First off, great dialogue. It sounds so natural. Really, great. Set up a nice scene already with the son, the big boss, murder victim with enemies, one being the son ... good on you, now down to the little mistakes:
She was wearing her usual gear ---she wore, makes it less passive
, but her Boston PD badge was already hanging from her belt. --- but her Boston PD badge already hung from her belt, again, less passive
. It was a true miracle that he always made --- it was a true miracle he always... 'that' is filler here
already mastered the art of hitting her mark anyway --- delete anyway, I don't think it adds value
She stopped at the bakery like every day, where Betty had her slice of pie already waiting for her --- I think delete like every day would make this read better. RIght now that reads a little clunky.
Orlando’s when she was already heading out ---delete already
waitresses came by then ---delete then
fixing a piercing stare on him from under a cold scowl --- who has eyes under their lips?
The man just nodded--- cut just
A few other riddled mistakes, but all in all a good story.
Except for the countless characters you introduce. I got lost, frankly, with them all. There's Gillian, Conner, Crook, guards, the whole team who right now I've forgotten and I'm pretty sure a lot would because they're just names lacking much of anything right now but a single characterization. I think, to make that easier, you should not introduce them like that. Maybe when you go into the office have her talk to them separately, have a few chat here, a few chat there, but so many makes it hard to follow who's who and who did what when. Anyway, with the names: Banks, Henderson, Declan, Al, Rog... you get the picture? It's flooded with people in a few hundred words.
But like I said, good story, great dialogue, I can see it going somewhere. You have a nice voice, a laid out path, so keep at it!
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