I would never have guessed that that's what Kaleb was trying to do. If I were you, I'd have smacked Kaleb and told him not to bully Nana, snatched the toy and returned it to her. I'm so glad that you didn't do anything and so managed to see their reactions to each other =) A really sweet story here!
Cheers!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join the group if you're interested to help more WDC members! =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about this piece: I like the story and its ending (though it'd be a long haul for her to stop being an alcoholic). I like the emotions in the story (the desperate phone call from the sister to the uncle, and her calling him Sir, it meant he was distant from them).
Some issues I've spotted:
1) "She wondered how she had gotten into this mess and would she ever get out." - If this were written in a first person narrative, then how would the protagonist know what the mother's thinking?
2) "Leaving her with a self centered useless brother, heroin addicted soon to be ex-husband and three small children." - I would use some hyphenation here: "self-centered", "heroin-addicted", "soon-to-be"
3) "alcohol ran in our family" - did you mean to say, "alcoholism" instead?
4) "mom’s drunk again" - I would capitalise the m in "mom"
5) “Chasing after Kenny, she cause she can’t find her money." I don't suppose "she" between Kenny and cause is necessary here?
6) "she’ll be sleep soon" - You're missing an "a" in asleep.
7) "watching and praying that mother wouldn’t die" - I would capitalise the m in "mother" also.
Cheers! Write on!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join the group if you're interested to help more WDC members! =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked: "It's the regulars who know"... I think it's particularly powerful, to contrast what she *thinks* she has seen and what the reality is.
What I think could be improved:
1) "She decides to wonder in." - I think you meant "wander"
2) "She softens, feeling this place will be safe." - I think you're missing a "that" between feeling and this
3) "she takes in the bars layout" - "bar's"
4) "“Good” she thinks, less competition for me." - you're missing an open and close inverted commas for the phrase "less...me"
5) "Lucky for her most likely she would have encountered open drug use and homosexual sex." - I think that a "because" is missing between her and most.
In general, I think that more can be done to describe the bar. Also, instead of telling what she thinks, have some monologue somewhere, where she thinks to herself. Or else, it's just telling the reader, and it gets a little mundane after a while =D
Overall, I like the piece and I think this can be polished up enough to be submitted for this month's Tangent Universe Contest =D [No, it's not advertisement and I'm not affiliated to the host. it's just that I thought that you'll stand a good chance of winning something. Just need to polish a little bit, and then you can submit it!]
Cheers!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join the group if you're interested to help more WDC members! =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I thought Charles has funny personality! It's quite amusing to read. The dialogue's wonderful. I love it. It brings out Charles' personality quite well (except for the first part where he stammered).
I found no grammatical or vocabulary errors (it's quite a good, pulled-together story).
One question though, did Charles stand up and end the conversation because he wanted change? Why that abrupt ending to the conversation? I would think that Anna would be the one to end the conversation instead, no? Or am I reading too much into it?
Well, anyways, it was a good read! =D
Cheers!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join the group if you're interested to help more WDC members! =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I received a recent review from you, so decided to come and return the favour =D
What I liked: I can identify with the protagonist. The total lack of trust in the relationship reminds me of my past relationship. You did that paragraph quite well. I liked the ending to that paragraph, "He couldn’t trust me out with only women, I might flirt with a random guy." That was exactly how my ex behaved too! I also liked the ending of this story, "and falling out of love with a total stranger". It's impactful.
What I think can be improved: This is a personal preference. This story seems a little disjointed. I don't feel a sense of coherence in the story, or a natural flow from one paragraph to the other. My guess is that that's how you wanted it to be (like I said, it's a personal preference! =))
You recently reviewed one of my works, so I'm here to return the favour =)
General impressions: When I read this, I went "awwww".It's really a sweet dedication to your workplace. I also like the beginning of every stanza, "it seems yesterday" and the second line of every stanza, "And today", because that adds to the rhythm of the poem.
What I think can be improved:
1) I didn't really understand this sentence: "And today it's confidence that makes us process 200-350 number is endless." Is there a comma missing somewhere?
2) "It seems yesterday when we use we to work..n work." - Did you mean "when we used to work and work"?
3) "It seems yesterday when I joined here and was afraid who all I'll meet," - "will" is meant for the future tense. So, I guess you meant to say, "was afraid of all I would meet"?
I hope you let your colleagues read this poem! It truly is a sweet one, and makes me wish I were working at your office too!
You recently reviewed one of my pieces, so I'm here to return the favour! =)
General Impressions: I liked the storyline, and how the grandmother needs the money to bring her grandchildren to disney world. The theme about preying on old people is great too.
What I think can be improved: The ending was good, but I thought that the ending required a little bit more emotions. The ending sentences seemed a little too mild for someone in her situation. I would have thought that she would be terribly distressed and ashamed of her naivete. Also, she'd have been devastated at the loss of the chance of going to disney with her grandchildren. I thought that that would have to come up quite strongly.
You recently reviewed one of my works. I'm here to return the favour. This story caught my eye, so I decided to read on.
What I liked: Beautifully gripping. The story at first was a little slow, but as the events unfolded, the pace grew faster and I became enthralled by your descriptions of Niloo's abuse. In particular, I loved the part where Shahid lost his temper and started attacking his wife. Realistically done.
What I think can be improved: I didn't manage to spot any technical errors, so that's okay. Just a little suggestion about the plot. I'm curious as to how Niloo got to the hospital. Who sent her there? It'd be nice to know that bit of information. Also, I would suspect that Shahid would blame himself too, for not taking action earlier, such as removing his daughter from the house. That'd add a fuller emotion to the story.
An honestly sad poem, when I read it. "I promised I wouldn't". I feel so pained at the thought of the girl (I presume it must be a girl) who cannot talk about her illicit happenings. You did really well in the second stanza. I love how you wrote "grey sins" every other line. It emphasizes her obsession with the sin.
Why grey, though? Why not black, if she feels that it's something so bad?
You never fail to touch my hearts with your heart-warming stories.
"Reporters were at the airport when we left. This was our first time on a plane." --> was this supposed to be in Winnie's journal? Maybe you could make it more obvious by adding a date or something to it. I got a tiny bit confused when I read it.
One last point... At some point in my life many many years ago, I thought about snakes biting me when I was in the toilet, and me dying with my panties down. Just like what Winnie worried about. =D It definitely scared me more than dying itself. =)
I find this to have a good, enigmatic introduction so I continued reading. Currently, it's still at when Mike lost Matt, so I'm looking forward to reading about the person who kidnapped Matt.
A few points to make here:
1) "made peace with with what" - double "with"s
2) "because that is when he first struck." - "was" instead of "is".
3) "his mothers Saturday waffles" - mother is missing an apostrophe.
4) "the first reason is because the game is fun, the other is to show off to the girls" - past tense would be much better.
5) "Charlie' Mike's friend, defensively" - instead of the apostrophe, I think a comma is more appropriate.
6) "You are the only one that isn't going to be playing today" - "that" should be replaced with "who" because Charlie is a human.
7) "wanted to say congrats to him" - "wanted to congratulate him" instead sounds less awkward.
8) "Right after the play was over Mike yelled "Matt go away!"" - consider using commas: "Right after the play was over, Mike yelled, 'Matt, go away!'"
9) " Sarah was the hottest girl in his high school, the girl that every guy wants to be with" and " Mike awkwardly started to play with the strap on his bag, he excels at most things, except at socializing with girls." - These two sentences should be fully past tense.
10) You made use of technical jargon (regarding football) and since I don't know what a fake quarterback sneak is, I was unable to visualise that part of the game. Perhaps you could describe in more detail, so as to cater to people who don't know much about football?
I look forward to the next installation of this piece!
Interesting piece! I particularly enjoyed how the Princess seemed all so... haughty and rude, yet she had a soft spot for Paul. awwwwww... Unfortunately, I didn't understand what happened in the end. Did she become ugly or pretty?
Also, I would think that the princess doesn't want to be pretty. If she becomes pretty, she'd have to marry the prince. If she remains ugly, she could stay with Paul forever! =D
A few grammatical errors:
1) "but most of all her looks" - I'd add "because of" between "all" and "her"
3) "The simple reason being she was in love with Paul" - Seems a little awkward. Maybe consider, "The reason was simple: she was in love with Paul".
4) "royal highness" - This is a title, so consider capitalising "r" and "h"
5) "He struggled to seat on the stool (as it was too tiny for his ass)" - "sit" instead of "seat":sit is a verb and seat is a noun. For ass, I would use something more polite, maybe "behind"
6) "genuine-looking smile"- just genuine smile would do =)
7) "altar the looks" "altar" is a place, while alter is a verb that means "change". I think you mean alter.
I've reviewed three of your stories so far, and have enjoyed every single one of them. They're so engaging! Keep writing.
Hiroshima was a terrible thing that happened. I like how you used three people to show that they were leading ordinary lives, not knowing that the very next minute, they could be killed.
A few points I've noted:
1) "jus leaving her" - "just"
2) "destiny noone will" - "no one" is two words
3) "the man waaits on to" - "waits"
When i was in Osaka, I went to the International Peace Museum (it was very empty). We read an account of how a woman was carrying her baby on her back, oblivious to the fact that the baby's head had already been blown off. It was such a sad story (I just wanted to share this with you).
Despite the minor spelling errors, this piece has reminded me of the horrors of war. =) Well written.
I don't think that this is a simple piece from a simple mind. I think this piece speaks for a lot of people, who don't want to be told what to do, but want to follow their own directions in life. I've often wanted to tell people to respect me, respect my choices, respect what I say, and stop imposing their views on me. =) This piece brings that out perfectly.
This piece's ending made me smile. Inspirational, to say the least. I hope, the young man in the story has found out just where his talents lie, and how to use them =)
I've got no grammatical or spelling errors to point out, except the following:
1) "like many things in life, I had no control over that either" - either refers to only two things. But, you mentioned, "like many things in life". So, I would suggest to just leave out the "either"
What an utterly, heart-warming tale of a child with a pure heart. I felt a thrill of happiness through me when I read how sweet Christine gave Ashley to Granny. Beautiful ending, almost brought tears to my eyes.
Only two very small points to make:
1) "shined" - "shone" is more accurate, although I guess shined is acceptable.
2) "wipe a tear from his eye" - past tense: "wiped"
The setting, the characters, all come to life when you describe them. You write really well.
This is GREAT! I don't know what else to say, except that your descriptions were so good. I especially loved the part where you wrote about how the economic crisis hit the small town. And also the dialogue, and Garett's witty come-backs.
You honestly, honestly deserved to win the contest.
Nice poem. The words do not seem to be forced into the rhyme, and they make sense, strung together, so that's commendable. In particular, I like these lines:
"She cannot calm her disbelief.
She cannot climb it."
By using "climb" you suggest climbing both the disbelief, and the hill, to get out of her misery.
Also, I like the beginning of stanzas one and three. In stanza one, you repeated "overlooks" twice in the first two lines, and then in stanza three, you had "bloom" and "loom". These two stanzas pull the poem together quite nicely, giving it a completed feel.
This is a simple story about a man who's looking for a new lease of life. It's rather well done. I couldn't spot any grammatical or spelling errors, so it was really a breeze to read through it
One question though. Do gamblers really give up gambling so easily? I mean, he spent a lot of time at the casino. From what I understand of the gambler's psyche, if he's struck it big once, he's likely to want to do it again and again. It'd be difficult for them to quit without family support, or any other support.
Having said that though, I also realize that there are some people, who by sheer determination, are able to make it. Maybe your character is one of those.
This story seems to have a wealth of potential. Although I don't know what a Black Warrior is (I mean, you didn't describe it in the short extract), I love fantasy. I looked through your portfolio, but it seemed like you didn't put up the story. I hope you've started on it! =) Please post it so we can all read at Writing.com =)
I looked at your portfolio, but didn't manage to find the romance fiction listed there. Did you start on it? I hope you did. This looks like a promising story, especially if the past comes up to haunt her. Not much is written here regarding the rest of the plot, but I look forward to reading this story.
A very sweet moral fable, suitable for both the young and the old. A potential expansion of this could be detailing what exactly Terra told Chit-Chat. Then, this can become a "Guide to Life" in a story-form, much like "Who moved my cheese?"
Just a couple of grammatical/spelling errors:
1) "kindom" - sp: kingdom
2) "stoage" - sp: storage
3) "Terra loved to take her time and make sure everything was in place and planning the events to come" - too many "and"s. Consider breaking into two sentences?
4) "While Chit-Chat lived his life always running and never stopping for a breath or a break. Never planning for the things that he had to do. He ran his life in the fast lane and never slowed down. Racing through life like it was a competition." - I found these sentences a bit disjointed and a bit repetitive. May I suggest instead: "Chit-Chat, on the other hand, lived his life by running around, never stopping for a breath or a break. He never planned for the future, and raced through life as if it were a competition."
5) "She replied to him" - "to him" is not necessary.
6) "didnt want to live his life alone" - typo: you missed an inverted comma.
7) "He asked her for help from Terra." - this suggests that he asked her to ask terra for help, which is incorrect in this case. Instead, just "He asked Terra for help" or "He asked her for help" would do.
I have reviewed your other item before ("After-land", if I'm not mistaken). =)
General Impressions: Well done with the descriptions. I read from your bio that you're only 13. Impressive writing for a 13-year-old, I must say. Congrats on the awardicon! =)
Issues:
1) "Every second appeared to drizzle with illuminous rainbows and flame itself up more powerful than blue waves of fire." - I did not understand this description at all. Is it trying to describe time?
2) "Eric turned to meet her gaze. The intensity of his gaze" - perhaps you could consider using an alternative word for gaze for one or the other. For example, "Eric turned to meet her eyes. The intensity of his gaze..." Using the same words, unless for emphasis, is not usually encouraged.
3) "rejoicing those words of his" - "rejoicing in" instead?
What a really cute story, and with a great ending. =) I smiled as I read this story. There were no grammatical or spelling mistakes that I could spot, but then I guess you'd already taken care of it, seeing that this is a contest entry.
General Impression: You have my utmost respect. This is one of the most wonderful, endearing pieces I've read. I could find no spelling or grammatical errors. It's perfect for children, and I suspect, for every kid within every adult. Kudos to a wonderful poem! I loved it. Honestly!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cometo1999/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 9:58am on Jun 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
