A really interesting story. Faith scares me and Mommy to death. Winter also is scarey. You are a terrific writer. Now that you have the story complete why don't you try changing your point of view a little bit. Then you can write it again.
You really made a plan with God about where you were going to be born. Family mmight not be gone forever even if you blow it you know. Gone forever seems rather inevitable to me. You might try a word like regrets but that is not a very happy poem. I liked it and I encourage you to write another.
This sounds the the start of something good. I wuld like to hear more about these boys. How did they get the excellent ability to transform into cats? Overall, the story narration is good. One thing follows logically after another. This is a first person story, so your use of "my" in the first paragraph is incorrect. A first person narrator would not refer to his own tail as swishing through the grass. He would say, "I felt my tail in the grass." You don't need the brackets. Commas will do. I liked the part about the tail, but I was a bit disappointed when it disappeared. It might have been fun to take him to school with a tail. Try to explain that to your mother.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is a wonderful story. I had a few problems with it. First, I personally don't think the short sentence paragraph is any more effective than including it as a topic sentence for your descriptive paragraphs. Secondly, you use many sentence fragments. Every sentence must have a verb. The fragments you are using should be separated by commas, not periods. Third, although the sense impressions of your character are logical and well described, your narrative is not. I was very much confused by all the children, and I was especially confused by the austistic child at the end of the story. I think you must be clear about which children you are describing. And I don't understand where the man came from at the end of the story. Was he there all along? If so, then she was really watching him, and then she was remembering, right? Anyway, this is great. It needs another rewrite. Try using a short outline to help you get one foot in front of another.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
What a wonderful story. I especially liked it because it was such a personal story. I liked the way you used the possessive in the narration. It made the story much more personal. I found her pensiveness to be a bit unrealistic. Was she really that disappointed? Shouldn't it have been the father who was disappointed? Your use of situational dialogue is good and carried the story forward, and the organization is good throughout. I encourage you to keep on writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
But where did the leg come from, and why was it standing against a tree in the backyard? You are writing very well. If you got rid of the first paragraph we would be led into the story and then you would not be giving the ending away. You have some problems with your sentences but I don't think I can help you with that. Just try not to make them too complicated. Stick with simple loose sentences and try to make them even, without too many strange commas, until you get the hang of it. It's not difficult. It just takes practise. Your choice of the first person viewpoint was excellent, and your character has a voice of her own as well. I encourage you to keep on writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I really enjoyed your story. It just isn't developed well enough. I need more. How can you describe her delema so that the reader is relieved when he walks through the doorway? I would like to see some more description. You can use description to describe emotion in the same way as you can use exposition. I would like to see the loneliness of the room, the letter held to her bosum, the children laughing in the snow. I think you have the talent. Why don't you give it a shot.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is a good narrative. It builds to a confident explaination of this character's relationship. You have some problem with paragraphing in the beginning. Paragraph 2, 3, and 4 are one paragraph, and the next paragraph begins with the new quote in paragraph 4.
I would like a description of Jeffrey and his friend. I would like to see what they look like, and some of the interaction between them.
I don't think you have given us enough detail to warrant your resolution. Jeffrey was only 4 years old. Surely Steven cannot have had that much an influence on him at such a young age.
All in all, a great effort. Keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I think you are a terrific writer. Your character is expressing herself well and the bedroom scene is slow and tasteful. I think the opening could use some work. I don't really understand the relationship of the main character to his deafness. I also think she is a little hot to trot. If you are going to go to all the trouble of describing a romantic encounter, then I think he should be romantic, and your story should take some time to build up a relationship. I must say I do not understand the conclusion. Who were these brothers. Are they black men or monks? And what are they doing in the hotel room? Stealing pictures? You will have to forgive me. I'm not a city girl, and I find it unbelievable that two strange men would be taking pictures of a couples bedroom scene. Unless you mean that the whole thing was a porn show. In which case I think your limited point of view is wrong, and you should use an objective view point. We wouldn't know what was going on in a character's mind if the story was about pornography. Anyway, great story. Thanks for the read.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is terrific. I never knew how to make snow ice-cream the old fashioned way. We always made it with coolaid. Thanks for the recipe. You fall into the passive voice in the second paragraph. The second sentence has the word "by" in it. You can usually tell when you are falling into the passive voice when you start using the word "by". Other than that, great. I encourage you to keep on writing.
This is a terrific story, but you have told us the whole thing. The reader has no work to do. I think the story would be better if you chose a limited point of view. Only tell us the story as she has witnesses it. Don't tell us the story from Matt's point of view at all. You culd also tell us some of what she herself observes about Kyle. What were her first impressions of him when she met him. How does her view change over time. I think the ending is great and I am glad she found a good thing. I encourage you to keep writing at it.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This seems to be a good story, but without reading it again, I am not certain I understand it. I think the use of a dream rather trivializes what was originally a good story. I was very interested in what was happening to this family and I was disappointed to see it was only a dream. I do not understand how this person Samual all of a sudden became an adult. Your story has changed from a story about a family to a story about another family with an adult son named Samuel. I don't get it. I think the beginning needs some development. What is Samual's relationship with Janet, and what is his relationship to the children. Why was he looking after the children, and why wasn't Janet living with him. In short, I think you have to work out the kinks. Once you do so, I would like to read it again.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is terrific and works its way to a strong climax. I am a little bit bored, though. I was sort of expecting the end. There are some spelling mystakes but the style is terrific. You might try telling the story while he's hurtling towards the wall. Tell us what caused him to think of suicide and some of the other times that he has tried to kill himself before. You are expressing yourself very well. I encourage you to keep trying, and build some depth into your story. Thanks for the read.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is a terrific piece of prose. As a story, it lacks a narrative line and climax. I do not understand who you are talking about in the second paragraph. Is it the place to whom you are refering? I have never seen the Mayan ruins, so it might be nice if you gave me some description. I must say, I do not share your enthusiasm. Although, I love history, I cannot say that I personally have any admiration for that particular part of the world. You will have to convince me. Thanks for taking me there.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is an emotional piece. He certainly is a wise little boy isn't he? So wise he is almost magical. You use some gimmics to elicite sympathy. The little brown jacket. The fact that the boy is an orphan. These things, again, make the story magical rather than realistic. Why don't you try rewriting the story from the pastor's point of view. A little maturity might tone down the magic a bit. I encourage you to keep writing.
{image:998785)
{b}My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .{/b}
What a lovely little story. BabyCat is a lovely character, and I liked the end of the story very much. You could try to give us a bit of an objective point of view before you introduce new things, new characters, new scenes. This will lead us into the story. You did it well in chapter one but then you missed it in the introduction to the party scene. Another rewrite would probably improve the story considerably. You have much talent and it looks like you are having fun. Keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This poem is emotion packed. It made me want to cry. I think I feel the sadness of this person. It has some minor problems. Your first introduction of the box was not necessary and certainly does not belong in the same stanza as the rest. I found the reference to the green eyes humourous but not very likely and so I don't believe in the poem like I should. I also cannot find in the poem a reference for the passage about forgiveness. I will assume that she killed herself and you can take it from there. You have much talent. I enjoyed this poem immensely.
{image:998785)
{b}My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .{/b}
I really liked your song. I guess the part I don't understand is your audience. Who is you? Who is they? I think when you are writing lyrics to a song you have to take the audience into account. I would suggest, in most cases, that you want the audience to sing along with your song so that they can become involved with the piece. Otherwise, there is no point in doing it. Unless its a dirge or a lament. Although I couldn't get involved with this lyric, I did think it had some good lyrical qualities. Keep up the good work.
Leroy is very beautiful. I don't suppose you could send him to British Columbia. Your writing is very clear. You seem to have some trouble with verbs. Words like had and would. Try to keep them consistent. In the same tense and consistent throughout the piece. Switch them only when you want to go from the present to the past and back into the present. I hope this helps.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.16 seconds at 11:19pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
