to slow, and with a healthy paragraph structure.

*ButterflyG*Characters & Dialogue: *ThumbsUp*

The narrative is in third person, looking into the home, and there's no dialogue to speak of. This lends to the intrigue and belief of the story. Because you neither see their surroundings, nor do you know their names, it lets you see through the eyes of society.

There are plenty of homes where parents come home tired and don't get much, if any, time together because of the pressures of taking care of a home. Parents unable to get much, if any time together, working at home no matter how exhausted after their day's work. A stressful life for any one, let alone a one adult home.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:
         *RainbowL*Sentence Structure and Tense.*RainbowR*
"A beautiful snot wipe from her youngest, ughhhhhhhh, she sighs to only forget about it as quickly as she noticed."

At the end of "ugh.." I'd put an exclamation mark and capitalize "she". The next part of this sentence seems all mixed up. I do this myself, only to have to go back and fix it again later. I would put

"She sighs, forgetting about it as quickly as she had noticed."

Or something to that effect. Alternatively, you could take her onto the next thing that happened to show her forgetting the incident. Something I hear a lot in the writing world is "show, don't tell."

As you've written this in the present tense, I'd remember to keep it there as much as possible. This is a tricky term to write in, I'm not sure if I even use it accept, maybe, in my blog. Good writing exercise though! Finally,"that snotsnotty nose needs"

         *RainbowL*Punctuation.*RainbowR*
Missing Comma: "Distracted by the children(,) she races to the kitchen..."

Punctuation is often used for emotion. For example

"And to think.....the evening has just started."

First, I believe the punctuation you're looking for after "think" is a comma, it leaves room for a breath and/or effect with sentences like this one.

Also, knowing what it's like to be a mother, and hearing how tired she is at this point, I would use an exclamation mark at the end to show how she feels.

"Eager for her and the quiet he waits for her..." There should be a comma after "quiet". In my opinion, to make the sentence run more smoothly, I might rewrite the sentence slightly to, "Eager for some quiet time with his wife..."

"With haste she quickly slips on..."

You've put two forms of how fast she's going in this sentence, "haste" and "quickly". "With haste" are not necessary words in this sentence any ways. I would suggest dropping "With haste" and capitalizing "she".

"and they trade stories" comes in a list of things they're doing. "they" really throws things out of balance; I'd take it out.

         *RainbowL*Vocabulary and Story Glitch.*RainbowR*
"She can hear his rhythmical snoring..." "rhythmical" is not a word. I would suggest just changing the word simply to "rhythm". "She can hear the rhythm of his snoring..."

On the other hand, this sentence comes just after you said, "Somewhere in lost conversation she starts to drift off, the black cover of sleep surrounds them both." So she's fallen asleep along with her husband and all of a sudden she's awake?

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating: *ThumbsUp*

This is a really good story, just needs a little ironing out. Welcome to WDC and, as we like to say here,

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
25
25
Review of The Brave  Open in new Window.
Review by ~EL~ Happy NaNo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*Hello from the "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window. [E]!!!*RainbowR*


*ButterflyR*First Impression
A soldier's battle is more than most can ever imagine. We get busy in our day to day lives and tend to forget our own people are fighting for the right to do so in the first place. Thank you for reminding your readers of the importance of our soldiers and their humanity.

*ButterflyO*Space & Pace:

The space around your poem is right on target, your lines are not so long that it looks like you're writing prose instead. The pace draws the reader into and through the piece. Your title is also an attention getter.

*ButterflyB*Suggestions & Typos:

         *ButterflyG*Punctuation and Spelling. Someone once told me that if you're going to put any sort of punctuation into a poem, make sure you put all the punctuation in at the right place. According to that word of advice, I'd check your comma usage- or lack thereof.

ex: "You've paid your dues it's an others' time."

to: "You've paid your dues, it's anothers' time."

Notice the comma after due and the spelling correction with "an other." "Another" is a single word.

         *ButterflyG*Grammar Suggestion. "Not a price is worth humanity total cost." Maybe to "Not a price is worth humanity's total cost."

*ButterflyV*Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This is my two cents worth. Your work is remarkable and, by my own opinion, prepared for publication. Of course, that's coming from someone who's read, wrote, but never been published. Reading several times, I noticed you mentioned how we not only protect our own, but take care of others as well. That's something we should all remember!

*RainbowL*Write On!*RainbowR*
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