Review for New World Order
A story of conspiracy and betrayal. It’s okay, I guess, but it didn’t stir anything inside me, this is all thanks to a minefield of mistakes. I have ventured to highlight a few of them, but I’ve left out a lot more. The formatting is too squashed together, and you really need to paragraph it so that people can see the speech and descriptions alone. This work needs serious correcting, and I suggest you don’t put it off. Since I’m confident that they’ll be a significant improvement if only you can fix it to a status of readability
Use a find function to spot the strings of words I have presented, otherwise you’ll have trouble going through it manually. I recommend you look over the mistakes highlighted:
1. " New World Order ", thought Aaron, " I wonder if it's actually true, of course not he thought in these democratic times it would take every single member of the government and more to pull off what these people are saying, " Aaron, come down your dinner's getting cold and your father will be home soon ," shouted his mother, " Just a minute " said Aaron.
[This whole first paragraph is confusing. I don’t know where the thoughts and where they end.
2. Aaron woke up to the annoying tune of his alarm clock
[Didn’t he just answer his mother’s summons? Did he fall asleep again after the first paragraph?]
3. he suddenly realized, " Oh dam I forgot to do my essay for social studies, Mr.English is gonna kill me,"
[DAMN instead of DAM. And this sentence should end with a Full-Stop.]
4. he quickly rinsed and put his clothes on, he ran down the stairs and heard his dad talking he slowed down and just realized he forgot to congratulate his dad for receiving an award for bravery during a flight to L.A when suddenly both engines failed and Aron's dad landed the plane safely.
[First, the sentence should start with a capital letter (He quickly rinsed…) ]
[Secondly, You spelt ARON instead of AARON]
[Thirdly, You need to break this sentence down into three or four sentences. It doesn’t read right as it is. Too many ‘ands’]
5. ” Aaron Ford is en exceptional student,
[AN exceptional student…]
6. he has once again showed to Springlake that no matter where your from you can still succeed,"
[Firstly, it should be SHOWN to Springlake. If you used SHOWED then it would’ve been SHOWED SPRINGLAKE. But a word between the two makes it SHOWN.]
[Secondly, it should be: where YOU’RE from.]
7. well lets just say he was in a league of his own. [LET’S]
8. the remainder of the week, he quickly rushed down the corridor…
[You should put a Full-Stop instead of a Comma.]
9. The substitute was untypical as far as teacher's looked like, he had long black scruffy hair, and some nasty scars here and there they looked recent.
[Firstly replace Teacher’s with TEACHERS]
[Secondly, before ‘they looked recent’ put a Full-Stop. So that it reads: … and some nasty scars here and there. They looked recent.]
10. The substitute introduced himself and told the class he would prefer to be called by his first name: Desmond, it immediately became clear he was foreign, Irish thought Aaron.
[Consider actually showing Desmond introducing himself. It wouldn’t take too many lines, and would put the reader more into the story. Many people will badger you about Showing, not Telling.]
11. Desmond was off guard, and did a forced one second laugh then held his head in disbelief
[You should reword this. It takes a few re-reads to understand what you mean. Maybe write: HE LAUGHED FOR A SECOND. Or something like: HE GAVE OFF A SHORT BURST OF LAUGHTER]
12. Desmond was no ordinary teacher either, he was quick and was in much worse situations than this as far as he was concerned
[JUST A COMMENT: If only I had known what this statement truly meant. It’s a nice way to bring the reader into a false sense of security. Good work.]
13. Aaron replied there's five people out today, huh? ,"
[Put an Open Quotation mark before REPLIED. (To make it: Aaron replied, “There’s five people out today, huh?”) You should also remove the Comma after the Question mark.]
14. Aaron looked down and suddenly this felt all to familiar [all TOO familiar]
15. Desmond looked concerned " Is there something wrong," he asked.
[PUT A QUESTION MARK instead of Comma at the end of the sentence.]
16. Aaron got a bad feeling about this conversation he felt scared
[Put a Comma or Full-Stop AFTER CONVERSATION
17. Aaron was never more afraid in his life this was all to strange for his liking, he thought to himself curiosity killed the cat after all that's why he stayed back after class
[Put a COLON (:) AFTER HIMSELF.]
[Also, the sentence doesn’t read well. Reword it.]
18. Desmond was holding his head he hit himself
[What does ‘holding his head he hit himself’ mean? Change the sentence so that it is more understandable.]
19. J.F.K he was murdered by us, major events all around the earth are either a direct order from central, or someone else...
[JUST A HEAD’S UP: this topic has dozens of conspiracy theories swirling around it… You’re competing with a fearful lot of them, by doing this.]
20. he went over to him and sat down on his knee's
[He squatted. Full stop. You can only GO DOWN ON YOU'RE KNEES or KNEEL ON THEM. You can never, ever sit down on your knees.]
SUMMARY OF REVIEW:
PROS
-Fairly simple idea, easy story to work with. Could easily become significantly improved.
- Obvious knowledge of language (Hence I present my corrections in full confidence that you know what I mean.)
CONS
-Poor punctuation.
a)Makes mistakes with Quotation Marks by omitting or misplacing them.
b) Mistakes with Commas. Ends dialogue with them when not appropriate, and uses them in place of Full-Stops.
-Writes in continuous sentences that become stretched and therefore hard to understand. Mostly does this by overusing Commas and the word ‘and’
- Formatting (no paragraphs) makes it hard to understand the story at all.
-Shows evidence of slightly rushed work. (If you just deliberate on sentences more, read them aloud to yourself and make more than one draft, things will turn out okay.)
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