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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cogskate
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79 Public Reviews Given
177 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The bastardised bard - brilliant! I laughed like Jaques.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of A Better Offer  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your antagonist! This story sits really well with your protagonist's story from last week, and seems to make Ophelia and Ethan into well-matched characters. My favourite stories show two characters facing similar situations and reacting differently (Valjean and Javert, Macbeth and Banquo, etc.)

All the best with your story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
An impressive and detailed look at the different meanings of the term "gentleman", and Pip's own journey to discover this. You back up your statements with references, and draw clear, well-expressed conclusions.

There are some typing errors that need to be fixed, such as paragraph spacing and a couple of small mistakes. For example, the comma in the second sentence should come after the word "therefore", and you don't need the word "become" in the last sentence of that paragraph. ("...what makes a man a become gentleman.") Watch out for "effect" and "affect", too.

From your review of my own work, I know that you are very literate, so I won't do a line-by-line errata for you. If you re-read this essay, I'm sure you'll spot the slips for yourself. I certainly don't think that they are worth loosing a rating point over; this essay is five star in content and form. It has also encouraged me to re-read "Great Expectations", which has been sitting, unopened, on my bookshelf for far too long. Dickens' books stick in the mind so well that I can go a long time between readings, but it will be good to re-visit this classic.

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)

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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This looks like a great idea. Roll on January!

I think daily prompts will be an interesting way to get my mind going in new directions. When working on a novel, it is easy to become so tightly focused that I start to get things out of proportion. Blogging on topics not related to my various works-in-progress may shake things up inside my head just enough to keep me grounded while novelling.

Outasync
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a great example of story-telling, with and without dialogue.

I find it interesting that, despite the internal dialogue of her thoughts in the first version, the second version seemed more personal and private, as though seem from inside Belle's head. It's certainly a kerstin I will near in mind when writing my own stories.

I'm keen to know what happened next I'm this story. Where is Belle's mother, and why hasn't she come home? Why was she locked up in the first place? What will Belle do now?

BTW, what is Secret Survivor? Sounds interesting!
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Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. Just wow. So powerful - and so possible, it's terrifying,

The legal pressure to get connected in 2025 is nicely foreshadowed in the social pressure that exists, even today. The reaction to the fall of technology, becoming almost savage overnight, is well observed. It's been discussed in other dystopian stories, so you keep it light, not dwelling on the horror. In a way, your blad, factual statement of facts regarding the deaths makes it all the more chilling.

The "ghost messages" at the end are incredibly sad. Beautiful and haunting, this is a story I will read and re-read. Using my laptop, and the... internet! Um, maybe I should print out a hard copy, just to be safe.
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Review of Up Dated  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A great story! There are a few typos you need to fix, but only one or two (e.g. Victorians, not Victorian's).

I love the mix of characters populating your graveyard; you do a good job of sketching them out with dialogue and action rather than description. I think the hairdresser was my favourite of all of them.

And you make a good point - vampires have gone from scary, to silly, to sexy. How weird is that?!?
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Review of His Hand in Mine  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear An apple a day.... Author Icon,

This review is based entirely on my own opinions and preferences. This piece is your work and, at the end of the day, you have the last word. Please take any suggestions as just that: suggestions.

*Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon4* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2*


*Reading*First Impressions:
A beautiful poem about coming full circle, from child to father. Also, a balanced attitude is shown here: he misses his father, but he acknowledges that his life turned out fine. And he is determined to be there for his son, to keep "his hand in mine".

*Flower2*          *Flower2*          *Flower2*


*Star*Favourite Lines:
The last line is lovely, and I think it was a good decision to choose that as the title of your poem. It adds to the symmetry of the piece.

I also like the second verse, where you rhyme "handsome" with "then some". Nice slant rhyme! *Smile*

*Flower1*          *Flower1*          *Flower1*


*Idea*Suggestions:
One typo in verse five: "...their kids' games" is missing the apostrophe. Other than that, it's fine.

*Flower6*          *Flower6*          *Flower6*


*Note6*Overall Comments:
Your rhythm is rather free, but that works OK in this form. Also, I don't know your accent, so it may be that you and I don't place our stresses exactly the same.

This is a very touching poem, and strikes a chord with me. Although I did know my dad, he left us when I was quite young. I grew up without him around, so I can identify with much of the feeling in this poem. Thanks for sharing it here on WDC.

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)
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Review of Betrayed  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear An apple a day.... Author Icon,

This review is based entirely on my own opinions and preferences. This piece is your work and, at the end of the day, you have the last word. Please take any suggestions as just that: suggestions.

*Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon4* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2*


*Reading*First Impressions:
I like the story, although I'm not sure about the moral! The poor little betrayed guy, he may as well have gone out partying for all the good it did him in the end. *Sad*

*Flower2*          *Flower2*          *Flower2*


*Star*Favourite Lines:
The last line is perfect: "And his drunken friend led the parade." It sums up the story beautifully, and is by way of being the final insult to the poor elf taken from his burrow.

*Flower1*          *Flower1*          *Flower1*


*Idea*Suggestions:
The meter is a little 'off' throught the whole poem, and some of the stresses fall awkwardly. A limerick has quite strict rules about syllable count, and it can be hard to keep to them.

Dah dah dah-dum dah dah-dum dah(-dum) ..... a
Dah dah dah-dum dah dah-dum dah(-dum) ..... a
Dah dah dah-dum dah(-dum) ..... b
(Dah)-dum dah dah-dum dah(-dum) ..... b
Dah dah dah-dum dah dah-dum dah(-dum) ..... a

You've got the rhyme scheme down pat, but the rhythm needs a little work. For example, if you fit your first verse into the above pattern, you get:
There were two leprechauns from Gal(way).
One had a red beard and drank all (day).
He gambled his gold,
(Had) (ce)lebrations untold,
And partied his entire life aw(ay).


Assuming, in the last line, that 'entire' has only two syllables, not three.

I'll leave you to do the other two verses. The alterations needed are superficial, but I think they would tighten up the poem.

*Flower6*          *Flower6*          *Flower6*


*Note6*Overall Comments:
Sorry if I seem to be taking your poem to bits. You did well in the competition, so maybe I'm being unfair. However, I think that with a bit of work, this could be a really good poem as well as a funny one.

All in all, I enjoyed the story and you made me laugh and sigh together. Quite an accomplishment in fifteen lines!

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)
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Review of Recovery  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is beautiful. You have captured the serenity and simplicity of the moment using the perfect form.

Haikus are very easy to understand, and very hard to master. You show discipline: there are no unnecessary details, just the snapshot of a moment. Excellently done.

I have no suggestions for changes, and I see no errors.

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear ragefire2000,

This review is based entirely on my own opinions and preferences. This piece is your work and, at the end of the day, you have the last word. Please take any suggestions as just that: suggestions.

*Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon2* *Balloon1* *Balloon3* *Balloon5* *Balloon4* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2* *Balloon5* *Balloon3* *Balloon1* *Balloon2*


*Reading*First Impressions:
A fascinating glimpse into the mind of a poker-player. You engage the reader right from the start, and keep the tension controlled beautifully throughout.

*Flower2*          *Flower2*          *Flower2*


*Star*Favourite Lines:
Hmm, I think my favourite bit is, well, all of it. I like the way the player is constantly calculating the percentages, and trying to guess what the other player is holding. And the percentages are always in terms of winning: thirty percent to win, not seventy percent to loose! It reflects the player's attitude, always convinced that the next truly great card is just around the corner.

It's interesting that you don't say if your protagonist is male or female. For some reason, I hear the character as male, and American, even though I am neither. Odd, that...

*Flower1*          *Flower1*          *Flower1*


*Idea*Suggestions:
Nit-picking here, but in the first paragraph you could loose the repetition of the word "sweat", by saying,
...couldn't prevent the tiny beads (from) gathering on my brow...


Apart from that, I got nothing to suggest. This is a great story.

*Flower6*          *Flower6*          *Flower6*


*Note6*Overall Comments:
OK, here's where I try to not go all over-the-top with gushing praise. It's not easy, but I'll try. *Smile*

The player is an interesting character, with a distinctive voice or his (her?) own. You weave the explanations into the story seamlessly, so that the story makes sense, even someone who has never played poker (like me!) You even let slip that a full house beats a flush or a straight, and so the last paragraphs tell us that our player would have lost anyway, even if the elusive king had appeared. Unless it was the last not-a-club-or-a-king card that gave her the full house?

Even though the title lets the reader know from the start that the player is going to loose, I still found myself feeling tense as I waited for the last card to be turned over. I like your decision not to reveal what the last card was; it is enough that our player lost, we don't need to know more. This piece is a good example of one of the hardest things about short stories: knowing what not to say and when to stop. I'm still working on this. *Blush*

Thanks for sharing your work here on WDC. It is nice to know that people don't stop using the site just because they have 'proper' writing jobs; we all sit together and share our efforts. And you pros will try not to snigger at us feeble "am-chewers", won't you? *grin*

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)
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Review of Promise of Frost  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Kate B Author Icon,
This review is based entirely on my opinions and preferences - at the end of the day, this is your work and you have the last word. Please take my suggestions as just that: suggestions.

First impressions:
Very atmospheric, it feels bleak and lonely but not sad or depressing - just like woods at the end of autumn.

Favourite parts:
The first verse, with the instructions to the reader to "wander", "hear" and "roam". You are inviting the imagination to take a stroll with you, without intruding yourself into the picture.

Also, the last lines,
                   ...the pale grey sky
That promises a winter snow
As trees grow cold and autumn dies

You end the poem on a quiet fade out, looking up at the sky and thinking of the coming winter while also acknowledging the passing of autumn. Excellently done.

Suggestions:
In the first verse, you mention the "months when fall is almost gone." Although I know it is different in different parts of the world, I think the changes you describe in this poem happen over a period of weeks, rather than months. Maybe even days.

In the third verse, the line "Silence broken by no sound"; the repetition feels a bit unnecessary. Perhaps instead, you could use "unbroken silence", or "perfect silence", or even "unbroken stillness". Of course, in poetry you can use repetition to emphasise a line, so it's not "wrong". Just be sure that you are stressing the images you want to stress.

Overall comments:
A good start, but it needs a bit of a polish to bring it up to its full potential. Your writing feels like it comes straight from your heart, which gives it great emotional power. However, I once came accross some great advice for all writers, "Write with your heart, re-write with your head." I wish I could remember who said that, because it's so true.

I enjoyed reading your poem, and look forward to exploring the rest of your 'folio. Thanks for sharing your work online, I know it takes guts to let other people critisise your labours of love.

**Outasync** (outa time, outa ideas, outa here!)
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The layout is eye-catching and easy to navigate: the rules clearly defined near the beginning, with good use of colour. However, beware being too 'wordy' in your instructions, espeically here:

2. Authors are given two daily tasks to complete. These tasks are diversified, and include writing activities, interpersonal relations, community involvement and more.


"Diversify" is a verb, meaning "to make or become more varied". The adjective is "diverse", or you could just say, "widely varied".

"Interpersonal relations" is a bit vague. I'm not sure what sort of tasks to expect here, and how "interpersonal relations" is different from "community involvement". As a general rule, be aware of jargon and avoid it where possible.

The contest itself, however, looks very interesting. I hope I am in time to secure a place in the line-up. Roll on, July!
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Review of Haiku  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem not only follows the "rules" of haiku, but also the spirit of the verse form. The snapshot of the bleak winter (I now have Paul Simon's "I am a Rock" playing in my head) against the bald statement "Love is in the air".

It seems to work on two levels, either saying that love has its winter's days too; or that even in the darkest depths of December there is still love to be found. The mood of the haiku is a reflection of the mood of the reader.

Brilliant.
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Review of The Fallen Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a great start, I'm eager to read more. One quibble - in paragraph three you call Nharakai "the Nharakai". As well as being her name, is it the name of her race - or just a typo? :)

You do a good job or incorporating the exposition without slowing down the story - the dramatic fight scene at the start gives enough pace and power to carry the momentum through the explanatory passages. This is something I struggle with in my own writing, so your example is particularly helpful to me. Thanks.

I look forward to reading the next chapter. Who is Nhotanok? Why are the demons getting stronger? How did Nharakai come to "fall"? I'm hooked...
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Review of Werecats  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very clearly written, you have obviously put a lot of thought into creating your race. It is important to have a thorough understanding of your characters in order for them to come across as real and alive to your readers. You don't have to include this information in your story, but an awareness of the history, culture and lifestyles of your characters really gives them depth and substance.

It would be interesting to know how the split between Civil & Feral Werecats came about, clearly the Feral Werecats are not just Civils "gone bad" - they have their own culture, rituals and social structure. Was it a war, a divisive event, or did the two lifestyle simply drift into seperate camps, and grow furthur apart with each generation? Is there much bad feeling between Civils & Ferals, or do they just ignore each other? Against whom are the Ferals warring?

There is a lot of scope for very interesting stories featuring this race - and that's not counting the stories that could stem from one of these werecats coming into contact with humans!

I look forward to seeing what you do with these Werecats.

*Star* Reviewed for Theme Two of "UPGRADE AIDE CONTEST" Open in new Window.!
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Review of TOO COCKY BY HALF  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A friend of mine owned a cockatoo, so I could really picture the Major and the havoc surrounding your move. My friend's bird was blue - easy on the eye but very hard on the ears! The only way to stop him from totally dominating the evening's conversation was to throw a cover over his cage. He would complain loudly for a few minutes, and then apparently resign himself to this arbitary night-fall.

I would not have put my fingers anywhere near his cage - I could see what that beak did to cuttlefish bones, and didn't fancy letting him loose on mine!
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Review of Simple as That  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this story! Only one thing I would change, is the end of the second paragraph. "Horrid" jars a little, it is a very old-fashioned word for a story about a teenager. However, this is such a small thing that I haven't held the rating back on its account.

Ashlynn's letter should have question marks after "what is the point" and "eventually you will die" - unless you are showing her distress with a poorly punctuated letter, written in the heat of the moment. Then again, she stole her father's gun and waited a full day. And she seems to have been in the habit of self-harming.

It would be interesting to explore what effect Ashlynn's letter had on the unnamed quarterback. That would make a story of its own, maybe. Why did he hold the door for her? Simple courtesy? Or did he see the pain and desparation in her face? Did he recognise it, because he also had problems? Why that day?

Your characters feel real and alive, so that the reader is free to examine the emotions behind the text. This really is an excellent story. I hope it does well in the competition.
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Review of The Three Keys  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sweet story - I found it through a competition and I hope it does well. One little quibble - how could a key be "floating, nay drifting away"? Surely it would sink? And I'm not completely happy with the "nay". Sounds a bit twee, but then again it suits the story, in a way.

This love of hers must be very rich as well as very patient! But really, I do get the point of your story and I like it. It reads like a folk tale, except that in folk tales you don't get helium balloons, submarines or tracking equipment. They'd have had to use animals, birds and fish instead but the story still works.

I look forward to reading other things from your folio. I'm not very knowledgeable about poetry, so I can't promise detailed reviews, but I'll try and say something constructive about whatever I read.
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I hearby award you five glittery purple stars!

Really, though, I enjoyed your article. On the technical side, it's "clean" of spelling, grammer and punctuation errors (at least, to my untrained eye it is!) and the sentences and pargaraphs are good lengths, well balanced and easy to read.

As for the subject - well, it's good to be reminded that here, words are more important than numbers. I know that I'd rather get a low/average rating and a detailed review, than 5 stars and no comment. Nice point about the book jackets - yes reviews are the key.

BTW - thank you for reviewing "Red Flowers" That review is what led me to your port in the first place!

I look forward to reading more of your work, and I promise to give constructive reviews.

Outasync
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Review of Math Attack!  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice range of questions and answers - but consider re-phrasing question 5, as it is a little stilted.

Also, consider changing one of the Q5 options from "30 mm" to "22 mm squared". Using the wrong units is something that my school was very strict about!
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a lovely story - really touching and also thought-provoking. There are many stories about breaking free of an abusive relationship, but they often end in a "happily ever after" way, implying that now she [or he]is free, all problems are over. As you so clearly show in this tale, that is far from the truth.

One sentence that tripped me up, and which you may want to re-phrase: "She and Millie had a long standing business relationship, for the chocolate eggs, wrapped in gold foil that her famous hen lay" The rest of your story is fine as reguards spelling and grammer, but that one sentence is a bit unclear.

The opening paragraph made me think that Jack was a child, and I had to re-adjust sharply when Joel was mentioned. This set the tone well for the other mental re-adustments that the reader has to make throughout the story.

The juxtaposition of fairy-tale fantasy and hard-line reality works very well. It adds a lighter note in what would otherwise be a very heavy tale. Well done!
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Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely - a Haiku of haikus! And very lovely, a poem that swoops with beuatiful English, and actually translates into an equally good sign poem. The use of repitition and opposites in verses 1 and 3 is particularly effective - in any language!
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Review of And it begins...  Open in new Window.
Review by Outasync Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I ike this as a start - you have my attention, and I am looking forward to hearing Chi "tell all".

I also like the idea of having an author as a main character, a story about trying to write a story. Why didn't I think of that?!

The description is good, and the dialogue is tight. I can almost hear Viz in my head and I feel I have a good idea of what he is like.
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