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Review of Aegis 2 - Heist  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aegis 2 – Heist

Review By Prier


Summary
         In this chapter of Aegis 2 – Heist, Catalina and Mira attempt a stealthy heist to retrieve a powerful green orb artifact for Avery, who needs it to prevent a disaster in the timeline. Despite Mira’s careful efforts to bypass the security system, their plan is interrupted by a helicopter patrol. Catalina's impatience leads to a showdown where their superhuman abilities allow them to fend off bullets and soldiers. After smashing through the roof, Mira disables the orb’s shield and retrieves it. However, the situation escalates as a massive bullet injures Catalina, testing their restraint against causing casualties. Ultimately, the pair escapes using their powers, merging into a blazing comet of energy that propels them through a gateway in time and space.

Strengths
         1. Pacing and Tension: The chapter maintains a fast-paced flow with escalating stakes, keeping the reader engaged from start to finish.

         2. Prose and Style: The writing style is concise and action-driven, aligning well with the story's high-energy tone.

         3. Character Development: While not deeply explored, Catalina’s conflict between their violent instincts and Avery’s expectations adds nuance to their character.

Grammar and Spelling Errors
         1. Dialogue Punctuation:
                    a."So much for stealth. Mira, lets get this over with."
                              i. Correction: "So much for stealth. Mira, let's get this over with."
                    b"We got what we came for. Lets get the hell out of here before I actually have to kill somebody."
                              i Correction: "We got what we came for. Let's get the hell out of here before I actually have to kill somebody."
         2. Capitalization:
                    a. "Catalina and Mira go on a little heist for Avery."
                              i Correction: "Catalina and Mira go on a little heist for Avery." (capitalize "heist" if it’s in a title format).

         3. Consistency:
                   a."Roger that." said Mira, connecting to the Aegis network via the quantum link.
                             i Correction: "Roger that," said Mira, connecting to the Aegis network via the quantum link.
         4. Word Choice:
                   a. "lets get this over with."
                             i Correction: "let's get this over with."
         5. Minor Typos:
                   a. "This triggered the alarm as shards fell on the item they were supposed to collect, bouncing off the shield surrounding it."
                             i Suggestion: Simplify or clarify for smoother readability.

Constructive Criticism
         1. Setting/Worldbuilding: While there are hints at advanced technology and a futuristic world (e.g., quantum links, powerful artifacts, and time-space gateways), the setting lacks vivid sensory details. The environment feels generic, and readers might struggle to fully visualize the world or its atmosphere.

         2. Theme and Meaning: The chapter focuses on action but misses opportunities to explore deeper themes, such as the moral implications of Catalina’s restraint or Avery's role in the broader conflict. Without a clear thematic anchor, the story risks being perceived as surface-level entertainment.

         3. Character Development: While Catalina’s internal conflict adds depth, Mira remains largely functional, serving as a problem-solver without much personality. Developing their dynamic further could strengthen the emotional stakes.

         4. Plot Structure: The chapter reads as a complete action sequence but feels more like a fragment of a larger narrative. While engaging, it lacks a self-contained arc or resolution that might make it stand stronger on its own.

Suggestions for Improvement
         1. Expand the Setting: Add sensory details to the environment to make the world more immersive. For instance, describe the cityscape, the technology of the helicopter, or the atmosphere inside the building they’re infiltrating.

         2. Deepen Mira’s Character: Give Mira more personality or emotional stakes in the heist. For example, how do they feel about Avery, Catalina, or the mission? This would balance the dynamic between the two protagonists.

         3. Introduce Thematic Depth: Consider weaving in subtle commentary on the nature of power, responsibility, or time manipulation. For instance, Catalina’s restraint could spark a discussion about the cost of violence versus the necessity of control.

         4. Clarify Stakes: While the orb is central to the mission, its significance could be explored further. Why does Avery need it? What disaster is being prevented? Giving the artifact more narrative weight would heighten the tension.

         5. Smooth Transitions: Some transitions between action and dialogue feel abrupt. Adding brief beats of introspection or description could help the pacing feel more natural.

Overall Quality
         This chapter showcases a thrilling, action-packed sequence with strong pacing and an engaging premise. While the story would benefit from deeper worldbuilding and character exploration, your writing demonstrates great potential and a clear grasp of dynamic storytelling. Keep refining your craft, as the foundation here is solid and packed with exciting possibilities!
-Prier
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2
2
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Doctor's Hope for Housing

Review By Prier



Summary

         The narrative follows a troubled protagonist, referred to as Alexander, through the lens of a detached observer tasked with evaluating him for an enigmatic "Task-Master." Alexander is portrayed as a deeply flawed yet introspective individual, grappling with poverty, dependency on medication, and a nomadic existence. He is consumed by his attachment to fleeting pleasures, particularly his obsession with a mysterious "market in the woods," which he views as a source of vitality and purpose. Through journal entries, Alexander reveals his struggles with financial instability, the pursuit of entrepreneurial dreams, and his disdain for traditional work. He oscillates between moments of despair and faint hope, strategizing ways to improve his circumstances while reflecting on his failures and aspirations. The story paints a vivid picture of a man caught in a cycle of longing, survival, and self-inflicted setbacks.

Strengths

         Character Development: Alexander is a compelling, multi-dimensional character whose internal struggles, aspirations, and contradictions are vividly portrayed.
         • Prose and Style: The writing is evocative and rich, effectively balancing introspection with descriptive imagery, particularly in Alexander's journal entries.
         • Theme and Meaning: The story explores complex themes like attachment, ambition, poverty, and the psychological toll of survival, offering depth and relatability.
         • Setting/Worldbuilding: The narrative skillfully conveys a sense of place, whether it's the cold municipal buses, the park, or the "market in the woods," providing a textured backdrop for Alexander's journey.
Grammar and Spelling Errors

         • Verb Agreement and Tense Consistency: In a few places, verb tenses are inconsistent, such as "he only refrains... when he wants to save" (present tense) and "I knew that one day, something would motivate him" (past tense). These shifts can confuse the reader.
         • Word Choice: Phrases like “depriving himself of pocket money” feel slightly awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
         • Sentence Structure: A few sentences are overly complex or convoluted, such as "Without money, drivers would occasionally wake him just to force him off and then allow him to board the same bus again at the end of the line." Breaking this into shorter sentences could improve readability.
Constructive Criticism

          1. Plot Structure: While the story is rich in character detail, the lack of a clear inciting incident, climax, or resolution makes it feel more like a vignette than a cohesive narrative. The journal entries, though insightful, disrupt narrative momentum and could benefit from tighter integration with the overarching story.
         2. Pacing and Tension: The pacing is uneven. The observer's account is detached and methodical, while Alexander's journal entries are more dynamic. This contrast is interesting but creates a disjointed rhythm. Additionally, the stakes remain relatively low throughout, which diminishes tension.
         3. Perspective and Narrative Voice: The observer's tone is clinical and detached, which works for establishing an analytical perspective but risks alienating the reader. A more nuanced balance between detachment and empathy could make the narrator more relatable.

Suggestions for Improvement

         1. Strengthen the Plot: Introduce a clear conflict or turning point in Alexander's journey to heighten tension and give the narrative a stronger sense of direction. For example, show the consequences of his actions catching up to him or a pivotal decision that forces change.
         2. Integrate the Journal More Effectively: While Alexander's journal is compelling, it feels somewhat isolated from the observer's narration. Consider weaving the entries more seamlessly into the main narrative, perhaps by having the observer reflect on them in real-time.
         3. Enhance Pacing: Streamline some of the longer, descriptive passages, particularly in the observer's account, to maintain reader engagement. Use shifts in tone or action to create a more dynamic flow.
         4. Deepen the Narrator's Perspective: Add layers to the detached narrator by hinting at their own biases, doubts, or emotional responses to Alexander’s plight. This would make the observer more human and relatable.Clarify Themes: While the story touches on important themes, they could be explored more explicitly through dialogue, metaphor, or key moments of realization for the characters.

Overall Quality

         This story demonstrates strong potential with its vivid prose, layered characterization, and exploration of compelling themes. While the narrative structure and pacing could benefit from refinement, the foundation is solid, and the writing is evocative and thought-provoking. With some focused revisions, this piece could evolve into an even more engaging and impactful work of fiction. Well done—keep up the great work!


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3
3
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another Day in Paradise

Review By Prier



Summary

         A private detective, struggling through a dry spell of work, is unexpectedly hired by a ghost named Charlie to solve his own murder. Despite the bizarre nature of the case, the promise of a hidden five-thousand-pound reward convinces the detective to take it on. Following his usual methodical approach, he begins investigating Charlie’s crime scene, only to be confronted by an unseen assailant who warns him to back off. When the detective fires his gun in self-defense, he discovers the bullets inexplicably suspended in the air before falling to the ground, confirming that something supernatural is at play.


Strengths

         - Prose and Style: The writing is engaging, witty, and immersive, with a strong noir-inspired voice.

         -Pacing and Tension: The story moves at a brisk pace, keeping the reader intrigued while maintaining a balance between humor and suspense.

         -Character Development: The detective’s personality is well-established through his inner monologue, actions, and dry humor.


Grammar and Spelling Errors

         There are no major grammar or spelling errors. The prose flows smoothly, though a few sentences could be tightened for clarity and impact.


Constructive Criticism

         1. Plot Structure: The chapters feel more like individual scenes rather than distinct sections of a structured story. The narrative could benefit from clearer transitions and better-defined chapter breaks.

         2. Setting/Worldbuilding: The atmosphere is evocative, but the physical environment could be more vividly described—especially the crime scene and the ghost’s interactions with the world.

         3. Theme and Meaning: While the story is entertaining, it could develop a stronger thematic undercurrent, such as exploring justice, morality, or the supernatural beyond just its presence as a plot device.


Suggestions for Improvement

         1. Expand Scenes: Flesh out moments of investigation and discovery. For example, how does the detective process Charlie’s story beyond just accepting it? Adding more internal conflict or skepticism could add depth.

         2. Refine Transitions: Ensure each chapter ends with a clear narrative hook leading into the next scene, rather than stopping abruptly.

         3. Deepen the Supernatural Elements: Charlie’s ghostly presence could be more actively integrated—perhaps having him manifest in small, eerie ways or interact more directly with the detective.

Overall Judgment

         This is an entertaining and well-written opening with a compelling voice and an engaging mix of humor and mystery. Strengthening the structural elements and deepening the supernatural aspects would elevate the story even further. Keep going—this has the makings of a highly enjoyable noir-inspired paranormal mystery!
–Prier


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4
4
Review of Fire in the snow  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Fire in the Snow

Review By Prier



Summary

         The story follows a mysterious narrator, a sentient being of fire, who wakes up in a snowy, desolate landscape with no memory of who or what they are. They are drawn to the Sun, perceiving it as a companion and a reflection of themselves, yet they grapple with feelings of jealousy, pity, and loneliness. As they chase the Sun across the barren world, they wrestle with existential questions about their identity and purpose. Gradually, they come to realize that the knowledge, memories, and even their very existence might not belong to them but to someone else. In a moment of solace, they find a broken lantern—a memento that feels truly theirs—symbolizing a small piece of individuality amidst the confusion. The story ends with the narrator identifying themselves as "a candlelight," embracing this fragile but personal sense of self.

Strengths:

1. Prose and style: The writing is evocative and poetic, employing vivid imagery and introspective narration to immerse the reader in the narrator’s emotional journey.

2. Theme and meaning: The story explores profound themes of identity, purpose, and existential loneliness in a way that feels deeply personal and relatable.

3. Setting/worldbuilding: The desolate, snowy landscape and the symbolism of the Sun are well-crafted, creating a vivid and atmospheric backdrop for the narrator’s journey.

Grammar and Spelling Errors
         
1. Tense consistency: There are occasional shifts between past and present tense that disrupt the flow. For example:
         "I look down at my hands..." followed by "I remember the first day here..."

2. Sentence clarity: Some sentences are overly long or convoluted, making them harder to parse. For instance:
         "Knowledge starts pouring in my mind, not things I didn't know, but which I simply didn't know were there" could be rephrased for clarity.

3. Minor typos:
         "It lives contempt with its purpose" should likely be "It lives content with its purpose."

4. Repetition: Certain phrases, such as "day after day after day," are repeated unnecessarily, which can dilute their impact.

Constructive Criticism
         
1. Plot structure: While the story’s introspective nature is compelling, the narrative lacks a clear progression or resolution. The character’s journey is emotional but feels cyclical, with little external action to complement the internal conflict.

2. Character development: The narrator’s emotional struggle is vivid, but their growth feels incomplete. They identify as "a candlelight," but this realization doesn’t fully resolve the existential questions raised earlier.

3. Pacing and tension: The story’s reflective tone is engaging but risks becoming monotonous. The lack of external conflict or variation in pacing might lose some readers’ interest.

Suggestions for Improvement
         
1. Refine the plot structure: Introduce a clearer inciting incident and resolution. For example, the narrator could encounter a tangible clue about their past or a moment of external conflict that drives their internal realization forward.

2. Deepen character development: Explore the narrator’s transformation more fully. How does discovering the lantern change their perception of self? What does it mean to embrace being "a candlelight"?

3. Vary pacing: Break up reflective passages with moments of action, dialogue, or interactions with the environment to maintain reader engagement.

4. Clarify prose: Edit for clarity and brevity, especially in longer sentences. Keep the poetic style, but ensure it doesn’t hinder comprehension.

5. Expand worldbuilding: Provide more sensory details about the snowy landscape and the remnants of civilization. This could enrich the atmosphere and ground the narrator’s journey in a more tangible setting.

Overall Quality

         This story is a beautifully introspective exploration of identity and purpose, written with a poetic and evocative style that captures the reader’s imagination. With some refinement to the plot structure and pacing, as well as deeper character development, it has the potential to resonate even more deeply with readers. Your ability to convey complex emotions and themes is a true strength—keep honing it!

–Prier
R.O.A.R. Signature 2


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5
5
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Of Love and Ghosts

Review By Prier


         The narrative captures an intimate, reflective moment between two young lovers after a physical encounter. Set in a humid North Carolina evening, the narrator describes the quiet, solitary atmosphere as they lie together under a sheet, each lost in their thoughts. The mood deepens when the haunting sound of "Taps" drifts through the night, stirring profound emotions in the narrator, who grapples with unspoken feelings and a sense of loneliness. The story ends with the narrator lying awake, emotionally raw and tearful, as he confronts a truth he is not yet ready to fully acknowledge.

         The narrative effectively creates a mood of intimacy and introspection. The narrator’s emotions are well-described, while the other character’s feelings remain a delicious mystery. The use of "Taps" as a symbolic element is poignant, its connection to the narrator’s internal conflict remains untold but surprisingly relatable and moving.

         This is a poignant and evocative piece that captures the complexity of a fleeting, intimate moment. Its emotional depth and atmospheric writing makes it a truly compelling and memorable piece. Keep writing—your ability to convey raw emotion is a gift!
-Prier
R.O.A.R. Signature 2


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6
6
Review of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Time

Review By Prier


Summary
          The story is a philosophical exploration of life, death, and second chances. The protagonist finds themselves in a surreal, white void after a car accident, confronted by a robotic voice that asks what they would do if given another life. The protagonist lists desires like playing the piano, finding love, and having a dog, while grappling with existential questions. The voice reveals an "emergency exit," a black door that symbolizes death. The story ends with the protagonist contemplating the handle of the door, questioning the nature of existence and the choice to live or die.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
          The text is mostly free of grammar and spelling errors, but there are minor issues:

1. Repetition of phrases like "What else? What else?" could be streamlined for better rhythm.

2. Inconsistent punctuation, such as missing commas in some sentences (e.g., "I was in the car, wheeling the wheels through town until I found something to do, then a red light, a noise, dark, hospital, dark again, and here I am.").

3. Awkward phrasing in places, such as "The door is next to me, three meters away, or two meters, maybe one meter away and counting," which could be clarified.


Constructive Criticism
         
1. Storytelling: The concept is intriguing, but the pacing feels uneven. The repetitive dialogue with the robotic voice, while intentional, may frustrate readers. The ending is thought-provoking but could benefit from a stronger emotional payoff.

2. Character Development: The protagonist’s voice is relatable but somewhat passive. Their internal conflict and emotional stakes could be deepened to make their existential crisis more compelling.

3. Reader Enjoyment: The philosophical themes are engaging, but the abstract setting and repetitive dialogue might alienate some readers. Balancing the abstract with concrete details or emotional moments could enhance engagement.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         
1. Refine the Dialogue: Reduce the repetition of phrases like "What else? What else?" to maintain reader interest. Use varied language or tone to convey the robotic voice’s persistence without monotony.

2. Deepen Emotional Stakes: Explore the protagonist’s regrets, fears, or hopes more vividly. For example, why do they want to play the piano or find love? What drives their hesitation about children?

3. Enhance the Setting: Add sensory details to the white void and black door to make the setting more immersive. For instance, describe the texture of the door’s handle or the quality of the silence.

4. Strengthen the Ending: Consider a more definitive or emotionally resonant conclusion. Does the protagonist open the door? What does their choice reveal about their character or the story’s themes?


Overall Quality
          The story shows promise with its philosophical depth and unique premise. While it needs refinement in pacing, dialogue, and emotional engagement, it demonstrates a thoughtful exploration of life, death, and second chances. With some polishing, this piece has the potential to be a compelling and memorable work. Keep writing—your voice and ideas are worth developing!

Prier

R.O.A.R. Signature 2


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7
7
Review of Dear Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Dad

Review By Prier


Summary
          The story, “Dear Dad” by Novaire, unfolds on a gloomy evening as Connor, grappling with intense regret and grief, reflects on his estranged relationship with his late father. Sitting on a hillside, he is joined by a supportive companion, presumably a close friend or romantic interest, who provides him with emotional sanctuary. Through their dialogue, Connor unveils his internal struggle of unspoken apologies, unresolved conflicts, and painful self-reproach over his adolescent defiance that distanced him from his father. The story concludes with his companion encouraging him to cherish the valuable lessons his father indirectly imparted and to carry forward the essence of family bonds, finding bittersweet solace in realizing his father's enduring influence.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
          The text does not contain any notable spelling or grammar mistakes. The writing is free of misspellings and follows standard grammatical structure throughout, maintaining clarity and coherence. However, there is some room for stylistic improvement, particularly regarding punctuation (e.g., varied sentence lengths and structural breaks) to guide emotional flow.


Constructive Criticism
          The story holds emotional weight and valuable themes of regret, family, and reconciliation, but it struggles to fully immerse the reader due to certain shortcomings. The emotional responses and dialogue occasionally feel forced, lacking subtlety and natural rhythm, which diminishes the authenticity of Connor’s grief and self-revelation. For instance, Connor’s introspections feel more explanatory than evocative—telling the reader what he feels rather than letting emotions organically surface through actions or environmental cues. Additionally, the secondary character's voice occasionally comes across as generalized, overly didactic in tone, and doesn’t reflect the nuanced individuality that might deepen their emotional connection with Connor. The narrative has potential but requires refining raw emotions into something more nuanced and relatable for the reader.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Deepen Emotional Authenticity: Allow emotions to emerge naturally through Connor’s behavior and interaction with his environment rather than explaining them outright. For instance, instead of Connor describing how sorry he feels, show it through small, impactful moments like physical actions (e.g., fidgeting, staring at an object that reminds him of his father).

         2. Refine the Dialogue: The dialogue needs more subtlety and nuance. Rather than having characters explain their feelings in full sentences, create room for natural pauses, hesitations, or unfinished thoughts that resemble real grief conversations. Adjust their tones to reflect shifting emotional states.

         3. Enhance the Secondary Character: Give Connor’s companion a more distinctive personality and voice. Maybe she recalls a shared memory with Connor or his dad that brings added emotional resonance. Personalizing her dialogue will feel less like exposition and more like an engaged conversation.

         4. Employ Symbolism or Imagery: Strengthen the narrative by weaving in symbolic imagery or motifs. For example, the sunset could mirror the closing of Connor’s chapter of anger and regret, while the cool breeze might symbolize a hint of hope or renewal.

         5. Tighten Sentences for Emotional Pacing: The pacing could benefit from more variation. Short, fragmented sentences can intensify emotional moments, while longer, reflective sentences give readers space to breathe.

Overall Quality
         “Dear Dad” portrays a heartfelt and meaningful exploration of regret, forgiveness, and familial bonds, tackling weighty themes with earnestness and care. While the story does an admirable job of conveying its central messages, its current delivery restrains the reader from fully connecting with the characters or their emotions. With a focus on subtlety, dialogue refinement, and deeper immersion in Connor’s internal world, this story has the potential to resonate deeply with anyone who has grappled with the challenges of saying goodbye or making amends. Excellent effort—the raw emotion is there; now it just needs to be polished into an unforgettable literary experience. Keep going!
–Prier

R.O.A.R. Signature 2


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8
8
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Justice, Vengeance, Love, and Law

Review By Prier


Summary
         "Justice, Vengeance, Love, and Law" by Boulden Shade delves into the interwoven themes of morality, justice, faith, and shame through a deeply philosophical and religious lens. The poem narrates the speaker's journey from a sense of self-righteous justice, rooted in Old Testament vengeance, to an introspective realization of sin, imperfection, and the New Testament's call for love, grace, and restraint. The imagery oscillates between the starkness of justice and the sacrifice of Christ, embodying themes of guilt, redemption, and divine wisdom. The recurring motif of stones—symbols of judgment and condemnation—contrasts with Christ's teachings of mercy and forgiveness, forming a profound critique of human fallibility and the higher ideals of grace.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
          The poem is largely free of grammar and spelling errors. Minor stylistic areas for improvement include:

         1. Consistency in the possessive apostrophe for "Justice' Halls," which could benefit from clarity (e.g., "Justice's Halls").

         2. Lack of proper subject-verb agreement in “Justice is mine sayeth the Lord,” where “sayeth” might feel archaic compared to the rest of the language.

         On the whole, these are minor issues that do not heavily detract from the poem’s meaning.


Constructive Criticism
         1. Originality and Freshness: While the poem’s themes align with traditional religious and philosophical discourse, its interplay between justice and mercy feels familiar yet not groundbreaking. The blending of Old and New Testament imagery is nuanced but could be further innovated.

         2. Emotional Impact: The narrator’s shame and introspection are poignant, though additional specificity or personal detail could make the emotional resonance more gripping.

         3. Imagery and Sensory Details: The use of stones, shadows, and Christ’s bleeding side is evocative, but the imagery could be extended to immerse the reader more fully in the settings of Justice’s Halls or the heart of divine grace.

         4. Technical Skill: The rhythm and structure are consistent, but there’s some unevenness in meter and flow, particularly in how the enjambments affect pacing. Certain lines feel dense, which might benefit from more deliberate spacing or refinement.

         5. Coherence and Unity: The poem’s cyclical structure serves the themes well, but there’s a slight shift in tone and clarity between stanzas, making some connections feel abrupt. For example, the transition from "Him without sin..." to the closing lines could be smoothed.

         6. Depth and Complexity: The poem touches philosophical questions about justice and love with admirable depth, yet it leans heavily on established religious doctrine. More exploration of the speaker's unique voice or a fresh philosophical insight could elevate its complexity.

         7. Relevance and Universality: The central moral of forgiveness over judgment is timeless and universal. However, it slightly assumes familiarity with Christian concepts, which might limit accessibility for a broader audience.

         8. Memorability: Certain lines, such as “Him without sin shall cast the first strike,” carry weight due to their Biblical resonance, but other original lines feel less striking or memorable.

Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Deepen the Imagery: Expand the sensory details around Justice’s Halls or the “bleeding side of Christ” to more vividly paint the poem’s internal and external conflicts.

         2. Clarify and Strengthen Transitions: Ensure smoother connections between stanzas, particularly from philosophical reflections to declarations of faith or action. This will enhance coherence and unity.

         3. Refine Emotional Impact: Infuse more personal details or vivid descriptions of the narrator's experiences to heighten the emotional stakes and relatability of their guilt and transformation.

         4. Rework Rhythmic Flow: Revisit the spacing and meter of certain lines for smoother readability and natural rhythm, especially where enjambments disrupt the emotional build-up.

         5. Innovate on Familiar Themes: Introduce a more distinct narrative voice or situational context that provides a new perspective on the Biblical themes of justice, love, and vengeance.

         6. Revise Minimal Stylistic Errors: Address minor grammatical consistencies (e.g., “Justice’ Halls” and “sayeth”) to enhance polish and precision.

         7. Broaden Universal Accessibility: Offer subtle context to aid accessibility for readers less familiar with Christian texts while maintaining the poem’s core meaning.


Overall Quality
          Overall, "Justice, Vengeance, Love, and Law" is a deeply thoughtful and evocative poem that wrestles with profound themes of morality, faith, and redemption. While there is room for refinement, its interplay of religious symbolism and introspection carries strong emotional weight and philosophical inquiry. With careful attention to detail and a touch of innovation, this poem has the potential to resonate deeply with a wide audience and leave a lasting impression. Keep exploring these impactful and ambitious themes—your voice has great depth and significance!
–Prier
R.O.A.R. Signature 2


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9
9
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Like a Hummingbird

Review By Prier


Summary
          The story "Like a Hummingbird" follows Frank, an obese man desperate to lose weight while combating unrelenting cold and a sluggish metabolism. Frustrated by his diet's ineffectiveness, Frank stumbles upon a seductive online advertisement for a product called "Hot Blooded," which promises rapid weight loss and warmth through a faster metabolism. Upon taking the pills, Frank experiences extreme hunger akin to that of a hummingbird, allowing him to gorge on food while shedding pounds at an alarming rate. His overheated body and temper spiral out of control even as the weight melts away. At a doctor's visit, despite having achieved significant weight loss, his dangerously elevated body temperature and heart condition lead to a fatal heart attack. In his final moments, Frank takes solace in having achieved the weight loss he'd so desperately sought.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
          The text is well-written, with clean grammar and spelling overall. However, a few minor issues could be addressed:

         1. Inconsistent use of italics for emphasis:
          - Example: "Right. Willpower. That's the ticket."
          - Italics might improve clarity and tone.

         2. Wordiness in some places:
          - Example: "The furnace kicked in and a gust of air sent chills prickling down his body."
          - Could be trimmed for a tighter, more concise sentence.

         3. Minor stylistic redundancy:
          - Example: "Frank frowned. That thing about hummingbirds sounded scientific."
          - The repetition of "Frank frowned" in close proximity could be rephrased to avoid monotony.


Constructive Criticism
         1. Tone and pacing: The narrative effectively builds up Frank's frustration and desperation but falters slightly in maintaining consistent pacing toward the climax. The transition between his weight loss journey, growing hunger, and ultimate tragedy feels slightly rushed toward the end.

         2. Character development: While Frank's physical and emotional struggle is clear, his inner life lacks depth. His motivations beyond external pressures (e.g., health concerns, and societal expectations) could be explored more for greater empathy and dimensionality.

         3. Ending impact: The climactic heart attack ending feels predictable and could use a more unexpected or thought-provoking conclusion. Frank's seeming contentment in death contrasts with his earlier frustrations, and this narrative shift isn’t fully fleshed out.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Title: Consider revising the title to something more evocative or thematic like "Hummingbird Inferno." This ties in the hummingbird metabolism metaphor and the physical overheating Frank experiences.

         2. Enhancing Frank's inner world: Add brief internal monologues or memories about his struggles with weight and how they affect his self-image or relationships. This would make his decision to try "Hot Blooded" more compelling and relatable.

         3. Streamlining sentences: Trim redundant or overly descriptive passages to achieve a more minimalist, snappy style.
          - Example: "He snatched up his clothes, dressed, and stormed into the kitchen to check the thermostat."
          - Could be shortened to: "He threw on his clothes and checked the thermostat."

         4. Improving the climax and conclusion: Make Frank’s epiphany or transformation in his final moments more powerful. You could add an ironic twist, such as him realizing the futility of chasing superficial goals or discovering the scam of "Hot Blooded" as he dies. This would underscore the tragedy or satire of the story more effectively.

         5. Reducing word count: While the story is already within the limit, trimming the lengthy product pitch could free space for richer characterization or a more dynamic ending.


Overall Quality
          This well-crafted short story successfully combines humor, tragedy, and a touch of irony to tackle the theme of desperation and unattainable societal ideals. The hummingbird metaphor is clever and unified with Frank's surreal demise, offering an engaging throughline. Though it could benefit from trimming, some added depth to characters, and a more impactful ending, the story already has a strong foundation. With thoughtful polish, this piece promises to leave a lasting impression on readers. Keep up the fantastic work—your humor and creativity shine through brilliantly!
–Prier


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10
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Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
An Artist Undone

Review By Prier


Summary
          The poem eloquently expresses the speaker's deep admiration and longing for someone they find exceptionally beautiful and inspiring. It explores feelings of jealousy—not directed at the person, but at the intangible aspects (time, air, light) that intimately surround them. The speaker laments their inability to create art that could match the subject's beauty, acknowledging that no artistic endeavor, however inspired, could rival the person's unique essence. Furthermore, they express a complex mix of reverence and possessiveness, wishing to shield this muse from others who might not see or appreciate them as deeply. The poem concludes with a bittersweet realization that this unattainable beauty has both ruined and transformed the speaker.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
         - Grammar: The poem is grammatically sound throughout. Its meticulous phrasing reflects intentional poetic choices rather than errors.
         - Spelling: There are no spelling issues detected.
         - Note: The stylistic fragmentation of sentences, such as "I am jealous-- / Not of you," is deliberate and aligns with the poem's tone, so it cannot be deemed an error.


Constructive Criticism
         1. Originality and Freshness: The poem takes a well-trodden theme—the unattainable muse—and adds some fresh elements, like jealousy directed at abstract entities (time, light, air). However, certain metaphors, such as likening the eyes to something beyond heaven or referencing muses, are somewhat conventional.
         2. Emotional Impact: The poem conveys a deep emotional resonance, but its intense reverence might benefit from occasional contrasts or grounding moments. This would offer a more dynamic emotional experience rather than constant adoration.
         3. Imagery and Sensory Details: The poem includes evocative imagery, but some moments skirt cliché (e.g., eyes evoking forgotten shades or stars being sculpted). While these images are beautiful, they could benefit from more unexpected sensory details that captivate freshly.
         4. Technical Skill: The poem shows command over poetic rhythm and structure. The free verse form allows the emotions to flow naturally, yet a stronger overall rhythm or placement of pauses would tighten the musicality.
         5. Coherence and Unity: The focus on unattainable beauty is consistent and unified, though certain stanzas feel belabored, as if restating the same ideas without new insights.
         6. Depth and Complexity: The poem is thought-provoking—delving into themes of creation, admiration, and insecurity. However, it leans heavily on admiration and could delve deeper into how this dynamic transforms the speaker.
         7. Relevance and Universality: Love, admiration, and longing are universal themes, ensuring relatability. However, the language occasionally feels exclusive—rooted in the speaker's experience and less inviting for readers to place themselves in the framework.
         8. Memorability: While the overall sentiment is poignant, it lacks a strikingly unique line or unexpected turn that lingers. The imagery and phrasing could be sharpened to contain more surprising or singular moments.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Incorporate fresh imagery: Replace or expand on conventional metaphors (eyes, stars, muses) with more innovative or personalized descriptions to enhance originality.
         2. Introduce contrasting tones: Weave in small instances of humor, awe, or hope to provide relief and variation from the dominant tone of longing and reverence. This will create more nuanced emotional layers.
         3. Sharpen focus: Tighten stanzas or lines that reiterate the same sentiment (e.g., the jealousy of intangible forces and expressions of inferiority) to maximize impact.
         4. Add grounding details: Include sensory details rooted in tangible reality to balance the abstract and ethereal tone, allowing readers to connect more directly.
         5. Refine rhythm: Experiment with line breaks and rhythms to give some phrases more punch or musicality. For example, some repetitive sections could be staggered or more succinct.
         6. Explore broader themes: Push the poem’s scope a little further to consider how the speaker's transformation from this unattainable muse affects their identity or creative process as an artist.
         7. Craft a memorable closing moment: End on a strikingly original or thought-provoking image to leave a lasting impression on the reader.


Overall Quality
          This poem beautifully evokes the consuming power of admiration and longing, tackling a timeless subject with heartfelt articulation. The depth of your emotion and clear passion for language shine throughout. By introducing innovative imagery and refining the rhythm, you could elevate this work from powerful to unforgettable. Keep writing—your talent for emotional resonance is undeniable!

–Prier 2/14/2025
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Review of Ch.1 - Genesis  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The Business of Perdition

Review By Prier


Summary
         "The Business of Perdition" is a dark and introspective opening to a story set in mid-18th century London, blending themes of despair, societal decay, and occult intrigue. The narrator, a disillusioned aristocrat, reflects on the hellish conditions of London's impoverished underclass and the moral corruption of the wealthy elite, including his own complicity in perpetuating suffering through business dealings. Haunted by guilt and a yearning for meaning beyond the hollow existence of affluence, he becomes obsessed with the mystical and occult, seeking forbidden knowledge to escape his existential torment. His quest leads him to the shadowy underbelly of London, where he encounters a mysterious figure who directs him to the infamous slums of Saint Giles, setting the stage for a descent into the macabre and supernatural.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
         1. "On morning stroll" – Should be "On a morning stroll."
         2. "in route" – Should be "en route."
         3. "Thusly left to suppurate" – "Thusly" is archaic and redundant here; "Thus left to suppurate" would suffice.
         4. "penetralia" – While technically correct, it is an obscure word that may confuse readers.
         5. "feint spark" – Should be "faint spark."
         6. "churls and meek toilers" – "Churls" is an archaic term that may not resonate with modern readers.
         7. "barbary pirates" – Should be "Barbary pirates" (capitalize proper noun).
         8. "imbrued empire" – "Imbrued" is an unusual word choice; "stained" or "tainted" might be clearer.
         9. "moreso" – Should be "more so" (two words).
         10. "moreso than that sorry lot" – The phrase is awkward; consider rephrasing for clarity.

         Overall, the text is grammatically sound but occasionally leans on archaic or overly complex language that may obscure meaning.


Constructive Criticism
         1. Language and Period Authenticity: While the language captures the 18th-century tone effectively, it occasionally becomes overly dense and archaic, which risks alienating modern readers. Words like "penetralia" and "thusly" feel unnecessarily ornate and may muddle the narrative.
         2. Pacing: The story's pacing is slow, with long, reflective passages that delay the introduction of the central conflict. While the introspection is rich, it risks losing reader engagement before the plot fully unfolds.
         3. Character Development: The narrator's internal conflict is compelling, but his voice dominates the narrative to the point where other characters and settings feel underdeveloped. The mysterious figure in the slums, for instance, is intriguing but fleetingly described.
         4. Show vs. Tell: The narrative leans heavily on exposition, particularly in describing the narrator's disdain for society and his guilt. More vivid, immediate scenes could better illustrate these themes.
         5. Reader Engagement: The philosophical musings, while thought-provoking, may overwhelm readers looking for a more immediate hook into the story's supernatural elements.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Balance Language with Clarity: Simplify some of the more archaic or obscure word choices to maintain the period tone without sacrificing readability. For example, replace "penetralia" with "depths" or "recesses."
         2. Introduce Conflict Earlier: Consider weaving in hints of the occult or the narrator's descent into the supernatural earlier in the text to hook readers more quickly.
         3. Show, Don’t Tell: Replace some of the reflective exposition with scenes that demonstrate the narrator's guilt and disillusionment. For instance, a direct interaction with the impoverished could make his internal conflict more visceral.
         4. Develop Supporting Characters: Expand on the mysterious figure in the slums to make him more memorable and impactful. His cryptic nature is intriguing but could benefit from more vivid description or dialogue.
         5. Pacing Adjustments: Trim some of the philosophical musings to quicken the pace and maintain reader interest. Focus on advancing the plot while retaining the story's dark, reflective tone.
         6. Foreshadowing: Use subtle hints to build suspense about the narrator's descent into the occult. For example, eerie symbols or whispered rumors could create a sense of foreboding.
         7. Immersive Setting: While the descriptions of London are evocative, they could be more immersive with sensory details—sounds, smells, and textures that bring the setting to life.


Overall Quality
         "The Business of Perdition" is a richly atmospheric and thought-provoking opening that effectively captures the dark, oppressive tone of its mid-18th-century setting. While there are areas for refinement, particularly in pacing and clarity, the story's philosophical depth and evocative descriptions lay a strong foundation for a compelling dark occult narrative. With some adjustments, this piece has the potential to deeply engage readers and draw them into its haunting world. Keep up the excellent work—your talent for crafting vivid, introspective prose shines through!

-Prier
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Review of A glimpse  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Glimpse

Review By Prier


Summary
         "A Glimpse" by Pandora is a poignant short story about love, loss, and overcoming fear. The narrator recounts their memories of a loved one, a woman who was deeply connected to the sea. Her passion for swimming contrasts with the narrator's fear of water, creating a dynamic of admiration and longing. Tragedy strikes when she drowns, leaving the narrator to grapple with grief and guilt. Years later, a chance encounter with her bracelet rekindles memories and inspires the narrator to confront their fear of water, culminating in a moment of catharsis as they finally float in the sea, symbolically reconnecting with her spirit.

Grammar and Spelling Errors
          The text is well-written with no significant grammar or spelling errors. The sentences are clear, and the punctuation is appropriately used. There are no noticeable typos or awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Constructive Criticism
         1. Character Depth: While the narrator's emotions are vividly portrayed, the story could benefit from more backstory or details about the relationship between the narrator and the swimmer. This would deepen the emotional impact of the tragedy.
         2. Pacing: The transition from the swimmer's disappearance to the discovery of her body feels abrupt. Expanding on the search and the narrator's emotional turmoil during this period could heighten the tension and make the resolution more impactful.
         3. Ending Ambiguity: The ending, while symbolic, leaves some ambiguity about the narrator's emotional state and whether they have found peace or are still grappling with their loss. Clarifying this could provide a more satisfying conclusion.
         4. Setting Description: The story's setting—the beach and the sea—is central to the narrative but could be described in more vivid detail to immerse the reader further.

Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Expand Emotional Depth: Add more details about the relationship between the narrator and the swimmer. For example, include specific memories or conversations that highlight their bond and shared dreams.
         2. Enhance Pacing: Slow down the narrative during the swimmer's disappearance and the subsequent search. Include more sensory details and the narrator's internal thoughts to build suspense and emotional resonance.
         3. Clarify the Ending: Provide a clearer resolution to the narrator's emotional journey. Perhaps include a reflection or internal monologue that ties their act of floating to their process of healing.
         4. Enrich Setting Descriptions: Use more evocative language to describe the beach, the sea, and the atmosphere. This would enhance the story's mood and draw the reader deeper into the world.
         5. Symbolism and Themes: While the bracelet and the act of floating are powerful symbols, their significance could be explored further. For instance, the bracelet could trigger more vivid flashbacks or reflections, deepening its emotional weight.

Overall Quality
         "A Glimpse" is a beautifully written and emotionally evocative story that captures the complexities of love, loss, and healing. Its strengths lie in its vivid imagery and the raw, heartfelt emotions of the narrator. With a few adjustments to pacing, character depth, and setting descriptions, this story has the potential to become even more impactful. Keep writing—your ability to convey deep emotions and craft poignant moments is truly remarkable!

-Prier

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Review of Dead Man's Regret  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dead Man's Regret

Review By Prier


Summary
         "Dead Man's Regret" by Venacava is a poignant and tragic short story told from the perspective of Armand La'bri, a man consumed by guilt and regret over his actions. He reflects on his pride and cruelty, which led to the death of his wife and the loss of his child. In a final act of remorse, he writes a letter to his late wife's parents, apologizing for his deeds and expressing his intention to free the slaves he once mistreated. Overwhelmed by his guilt and unable to face the consequences of his actions, he takes his own life, believing he is destined for hell. The story ends with his death, paralleling the fate he inflicted on his wife.


Grammar and Spelling Errors
         1. Ellipses Usage: The ellipses ("...") are overused and inconsistent in spacing, which disrupts the flow of the narrative.
         2. Tense Shifts: There are occasional shifts between past and present tense, such as "I plan to set the slaves free" (present) versus "I had burned every remnant" (past).
         3. Sentence Structure: Some sentences are fragmented or awkwardly constructed, such as "It was my origin that had been touched with the 'brand of slavery.'"
         4. Punctuation: Missing or misplaced punctuation, such as the lack of a period after "Opening the window, I found myself at the top of my house."
         5. Word Choice: Phrases like "I will blind thy eyes and curse thy scornful mouth" feel out of place and inconsistent with the rest of the narrative tone.
         6. Spelling: No major spelling errors were detected.

Constructive Criticism
          The story has a strong emotional core and explores themes of guilt, pride, and redemption effectively. However, the narrative is hindered by inconsistent tone, awkward phrasing, and underdeveloped context. The protagonist's motivations and backstory are hinted at but not fully fleshed out, leaving the reader with unanswered questions about his relationship with his wife and the events leading to her death. The use of archaic language in certain parts ("thy eyes," "scornful mouth") feels inconsistent with the otherwise modern tone of the story.
         Additionally, the pacing is rushed, particularly in the climax, which diminishes the emotional impact of the protagonist's final act.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance)
         1. Develop the Backstory: Provide more context about the protagonist's relationship with his wife, the circumstances of her death, and his internal struggle. This will help readers connect with the characters and understand the weight of his regret.
         2. Clarify Tone and Language: Decide on a consistent tone—whether modern or archaic—and revise the language accordingly to maintain coherence.
         3. Address Pacing Issues: Slow down the narrative, especially in the climax, to allow the emotional weight of the protagonist's actions to resonate with the reader.
         4. Revise Sentence Structure: Simplify and clarify sentences to improve readability and flow. Avoid overusing ellipses and fragmented sentences.
         5. Expand on Themes: Explore the themes of pride, guilt, and redemption more deeply. For example, delve into the protagonist's decision to free the slaves and how this ties into his personal redemption arc.
         6. Polish Grammar and Punctuation: Address the tense shifts, punctuation errors, and awkward phrasing to enhance the overall professionalism of the piece.


Overall Quality
         "Dead Man's Regret" is a deeply emotional and thought-provoking story with a compelling premise. While there are areas that need refinement, the raw emotion and themes of guilt and redemption shine through, showcasing the potential for a powerful narrative. With some additional development and polishing, this story could leave a lasting impact on its readers. Keep writing and refining—your voice has the ability to evoke profound emotions!

-Prier


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Review of Finding the Truth  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Finding the Truth

Review by Prier

Summary

         "Finding the Truth" is a suspenseful sci-fi short story centered on Taffane, a seasoned Cargo Controller aboard a spaceship, who is dismissed from her position following a mysterious explosion in the Cargo Bay. Despite her dismissal, Taffane embarks on a personal investigation to uncover the truth behind the incident, suspecting foul play. Her journey reveals a hidden cache of weapons aboard the spaceship, a violation of their supposed weapon-free policy. Taffane faces life-threatening dangers, including an assassination attempt, as she uncovers a conspiracy involving the ship's leadership, Honciran and Stephonim, who justify the weapons as necessary for survival in space. The story culminates in a tense confrontation where Taffane exposes their secret to the entire spaceship, risking her life to ensure the truth is known.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         1. Spelling Errors:
          - "casks" should be "asks" in the line: `"How are these workers?" Taffane casks.`
          - "Taffany" should be "Taffane" in the line: `Someone points the barrel of a weapon at Taffany...`

         2. Grammar Issues:
          - Awkward phrasing: "I live next to my office, nearly forty/ten." The meaning of "forty/ten" is unclear and needs clarification.
          - Inconsistent tense: The story occasionally shifts between past and present tense, e.g., "Taffane keeps looking at the piece of something she has found" (present) vs. "Taffane picks up a metal piece of something" (past).
          - Missing articles: "That's not responsibility anymore" should be "That's not your responsibility anymore."
          - Redundancy: "The two Life and Death Professionals leave. As they leave..." could be streamlined for clarity.

         3. Punctuation Issues:
          - Missing commas in dialogue: For example, `"What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here."` could use a comma before "You're."
          - Inconsistent use of quotation marks and formatting in dialogue.


Constructive Criticism:

         1. Storytelling and Pacing:
          - The story has an intriguing premise and builds suspense effectively, but the pacing feels uneven. Some scenes, like Taffane's dismissal, are overly drawn out, while others, like the assassination attempt, could use more detail to heighten tension.
          - The narrative occasionally feels repetitive, particularly in Taffane's interactions with other characters, where similar points are reiterated.

         2. Character Development:
          - Taffane is a strong protagonist, but her motivations and emotional responses could be explored more deeply. For instance, her reaction to the assassination attempt is understated, which diminishes the stakes.
          - Supporting characters, such as Honciran and Stephonim, lack depth and come across as one-dimensional antagonists. Their motivations for hiding the weapons could be more nuanced.

         3. World-Building:
          - The spaceship setting is intriguing but underdeveloped. Details about the ship's structure, society, and the broader context of their space journey would enhance immersion.
          - The concept of "Life and Death Professionals" is interesting but not fully explained, leaving the reader with questions about their role and significance.

         4. Dialogue:
          - The dialogue often feels stilted and overly formal, which detracts from the realism of the characters' interactions. More natural, conversational language would improve engagement.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance):

         1. Deepen Character Development:
          - Flesh out Taffane's internal thoughts and emotions, especially during high-stakes moments.
          - Provide more backstory and complexity to Honciran and Stephonim to make their actions more compelling and morally ambiguous.

         2. Enhance World-Building:
          - Add descriptive details about the spaceship, its inhabitants, and the societal rules governing their lives in space.
          - Explain key concepts like "Life and Death Professionals" and the significance of the weapon-free policy.

         3. Refine Dialogue:
          - Make the dialogue more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
          - Use dialogue to reveal character traits and advance the plot more effectively.

         4. Clarify and Streamline the Plot:
          - Eliminate repetitive scenes and focus on advancing the central mystery.
          - Provide more context for the conspiracy and the stakes involved for the spaceship's inhabitants.

         5. Address Grammar and Spelling Issues:
          - Correct spelling errors and ensure consistent tense usage throughout the story.
          - Polish punctuation and formatting, especially in dialogue.

         6. Increase Tension in Key Scenes:
          - Expand on the assassination attempt to make it more suspenseful and impactful.
         - Add sensory details and internal monologue to heighten the reader's connection to Taffane's peril.


Overall Quality:

         "Finding the Truth" is a compelling sci-fi mystery with a strong protagonist and an engaging central conflict. While there are areas for improvement in character depth, world-building, and pacing, the story's suspenseful tone and intriguing premise showcase your talent for crafting thrilling narratives. With some refinement, this story has the potential to captivate readers and leave a lasting impression. Keep up the great work, and don't stop exploring the depths of your creative imagination!

-Prier


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15
15
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Thanksgiving to Dismember

Review By Prier


Summary

         "A Thanksgiving to Dismember" is a comedic and supernatural holiday tale about Angela Henderson's chaotic attempt to host Thanksgiving in her new Victorian home, which happens to be haunted by Edward, a ghostly 19th-century baker. Edward's meddling in the kitchen turns Angela's carefully planned dinner into a series of culinary disasters, from flying turkeys to green gravy and haunted mashed potatoes. Despite the chaos, Angela stands her ground, confronting Edward and demanding he stop interfering. In a surprising turn, Edward redeems himself by magically fixing the ruined meal, leading to a successful dinner and a viral family memory. The story blends humor, holiday stress, and supernatural antics into a lighthearted narrative.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:

The text is well-written with no significant grammar or spelling errors. The dialogue is natural, punctuation is correct, and the narrative flows smoothly. Minor stylistic adjustments could enhance clarity, but no glaring issues were found.


Constructive Criticism:

1. Character Depth: While Angela is relatable as a stressed host, her character could benefit from more internal reflection or backstory to deepen her motivations and emotional stakes. Similarly, Edward’s character, though amusing, could be fleshed out with more personality or history to make him more memorable.
2. Pacing: The story moves quickly from one chaotic event to the next, which is entertaining but leaves little room for tension to build. Slowing down in key moments, such as Angela’s confrontation with Edward, could heighten the emotional payoff.
3. Resolution: The ending, while satisfying, feels slightly rushed. Edward’s sudden decision to fix the meal could be more impactful if it were tied to a moment of mutual understanding or growth between him and Angela.
4. Supporting Characters: Mike, Barbara, and Lily are present but underutilized. Their reactions and interactions could add more layers of humor or emotional resonance to the story.


Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):

1. Develop Angela’s Character: Add moments of introspection or dialogue that reveal her deeper motivations for hosting Thanksgiving (e.g., her relationship with her in-laws or her desire to prove herself).
2. Expand Edward’s Role: Provide more details about Edward’s past or his personality quirks to make him a more compelling antagonist-turned-ally.
3. Enhance the Climax: Slow down the confrontation between Angela and Edward, allowing for more tension and a stronger resolution. Perhaps Edward could acknowledge Angela’s effort before deciding to help.
4. Utilize Supporting Characters: Give Mike, Barbara, and Lily more active roles in the story. For example, Mike could try to mediate between Angela and Edward, or Lily’s TikTok obsession could play a larger comedic role.
5. Add Descriptive Details: While the humor is strong, more sensory details (e.g., the smell of the green gravy or the sound of the turkey spinning) could immerse readers further in the chaos.
6. Foreshadow the Ending: Introduce subtle hints earlier in the story that Edward might have a redeeming side, making his final act of kindness feel more natural.


Overall Quality:

         "A Thanksgiving to Dismember" is a delightful and humorous story that captures the chaos of holiday hosting with a supernatural twist. The comedic timing is excellent, and the premise is both unique and engaging. With a bit more character depth and pacing adjustments, this story has the potential to be a standout piece in the Writers Cramp Contest. Great work, and keep writing!

-Prier


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Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The Painting

Review by Prier


Summary:

         "The Painting" is a chilling short story about a young adult who purchases an unsettling oil painting of an old man to decorate their apartment. Despite their mother's disapproval and warnings about its creepy nature, the protagonist grows increasingly disturbed by the painting, experiencing vivid nightmares and a paralyzing sense of being watched. After consulting with a friend, Benny, and suspecting sleep paralysis, they burn the painting in an attempt to rid themselves of its haunting presence. However, the painting inexplicably reappears, and the old man's expression becomes more sinister, culminating in a terrifying realization that the painting's malevolent force persists, leaving the protagonist trapped in fear.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:

1. Spelling Errors:
- "nauseus" should be "nauseous."
- "bypassers" should be "bystanders."

2. Grammar and Punctuation:
- "I wanted something to decorate my wall" should have a period at the end.
- "Well, I like it, and this is my apartment, so I can do whatever I want" could benefit from a comma after "Well."
- "I was twenty years old and she still managed to make me feel like a child" could use a comma after "old."
- "It was an old oil painting of an old man with a solemn expression on his face" repeats "old" unnecessarily. Consider rephrasing for variety.
- "I was going resume my staring contest" should be "I was going to resume my staring contest."

3. Wordiness and Clarity:
- Some sentences are overly long and could be broken into shorter, more impactful ones for better readability.


Constructive Criticism:

1. Storytelling and Pacing:
- The story builds suspense effectively, but the pacing in the middle section feels slightly repetitive. The protagonist's fear and avoidance of the painting are described multiple times, which could be condensed to maintain tension.
- The climax, where the painting reappears and the old man’s expression changes, is impactful but could be expanded for greater emotional payoff.

2. Character Development:
- The protagonist's internal conflict is relatable, but their personality and backstory could be fleshed out more. For example, why are they drawn to such a disturbing painting? This could add depth to their motivations and make the story more engaging.
- Benny is a supportive friend, but his role feels underutilized. Perhaps he could contribute more to the resolution or add an external perspective to the protagonist's experiences.

3. Atmosphere and Description:
- The descriptions of the painting and the protagonist's fear are vivid, but the setting (the apartment) feels underdeveloped. Adding more sensory details about the environment could enhance the eerie atmosphere.

4. Ending:
- The ending is chilling but abrupt. The story could benefit from a stronger resolution or a hint at what might happen next, leaving the reader with a lingering sense of dread.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance):

1. Enhance the Climax and Ending:
- Expand on the moment the painting reappears and the old man’s expression changes. Describe the protagonist’s emotional and physical reactions in more detail to heighten the horror.
- Consider adding a final twist or revelation to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

2. Condense Repetitive Sections:
- Streamline the middle section where the protagonist repeatedly avoids the painting and experiences fear. Focus on key moments to maintain suspense without redundancy.

3. Develop the Protagonist’s Backstory:
- Provide more insight into why the protagonist chose the painting and their emotional connection to it. This could add depth and make their fear more compelling.

4. Utilize Benny’s Character:
- Give Benny a more active role in the story. Perhaps he could research the painting’s origins or witness something supernatural himself, adding another layer to the narrative.

5. Refine Grammar and Style:
- Address the minor grammar and spelling errors for a polished final draft.
- Vary sentence structure and avoid overusing certain words (e.g., "old").

6. Enhance the Setting:
- Add more sensory details about the apartment and its surroundings to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.


Overall Quality:

         "The Painting" is a compelling and atmospheric short story that effectively captures the essence of horror and suspense. Your ability to build tension and evoke fear is impressive, and the concept of a haunted painting is both classic and engaging. With some refinement in pacing, character development, and descriptive details, this story has the potential to be truly unforgettable. Keep writing and honing your craft—you have a natural talent for storytelling!
–Prier


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17
17
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of: The Poet's Challenge

Review By Prier


Summary of the Poem:
         The Poet's Challenge by JMariah is an inspirational and motivational poem that explores the emotional and psychological struggles of a poet. The poem delves into the inner world of a poet, where creativity and emotions are intertwined, and the need to express oneself through words is overwhelming. The poem encourages poets to tap into their emotions, confront their fears, and let their imagination soar.

Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         There are no noticeable grammar or spelling errors in the poem.

Constructive Criticism:
1. The poem's themes and emotions are familiar and may benefit from a fresh perspective to make them stand out.

2. Some of the language and imagery may feel a bit generic, such as "hearts are eager to be dreaming" or "stardust twinkles in the eyes."

3. The poem's structure and rhythm are well-executed, but some stanzas may feel a bit disconnected from each other.

4. The poem could benefit from a stronger sense of cohesion and unity.

5. The language is rich and evocative, but some lines may feel a bit too sentimental or clichéd.

Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):
1. Add more nuance and complexity to the themes and emotions: While the poem explores familiar themes, it could benefit from a more nuanced and complex exploration of these emotions.

2. Use more original and surprising language: Some of the language and imagery may feel a bit generic or overused. Consider using more unique and unexpected metaphors or descriptions.

3. Strengthen the cohesion and unity of the poem: Consider revising the poem to create a stronger sense of flow and connection between stanzas.

4. Vary sentence structure and length: The poem is written mainly in simple sentences. Consider varying sentence structure and length to create more interest and variety.

5. Avoid sentimental or clichéd language: While the language is rich and evocative, some lines may feel a bit too sentimental or clichéd. Consider revising these lines to create a more authentic and original voice.

Overall Judgement:
         The Poet's Challenge is a heartfelt and motivational poem that explores the emotional and psychological struggles of a poet. While it may benefit from some revisions to strengthen its originality, cohesion, and language, the poem shows a clear passion and dedication to the craft of poetry. With some refinement, this poem has the potential to truly shine. Keep writing, and don't be afraid to take risks and push the boundaries of your creativity!

-Prier


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18
Review of Insert title here  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Insert title here

Review By Prier


Summary
         This untitled poem by Perhaps explores abstract concepts of knowledge, love, and perception. It begins with a paradoxical image of a "breath bereft of breath" and delves into the nature of understanding the unknown. The poem then shifts to challenge common beliefs about love, asserting that love exists independently of hate. It concludes with a metaphorical awakening, suggesting a new understanding gained through acknowledging one's limitations.

Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         There are no apparent grammar or spelling errors in the poem.

Constructive Criticism:
1. The poem's abstract nature may make it challenging for some readers to connect with emotionally.
2. While the imagery is intriguing, it could benefit from more concrete sensory details to ground the abstract concepts.
3. The shift in focus from knowledge to love feels somewhat abrupt and could be more smoothly integrated.
4. Some lines, particularly in the first stanza, may be too cryptic for readers to easily interpret.

Suggestions for Improvement:
1. Consider adding more concrete imagery or sensory details to make the abstract concepts more accessible to readers.
2. Explore ways to create a smoother transition between the themes of knowledge and love to enhance the poem's coherence.
3. Experiment with line breaks and stanza structure to emphasize key ideas and create a more rhythmic flow.
4. Consider developing the mythological aspects further to align more closely with the genre considerations.
5. Reflect on ways to make the poem's message more universally relatable while maintaining its depth.
6. Consider adding a title that complements and enhances the poem's themes.

Overall Quality:
         This poem demonstrates a commendable attempt at exploring profound philosophical concepts through poetic language. Its strengths lie in its thought-provoking ideas and unique perspective on love and knowledge. While it could benefit from some refinement in structure and imagery, the poem shows promise and originality. With further development, it has the potential to become a powerful piece that resonates deeply with readers. Keep exploring these intriguing themes and refining your poetic voice!
-Prier


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19
19
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Synesthesia and The Quintessential Empath

Review by Prier


Summary:

         This essay explores the concept of synesthesia, initially described as the ability to feel others' physical experiences. The author ponders whether this extends to emotional empathy and other forms of sensory crossover. The essay then delves into an analysis of Van Gogh's painting style, suggesting that the artist's unique approach might be a form of synesthesia. The author proposes that Van Gogh painted not just what he saw, but what he felt with his eyes, resulting in a distinctive kinesthetic quality in his work. The essay concludes by speculating whether Van Gogh's supposed madness could be attributed to an overwhelming form of synesthesia.

Grammar and Spelling:

The text contains minimal grammar and spelling errors. There are a few minor issues:
1. "Afterall" should be "After all" (two words).
2. Some comma placements could be adjusted for improved clarity.

Constructive Criticism:

1. The opening definition of synesthesia is somewhat inaccurate and could be more precise.
2. The transition from the general discussion of synesthesia to Van Gogh's painting style is abrupt and could be smoother.
3. The essay could benefit from more personal reflection or examples to support the author's ideas about synesthesia and art.
4. The conclusion about Van Gogh's madness and synesthesia feels speculative and could be better supported or explored.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Research and provide a more accurate definition of synesthesia at the beginning of the essay.
2. Include personal experiences or observations related to synesthesia or empathy to make the essay more engaging and relatable.
3. Expand on the analysis of Van Gogh's work, perhaps by discussing specific paintings that exemplify the kinesthetic quality mentioned.
4. Consider exploring other artists or forms of art that might demonstrate synesthetic qualities to broaden the discussion.

Overall Quality:

         This essay showcases a thoughtful exploration of synesthesia and its potential connection to art, particularly in the context of Van Gogh's work. The author demonstrates a keen interest in the subject and offers intriguing insights into the artist's unique style. While the essay could benefit from more structure and supporting evidence, it presents a compelling starting point for further reflection and research. With some refinement, this piece has the potential to be a fascinating and thought-provoking exploration of the intersection between sensory perception and artistic expression.

-Prier


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20
20
Review of Ted  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Ted

REVIEW By Prier


Summary

         The short story revolves around a young child who possesses a seemingly innocent pink teddy bear named Damian. However, the bear reveals a sinister side, displaying a hatred for the child's mother. As the child engages in a darkly comedic dialogue with the bear, they plot to harm the mother. The story escalates when the bear, with its hidden claws and razor-sharp teeth, attacks the mother, leading to a gruesome scene. The child, caught between the desire for maternal nourishment and the bear's violent intentions, realizes the consequences of their actions too late.

Notable Grammar and Spelling Errors:

1. The phrase "my fat little hands" could be rephrased for clarity and tone.

2. The dialogue punctuation is inconsistent, particularly with the use of quotation marks.

3. The phrase "bared her udders" may be considered inappropriate or jarring in context.

4. The transition between the bear's actions and the child's thoughts could be smoother.

Constructive Criticism:

         The story effectively blends horror and comedy, creating a unique atmosphere that captures the reader's attention. However, the characterization of the child and the mother could be more nuanced to enhance emotional engagement. The dialogue, while humorous, sometimes lacks clarity and could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. Additionally, the pacing feels rushed in parts, particularly during the climax, which could be expanded to build tension and suspense.

Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):

1. Character Development: Flesh out the characters, particularly the mother and child, to create a more relatable emotional landscape. This could involve exploring the child's feelings towards the mother beyond mere irritation.

2. Dialogue Clarity: Ensure that each character's dialogue is distinct and clear. Consider using more varied sentence structures and tones to differentiate between the child and the bear.

3. Pacing and Tension: Slow down the climax to build suspense. Allow readers to feel the weight of the impending violence and the child's internal conflict.

4. Tone Consistency: Reassess the use of humor in conjunction with horror. Ensure that the comedic elements do not undermine the horror aspect, especially in sensitive scenes.

5. Grammar and Punctuation: Review the text for grammatical consistency, particularly in dialogue punctuation and phrasing, to enhance readability.

Overall Judgment:

         This short story presents a compelling and imaginative premise that successfully intertwines horror and comedy. While it has notable strengths in creativity and concept, addressing the character depth, dialogue clarity, and pacing will significantly enhance its impact. With some revisions, this piece has the potential to resonate strongly with readers and leave a lasting impression. Keep up the good work!

-Prier


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21
Review of The Lucky Numbers  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The Lucky Numbers

Review By Prier


Summary

          "The Lucky Numbers" is a horror story that intertwines the past and present of Lisa Wicker, a woman haunted by her college experiences with a secretive club called The Lucky Numbers. The narrative begins with a seemingly innocuous letter from her son's teacher, Renee Morgan, who turns out to be a figure from Lisa's past. As they meet, the story unfolds to reveal dark memories of initiation rituals, pranks, and a traumatic event involving Lisa's rape. The tension escalates as Lisa confronts Renee, leading to a shocking climax where Lisa murders her former classmate in a twisted act of revenge, culminating in a chilling "no-hard-feelings hug."


Summary of Notable Grammar and Spelling Errors:

         The text contains several punctuation errors, particularly with the use of periods and ellipses. There are also instances of incorrect word usage, such as "then" instead of "than," and a few grammatical inconsistencies that disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Constructive Criticism:

         The story presents a compelling premise with a strong horror element, particularly in its exploration of trauma and revenge. However, the pacing is uneven, with some sections feeling rushed while others linger too long on less critical details. The dialogue, while often engaging, occasionally lacks the depth needed to fully convey the characters' emotional states, particularly in moments of tension. Additionally, the transition between the past and present could be more seamless to enhance reader immersion.

Suggestions for Improvement:

         1. Pacing: Reassess the pacing of the story to ensure that critical moments, especially those involving tension and emotional weight, are given adequate time to develop.

         2. Character Depth: Enhance character development by providing more backstory and emotional context, particularly for Lisa and Renee, to make their motivations clearer and more relatable.

         3. Dialogue: Refine dialogue to better reflect the characters' emotional states and histories, ensuring that it feels authentic and impactful, especially during tense exchanges.

         4. Transitions: Improve transitions between past and present to create a smoother narrative flow, helping readers to better understand the connections between Lisa's past experiences and her current actions.

         5. Grammar and Spelling: Conduct a thorough proofreading to correct grammatical errors and ensure consistent punctuation, which will enhance the overall readability of the text.

Conclusion:

         Overall, "The Lucky Numbers" presents a gripping and chilling narrative that effectively explores themes of trauma and revenge. With some focused revisions on pacing, character depth, and dialogue, this story has the potential to resonate even more powerfully with readers. Keep up the great work and continue honing your craft!
–Prier
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22
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Glitch - Chapter 1: Numb

REVIEW By Prier


Summary

          In the first chapter of the novella, we are introduced to Luka Swann, a young boy grappling with the recent death of his father. The narrative unfolds his emotional turmoil, characterized by nightmares and a strained relationship with his mother, who is emotionally distant and critical. At school, Luka feels isolated and misunderstood, often resorting to sarcasm and bravado to mask his pain. His interactions with classmates reveal his struggle for acceptance and the weight of familial expectations, particularly in contrast to his seemingly perfect sister, Sofie. The chapter culminates in Luka's internal conflict as he navigates feelings of loneliness, anger, and a desperate need for love and validation, all while hinting at a mysterious online interaction with a figure named Nightshade.


Summary of Notable Errors in Spelling and Grammar

1. Run-on sentence: "I wake up drenched in my own sweat, my heartbeat tossing back and forth like a boat in a storm." This could be split for clarity.

2. Punctuation: "I can’t let them out. Not when Mother’s watching me like a hawk." The second sentence could be combined for better flow.

3. Awkward phrasing: "I feel like I can’t breathe." This could be more evocative with a stronger metaphor.

4. Inconsistent tense: "I think long and hard before saying something else so idealistic." The use of "think" in present tense contrasts with the past narrative.

Constructive Criticism

         The chapter effectively captures the emotional landscape of a young boy dealing with grief, but it could benefit from tighter sentence structure and clearer punctuation to enhance readability. The character of Luka is compelling, but his sarcasm sometimes overshadows his vulnerability, making it difficult for readers to fully connect with his pain. Additionally, the dialogue can feel stilted at times, lacking the natural flow that would make interactions more believable. The internal monologue is rich and insightful, yet it occasionally becomes repetitive, which can detract from the overall impact of his emotional journey.

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Revise Sentence Structure: Break down long sentences into shorter, more digestible ones to improve clarity and pacing.

2. Enhance Punctuation: Review punctuation usage to ensure proper pauses and breaks, which will help maintain the flow of the narrative.

3. Refine Dialogue: Make dialogue more natural and varied to reflect the characters' personalities and emotions more authentically.

4. Balance Sarcasm and Vulnerability: Ensure that Luka's sarcasm does not overshadow his emotional depth; allow moments of genuine vulnerability to shine through.

5. Clarify Internal Monologue: Streamline Luka's thoughts to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement.

Overall Quality Judgment

         Overall, the first chapter of this novella presents a poignant exploration of grief and the complexities of childhood emotions. While it has notable strengths in character development and emotional depth, addressing the grammatical issues and enhancing the clarity of the narrative will significantly improve reader engagement. With some revisions, this story has the potential to resonate deeply with its audience, making it a compelling read in the children's and family genres. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing how you refine this
–Prier


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23
23
Review of Hot Pursuit.  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hot Pursuit

REVIEW By Prier

Summary

         "Hot Pursuit" is a light-hearted biographical narrative that captures a humorous encounter between a woman, her son, and a group of wild turkeys outside a library.

Suggestions for Refining the Text

1. Grammar and Punctuation: Correct grammatical errors, such as "thier" to "their" and "flys" to "flies." Ensure proper punctuation, especially with dialogue.

2. Clarity and Flow: Some sentences could be restructured for better clarity and flow. For example, the transition between the lady's encounter and the son's experience could be smoother.

3. Character Development: Provide more background or context about the narrator and her son to enhance reader connection.

4. Descriptive Language: Use more vivid descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the setting and characters' emotions.

Alternatives for Sentence Structure, Word Choice, and Phrasing

- Instead of "A lady comes out of the library doors," consider "A woman emerges from the library, her arms laden with books."

- Replace "The turkey merely prances around" with "The turkey struts confidently, unfazed by the commotion."

- Change "He seems to read my mind" to "It feels as if he can sense my panic."

Constructive Criticism

         The narrative is engaging and humorous, effectively capturing a whimsical moment. However, it could benefit from more polished grammar and punctuation, as well as enhanced character development. The transitions between scenes could be smoother, and the use of descriptive language could elevate the storytelling. Additionally, the dialogue could be formatted more clearly to improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Refining the Text:

- Revise grammatical errors and punctuation throughout the text.

- Enhance transitions between different parts of the story for better flow.

2. Alternatives for Sentence Structure:

- "Suddenly, she darts forward, and sprints, like she was on fire," could be rephrased to "In a sudden burst of energy, she sprints forward as if fleeing from flames."

- "I think, Run, son, run!" could be restructured to "I silently urge him, 'Run, son, run!'"

3. Word Choice and Phrasing:

- Instead of "screaming and zigzagging all the way," consider "screaming and weaving frantically."

- Change "Nothing prepared me for something like this" to "I was utterly unprepared for such a hilarious spectacle."

Overall Quality

         The overall quality of "Hot Pursuit" is commendable, showcasing a humorous and relatable encounter with wildlife. The narrative effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, making it enjoyable for readers. However, it suffers from grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and a lack of character depth that could enhance the storytelling experience. With careful editing and refinement, this piece has the potential to be a delightful and engaging read. {/size:}


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24
24
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
On The Fast Track - Stalking ‘Gators’
REVIEW


Summary:
         This short story recounts two experiences of a Scoutmaster with his Boy Scout troop. The first involves tracking a seemingly three-legged raccoon, which turns out to be a normal raccoon carrying stolen food. The second incident occurs during a canoe trip, where the scouts misinterpret canoe and human tracks as those of a large alligator, leading to a humorous misunderstanding when some parents jokingly claim to be fishing for alligators.

Constructive critique:
         The story effectively captures the spirit of adventure and learning in scouting activities. It also demonstrates how imagination can sometimes overtake observation, providing valuable lessons for young readers. However, the narrative could benefit from more character development and dialogue to enhance reader engagement.

Suggestions for improvement:
1. Consider adding more dialogue between the scouts to bring their personalities to life.

2. Develop a stronger narrative arc by introducing a central conflict or challenge for the protagonist to overcome.

3. Incorporate more sensory details to immerse readers in the outdoor settings.

4. Tighten the pacing in some sections to maintain reader interest throughout.

5. Consider adding a reflective conclusion that ties the two experiences together and emphasizes the lessons learned.

Alternatives for sentence structure and word choice:
1. Instead of "Several secrets to being a good scoutmaster is to..." consider "To be an effective scoutmaster, one must..."

2. Replace "Oddly each set of tracks included only three prints" with "Curiously, we observed only three prints in each set of tracks."

3. Instead of "The mystery was solved when..." try "The truth revealed itself when..."

Overall quality:
         The story has a charming premise and effectively conveys the educational aspects of scouting. It successfully blends humor with valuable lessons about observation and critical thinking. However, it could benefit from more character development and a stronger narrative structure to fully engage young adult readers. With some refinement, this story has the potential to be an entertaining and instructive piece for its target audience. Good Work.
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25
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Chapel of the Morning Star

REVIEW



Summary:

         This short story follows Lou, a soul in a purgatory-like afterlife, as he falls in love with Susan, a newly arrived soul. Lou tries to protect Susan from the "angelics" that come to take souls away, believing them to be dangerous. As their relationship develops, Lou sacrifices himself to save Susan, only to discover the angelics were actually benevolent. Lou then struggles to convince Susan of the truth and help her move on, caught between waiting for her at Heaven's gate and returning to her when she calls. The story explores themes of faith, redemption, and the nature of the afterlife.

Constructive Criticism and Suggestions:

1. Character Development:
•Deepen Lou's backstory and motivations. While we get hints of his past as an agent, more details could enhance his character.
•Develop Susan's character further. Her motivations and background could be explored more to make her decisions more impactful.

2. Pacing:
•The middle section where Lou waits at the gate could be condensed to maintain momentum.
•Consider adding more tension or conflict during the waiting periods to keep readers engaged.

3. World-building:
•The afterlife setting is intriguing, but some aspects could be clarified or expanded upon.
•Provide more details about the rules and nature of this world to help readers better understand the stakes.

4. Dialogue:
•Some dialogue feels expository. Try to make conversations more natural while still conveying necessary information.
•Use dialogue to further reveal character traits and emotions.

5. Theme Development:
•The themes of faith, redemption, and love are strong, but could be explored more deeply throughout the story.
•Consider delving more into the philosophical implications of the afterlife presented.

6. Ending:
•The ending feels somewhat abrupt. Consider expanding it to provide more closure or a stronger emotional impact.

7. Point of View:
•The story is mostly from Lou's perspective, but occasionally shifts. Maintain a consistent POV or make transitions clearer.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Develop a stronger opening hook to immediately grab the reader's attention.
2. Add more sensory details to make the afterlife setting more vivid and immersive.
3. Explore the supporting characters (like Morgen and Karlen) in more depth to add complexity to the story.
4. Consider adding more conflict or obstacles for Lou to overcome in his quest to help Susan.
5. Tighten the pacing in the middle section to maintain reader engagement.
6. Expand on the philosophical and emotional implications of the afterlife presented.
7. Revise dialogue to make it more natural and character-revealing.
8. Strengthen the ending to provide a more satisfying conclusion to Lou and Susan's journey.

Overall Quality:

         The story presents an intriguing concept with compelling characters and themes. It successfully blends elements of romance and the paranormal within a unique afterlife setting. The central relationship between Lou and Susan is emotionally engaging, and the exploration of faith and redemption adds depth to the narrative. While there are areas for improvement in pacing, character development, and world-building, the story shows promise and has a strong foundation for further refinement.

Keep Writing

Prier
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