I, PurpleHaze do hereby swear that the following review is provided in good faith and is entirely my personal opinion. I endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial at all times. My opinions are meant only for constructive advice and in no way, are they meant to be discouraging or overly critical.
I am reviewing your entry Stitches for the UR Shorts Have Legs contest, round Five.
The title:
I like the title. I especially like the way you use the colored stitching after the title itself and in-between each section or chapter.
Brief description:
A white t-shirt changes hands throughout several characters.
The characters:
I could really identify with Leah Gregory and the hardships she's endured through her young life. I like the colloquialisms she uses, including "me and Ray"; perfectly capturing the way kids talk. Bob Witherspoon and his wife Roz seem like a couple of easy-going folks, who've suffered through their own hardships, but also enjoyed some wonderful times together. As for Genevieve Kennedy, her description is quite clear, although unclear are better descriptions of her father and mother. I loved the names Caren and Espen though.
Kudos and Applause:
I especially loved the passage Delicate blue trumpets of embroidered morning glories entwined their way up the sides of a weathered playhouse. The playhouse was stitched in varying shades of brown with flecks of black and moss green. The surrounding grounds were created with meticulous two millimeter needling, layered in alternating brick-like patterns. She turned over the pillow and found some tiny words sewn with thin, light pink thread almost hidden in the folds by the ruffled fringe. This captured the essence of the stitching, which is, after all, what the story is about. I also enjoyed how the t-shirt itself remained a t-shirt, despite it looking like different things each time someone owned it.
I was mostly disappointed that Raymond didn't have the guts to tell Leah that his family wasn't long for the neighborhood. Granted, he could've been a shy kid, but instead of saying that they'd continue digging the hole the following day, he might have mentioned it somewhere in there. Not a technical point, but merely an observation on my part.
Technical, Grammar and Spelling:
In the U.S. the word "grey" has been changed to "gray", but that's only a colloquialism and not a critique.
However, when describing the grey haired man in the opening paragraph, I believe you would be better served if you inserted a hyphen, making it "grey-haired man".
Also a place for a much-needed hyphen is where you describe how "Twice a week, they'd make the two hour drive..." - My spellchecker insisted the word "drive" should have been "drives", but if you merely amended the previous words to "two-hour" the spellchecker thought "drive" was fine in the singular form.
Also near the beginning, the following sentence should be amended one of two ways. The sentence as it currently reads is: Not rail thin nor heavy, she didn't fit into the social cabinet in which most kids her age were filed.
Either change the first word "Not" to "Neither" or change the word "nor" to "or".
Where Leah is saying goodnight to her friend Ray, there's an additional apostrophe after the first set of quotes and before the G'night.
Naugahyde is the correct spelling - not Naugahide.
In terms of Roz's forgetfulness: At first it was her car keys, then it was the names of pets, friends and family. I would suggest removing the comma after "keys" and replacing it with the word "and".
Dearborn, Michigan should have another comma inserted after "Michigan".
Lastly, two quotes by two different people should have been separated into 2 sentences, rather than being run-on sentences.
“I know you were doing more, just look at the dirt stains on your knees, you’re so loose, you HAVE no morals!”
I would suggest that after "knees" the sentence ends and you start a new sentence with "You're so loose..."
Caren’s father was nearest to the aisle so he volunteered, “You guys stay here and dry her off, I’ll go fetch the gown!”
I would suggest that after "dry her off" the sentence ends and you start a new sentence with "I'll go fetch..."
{c:light blue}Closing remarks:
I especially loved the endearment of "Shorty" used both near the beginning and at the end. I can feel Leah's pain quite exquisitely, as well as Roz's. The story was very endearing and an all-around pleasant read.
Rating parameters
Storyline: 5 / 5
Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5 / 5
Emotional connect: 4.5 / 5
Ending: 5 / 5
Final rating: 4.5 / 5{/center)
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission. Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
PurpleHaze |