I think that for lyrics this could be a hit dark rock song. I can almost hear the guitar solo tearing through the background. The only thing is you are short one more verse for the chorus. The two verses that start with "I can't" are perfect for a chorus and I love the way they evolve the monster from getting stronger to then being full grown. I say you are short because I feel like there should be more, not in a bad way but in the "I want more ice cream" sort of way.
emotional lyrics/poems and other pieces that dig into the darker places in the soul are hard not to get right if you are honest about the raw emotion. I think you have been honest and I can feel deep emotions in this. So, I don't mean to commercialize the critique but if this was going to be the next hit song it would need the repeating and evolving chorus to be an anchor and in this case also to help build to the main theme of the demon.
Moving the first "I can't" verse down and inserting a new "I can't" verse talking about the birth of the monster in the mind or heart would finish this off nicely. Then "it" (the monster) could be born, get stronger and be full grown before leave me with nothing. This gives a life-cycle for the monster isolated to the chorus.
Just a thought, pure opinion, and nothing more. The emotion and gravity of your writing is clear and can stand as is, needing nothing.
I think you have a solid poem, the flow is good and the rhyme does not feel forced. Only one line made me stop and question the connection with the rest of the verse. Line 16 that ends in "heat that warms" did not connect for me with the crying mother or the storm of life she is making or going through. Overall I think you did give me an interesting diverse feeling behind the use of the word Mother. The last verse is the best/worst. Best because it is just like a woman to turn on you all of the sudden and worst because it is so different from the rest of the sad/melancholy flow of the other verses.
The piece also in my opinion speaks more about the character narrating than about the mother because it is spoken through their jaded perspective of Mother and not just cold facts about Mother. Just a thought.
This letter reminded me of the old joke: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
The things I liked:
This is a well written and witty piece. Even though I was able to tell where the story was going earlier than halfway though, it still mad me laugh as you lead me down the trail of dam things. I also like the casual way the piece was written. This gives you the sense that the writer of the letter really is board out of their mind in jail with nothing else to do. I also like the way this letter makes me wonder why he was turn down the first time he asked for help.
The things I disliked:
I will be nit-picky just because there is nothing big that sticks out at me. I don’t think it was necessary to include the character’s thought bubble.
“This is going to make an interesting conversation piece later on, I thought.”
Because it breaks the flow of his ramblings and I think that anything that takes you away from the building tension in his writing is unnecessary. But like I said this is small as the thought bubble comes before the traffic ticket and therefore before his frustration really begins to build.
Again, I got a good laugh out of this and for that I thank you.
“I quickly forgot her and the bananas at breakfast, getting caught up in…”
I like the way you jump through the story in time by skipping over small meaningless details. I think this helps to show a very busy business man who is on the move. The story is given from the first person in the voice of remembering the events aloud. The mind is a funny thing and in this case it seems like your own traveling experience has helped you to speak in the broken “not the full story” way that most travelers tell others about their adventures.
The things I disliked:
While I love the overall point of view that you tell the story from, I did not care for the way the main character uses words. His storytelling narrative (in my opinion) should use more common speech patterns much like his normal dialogue would. While an outside "narrator" might use big words and flashy speech, I don’t think the main character would. Look at these examples to see what I mean.
Instead of: “Though intrigued, I quickly forgot her and the bananas at breakfast, getting caught up in a flurry of activities at the workplace.”
Try something like: I was intrigued at the time but forgot all about the woman once I saw the mountain of paperwork waiting for me.
Instead of: “My superiors severely reprimanded my conduct, blaming it on my naivety and inexperience. I had vowed to never listen to my heart again.”
Try something like: I was in hot water with the boss but got off with a warning about “not trusting every bleeding heart out there”. I kicked myself for being naive and tried not listening to my heart after that. After all, it’s just business.
I think you should think of his narrative as a one sided conversation with someone he does not know well at an airport bar over drinks between flights. This will make his speech more natural in the narrative parts. Ask yourself if you would say it that way? Then just write…
I am not a big fan of romance type stories but I too am a traveler and I think the story does sound like the remembering of a traveler. I hope I was not too hard on you as I enjoyed reading this piece.
-C. M. Perry
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