Every writer seems to have at least one piece about a time travelling bull. Honestly, couldn't you have come up with something more original? I decided to give it a read and see if it, ahem, stood out from the herd.
Seriously though, this was a really good piece. I have read a little Hemingway, and I know a little about the man, but I haven't read his work on bullfighting. I did see `Midnight in Paris' which I think is helpful to give a little background to your piece.
Your writing was excellent and the piece flowed beautifully and was very easy to read.
I think my favourite thing was that the bull could (or at least believed he could) imbue a simple nod with so much meaning. "I nodded in a noble, fine way, with a touch of tragedy". Hehe, brilliant.I also liked the line about putting in a "good snort" for his fellow bulls.
This is a well written piece of flash fiction. The desciption is good. I loved the `internal me rolling its eyes' line. The set-up is very good and I had no idea what would be found in the closet. A lot of the story is delivered via dialogue and you wrote this well making it sound convincing.
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This was rather a sweet story which I enjoyed reading. Most short stories span a short period of time and it can be a challenge to write a short story which spans months or years. I thought you managed it here really well. I liked that we never really get to find out about Miss Barton's mystery man. We are left to wonder who he was, how they met, and why he never showed up earlier. I think it's better that way as it leaves a bit of mystery.
Your writing was very good. The story flowed nicely and was easy to read. The section with Mr Eldidge's son made me smile.
I only have one very minor suggestion:
"Mr. Eldridge stormed into Principal Gorman's office demanding to have her job,"
This line makes it sound as though Mr Eldridge is demanding to have Principal Gorman's job when it's obviously Miss Barton he wants sacked.
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I enjoy stories which present a moral problem. Your piece has potential and could be very interesting. Unfortunately, it could use a lot of fleshing out as it feels like the bare bones of a story at the moment. I didn't know what Chorea was. I actually thought it might be a misspelling of cholera. However, I looked it up and it must be a very difficult disorder to live with. I expect many other readers wouldn't have heard of chorea so a little desription of its symptoms would have really helped the story.
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This is a very unusual and original short story. It's actually a bit tough for me to review as I'm not entirely sure what was going on. It all had a very surreal dreamlike quality about it that did leave me a little lost. I wasn't quite certain whether I was supposed to read it literally or if it was actually all about something else (depression perhaps?) It's certainly different, and I should imagine it must have been a challenge to write.
Your writing style was very good and you did a great job of describing that strange grey place. It actually seemed quite disturbing in places. The piece had a very oppressive, almost claustophobic, feel about it. This certainly wasn't a fluffy happy sort of read. I could imagine it as an avant-garde black and white film.
I'm glad that your character was able to see colour by the end. All of that grey and ash must have been like a nightmare. Thanks for sharing this interesting and challenging piece.
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This is an enjoyable short story. I loved the way you met your chosen prompt with such an original superpower. It's a clever choice because it is so different to any of the powers which tend to come immediately to mind. I was a little surprised that Tanzy got so upset at not being allowed to go to the library. I guess she must be very studious.
Your story was well written and flowed nicely. It was easy to read and it was always clear who was talking and what was happening. There is quite a lot of dialogue and I thought it was all well executed.
I know that Tanzy didn't know she had her power but there was one thing which confused me a little. When she's laughing at the boy who falls over with the water balloon you seem to indicate that Tanzy doesn't know what laughing is. This strikes me as rather strange. Surely she would have laughed before, or at least have seen people laughing and know what it was?
Thanks for sharing this light-hearted and entertaining read.
I'm a fan of Kafka's `Metamorphisis' and your story is (knowingly) similar. I think you have done a fantastic job here. the language is dark and almost poetic. Lot's of people are scared of spiders so this just adds to the horror. I'm suprised to learn this is your first attempt at horror as you seem to have a great grasp of how to come up with a dark and creepy story. And creepy it most certainly is.
The metaphorsis that your character undergoes is the sort of thing which is very difficult to write but you described it wonderfully. I must say I am very impressed indeed.
This is a fantastic line:
"Some people say that humans can get used to anything, but it’s hard to imagine that those individuals have ever felt the tickle of a spider crawling out of their throat."
"The crawl of the first spider is the most annoying" - I think annoying is the wrong word here. It's a great line but nobody finds a spider crawling out of their throat annoying. They find it horrifying, or pant wettingly terrifying.
"Muscles snap like the strings of an over-tuned violin" is a fantastic line. I liked this a lot.
The story is fantastic. It needs a little bit of work to fine tune it even more, but I think you would have a good shot at getting this story published.
Great stuff. I'll be adding you as a favourite and look forward to reading more of your work.
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This is a cracking little short story. It flowed nicely and I found it to be very easy to read. The first person viewpoint worked well for this story. I thought the descriptive writing was good. The fog adds to the atmosphere at the beginning and then we find out that it's integral to the plot in the end.
There must be lots of real life tales like this from the blitz. Where chance prevents somebody being in the wrong place at the wrong time so it all sounded very plausible. I like the sing song which captured the `blitz spirit'.
I found this to be a pleasant and engaging read. You have kept your language straightforward and sentences short and I think it would be an enjoyable read for younger readers. I liked Gerald, everyone likes a plucky underdog - or hamster in this case. A story like this wouldn't work if we didn't care about the main character but I thought you did a good job with him. he's scared but overcomes his fear, he's adventurous and he's curious about the world. I liked the description of the humans as `two legs'.
The ending to this story doesn't seem very satisfying. It feels like there is more to come?
I was a little puzzled as to what the circles were that Gerald found and ate. Sushi perhaps?
I thought the word `cage' appeared too many times (five) in the final paragraph and it jarred at me as I read it, so this could use a bit of tinkering with.
This is really nice. It reads like a kind of modern day fairytale. I presume that's the effect you were going for as you began with "Once upon a time"
It seems like a story of obsession too, and I think it desribes many a writer. Always striving to create and being unsatisfied with the results but being complelled to go back again and again. The decription of the protaganist was good, I liked the way she glowed, it made her seem a bit supernatural. She seemed a bit mad, but in a good way. I liked her.
This is a well written piece that flowed really nicely. Nothing jarred to take me out of the story. I loved the tagline "because stories can consume", it summed up the piece beautifully.
The opening paragraph is very strong. You introduce the characters and the conflict. I immediately wanted to know why Siobhan's nineteenth birthday would probably be her last. You brought intrigue and danger to your story right from the off.
The story is interesting, although it's obvious that this isn't a stand-alone and that you are creating a world here. I thought your dialogue writing was strong and drove the story forward nicely. One point you may want to look at is you sometimes use enthused, inquired, reassured etc rather than said. This is generally considered a no-no in modern fiction and should be used very sparingly or not at all. That minor niggle aside I thought this was a well written piece.
I enjoyed this piece. It flows really nicely and is a nice easy read. A twist ending often works very well in flash fiction and you delivered one here. I thought that the line about the sugar was good and worked well when we learn that they are ants. The sentence structure is a touch unconventional in places. For instance "She was an ice queen." then there is a line break to "And I was a slacker.." Same thing for the line "Huge water drops..." It's perhaps not strictly grammatically correct, but I think it works like this so I wouldn't change it. It introduces a little pause that I liked.
The only line I wsn't sure about is the line which read "We were ants." I wonder if there's another way of doing this as it's very much telling the reader that they are ants rather than showing them.
I thought this was a nice little piece, thanks for sharing it.
I enjoyed this short story, I thought it flowed nicely and was easy to read. It was written in first person past tense which I thought was a good choice for this piece. You described the scene well and I was able to picture it well in my mind and you kept the adverbs to a minimum (always a good sign).
I have a couple of suggestion which might help you to make your story stronger. At one point you wrote: "We realized the wind had picked up." It's easy to write things like "We realised," or "I thought," or "he saw," but this is rarely the best thing to do. As long as the point of view is clearly established it's better to cut out all of these extras and just say "the wind had picked up."
" I became really frightened. "
This is a case of showing rather than telling, try to show how the character is frightened.
I thought that the story built up really well, but then the ending was a bit of an anticlimax. I see that it's a biographical story but I think this is one of those circumstances where you could exaggerate. Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!
I liked this line:
"The air conditioner didn't function very well, and the television offered two channels, one of them in Spanish"
it's the sort of line that brings the situation to life for the reader.
Welcome to writing.com. This is an interesting piece and it did get me thkinking. My gut feeling is that you are probably right. I feel it may well be likely that people with higher intelligence (although that then gets us into the question of how we define intelligence) may suffer higher than average rates of mental illness. However, you state this as fact without reference to any supporting evidence or studies. You may well be right - but no evidence is presented to allow me to form any kind of reasoned opinion.
I'm not sure why you switched to cpatial letters in the final paragraph as this gives a "shouty" sort of tone which I don't think is what you intended.
I'm eleven chapters in to your novel now and still enjoying it a great deal. There are quite a few threads running along and a number of characters. Rho is introduced in this Chapter, but as he is in a relationship with Merci he doesn't seem quite as new (does that makes sense). And it seems he is on his way to link back up with Merci anyway. You mention that he hasn't been able to get in touch with Merci and there is an increase in solar activity. I think that, as I reader, this is a gentle reminder that we learnt early on that Merci's episodes are more frequent when there is solar activity. It's not clear what, if anything, Rho knows about this. Interesting. I'd been looking forward to Merci's re-appearance as she is my favourite of the characters so far.
I spotted one typo: “I here southern Louisiana is a beautiful place this time of year
This should be - "I hear...
I wasn't sure about the line "flying the jet was rudimentary" - it sounded a bit odd to me. The controls being rudimentary, or the training being rudimentary, or similar sound right to my ears. Flying the jet was rudiementary doesn't quite scan to my mind. That might just be me.
This is an expertly written piece of flash fiction. Everything works perfectly as it flows towards the grim, but funny and unexpected ending. It did make me smile. The piece flows beautifully, there are no wasted words, the ending is superb. A very clever and entertaining piece which I can think of no suggestions on how to improve.
This is a brave piece. I wonder how many people are going to fail to realise that this is intended to be satire? Scarily, you may even find a few who agree with the premise.
I thought this was well written and thought provoking. I like in the UK rather than the US but the same thing applies here, too. I usually pass at least two or three people sleeping homeless as I walk to work, sometimes even in Winter. It's shameful that this happens in rich Western countries while a few others are sitting atop of piles of money stratching to the billions.
Very interesting, I could have happily kept on reading. It feels authentic, I liked the mention of the low intensity red light inside the vehicle. That's the sort of detail that brings a piece to life for a reader.
I enjoyed your writing style, it was enaging and easy to read.
Most of the piece is written in first person present tense, and I think this is a good choice for a piece like this as it gives it a sense of immediacy. However it switches to past tense for a couple of paragraphs starting here:-
"Thinking about it now I distinctly remember watching my...."
I don't think it needs to do this. I think it would be stronger if it stays in the present.
"Cool as a cucumber" is a tired cliche and should be cut or replaced with something fresh.
No complaints apart from this. You've ended on a cliffhanger and left the reader wanting more at the end of an interesting piece. Are you planning on writing more?
However, it wasn't one of my favourites. I felt that Lyle wasn't as strking a character as Merci, Sam or even Blachford, and he didn't have a lot to do to distinguish himself in this chapter. I suppose it is always a difficulty introducing a new character (even though it sometimes needs to be done) at this stage, as the reader is becoming familiar with the existing characters and wants to see more of them.
i found the first half of this chapter a little dry but the second part was interesting. I found it fascinating to read about the forcefield, and the inhabitants within. I am curious as to why you named the inhabitants aborginals, as my understanding is that this term is generally only applied to the native peoples of Australia (and your island is stated to be in Alaska?
I wasn't sure about the reference to King Solomon's mines. I think this is a film, I think I may even have seen it. I can't remember it and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be picturing.
There is a line about Lyle `pushing the envelope'. I assumed this to mean he was cutting it fine to get to his shift on time, but it's not totally clear.
I liked the line about forests sprouting as thick as brocolli.
I hope this review didn't sound too negative, as I continue to enjoy reading your excellent and imaginative story.
An interesting chapter that diverges away from the characters we have followed so far. Poor Tommy Murrow doesn't last long but his short role seems to do two important jobs. Firstly it introduces us to the strange forcefield around the island, and more importantly it gives Blatchford a chance to be dastardly.
I assumed that a villain would appear sooner or later as I knew it wouldn't be Merci, and Sam didn't seem like a wrong un either. I think Blatchford is going to be fun. I loved the line about him staring like a malfunctioning robot. It works as a description and as an insight into an unhinged personality.
There's a little bit of head hopping between the characters within this chapter, which you haven't done before. But I think that was justified and it was always clear who was who and what was what.
This chapter delievered a big dramatic moment, and added some new characters and questions to keep the reader hooked.
I enjoyed this chapter. The descriptive writing was particularly good. Sam's hangover was well written with him feeling terrible, and then reproaching himself for indulging in self pity. I loved the line about the UFO watchers hunkered down in the hills like trapdoor spiders. This was a great image and I also found it to be quite amusing.
Giving a nickname to the complex was a good idea as it made the place seem more real. That's just the sort of thing that people to do. The description of the complex itself also worked very well.
Jesse's warning that `something big is coming' shortly before his death is a good touch. We don't know what this is yet, but I want to find out. Jessie's death is also curious, and we find out that Sam doesn't believe the official verdict of suicide.
I didn't know what a Juan Valdez was (although it was clear from the context it was a drink of some kind.) I had to look it up and I see it's a household name in the States. It's not a chain that I have heard of here in Britain.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
The most interesting thing about this chapter was the mention of alien technology and possibly aliens themselves underground in the hangar. I'm presuming that this is a signpost for the reader that there will be aliens, or at least alien tech, coming up later in the story. It would be a bit dissapointing if it turned out that Jesse was just being eccentric. I think I can be pretty safe in assuming that Jessie was right and that this is important plot information that you have worked into the story in a clever way.
I liked this almost instantly. Hot enough to peel the housepaint in hell is a devilishly good line."Possum crap on a barbecue" further enforces my opinion that you are a writer of some talent. That's not a line that many people would come up with.
The dialogue works really well and is my favourite part of this story. I'm British and struggle with accents, even in my own country, but it sounded very deep South of the US of A in my head as I read it.
The flow is very good and the story is very easy to read. You succeeded in staying in voice of the narrator throughout. There was nothing in there that broke the illusion for me. The intro to the story was cleverly done. You showed that the narrator was female, that her dad was a bit of an authoritarain and tha she wasn't the most traditionally ladylike.
The end of the story skips forward a year but I thought that worked just fine.
For writing skills this is easily a five, just because there is no major conflict I'm giving it a four-point-five (still none too shabby!)
I saw this as an awarded item and thought I would take a look. It's a classic story of conflict between a father and child. I thought it was well executed and made for an enjoyable read.
The story revolves around an argument between father and daughter, and I think you described it well. A large portion of the story was conducted through dialogue. I thought the dialogue was well written, but at times it could have been made tighter as it had a tendancy to be a little wordy.
For instance you wrote the following:
“My practising designing, as you put it, has created more contacts for me than those few you presented me with. People who are willing to pay for the outfits I create for them. I make enough money to no longer need your allowance to live on.”
You could cut this to the bones and do something like:
"My designs make money; people pay for what I create. I don't need your allowance."
It may just be a difference in style between us, but I felt your story would be stronger with a fairly brutal trim.
That's not to say I didn;t enjoy the story (because I did), It was well written and came complete with a happy ending. I'm not sure when it was set I pictured it being in the 1920s / 1930s but I guess it's a story that works in any age so maybe it is more modern. There's mention of a powerful engine in the car, but that's all relative!
Have you shuffled the order of this Chapter? I read number 7 the other day but didn't have time to review it. Different chapter here now (unless I clicked on the wrong one last time)
Some interesting build up here. We still don't really know how it ties in with Merci but it's good to see Sam back. You mentioned that Sam has a prosphetic leg. As far as I recall this wasn't mentioned when he was first introduced. I think this is the sort of thing that is best to let us know as soon as we meet a character.
I'm looking forward to seeing what sort of futuristic tech is lined up for the squad to use. It's a crack squad with great tech, but they aren't going to be invulnerable as they are all old and rusty. This makes things more interesting.
The desriptive writing is very good as always but there are a couple of references to pop culture that not everyone may get. Dolph Lungren is the guy from the rocky film I think? Duke Nukem haircut I presume refers to the computer game but I haven't played it so I can't visualise this.
The story is great and is shaping up nicely but I think it's in need of a big dramatic event very soon. It's mostly been back story, introducing the characters and build up so far.
I thought that this sentence could do with re-wording:
"Sam could recall precisely six past meetings, all of them fascinating, less by the man himself than by the reactions of people around him."
Spotted one typo right at the end - this should be "I'm getting too old for this..."
I love Greece, and I've spent a lot of time there, so your choice of the island of Santorini as the setting for your story appealed to me straight away. The opening line is good, it sets the tone for the piece, ties in with the ending, gives a sense of the beautiful surroundings and gives the reader a pretty strong hint that the storu begins on an aeroplane.
Your descriptive writing is good, I don't know if you've ever been to Santorini, but you capture the feel of the place well. I enjoyed the paragraph about the volcano. I like to learn something when I read, even if I'm reading fiction. One thing that did seem to be missing from the desription was an indication of what sort of time of year it is. If it's summer then Greece is super hot and this should warrant a mention. There's also a wind called (if I remember correctly) the meltimi which blows over Santorini and the other islands in the chain. This might be a nice touch to read up on and slip into the story, especially given the skydiving element.
I thought you did a really good job with your main protagonist. I felt for him. Dolories came across as very cold and unfeeling and it was hard to drum up much feeling for her. I wonder if you could soften her character slightly, or show why he loved her?
The story has a clearly defined beginning, middle and end. I thought the ending was really strong. and I didn't see it coming. I had been a bit worried that it would just be a failed love story where nothing much happened, but fortunately you had something far more interesting in store.
The choice of first person present tense worked well for this story.
I liked almost all of this story with just a couple of line that didn't appeal to me very much.
"Looking at the sea below reminds me of the first time I saw her eyes."
I don't like lines that compare eyes with the sea or the sky. It's just been done so many times. At least your character is flying over the sea as it happens so I guess it's ok, but I suspect you can find a better way of doing it.
"Diving out the open door and adjusting myself into a flat spin I feel the magnificent colors in my soul."
This line confused me a bit. I presume he is expressing joy or freedom but magnificent colors of the soul just confused me.
Very good story overall. I loved the setting, liked your main character, and loved the ending. A perfect title, too.
I spotted one typo:
I mentionedt alternatives, adoption and test-tube babies,
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