The amount of work you have put into the detail of this is amazing. You are a talented writer and it shows through your descriptive abilities.
Honestly I found the character Yigal to be lacking some personality. In that I mean I found it difficult of understand, relate, or care about his position. I would suggest working on a character sketch. You've not given the reader much background on him, or what he is like, his family or past.
Other than that I found many places that you spend a lot of time "describing" the scene. In writer's terms you're telling instead of showing. I think you could incorporate the descriptions into the story line so they don't stick out awkwardly.
When you jump to the future, "Three months later, March 1959..." I would find a way to incorporate that information as well, vs, just coming out with "Three months later..."
Ralf Ramirez is a character you could use as a model to the rest. He is one that seems true to life. In the way you've described his past and feelings. He seems like a real perosn.
This line is a bit confusing to me,
"Very well. I see that we visualize history differently. So be it.
I am not sure how you can visualize history, it's not a matter of opinion it is fact and the facts are either correct or not. Could you rewrite this to sound like the characters are having a combat over views rather than what happened?
I am not sure about where this story is going toward the end, but perhaps it isn't finished.
I think you have a great start here, and if I had to guess I would think this a first polished draft.
If you asked for advice I'd suggest reading through each line, cuting what is not needed and really work on that "showing" descriptions instead of telling.
It looks good. I hope you have found my review helpful.
I enjoyed reading this small poem. I like the way the rhythem flows much like a cricket's song. You've included a question at the end of each verse and that is good for young children's imaginations. It gives them something to take away with them from your work.
Keep up the good writing.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/collequi
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:53pm on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
