I see that you have a good story taking shape. I encourage you to continue writing.
However, I'd like to make a suggestion.
Given, it seems you are telling the story from multiple points of view, it will get very confusing for the reader as you go. To solve this, I suggest trying to start again, using a third person narrative, as opposed to having to identify who's point of view each chapter is in, that way, you can know all and tell all as the narrator.
Also, I suggest really looking at your grammar. Poor grammar and sentence construction is a distraction to the reader and takes away from the flow of your story.
Learn to enjoy the editing process, it's what makes a good story great! I've given you a few points as encouragement to write on.
I think you have a good concept, but maybe some holes in the plot. If mother nature came to Marcle in a dream, and mother nature controls natural disasters, then why can't mother nature stop them herself. Is there some other force that is controlling the elements of alchemy,, causing the disasters?
Also, I hate to be too critical, but you may want to engage a teenager for advice on the dialogue. It didn't sound very nineteenish to me - if you are writing for YA, you need to be very conscientious of the voice you use, and the tone of dialogue.
In addition, I think you could loose the prologue and tie in all the necessary details into chapter one, you have done that anyway in his recollections of the dream. Perhaps, you could grab the reader with hook - Marcle waking up in a sweat - recounting the dream that's been causing him sleepless nights for a week.
Good luck - the hardest part of writing is the editing and re editing. In my first round of edits on my first novel - I went from 120K words to 80K that's how much you can look to reduce and tighten every line and paragraph into what is absolutely necessary. To the parts that grab the reader and move them forward.
Awesome! Great opening chapter, and having read it, I would recommend there is no need for your prologue. You create great intrigue and leave me wanting the next part. I like to think the hot boy - is Nikalaus
I really, like how you have the police officer ask her, to whom she was speaking. Nice concise way to bring about the fact she was talking to someone others couldn't see. I also like how no one else seemed to notice the boy in the dark suit, except Minky.
I did see a few grammar errors, or perhaps more just personal preference on phrasing such as;
My mother always called me Minky. A nickname she used in an effort to shape me into some kind of trendy party girl. In actuality, I wasn’t at all stylish, cutting edge, or even remotely interesting.
It’s no wonder though, considering I had never witnessed such an existence ( I would remove this sentence.)
I was often described by my high school peers as a deep-seeded loner to the core. My father would try to comfort me by saying I had ‘flare’. I assumed that was parent talk for my sometimes tumultuous temper.
These are just a few personal suggestions. The art of editing is a craft in itself. That said, I believe you have a very promising future as a writer - good luck and write on...
Your preface has me intrigued. I like Minky a lot - willing to give her life to save her Aunt Maggie. Your prose are well constructed and you give good character development. However, I'd like a little more about Nicolaus and how they met in the prologue, to set the tone for who he is, as I assume he is a major character in your story and part of the plot.
Great job - looking forward to chapter 1.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cpottle
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:30pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
