Very nicely done. I enjoyed your story about the surprise meeting of a future husband. It was charming, and I thought it was even a little inspiring. Certainly hopeful.
I noticed some typos and I believe you wanted to use "discomposure", not "decomposition" (I don't think you died and began to rot, right? ) sorry. Heh.
The imagery is good and the harshness of the phrasing works well for the subject of war. A very heartfelt piece, I believe. Thank you for sharing your writing.
It's an interesting question. I think you may need another choice, perhaps flesh AND spirit. I chose God in spirit, but I think Jesus was both God in spirit as well as in the flesh. He was the Son of God as described, yet they are one and the same, certainly a conundrum. Better for me to leave it to scholars to argue about it.
I like this story, but for me, the first paragraph doesn't really seem to fit. It leaves me wondering what the relevance of it actually is.
The second paragraph is more powerful and grabs attention more for me, I think starting with it and ending with the first paragraph makes a more chilling statement. This thing is back and it has prey moving into its neighborhood; a happy day for it. Pointing toward what will be the next step in the awakening creature's story.
Quite a bad critter you've got there. I don't want to meet one. Ever.
Very nice. Poetry forms can be quite tricky, but it looks to me like you've done this monchielle very well. I like the imagery you use comparing dreams to a movie screen. It's a very optimistic outlook. I enjoyed it very much. Write on!
Well-written. A man with psychic abilities is harnessed and used as a tool to read murder victims' last thoughts to track their killers. It seems to be a part of a longer work that may as yet be unfinished
Plot
A man has abilities to read memories of the dead and is a slave? to a government agency using his abilities to solve murders. He thrills in the experiences, but fleetingly as they are taken away.
Characters
This piece leaves more questions than answers, but makes me want to know the answers. The main character is well-defined, but his history and complete situation are unknown.
What I liked
The main character's humanity, he has feelings and desires, but he is denied the chance to feel anything, so is unsure of who he really is beyond a tool.
What Needs Improvement
What is here is well-done. It gives the feel of being part of a larger piece.
Grammar/Spelling/Comments
It looks as though there is a larger story beyond this scene. Perhaps having to do with some type of future (or otherworldly) theocracy. I think it is interesting.
Eew! Chihuahua spatter. The just end of a very old and contrary dog. I enjoyed your story, and it made me hope that all would eventually be forgiven. (especially considering the personality of the dog in question )
What I liked
Love: 'the little rat demon', and wondering whether the rest of the family's attitude is a result of wanting to finish him off themselves. Tragic and funny at the same time.
What Needs Improvement
The only thing I noticed was there could be a little more conservation of wordiness. There are extra words here and here that just seem to slow the pace unnecessarily, like taken my eyes off of him long "of"
Story about a girl meeting her guardian angel. I enjoyed it very much.
What I liked
The descriptions were very good. The idea of the guardian angel appearing to cheer her up is interesting and unique.
What Needs Improvement (Only suggestions)
I think it would be better if you actually wrote out the conversation with the angel instead of telling us they had a conversation. Dialog can be a very powerful tool. There are several good articles on dialog here on WDC.
I also think a little more information about the main character: name, description, why she is sad, and more insight into why the angel shows himself (usually that would require something special) would make the story have more impact.
Grammar/Spelling/Comments
Your use of dialog needs some work. For the most part, your grammar and spelling were good.
Very nice story. It depicts the wistfulness of the man's desire to have a child of his own as well as the wife's bitterness about her previous miscarriage. The wife seems more interested in outward physical health than her or her husband's emotional concerns as she pointedly is ignoring his interaction with the child.
A story about two very different sets of people and what happened to them on one particular day. The contrasts between the poor and the wealthy,
What I liked
That the poor children still had somthing to make them smile. The contrast between the children and the man in the car and the woman whose boyfriend broke up is so sharp, yet they all have feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, and joy.
What Needs Improvement
Very nice story. It may be easier to read if the paragraphs were double spaced in between. I think more dialogue in place of narration might be good for the story as well.
Grammar/Spelling/Comments
After comforting her sister, Rafi decided -- his sister
An explanation and synopsis of bipolar disorder, possible causes, relevant characteristics of the disease, and available treatment options along with warnings regarding some. This is one of the most informative articles I have read on the subject. (And believe me, I've read a lot of them.)
What I liked
I found this to be very thorough in describing the major issues of bipolar sufferers and reasonable direction is given to point a sufferer in a hopefully helpful direction. The section on famous people was interesting as well. I actually learned something.
What Needs Improvement
As far as the subject matter, I think this is very good. Technically, it needs some work, specifically, some overlong sentences, places with extra spacing that is distracting, and some other small errors.
Grammar/Spelling/Comments
and finally, examine into it’s supposed link with artistic creativity. -- doesn't need 'into'
and loose or gain a significant amount of weight -- 'lose'
steroid cortisone or other antidepressants -- take out 'other' I don't think steroids are antidepressants, too.
Tracking down these genes -- is the befinning of a very long convoluted sentence, consider revising for conciseness.
individual is quite likely to loose the awareness-- lose
musical tools, moving back and fourth -- 'forth'
Cobains’ -- Cobain's
While it is true that this was possibly due to his drug abuse that brought about his untimely passing, -- Huh? Consider revising, I had to read a few times before I got the intended meaning.
An edge-dweller recounts his/her daily thoughts on the advisability of calling "Shotgun" on a bus. An interesting rant of the deranged.
What I liked
Being a self-described flake, nice. The idea of calling "Shotgun" on the bus is actually pretty interesting. Unless of course, someone already on the bus has one...
The ending is odd, but seems to fit with the piece.
What Needs Improvement
Punctuation needs work. You may want to consider putting the internal dialog/thoughts in italics or single quotes.
Grammar/Spelling/Comments
My first thought, as the bus approaches is , -- no space after comma
shotgunnie,-- while a cool-looking word, I think shoud be shotgunner, as the shotgunnie would be the one being shotgunned??
hydrolic -- hydraulic
"How much?",I ask., "Two --- "How much?" I ask. "Two -- no commas needed
"SHOTGUN!",? -- no comma here
Ipods, laptops and cell phones have been invented to help ignore the likes of me. -- iPods, 'have been' may be better as 'were'
This is a beautiful poem! A declaration of enduring love through good times and times that strain a relationship.
What I liked
This poem would be right at home inside a greeting card or as part of a couple's wedding vows. The last stanza almost brough tears to my eyes. Very nicely done. I could feel the love being expressed so eloquently.
A mother's (or caregiver's) take on a teenage girl's rebellious, dangerous, self-destructive behavior. This describes the struggle to understand it and define it, as well as the frustration at not being able to do anything to help.
What I liked
The 6th paragraph is done well. It clearly states the crux of the matter in one fell swoop. It expresses the narrator's feelings of frustration well. The compassion and frustration come through very well.
What needs Improvement
I think there's a lot of cultural discussion that isn't really necessary, it draws attention away from the personal nature of the piece.
The narration shifts voice from first, to second to third person and back somewhat haphazardly.
An edit for conciseness of language would improve readability.
Spelling/Grammar/Comments
The first paragraph has a lot of statements starting with 'She'.
I don't always like the way she acted but, I always loved her. -- present and past tense verbs mixed up here. maybe acts and will always love
The 2nd paragraph has a spacing thing going on.
Many places I found a lack of agreement in subject and verb (i.e. there is the usual bizarre ways -- are; Their clothes, music and culture is so different -- are)
demonic presence she cuts at herself -- Is she cutting herself physically or verbally? It is unclear. "cuts herself'(physical), 'cuts herself down' (or use another word if verbal)
I found this essay to be sweet, endearing, and best of all, hopeful. Waiting on the drizzly, night-shrouded beach to see a nest of sea turtle hatchlings off to the waiting sea.
What I liked
I enjoyed the descriptions of the sounds of the sea and the scratching of the turtles as well as all of the landscape/environment passages. I felt like I was there on hte beach as well. I love that the writer talks to the tiny charges temporarily in protective custody, telling them of the sea and danger.
What needs Improvement
I enjoyed the story as is. Maybe a little background as to what the writer's occupations is that brings her/him out on the beach at night like this. I don't know that it's necessary, but it left questions for me, (but maybe I'm just strange like that.)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review is being counted toward the "Black Case Domination" review raid for the weekend of 8/11-8/12/07
Overall Impression
A sad soliliquy on the state of aloneness. The 'inmate' (perhaps only metaphorically) is free to leave his/her place, but chooses to not be exposed to the persons outside.
What I liked
The essence of this poem speaks to the reader of a soul who is content to be where he/she is, because it if safer to not be available to be hurt, alone but for the occasional presence darkening the door.
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review is being counted toward the "Black Case Domination" review raid for the weekend of 8/11-8/12/07
Overall Impression
A cute little story about the plight of a fairy family.
What I liked
The fairy family was so shy they were afraid to say anthing and didn't want to take the gifts left for them because they thought it would be stealing.
What needs Improvement
It seems to change from an outside narrative, to a point of view of a member of the family. The narrative switches from they to our in the second paragraph.
Spelling/Grammar/Comments
There are several places where spellings and grammar need some work. A couple examples:
Para. 1 'than' should be then
Para. 5 'families' should be family's
Nothing a thorough proofread won't fix.
I like this, it's a very interesting story. It seems like it's part or a chapter of a larger story. It definitely kept my attention with suspense of what was going to happen. It's also nicely current with it's suggestions for causative agents in global warming. I think the beast, and the ramifications hinted at, are pretty interesting, too. Perhaps there's more to the story and to this creature as well? There were parts that confused me a little, though.
I noticed a few possessive cases that needed apostrophes. Otherwise nothing glaring.
Good story. The inanimate speaks! I like that she's relieved it's a side effect, then finds out that she hasn't even been taking the meds. They all seem to be nice little audio hallucinations. The fish are a hoot.
This is a poignant piece, and it has potential. The imagery is good and the scenes are well written as far as what is happening and the words you use to describe the actions and feelings.
However, it needs a lot of work in spelling and grammar. there instead of their, too instead of to, your instead of you're, many others as well. This is distracting and takes away a lot that your piece would otherwise have to offer the reader.
There are many excellent writing resources on WDC and the web that you might like to look at for some guidance. Just do a search on grammar, or spelling, whatever you are interested in improving your skills in.
I really like this. A crow as a harbinger of good things instead of its usual association with death and evil. It's smooth and flows nicely when reading it. I like the hyphenated descriptives of the bird, it gives the poem more continuity. A pleasure.
I liked your entry. It started kind of slow and I wasn't sure where it was going, but the ending was great. I'm not sure I get how it follows the dialogue prompt, exactly, but a good conversation nonetheless. The last few lines are the really funny. Good luck!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/conniefs
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:11am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) sorry. Heh.
