"no title" E: a poem about what is perceived and what is real
~
First Impression : I would give this poem a title as Transcendence or The Spark of a Tear. It needs a title. I was surprised it was written in the present tense and I had to catch myself as I kept putting it in past tense. Although I understand why it is written in present tense. The transition from sweet tears to the tears of fires of hell was awkward I thought. I didn't get the connection between the two. Maybe I missed something in the read.
Spelling and Grammar :No obvious grammar or spelling errors.
Flow : The piece seemed to flow nicely. I liked the descriptions of the two types of tears. I would have liked to know the reasoning for the two types of tears and what differentiates them. Unless, one is what is shown outwardly and one is shown inwardly. The flow and piece was even and easy to follow.
Additional Comments :I like your style and you have a lot to say. Keep on
"First drum set" E: My friend gave his 2 year old a drum set! Can you hear him play?
~
First Impression :I thought it was a cute expression of a little boy playing drums with anything he had that he could bang. Then, he got his first drum set. I liked the way the verses were set up with "'cause he can." At that age children think they can do everything.
Spelling and Grammar :No spelling or grammatical errors found.
Flow : The flow was just right. It was vivid and went from one scene to the other. You could really hear the drumms ringing to their own beat.
Additional Comments :This is a good piece to get published in a children's magazine like Highlights or Humpty Dumpty. There are many more out their. I am not well versed in the publications. A library would have a listing.
First Impression :I enjoyed the rhythm of the first stanza of the poem. The second stanza didn't work for me. It had rhyme but the rhythm was off. The following two stanzas flowed nicely. I think you got the point of the poem across nicely. It had real meaning--a starlit meaning of love in the beginning.
Spelling and Grammar :There were no grammatical or spelling errors that I caught.
Flow : The ideas flowed nicely from one stanza to another. Like I said before the rhythm was off in the second stanza.
Additional Comments :Overall, good poem. Keep writing and I will be looking out for you.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Chapter 3, The Shadow Masters" 13+: The Shadow Masters are a ruthless terrorist organization...
~
First Impression :My first impression, I was expecting more of science fiction piece. While the names were changed, I felt like I was reading almost about 911 and one step further. It seemed more real as a possibility of what could happen. I would have liked to see more sci-fi elements to the piece.
Spelling and Grammar :There were no spelling or grammar errors that I could pick up on
Flow : It flowed very nicely throughout the piece from one scene to the next and since this was the second chapter I figure there are more chapters in the making which will fill in the conclusion of what happens to these people. Nice dialog from beginning to end.
Additional Comments :It was very realistic for me and I don't know if you meant it to be that way. It just got me thinking of 911, especially with the plane at the end.
"The Lost Child" E: It is hard to lose a child, over and over again!
~
First Impression :A very rich heart wrenching story that tugs at the emotions within. I could actually feel the breaking away from the little girl and the struggle to want to be united. I was right there witness the entire scenario.
Spelling and Grammar :There were no obvious grammar or spelling errors.
Flow : At first I was confused. I thought it was about a mom and her little girl, but it was quickly cleared up and I realized who you were. From that point the flow went smoothly and easily from one juncture to the next ending almost in a letter form or a last wish from Dad.
Additional Comments :Perfect as is. I wouldn't change a thing!
"Grandma's Angels" E: I said my last good-bye and thought about the night before and knew she hadn't been alone.
~
First Impression :This was a beautiful reminisce of a wonderful lady in her day. You created a heart warming story of your grandmother, one that touches the heart. It gives a good feel of who she was and reminds me of my grandmother who religiously played bridge. I felt write at home in your story.
Spelling and Grammar :There were no obvious spelling or grammatical errors that I could see.
Flow : The storied flowed from the introduction to the subtle changes that took place in your grandmother until her dying days. There was a gentle work up from who she was to who she had become and a satisfying releasing conclusion.
Additional Comments :Just a beautiful story. I would have liked to know more about her and how she influenced your life growing up.
"Glory Days" 13+: Running on the edge. The joy we remember; whilst our brain cleverly emits the pain.
~
First Impression : I had to read this several times to understand what the Gory Days meant. I am still not sure I got this right. I take it is about war and the things we have to do to stand firm in our right. Correct me if I am wrong.
Spelling and Grammar :No obvious spelling or grammatical errors.
Flow : The stanzas were perfectly broken up. It flowed smoothly from beginning to end with the high point at the end of the piece.
Additional Comments :I'd like to know more about this poem and what stirred you to write it.
First Impression : Good meter and rhyme development pattern. Perfect break between stanzas. Interesting. Captured my attention. Well developed from beginning to end. I could feel the changes of the chamelion and relate to the feelings of the chamelion.
Spelling and Grammar :No obvious grammar or spelling errors.
Flow : Rhythm was perfetct.
Additional Comments : Sounds like one that should be sent out to be published.
This was a beautiful description of the backset of war. It was very touching. I would have liked to hear a little dialogue, but the considering the man's condition maybe there wasn't strenght for a dialogue. I loved the imagry and symmetry played between the background and the woman's wounds. I enjoyed the simili's. Sometimes I got too caught up in the descriptors and had to take extra time to read them to see them and feel them. Sometimes I felt there were too many descriptors and I would have liked to create the scene in my own mind. Over all the piece was excellent and I would like to see this fleshed out into a longer story. Seems good enough to submit to a contest or as piece work to a magazine. Keep Writing and I will keep looking for you.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I think this is a letter we can all right to ourselves. We need motivation from within to go on and deal with the struggles in our lives. We do all have struggles. A really unique idea and to share powerful moving piece with others. If this is true, I really admire your tenacity to stick to your goals. The letter to yourself is kind and not sefl-degrading as sometimes our inner dialogue can be. It is kind and encouraging. It is a letter we would each like to recieve to boost our moral. It is sensitive and poignant. Kudos to you. Keep writing. "Invalid Item"
You describe depression as it really is--raw and tangable. You went through a gradual transition until you hit bottom. True like an alcoholic, only an alcoholic has a choice over whether he drinks or not. A person with depression does not have the choice of abstinence. They have the choice of getting help. But when you that depressed that is the last thing you are thinking of. You hit the nail right on the head there. If it weren't for others and responsability for others there wouldn't be that glimmer for us to hold on to until this episode passes. Depression gets worse over time without seeking help. It is a real disease and the point needs to be made. You did a very good job in doing this. Keep writing.
Interesting poem. Similar, but different to one I've read. I liked the way the stanzas were set up starting from the beginning of the day working through the day. I can really relate to the subject. In the last sentence "I want to forget about the flashes," many younger people may not understand wht is meant by flashes. Saying hot flashes my be more explanatory. I really liked the last sentence: That remind me everytime. The flashes clearly reminded me of my every waking moment and who I was and what I wanted to change about myself. Just for today I want to be happy about myself. Hits the mark. Great piece. Keep writing.
Very interesting article. I liked the analogy of the baby Christian to the baby writer. I also agree that everyone that txts or blogs does not mean they are a writer. Your entry was well flowing and well thought out. I once thought that you had to be published to be an author. Writing.com has taught me otherwise. The editing process is a large part that I have problems with in my work. I check and recheck and still there are mistakes. I need distance from it and allow other eyes to see it as I am blinded by it.
I really enjoyed your piece. You know what your talking about. Keep writing.
During your opening "It's like climbing a mountain" I wonder what's like climbing a mountain. I would like more of an introduction to this piece. When You say "I beoce enamored with what I see" I would like a visualization of what you see so I too can become enamored."I fall in love with the scenery"-- I ask myself what is the scenery? "It means more to me.... because I love" is a beautiful sentence. It makes me want to ivibe what ever it is you are taking in.
The second pargraph I see the images of the breeze acorss the cheek and can really feel the love--greater than the mountain type.
Overall found it a fine piece. Just gave some observations of things to think about to expand upon.
Interesting subject line. I didn't first understand it . I hd to read it a few times to soak in. There seemed to be some sentence fragments and some longer sentences which would be easier to digest if shortened. Over all content was good. Good idea and good questions at the end giving thanks to the readers. Keep writing.
I loved the transition from past to future. I saw the painting come to life on a convas in my minds eye. Fascinating. There are no changes I would make to this story. Loved it completely.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cnelson
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 8:18am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
