Chris24's (cnancedc) Reviews

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READ A NEWBIE

Echoes of moonlit grave

. A story of love, betrayal and romance of star Crossed lovers.

Beat Down To Be Built Back Up

After all the times I’ve been put second, I’m learning I should be my own first choice

The kite

A poem cautionibg teenage girls to jeep off romance and focus on theur studies first

Guts to Grave

Short Horror Story made at the request of a friend

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

A Harvest Spider Named Mary.

children's story about a spider.

Thanks Anonymous!

Thank Anonymous for gifts you've received with no name attached...

Evidence of autumn

Haiku: A quick observation about the pending arrival of autumn.

The Beauty Of Laughter

Laugh and the world laughs with you..

Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cnancedc

Chris24

Review Requests: ON

55 Public Reviews Given

77 Total Reviews Given

Public Reviews

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4339963

Review of Prompt # 9 - Cancer

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there GaelicQueen

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Prompt # 9 - Cancer"

and I would like to offer the following review. I promise to be kind but honest and provide a positive assessment to help you strengthen your writing proficiency. I noticed this piece was part of a writing contest from 2014, but critiques generally help my writing ability, so I'll provide some constructive feedback here.

Overall, I thought this piece was good. I thought the message was intentionally provided to be sweet, though as a business owner myself, your male character definitely crosses quite a few boundaries as a supervisor/employer, making it just a bit creepy.

Anyways, my favorite sentence was:

'Angela was sympathetic to her employer, but she was more conflicted than ever.'

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. Your ability to tell a tale is convincing.
2. I could really sense the conflicted emotion Angela felt.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The area which I thinks needs more attention are the few punctuation errors throughout the piece, use of commas in particular. Here are a few examples:

1. 'Coming into work early Angela felt moody.'

would read better as...

'Coming into work early, Angela felt moody.'

and..

'Sitting down at her desk she was hoping to find an imaginative resolution to the questions that have plagued these past few weeks.'

needs a comma...

'Sitting down at her desk, she was hoping to find an imaginative resolution to the questions that have plagued these past few weeks.'

and so on.

2. Watch about about your use of 'that.' I know many authors tend to use it too often.

'It was ever since the Zoo obtained Leo and his handler that she felt confused and conflicted. Sitting down at her desk she was hoping to find an imaginative resolution to the questions that have plagued these past few weeks.'

Try restructuring your sentences to avoid the word. It might read better as:

'Ever since the Zoo obtained Leo and his handler, she felt confused and conflicted. Sitting down at her desk, she was hoping to find an imaginative resolution to the questions plaguing her these past few weeks.'

Do see the subtle distinctions? The message is the same, just delivered in a different manner.

3. Also, watch your dialogue, making sure it doesn't flow into non-dialogue sentences. For example:

'“Oh good you discovered Oscar. He smiled and pointed to the rubber crab.'

This one needs a quotation mark to distinguish the dialogue from the descriptor.

'“Oh good you discovered Oscar." He smiled and pointed to the rubber crab.'

4. Don't be afraid to use contractions more. Instead of using 'I will', use 'I'll' or 'It is', use 'It's'. The subtle change should make your dialogue more casual and help your piece flow more easily, seeming less rigid.

Such as they are, these are just my humble and, hopefully helpful, observations. Thanks for allowing a review of this piece! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4259235

Review of Death and Faxes

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there Carol St.Ann

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Death and Faxes"

and I would like to offer the following review. I promise to be kind but honest and provide a positive assessment to help you strengthen your writing proficiency. I’m offering this review as a member of "Invalid Item"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was very clever. My favorite part, of course, was the twist in the middle of the story when it was discovered that a quick statement on a fax may not mean what you think.

My favorite sentence was:

"Clever, but wrong. I can come anytime I want, but visiting isn't my purpose."

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I really liked that you were able to effectively convey a dialogue driven short story without the need to elaborate on the environment or physical attributes of your characters.

2. Your dialogue is believable and allows the reader to really connect with the characters.

3. There were a couple areas where I chuckled and I enjoyed your dark humor.

4. I think your protagonist felt like a real person, though a little on the dark side.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I struggled a little bit with who is saying what. I think this would be especially true for any quick reader. I think your story and dialogue is strong as it is, so I'm not sure if adding the occasional 'he said/she said' would add or take away from the piece.

2. I was a little unclear about why death was visiting her at all. I didn't get that part. There's also an indication that he's visited before. I mean, its not like they're BFFs or anything...are they? (Unless she's some sort of demon or something.)

There were no overt grammatical errors that I could see.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4249107

Review of A Bitter Farewell

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there MagnusOpum

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "A Bitter Farewell"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was good. Short and sweet, yet effective. My favorite part was your description of her transformation.

My favorite sentence was:

And her form collapsed upon itself; twisting, bending to it's own will into a monster she never knew herself to be.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I think you were able to convey an effectively convincing story in a relatively short format, which is very difficult to do.

2. Your imagery was nicely done and I was able to get a feeling for the character and her environment.

3. I like that you chose a bear rather than a wolf, which can be a little bit cliche.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I struggled a bit with the format of the sentences. Be very careful of run-on and fragmented sentences, making sure your narrative flows well.

2. Watch out about beginning your sentences with a conjunction like 'And' or 'But'. Its very difficult to do effectively and if it's off even a bit the sentence can feel like a fragment, rather than a complete sentence.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4247916

Review of Propriety

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there PayColeCarmen

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Propriety"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was interesting. I noticed it was a prologue and maybe part of a larger work, so I'm assuming it's probably incomplete. My favorite part was your description of John Young and his suspicions about the chip.

My favorite sentence was:

So why, now, is the government trying to fix it when they could've done it years ago and saved many more lives.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I think you set up the scene well and I definitely get a feeling for the character and environment.

2. I was able to relate your character and connected with his concern.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. There wasn't much plot development here. I kept expecting something to happen and it never did. Again, I'm sure this is part of a larger piece so it will be interesting to see how it develops.

2. Be careful of your tenses. Some of the piece is written in a present tense:

Finally, he's sitting in the chair waiting to be implanted with the Chip.

while other parts are written in past tense:

He inserted the needle just below his elbow.

I generally prefer past tense myself, as if the narrative is being told by a story teller. Present tense usually seems just a little to wooden, like you're reading from a screenplay and not being told a story. But then again, that's just me. Either way stay consistent and you'll hold your reader better.

3. Try to use more contractions. So, instead of saying that is, say that's. Instead of we are, use we're...and so on. It will make your piece sound more conversational and fluid.

There were a few grammatical errors, general use of punctuation problems but nothing overt or anything that really took away from your work.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4246180

Review of The Smile of an Earth Woman

Review by Chris24

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi there Prosperous Snow celebrating

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "The Smile of an Earth Woman"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

First off, I have to say...Oooh! Scifi! My favorite! I write a lot of scifi stuff.

Overall, I thought this piece was very good and had some interesting concepts I hadn't seen before. My favorite part was your concept that something as simple as a smile can be overly flirtatious to an alien.

My favorite sentence was:

This is my last attempt to negotiate a peace treaty, he thought as he turned the handle to open the reception room door, considering what an unhappy lot these Earthers are, maybe we should put the entire planet out of its misery.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I really liked your idea about the misinterpreted effects of facial expression that could be lost in translation.

2. I enjoyed the subtlety of your alien descriptions and that you didn't feel it necessary to be over elaborate.

3. You effectively paint a convincing scene with realistic characters.

4. Your dialogue and thoughts seem natural and flow well.

There weren't really any content areas of your piece that I struggled with. There a few grammatical errors that I'd like to bring to your attention.

1. “Why,” asked Joy going the official greeting area.

I think should be...

“Why?” asked Joy going the official greeting area.

2. This section was a little awkward:

The Choaler consider a smile as foreplay. As a request for an intimate relationship and since we don’t want any misunderstandings, don’t smile at them.”

I think it might read better as...

The Choaler consider a smile as foreplay, as a request for an intimate relationship. And since we don’t want any misunderstandings, don’t smile at them.”

3. I think a period may be more appropriate than a comma here.

“Well, I suppose every sentient species has it own unique culture,” Joy took her place beside Alice Langley, the head greeter.

becomes...

“Well, I suppose every sentient species has it own unique culture.” Joy took her place beside Alice Langley, the head greeter.

4. This use of 'then' in this sentence:

“Good morning, Ambassador Jones,” Klav Forst set his plate down and took the place next to the Earth Ambassador, rather then the one across the table where his name card rested.

should be:

“Good morning, Ambassador Jones.” Klav Forst set his plate down and took the place next to the Earth Ambassador, rather than the one across the table where his name card rested.

5. This sentence needs a subtle correction:

“Both are empires would like mining rights on the planets of the Lortof System.

changed to...

“Both our empires would like mining rights on the planets of the Lortof System.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4241540

Review of Moirai

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there sumpinlikedat

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Moirai"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was great! My favorite part was the countdown toward the end. I really think it added a sense of suspense.

My favorite sentence was:

One word, four letters, such a simple thing, but even in pictures, you can almost see it send shivers down the spine of every human in the room.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. You definitely have a very comfortable writing style. I think your words flow naturally and you tell your story well.

2. You're effectively able to paint a vivid picture that captivates the reader.

3. I like the sense of suspense you create at the end. I liked the countdown concept.

4. You leave the reader wanting more. I'm hoping you'll continue with this piece so we can find out what the heck happened once you switched her on.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I'm not sure whether leaving the reader hanging in the end is good or bad.

On the one hand, there's the sense of captivating the reader but on the other hand there's no closure to the piece.

2. I was struggling a little bit with why Moirai was "our destiny - our future as a species." Was there some sort of plague? Was the human species dying? In other words, I think a desperate reason needs to be established for creating her.

3. I'd consider changing the font for this format...or at least the size. It was a little difficult to read and I have a large monitor.

There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider punctuation changes, to improve the flow:

1. Be careful about run-on sentences. For example:

The photos of that night tell an exciting story: the journalists covering the event standing arm in arm with the men and women who had created Moirai, raising their glasses of bubbling gold champagne, reflecting and amplifying the flashing multicolored lights of the massive servers feeding her brain; the countdown clock, ticking away the seconds to midnight, bringing with it the birth of both a new species and a new hope for mankind; the flashes of light from the cameras reflecting off the still-dark screens that would soon bring us hundreds of terabytes of data on Moiraiâs thoughts, feelings, and functions; and hundreds of others, ending in the only one that mattered, showing Dr. Melinda Braun pressing Enter on the final command to wake Moirai from her pre-birth slumber.

Is all one sentence. Whoa. I think it would read better broken up. Maybe something like this:

The photos of that night tell an exciting story, the journalists covering the event standing arm in arm with the men and women who had created Moirai. They raise their glasses of bubbling gold champagne, reflecting and amplifying the flashing multicolored lights of the massive servers feeding her brain. The countdown clock, ticks away the seconds to midnight, bringing with it the birth of both a new species and a new hope for mankind. Flashes of light from the cameras reflect off the still-dark screens that would soon bring us hundreds of terabytes of data on Moiraiâs thoughts, feelings, and functions...and hundreds of others, ending in the only one that mattered: Dr. Melinda Braun pressing Enter on the final command to wake Moirai from her pre-birth slumber.

2. Be careful of your tenses. You begin your story in past tense but appear to finish it in present tense. For example:

She was the culmination of decadesâ worth of scientific blood, sweat, and tears. After hundreds of false starts, thousands of programming iterations, and several necessary discoveries of new manufacturing processes, Moirai was switched on at midnight on January 1, 2020. She was, quite literally, our destiny - our future as a species, and the masterwork of thousands of great minds who had come before.

Becomes...

News video is even more telling: a hush passes over the crowd as the clock ticks down to twenty, then ten. There is no Times Square countdown here.

Either way is fine but should be consistent.

Anyways, I really liked this piece and thanks for allowing a review. Nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4240949

Review of SpaceMiners

Review by Chris24

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi there PureSciFi

My name is Chris24

. It was my extreme pleasure to read "SpaceMiners"

and I would like to offer the following review. I was actually extra excited when I ran across this one as a random review because there's so little true scifi on WDC. Anyways, I promise to be kind but honest and provide a positive assessment to help you strengthen your writing proficiency. I’m offering this review as a member of "Invalid Item"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was interesting, perhaps enough to start a longer story. My favorite part was Iziabella's description of her how her father had gone missing.

My favorite sentences was:

‘According to my father’s Writings there was a big bird. I’m not sure what he called it. But it was about twice as big as others birds he had seen. And three times as mean.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I get the story you're trying to tell. You set up a mystery/conflict from the beginning and then convey a readable story.

2. I like the concept of a daughter trying to find her lost father.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I struggled with your description of 'that bird.' There's really not much else in the details about the thing at all. Is it a giant falcon, phoenix, parakeet, penguin, quetzalcoatl? I mean, it makes a difference. I kept picturing the giant sparrow from Disney's A Bugs Life as the story progressed. Does it have a fearsome beak or sharp talons? Is there is a disturbed hunger in it's eyes? Is it an alien or a mutant, or a robot, or on steroids? I think this particular character in your story needs extra attention. Make the reader really fear it. Use colorful words and descriptions to bring that bird to life.

2. Be careful of the excessive use of the word 'that.' For example:

But they finally found that bird. Only that wasn’t the only thing that they found.

As a writer myself, I know it can be very tough to not use the word 'that.' However, I've discovered from my own writing, if you can tell your story without using 'that' at all, it becomes a much more effective story. So, maybe see if you can work some of your sentences over, substituting 'that' for some other narrative descriptor.

3. I was a little distracted by the explanations you gave in the beginning. They seem a little rigid, almost like reading from an encyclopedia. Remember, you're writing a story, so make it conversational. For example:

‘SpaceMiners aren’t miners that mine Space. They are miners that go from planet to planet mining.

Might read better as...

Unlike the popular misconception, ‘SpaceMiners don't work in space. They're miners that go from planet to planet mining, harvesting what they can before moving on to the next world.

And...

But for my fellow SpaceMiners they are going there to mine. There is still some mining that needs to be done one that planet.

The second sentence is unnecessary. If miners are going to the planet, its implied in the first sentence that some mining needs to be done, so it really doesn't need to be said.

4. Relax. Your narrative seems very formal...very rigid. Tell your story like you're talking to a friend or like you're telling a tale to a group of children. Don't be afraid to use conjunctions in your narrative to ease it up a bit. Here are some examples:

They are miners that go from planet to planet mining.

Reads better as...

They're miners that go from planet to planet mining.

And...

My name is Iziabella. And I am on my way to Heagon to find out what really happened to my father. But for my fellow SpaceMiners they are going there to mine.

Reads more fluidly as...

My name's Iziabella and I'm on my way to Heagon to find out what really happened to my father. But for my fellow SpaceMiners, they're going there to mine.

A great tool I use on my own work is to read it out loud. If I sound too much like a robot, I know my story won't capture the reader. Try it out, you might be surprised how much it might help you!

There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider punctuation changes, to improve the flow:

1. Be very careful of fragmented sentences. While it's definitely okay to start some sentences with 'And' or 'But,' its very difficult to pull it off successfully. More often than not, that sentence should have been attached to the previous one. For example:

It took them almost four hours. But they finally found the cave toward the top of that mountain.

Is more correct as...

It took them almost four hours, but they finally found the cave toward the top of that mountain.

And...

‘My name is Iziabella. And I am on my way to Heagon to find out what really happened to my father. But for my fellow SpaceMiners they are going there to mine.

Is more grammatically correct as:

‘My name's Iziabella and I'm on my way to Heagon to find out what really happened to my father. As for my fellow SpaceMiners, they're going there to mine.

Notice how different it reads by combining sentences, converting just a couple of words to conjunctions and changing the 'But' that began the third sentence?

2. Be careful of capitalizing words in the middle of the sentence. Like:

‘SpaceMiners aren’t miners that mine Space.

And...

But he didn’t stop from mining the Kalgian there.

Capitalization only needs to be used, as a general rule, at the beginning of a sentence or for a name or title. So, Utah, Steve, King George, would be capitalized. The words indicated here, really don't need to be.

Anyways, I think your story here has the great beginnings for a larger work. With a little spit and polish, it could be fantastic! Thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4237490

Review of Earth Force Rising

Review by Chris24

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi there Tsa~House Greyjoy

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Earth Force Rising"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was very good. My favorite part was your description of your scenes. You're able to effectively convey a descriptive setting without being too wordy. Good job!

My favorite sentence was:

The dark queen had pursued them across the world and back just so she could eradicate anyone who opposed her.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. The flow of your piece is very nice. I think you have a comfortable writing style that makes for an easy read.

2. I like how you were able to set the scene well without getting overly complicated.

3. I enjoyed your use of new fantasy terms: brammyback bushes, warthorse, hayberry bed.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. Early in the story, you refer to your character as Hatie. Then later as Haiti. I'm not sure which is correct. That being said, I struggled with either version of the name. Hatie almost seems to be a derivation of 'hate' which didn't seem to fit the character. And Haiti is a tropical island in the Caribbean (also a little distracting). Perhaps you may want to consider 'Hadie', instead?

2. The term 'Elderwoman' was a stumbling block for me. It seems like it should be a title rather than a name. If that's the case, then I think 'the Elderwoman' would be more appropriate. If it is indeed her name, it seems a little awkward.

I really didn't notice much in the way of overt grammatical errors. Your piece generally flows nicely and you don't have any problems with run-on or fragmented sentences.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4237211

Review of Eclipse's Change Part Two: Recruitment

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi there RBM5

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Eclipse's Change Part Two: Recruitment "

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was good. My favorite part was the twist at the end where Eclipse converted all the animals in to black aliens. It was kind of disgusting

but effective.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I think your premise is good here and the story is interesting.

2. I liked the ending.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. My biggest stumbling block with this particular piece is that it's all one paragraph. By putting the story into one paragraph it makes for a more difficult read and your ideas become more jumbled, especially in the WDC format. I'd recommend breaking up your work so it flows better and is easier to read. Specifically, a new paragraph should be used any time there's a change in idea, dialogue, or perspective. Such as:

The former male Black Alien now, Eclipse the Darkling, returned to her escape pod and began to work on her ship as it soon was able to go into the air. As Eclipse flew over to her wanted destination she noticed the Black Wisps hiding in the back, they were afraid of the new figure before them and wondered who was taking them away from their father figure. "Children it's me Eclipse, you will know soon why I have taken this new form but we do not have time right now to do so, when we land I want you to stay here while I take care of some business."

Left in wonder the Wisps looked to each to see if any of their own believed the Darkling's words as she parked the craft in a small clearing surrounded by trees. The alien was quick to hop out of the ship and without much effort changed back into his normal form as he ran over to what he was searching for: the HQ of the area's Egg Boss. The Doctor was dangerous enough that he was able to keep fighting all of the planet's heroes with his mind alone for many years, if Eclipse could obtain him to his side he may be able to take the planet much easier.

Getting inside of the HQ wasn't difficult as it seemed there was some sort of recent attack that took place there, once inside Eclipse went into the air vent and made his way to the control room of the building (which took awhile to find) where he saw a lynx and some rodent arguing in front of a computer. "Seems like that rodent failed to take this place from a few heroes...how pathetic!" Eclipse muttered to himself as he awaited the two to leave the room which seemed forever for them to do so.

With the coast clear Eclipse knocked open the air vent panel and ran over to the main computer. Using hacking abilities he learned from going into Shadow's mind Eclipse found it easy to override the computer's systems as he now gained control over all machines that ran in the base. With them under his command they began rounding up all organic life in the base and sealed them inside of what appeared to be a dining area. Eclipse smiled as he made his way there, only stopping to find a robot that could make him a suitable outfit for his female form which he took on before entering the dining hall.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Exclaimed the lynx who happened to be Conquering Storm said as she ran toward Eclipse who wore an Eggman style outfit that had the colors of black and red.

"Foolish Mobian, how dare you attack your leader!" Eclipse yelled as she grabbed the fist of Storm as she attempted to punch Eclipse who in shock of those watching pulled Storm to her face and kissed her, a black liquid being released from her mouth and into Storm's.

The lynx began to flail and gag in an attempt to get the liquid out of her mouth as it only spread across her face, a few onlookers ran over to help her as they grabbed onto her face but only discovered that the liquid was all over their hands and was spreading at a terrifying pace. Soon all of those whom had liquid on their bodies were covered as their bodies began to melt into a simple black puddle, onlookers all shaking as they watched.

"Oh the scariest part is just starting Mobians." A sinister smile grew on Eclipse's face as the puddles began to take the shape of who they used to be but with a twist: they all were now female Black Aliens. "Ladies, make the crowd join you." The crowd then began to run in all different directions as the newly converted aliens ran on all four toward them. Satisfied Eclipse turned and left through the main entrance which several robots guarded to be sure no Mobian escaped the room, this would only be the beginning...

2. Be careful of your use of periods and commas. Remember that a period is used at the end of the sentence and a comma should be used during any pauses in the sentence. Watch your sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences. Remember, when you finish an idea, you're better off with a period than a comma. For example:

The Doctor was dangerous enough that he was able to keep fighting all of the planet's heroes with his mind alone for many years, if Eclipse could obtain him to his side he may be able to take the planet much easier.

would probably read better as:

The Doctor was dangerous enough that he was able to keep fighting all of the planet's heroes with his mind alone for many years. If Eclipse could obtain him to his side he may be able to take the planet much easier.

And...

Getting inside of the HQ wasn't difficult as it seemed there was some sort of recent attack that took place there, once inside Eclipse went into the air vent and made his way to the control room of the building (which took awhile to find) where he saw a lynx and some rodent arguing in front of a computer.

Would read better as...

Getting inside of the HQ wasn't difficult as it seemed there was some sort of recent attack that took place there. Once inside, Eclipse went into the air vent and made his way to the control room of the building (which took awhile to find) where he saw a lynx and some rodent arguing in front of a computer.

3. Cut back on the use of a couple of frequently used words. As a writer, I struggle with this myself. Especially decrease the use of 'that' and 'seems' and 'began to'. These words can easily become repetitive. Figure out alternative ways to convey your message without them and you'll have a more interesting sentence.

4. I was under the impression that Eclipse was a female from the beginning and that she was formerly male.

The former male Black Alien now, Eclipse the Darkling, returned to her escape pod and began to work on her ship as it soon was able to go into the air.

So, this sentence confused me:

Using hacking abilities he learned from going into Shadow's mind Eclipse found it easy to override the computer's systems as he now gained control over all machines that ran in the base.

There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider punctuation changes, to improve the flow:

1. Unless there's a name directly after the dialogue to describe who's speaking, you don't need to capitalize the next word after the quotation. You really only need to use capitalization if it's a name, title, or the beginning of a new sentence. For example:

"What is the meaning of this?!" Exclaimed the lynx who happened to be Conquering Storm said as she ran toward Eclipse who wore an Eggman style outfit that had the colors of black and red.

Should be:

"What is the meaning of this?!" exclaimed the lynx who happened to be Conquering Storm said as she ran toward Eclipse who wore an Eggman style outfit that had the colors of black and red.

2. Again, watch your use of periods and commas. Make sure your sentence isn't actually two separate ones.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4236059

Review of Alverad's Adventure

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there TehKnuck

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Alverad's Adventure"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was excellent! My favorite part was the twist toward the middle of the story where Alverad's reality turned out to just be a daydream.

My favorite sentence was:

Alverad roared, struggling in vain against the magical tendrils that had ensnared him, ever-defiant, even in the face of impending doom.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. Your writing style is very good and you seem very comfortable in your tale. Your piece flows very well and there are few, if any, stumbling blocks in the story.

2. You have a knack for setting the scene and your detail is rich and vivid.

3. Your dialogue is extremely natural and added to the story.

4. I think you set up your conflict well and established believable characters.

I really didn't have too many areas that I struggled with and there were really not any overt grammatical errors I could detect.

Overall, I think this is the start of a great book! Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4236046

Review of God's Memorys Act 4 - Aftermath

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi there match

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "God's Memorys Act 4 - Aftermath"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was very interesting and your had a few pretty clever ideas here. I liked the idea of having an emotional connection to a weapon that materializes when you feel strongly enough...an excellent concept.

My favorite sentence was:

Cam had often thought of telling Alec about who she really is, a devil adopted by angels which she betrayed to work for the devils.

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I think the overall battle/weapon concept here is good.

2. I think you also establish a nice sense of conflict in this piece.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. You used the names Alec and Glen and I inferred them to be female from the story. That being said, at least here in the U.S., both Alec and Glen are male names (ex. - Alec Baldwin, Glen Campbell). It can be a little confusing. So, if you did intend for these characters to be female, you may want to reconsider their names if you're writing for an international audience.

2. Watch out about being unnecessarily wordy and don't be afraid to use conjunctions more. Make your sentences more complex by combining two shorter sentences into a longer flowing, more elaborate one. Also, explore using more colorful words and descriptors. For example:

The tall woman stood tall at six foot, two. Her ruby red hair hung down only to her shoulders, her lightly tanned skin shone in the light of the facilities bright wall lights.

With conjunctions may read better as:

The woman stood tall at six foot two, with ruby red hair that hung down only to her shoulders and lightly tanned skin which shone in the light of the facilities bright wall lights.

Then, consider using more elaborate verbage, like:

The slender woman was quite tall, over six feet, with flowing ruby red hair that covered her shoulders, her lightly tanned skin shimmering in the illumination of the facility's bright lights.

Notice, I changed one of the words (facility) and eliminated the repetition of the word 'tall'.

3. I'm sure when you were talking about the devil in this piece you meant 'Satan' not satin. While Satan is the name of the devil (and should be capitalized in that regard), satin is a luxurious material used for bed linens.

4. If your intention was to frame your work in a series of acts, I would consider changing the structure of this area:

Act 3 - Aftermath

In heaven Sergeant Forge writes in his journal only a day before his death. "Dear diary, Sergeant Forge of resource collection group C here. Me and my squad are off on another mission tomorrow so I thought I'd write a few lines before hand. We've been warned of strange sightings in the area but I doubt its anything dangerous.

I often wonder what satin says to convince angels to betray God and follow him, after all, God saves souls and gives them the choice to live in peace in heaven. Where as from what I've heard Satin forces the soul's of humans he kidnaps to become his soldiers whether they like it or not.

Well thinking about it won't get me anywhere, time I get some sleep"~

May read better as:

Act 3 - Aftermath

In heaven Sergeant Forge writes in his journal, only a day before his death:

"Dear diary, Sergeant Forge of resource collection group C here. My squad and I are off on another mission tomorrow so I thought I'd write a few lines before hand. We've been warned of strange sightings in the area but I doubt its anything dangerous.

I often wonder what Satan says to convince angels to betray God and follow him. After all, God saves souls and gives them the choice to live in peace in heaven. Where as from what I've heard, Satan forces the souls of humans he kidnaps to become his soldiers, whether they like it or not.

Well, thinking about it won't get me anywhere. Time I get some sleep"~

4. While using more elaborate language is generally a good thing, be careful of being too wordy. I think in this piece, there are some areas where you can actually trim the fat a little bit and condense the piece down a little by eliminating any repetitive ideas or unnecessary elements that don't move the story along. As a writer myself, I know letting go of some words may be the one of the hardest parts of finishing your piece.

5. Don't lose your narrative. Your story definitely reads best as a narration...storytelling. Some of your tale is to descriptive, making it read more like a screenplay than a tale. Relax your tale a bit from the storyteller's perspective. Make it more conversational and less rigid. If you can you that effectively, you'll have an excellent piece here.

There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider punctuation changes, to improve the flow:

1. Be very careful and conscious about period and comma placement. Periods should be used to end a sentence and commas should be used when there is a pause in the narrative, such as a change in the direction of the sentence. Take the previous example, for example:

I often wonder what satin says to convince angels to betray God and follow him, after all, God saves souls and gives them the choice to live in peace in heaven. Where as from what I've heard Satin forces the soul's of humans he kidnaps to become his soldiers whether they like it or not.

Well thinking about it won't get me anywhere, time I get some sleep"~

Reads differently with changes in commas and periods:

I often wonder what Satan says to convince angels to betray God and follow him. After all, God saves souls and gives them the choice to live in peace in heaven. Where as from what I've heard, Satan forces the souls of humans he kidnaps to become his soldiers, whether they like it or not.

Well, thinking about it won't get me anywhere. Time I get some sleep"~

2. Avoid word repetition, if possible. For example:

This human doesn't deserve to die for what happened back then" she said to herself quietly. She let go of Match's hand. She felt embarrassed as she picked her gun back up and put it away. She headed downstairs back to her comrades and apologised for how she'd acted. She felt like a cliché. The girl who wants to escape her past, "but" she thought to herself, "at least I know now that given the choice I wouldn't pull the trigger". She smiled ....

Pronouns can be tricky because their such a generalized way of referring to the character. The problem is, after a while, the reader forgets who you were talking about. Consider injecting the character's name back into one or a couple of these sentences (without getting repetitive

), or consider some other descriptors for your character other than "she".

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4234421

Review of CHAOS

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Anthony viola

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "CHAOS"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was excellent!

My favorite stanza was the last one:

OLD MEN CRY AND OLD MEN DIE

ITS THE ONES WHO SIN THAT STAY ALIVE

Here is the biggest strength I found in this piece:

1. It's short and too the point. No elaboration is needed to make this a nice work.

There were no real grammatical errors that I could see, though some of the rhyming could be tightened up just a bit. That could be solved by something as simple as word choices (thesaurus), without affecting the message of the piece.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4218814

Review of Intro to The Essence Queen

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Donnie Darko

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Intro to The Essence Queen"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece has an interesting concept and could potentially provide a sound basis for a good fantasy story. My favorite part was your reference to the Essence Queen as "The Knife" and her surrogate as "The Scabbard."

My favorite sentence was:

A determined warcheif has made a claim to become king. Normally, this type of thing would have been dealt with by the current king, if the warchief didn't have the Cyprian Order on his side.....

The strongest parts of this piece were:

1. Your concept is interesting. I like the idea of the king ruling the land but the true power rests with the Essence Queen.

2. I also like your concept of the Essence Queen and Cyprian Order.

3. I like your introduction, as if you're telling a tale.

There were a couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I'm still a little unclear of how the Essence Queen is selected. Is the new one the daughter of the current Essence Queen? In your piece, you write:

The Essence Queen is selected by handpicked suitors for the current queen, and only daughters become successors.

If, indeed, the next essence queen is the daughter of the previous one, you may do well to capitalize "queen" to clarify that. So:

The Essence Queen is selected by handpicked suitors for the current Queen, and only daughters become successors.

2. I was still a little unclear on the role of the Cyprian Order in the story. This section was a little unclear:

The leader of the Cyprian Order is the representative to the Essence Queen, and their commander. If any blessings are to happen, public appearances or visits, they go through him. The leader is known as "The Scabbard".
The Order swears loyalty to the Scabbard, and the Scabbard swears his loyalty to the Essence Queen.

It may read better as:

The leader and commander of the Cyprian Order is referred to as "The Scabbard," the true representative of the Essence Queen. If she is to make any blessings, public appearances, or visits, they go through him.
The Order swears loyalty to The Scabbard, and The Scabbard swears his loyalty to the Essence Queen.

3. You describe the Essence Queen as a "cultist madwoman." Why? How is she mad? What is she guilty of?

I like to help a writer with some editing to help improve the readability of the piece and help them convey their story better. There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider wording or punctuation changes, to improve the flow. I've listed a few suggestions for sentence corrections here:

1. The Essence Queen is based on a myth since the creation of life itself.

There seems to be something missing here. It might flow better as:

The Essence Queen is based on a myth that's been around since the creation of life itself.

2. She is the one bestowed onto the planet to maintain order, peace and to guide mankind into their destiny.

This section sounds a little sci-fi for a fantasy piece. Maybe consider:

She is the one bestowed to our world and tasked with maintaining order, peace, and guiding mankind toward their destiny.

3. Once mankind developed a society, they elected kings to lead the world.

Perhaps a more interesting synonym here? Something that explains a tale being told?

Long ago, mankind developed a society and elected kings to lead the world.

4. Missing a period here:

Informally, the Essence Queen is known as "The Knife"

5. No-one knows their history, but their relationship with the Essence Queen is the closest and most important one there is.

"No one" should be corrected.

6. Regarded in the same light as celebrity's, the Cyprian Order protects the Queen and her interests, but only her.

Correct to celebrities.

7. Bloodline does not matter, but rather someone's spirit.

A contraction here may sound a little more smooth: "doesn't"

8. This is a fragmented sentence:

The very force that the Essence Queen is.

9. Normally, this type of thing would have been dealt with by the current king, if the warcheif didn't have the Cyprian Order on his side.....

Stay consistent with your trailing periods at the end and eliminate the last two. I believe that three is the standard if you're trailing off in a sentence.

And, correct the spelling of warchief.

10. Watch your paragraph spacing. There's a bit of inconsistency there, which can happen when pasting to this format.

Anyways, it's a good beginning. Thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4217231

Review of Surviving Perio

Review by Chris24

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi there Paige Crapenter

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read "Surviving Perio"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

, so feel free to check us out!

I noticed that you're new to WDC, so welcome! I also notice that you just wrote this piece so its probably a work in progress.

Overall, I thought this piece was a good start. As a sci/fi fantasy writer myself, I can really appreciate your work. My favorite part was actually the introduction. I thought that you set your story up well from the start and it was good to get some sort of an idea where you're going with your story right off the bat.

My favorite sentence was:

"We were dedicated to help find a planet suitable for life if Earth ever became un-livable." (Though unlivable is more appropriate)

Your biggest strength in this piece is your premise, which should provide for an interesting story, once complete. Also, choosing to space your paragraphs makes for an easier read.

Now, because I'm reviewing this piece I'll provide some very friendly suggestions to make it rock. There were couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. Watch your descriptors and don't be afraid to choose strong words. I love thesaurus.com and the choices of words can make all the difference between a good and a great piece. In the intro:

"When I was little, I never dreamed that I would be running away from a horrible animal on an un-explored planet."

Here's just an example of what I mean and how you can write the same sentence with stronger terms:

"When I was just a kid, I never dreamed that I'd be desperately fleeing from a horrible, otherworldy beast on an alien planet."

2. The "Emergency Planet Astronomer Organization or the EPAO" sounded a little too manufactured and a bit plain. Maybe try to spice it up a bit by using more complex terms like - Emergency Planetary Astrocartography Organization. Or try changing to an acronym that's also a word.

3. But watch out about getting too descriptive. For example:

"...trunk of my blue Ford F-150 and hopped into the drivers seat."

The fact that she has a blue Ford F-150 is not really relevant to the story, so is not really necessary. Also, an F-150 is a pick-up, so it doesn't have a trunk. You could just say:

"I finished packing and tossed my bags into the back of my truck and took off at full speed."

4. Enlarge your chapter titles. So the font for "Introduction" and "Chapter 1, Chosen" become be bigger.

5. Relax.

Your writing is a little tense. Let your ideas flow naturally.

There weren't too many punctuation errors, at least nothing that really took away from your story:

1. There is an extra space after the first paragraph of chapter one.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! If you'd ever like some advice or want to bounce a few ideas around, I'm happy to help. And, feel free to check out my portfolio if you'd like. I've got quite a few sci/fi and fantasy things in there that you're welcome to read! Maybe they'll give you some ideas. Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4215971

Review of Fractured Reality (v2; Chapter 1)

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Mister Suede

Per your invitation, I decided to check out "Fractured Reality (v2; Chapter 1)"

.

I have to say that your writing here is excellent! It's very smooth and you seem comfortable with your prose. For sure, this story is a drastic departure from version 1. Your dialogue is natural and your structuring is sound. I also think that use of a strong female protagonist is a good idea (particularly if you are considering traditional publishing).

With that being said, I have some suggestions that may help fine-tune your piece:

1. Consider including an extra space between paragraphs for this format. It makes for an easier read.

2. I still think maybe a stronger conflict may be necessary in the beginning to truly capture the reader. I think there needs to be a reason to really root for your protagonist from the start: an epic battle, traumatic memory, or tragic personal struggle. Give the reader a reason to hope/cheer/rally/cry/sympathize with your character at the outset.

3. With the complete change of story, your scifi elements have been lost in this newer version, which I definitely thought was a strength from the previous version. Most sci-fi and fantasy authors write one or the other but not both together. They're rarely combined, which I thought your were able to do effectively and made your story unique. Maybe reconsider making the training dummy a robot or have you chosen to abandon the scifi aspect of the piece altogether?

4. There were a few areas where reconsidering certain language would strengthen the story but I know this is a work in progress and will leave those changes up to your editing. I won't nitpick. The overall flow is actually excellent.

Anyways, thanks again for allowing a review of your work. You definitely have a knack for writing.

Have an awesome day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4215642

Review of Fractured Reality

Review by Chris24

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there Mister Suede

My name is Chris24

. It was my pleasure to read Fractured Reality and I would like to offer the following review. I promise to be kind but honest and provide a positive assessment to help you strengthen your writing proficiency. I’m a member of "Invalid Item"

and the "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

so, if you haven't already, feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was compelling. I definitely enjoyed the mixing of fantasy and science fiction elements, more so because one of my manuscripts also combines both elements along a much different story line. My favorite part was the trip to the compound. There's a lot of emotion there, which draws the reader in and makes you sympathetic for your protagonist.

My favorite line was : "There was war on that face."

Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. I think your concept is excellent. That drew me in the most. I was particularly interested once you started talking about Project Onyx.

2. You do a good job of character development. I generally get a very clear picture of your characters from your writing.

3. Your writing style is solid and comfortable. It was very easy to read your work with little distraction or complication.

There is one suggestion that I had, and I only offer this based on my experience querying and dealing with agent feedback. I'll be totally honest that I'm still looking for an agent, but I've learned quite a bit from my own querying process in the same genre. It was very tough for me to change in my own writing but I began to get more positive feedback once I made this change. You may want to consider beginning your story with some sort of immersive scene that draws you in. Maybe begin with a battle that flashes back to the beginning. The general consensus I've gotten with my own writing is that you want to 'capture your reader with a compelling story from the beginning.' I know this may be tough to incorporate, especially after the manuscript is written. It was very hard for me, to be sure. But I think my manuscripts were better for the change. Consider giving your character some sort of immediate struggle or conflict, perhaps a troubled past or maybe begin by talking about how your character struggles with the loss of his father. Maybe he daydreams of how his father died in a glorious battle. This would also allow you to introduce at least the idea of your antagonists, even if your don't go into a lot of description. Anyways, its just very friendly suggestion.

There were couple of areas that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to them will make your work that much better. The following is a list of possible suggestions to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. I know that the reason the humans were able to survive was because of a time machine, of sorts but you write that the humans escaped to "New Earth." Did they travel into the future or the past? I was under the impression that it allowed them to travel to a different reality. Or, did they travel to a different planet altogether? Anyways some clarification here might help.

2. The concept of "the locals" was a little vague. Are the locals human? How did they respond to a bunch of new colonists just showing up? Is there any animosity there? How have the "locals" survived with the presence of these magic users, when a fully armed military cannot?

There was really only one grammatical area and one sentence that was a little distracting, or areas where you may want to consider stylistic changes, to improve the flow:

1. You may want to consider combining/condensing paragraphs. For example:

“You’d be smart to keep your mouth shut, Parson. You know as well as I do that the Coalition wouldn’t take too kindly to anyone denying them their soldiers,” said the man, holding up a hand to silence him. His mouth stretched into a fine line.

The entire room, as well as Parson, immediately became silent. Even Browndon, who now stood nursing his nose, was quiet. The man looked around the room quietly, nodded, and then took out a holopad and peered at it.

“Turner, Matthew,” he said, his voice gravely and rough. My entire class turned to stare at me, but I sat still as a stone and said absolutely nothing. Surely there was some mistake – The Coalition couldn’t be asking for me, could they?

His lips turned down into a frown, and he stared at me from across the room.

“Speak when addressed, son. I ain’t got all day.”

might read better as:

“You’d be smart to keep your mouth shut, Parson. You know as well as I do that the Coalition wouldn’t take too kindly to anyone denying them their soldiers,” said the man, holding up a hand to silence him. His mouth stretched into a fine line. The entire room, as well as Parson, immediately became silent. Even Browndon, who now stood nursing his nose, was quiet. The man looked around the room quietly, nodded, and then took out a holopad and peered at it. “Turner, Matthew,” he said, his voice gravely and rough. My entire class turned to stare at me, but I sat still as a stone and said absolutely nothing. Surely there was some mistake – The Coalition couldn’t be asking for me, could they? His lips turned down into a frown, and he stared at me from across the room. “Speak when addressed, son. I ain’t got all day.”

Because these separate paragraphs are all dialogue of the same person, consider condensing the paragraphs. A paragraph change is appropriate when changing speakers or if the idea conveyed is dramatically changing. I don't think it's necessary to change paragraphs for every change of reference, mannerism, or emotion. I'm sure you get the idea.

2. “Project whatnow?” This sentence just doesn't sound like something a kid would say.

Anyways, your story is an interesting concept and I would definitely be interested in reading more. Thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4215313

Review of An Elven Life

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Rosy Fluff!

It was my pleasure to read "An Elven Life"

, so feel free to check us out!

Overall, I thought this piece was very fun. My favorite part was the reflection in the mirror. I particularly liked your descriptive elements.
Here is a list of the strengths I found in this piece:

1. You clearly visually define your character(s).
2. Your dialogue seemed very natural.
3. I was able to get a good feel for the setting through your story, without the need for excessive detail.
4. Your piece was very positive and fun.

There was one area that I struggled with and, hopefully, drawing your attention to it will make your work that much better. The following a possible suggestion to help improve the flow of your piece:

1. There seems to be some confusion about which tense you are writing in. Some of it seems written in past tense:

"Then, I remembered, today was the going to be the best day ever, my twin and I, were going to officially become the royal princesses."

But then, certain parts are written in present tense:

"Our kingdom is elvish and today we are turning thirteen!"

I would suggest sticking with past tense, so it doesn't sound like your reading from a screenplay. Maybe tell your story as if your telling a tale that already happened.

There were a few grammatical errors, or areas where you may want to consider punctuation changes, to improve the flow Here are a couple of examples:

1. "I woke up with a welcoming ray of sunshine on my face, ah, what a fine morning!"

This is a run-on sentence that would read better as:

"I woke up with a welcoming ray of sunshine on my face. Ah, what a fine morning!

2. "Then, I remembered, today was the going to be the best day ever, my twin and I, were going to officially become the royal princesses."

There is an unnecessary comma that interrupts the flow and another run-on sentence. Try:

"Then, I remembered today was the going to be the best day ever! My twin and I were going to officially become the royal princesses."

3. Etc. (I'm sure you get the idea!

)

A good hint is to review your sentences aloud to make sure they sound natural. Remember that a period ends a sentence while a comma only pauses it. I know that the use of commas can be tricky business. There is a temptation to use them a lot in an attempt to add emotion to your piece. Sometimes, however, they just become a stumbling block, making your flow seem awkward. So, use them sparingly.

Anyways, thanks for allowing a review of this piece and nicely done! Keep writing!

Have a great day!

Chris24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4189921

Review of Man vs. Metal

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I really liked the style of this piece. I'm generally not a huge fan of writing in present tense (maybe because it too often sounds more like a screenplay than a short story), but it really works here. I also thought it was a nice ending because you really have no idea what the heck he's fighting with. The fact that it's a load of bananas added a needed comical element to the end. I also have to say that seeing your particular style, and how effective it is, has helped my own. Maybe I'll have to try a more stylistic writing style in the future. :)

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4179890

Review of Fool's Price

Review by Chris24

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Overall, I think your story was solid and entertaining. You were looking for some constructive suggestions, so here goes.

1. Try to avoid fragmented sentences:

Mr. Crow walked up to the gates of Ashbrook Academy of the Arts from summer break. His trunk bobbing along behind him with its magic symbol shining faintly above it.

to...

Mr. Crow walked up to the gates of Ashbrook Academy of the Arts from summer break, his trunk bobbing along behind him with its magic symbol shining faintly above it.

and...

His room was cozy by his standards. A nice fireplace that was well used, but clean. Two overstuffed chairs in front of it, one for him and the other for the company he entertained.

to...

His room was cozy by his standards, with a nice fireplace that was well used but clean flanked by two overstuffed chairs, one for him and the other for the company he entertained.

2. Try to avoid beginning subsequent sentences the same way (example):

He hefted the trunk onto the bed and grunted a little. He panted a little with his hands on top of the worn and cracked leather lid. He patted it and memories rose to the surface as he brushed across familiar nicks and scratches.

to...

He hefted the trunk onto the bed and grunted a little. The old man panted a little with his hands on top of the worn and cracked leather lid. He patted it and memories rose to the surface as he brushed across familiar nicks and scratches.

but also avoid using the name too much in subsequent order...

Mr. Crow droned on and on about the complexity of magic rules and so on. The students ranged from those entirely enthralled, taking notes, hanging on every monotone word, to those falling asleep. Grant was one of those students who managed to fall asleep in his seat. He was the oldest student in the class at the age of seventeen. Mr. Crow’s only frustration in life. Most of the students took the class in their first year, but Grant couldn’t grasp the concepts, or he disregarded them. As Mr. Crow caught on that Grant was no longer awake he responded by slamming the book he was reading out of on to the podium. Grant didn’t stir. Mr. Crow frowned at first then smiled a little bit.

to...

Mr. Crow droned on and on about the complexity of magic rules and so on. The students ranged from those entirely enthralled, taking notes, hanging on every monotone word, to those falling asleep. Grant was one of those students who managed to fall asleep in his seat. He was the oldest student in the class at the age of seventeen, the aged instructor's only frustration in life. Most of the students took the class in their first year, but Grant couldn’t grasp the concepts, or he disregarded them. Upon discovering Grant was no longer awake Mr. Crow responded by slamming the book he was reading out of onto the podium. Grant didn’t stir. The old professor frowned at first then smiled a little bit.

Maybe use one of the following descriptive pronouns in place of Mr. Crow:
the old man
the professor
the instructor
the wise academic
the elderly man
the experienced teacher

I did find it interesting that you changed from Mr. Crow in the beginning of the story to just Crow toward the end. I think varying the name is a good idea.

3. Consider combining condensing paragraphs, especially when the dialogue is continuing (being spoken by the same person):

“Very good. I’m glad someone pays attention in my class. Now, shall we play a little trick on Grant?”

Mr. Crow stood up slowly and walked back to the front of the classroom with a wide grin. The students sat in their desks dumbfounded. Slowly, some nodded, then more joined in, until they all bobbed agreement. Though none held a mischievous smile or glint in their eyes.

“Good.”

to...

“Very good. I’m glad someone pays attention in my class. Now, shall we play a little trick on Grant?” Mr. Crow stood up slowly and walked back to the front of the classroom with a wide grin. The students sat in their desks dumbfounded. Slowly, some nodded, then more joined in, until they all bobbed agreement. Though none held a mischievous smile or glint in their eyes. “Good.”

5. Evaluate some of your words to see if there is a stronger alternative:

Just as he got to the door, the jam jars at the table shot their contents all over the teachers at the table. Some laughed, but the others either screamed or seethed silently at him.

to...

Just as he got to the door, the jam jars at the table exploded, blasting their contents all over the teachers at the table. Some laughed, but the others either screamed or seethed silently at him.

6. Word repetition is definitely something to avoid:

Mr. Crow: Mr. Crow droned on and on about the complexity of magic rules and so on. The students ranged from those entirely enthralled, taking notes, hanging on every monotone word, to those falling asleep. Grant was one of those students who managed to fall asleep in his seat. He was the oldest student in the class at the age of seventeen. Mr. Crow’s only frustration in life. Most of the students took the class in their first year, but Grant couldn’t grasp the concepts, or he disregarded them. As Mr. Crow caught on that Grant was no longer awake he responded by slamming the book he was reading out of on to the podium. Grant didn’t stir. Mr. Crow frowned at first then smiled a little bit.

Crow: Crow carried on as predicted and asked the class again if they should play another prank on Grant. With a resounding yes and Crow’s stifled monotone chuckle, he crept up to the waiting Grant. As Grant guessed that Crow was in front of his desk, readying his spell, Grant leapt up and shouted his spell insanely at Crow. The power words clung to the air in sickly green and black distorted shapes. They buzzed and swarmed towards Crow like deranged hornets until they struck. Crow let out a surprised gasp then crumpled to the floor coughing and then retched. A black beak poked out of his mouth and emitted a low caw. As the spasms continued more of the bird convulsed out of Crow’s mouth, until, with one last spasm, the crow slopped out of his mouth to land with a squishy thud on the floor. The spit soaked crow twitched slightly on the floor until it opened one black eye and emitted a faint caw again. Crow looked at it in horror. The crow began to stir more and the black eyes glowed more and more with an inner red light that pulsed stronger by the second.

(Maybe use the words blackbird or raven instead)

flared: Every time he saw himself in the mirror his anger flared, burning hotter and deeper until he couldn’t think of anything else but seeking revenge against Crow. His anger flared more when he thought about how Crow didn’t listen to the other teachers.

Overall, the story is very good and I found it very interesting. With just a few tweaks here and there, this could be a perfect short story. I think it's nicely done! Keep writing!

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4173437

Review of Firstborn, Intro v2

Review by Chris24

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I suppose I appreciated this particular story more because I also write sci-fi/fantasy. Yours is a very compelling look, though slightly dark, at cross breeding alien races. It raises ethical questions and definitely places you within the mind of the Doctor. The piece is well written and I have a few very friendly suggestions that you may want to consider:

1. Find some other creative description for the doctor, maybe give him a name. The terms "the Doctor" or "He" becomes very repetitive and takes away from the story. You could also use other descriptions like "the fiend" or "the mastermind" or "the scientist"...etc.

2. Many of the sentences are very short and you may benefit from using conjunctions like and, while, or but.

For example (Direct Text): The first out was a four-limbed creature. He wasn’t sure what it would look like, the eight species he had combined to create these were very different. It looked much like a Tual or a Human. The skin was a ruddy color, eyes weren’t open yet. He handed it over to the assistant for weight and measure and reached for the next one. He continued this process until he reached the unviable one. The assistant tagged it and placed it in order for records. The Doctor reached for the last few. He worked first on the two that didn’t look like they’d make it before inspecting his new creations. He managed to save one of them. He had the assistant prepare the two dead for storage; he’d have plenty of time to dissect them later when he’d figured out what exactly he’d made.

For example (Modified Text): The first out was a four-limbed creature. He wasn’t sure what it would look like, for the eight species he had combined to create these were very different. It looked much like a Tual or a Human, because the skin was a ruddy color,though the eyes weren’t open yet. He handed it over to the assistant for weight and measure, then reached for the next one and continued this process until he reached the unviable one. The assistant tagged it and placed it in order for records. The Doctor reached for the last few and began work on the pair that didn’t look like they’d make it before inspecting his new creations. He managed to save one of them and had the assistant prepare the two dead for storage. He’d have plenty of time to dissect them later when he’d figured out what exactly he’d made.

Anyways, just some friendly suggestions. It was really intriguing otherwise. Nicely done!

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