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Review of The Firm  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Pretty good story telling.

I'm thinking this story is only the beginning?

I guess the one observation I could make is that you certainly left a lot to the reader's imagination. Maybe a little too much?

For instance, I'm not sure what the bit about the dog was all about. Perhaps that could be expanded some. As it stands now, it really doesn't make a lot of sense to the story.

You did set a really good scene, though. I could really picture the joint.

Nice work.


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Review of I've Got A Secret  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good scene.

I'm wondering, though, is that the right title and subtitle for this story? It doesn't make sense.

The one observation I have is that this is a pretty long scene and we still don't know anything about what or who caused the death. Then, there is the 'it' that is locked up - not a clue about that either. Are you sure you want to be so secretive for such a long time at the beginning of the story? There really isn't much for the reader to grasp.

It's a good start, though. I just think it needs a little more meat to it.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a pretty good story.

One observation I could make is that Lou is sure a doting friend for her. Maybe a little too much so. I think this story could be tightened up quite a bit if you toned some of that down. The other side of this coin is that Liz is almost too perfect. I had a difficult time identifying with her. She didn't really have any hurdles to jump that would test her mettle, so all we have is Lou saying how great she is and how much he admires her.

I think this story has potential, though. I hope you get a chance to revisit it.


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Review of All Her Own  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a pretty good story, or maybe a start to a story.

I guess the main observation I can make is that it is one even layer. While the subject matter is pretty harrowing, the story itself just kind of flows on one level. There aren't really any ups and downs to it. In the end it seems like she gets what she wants, but without any obstacles to combat - hard work, yes, but not anything to fight through.

On the other hand, this would make a great prelude to a longer story that could take oh so many twists and turns.

Good job, though, as far as it goes.


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Review of Walk In Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good story. I have some observations:

It took an awful long time to get to the action in this story. While you certainly set the mood for the action, it may have been a little over done. I think I could have cheered the character on more if it hadn't taken so long to get there. As it is, I really couldn't get to invested in the character.

Occasionally, your choice of words didn't seem to fit the character's voice, along with the occasional misspelled or wrong word. For instance, in this sentence: "How could it bare traversing stairs?" Should it be bear? Or is he streaking? And traversing - seems both formal and archaic from someone on his deathbed, so to speak. There aren't many of these, so it may be worth your while to to review the story for them.

As I said, I think this is a pretty good story that maybe just needs to be tightened up a little bit.

Keep up the good work.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a good start to this. I assume you are writing for the YA market?

Some observations are a bit entangled in my mind. I was a little confused about the story because your description at the top read "About the love and loss of a teen boy." I have to assume the impending crash put Nick in a coma, but that is a big assumption for a reader to make. If you had not put "Coma" after Untitled, I wouldn't have know what to think. Maybe a line or two more in this chapter to both to indicate that and to let readers know there is more to this book than "A day in the life of..." or "a slice of life" sort of tale. As it stands, with another line or two this chapter could stand alone as a story.

There are a few typos in this story, but not all that many so after you finish it and start doing your rewrite, you will probably catch them all.

I think you've got a good thing going here. Keep it up.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a fairly decent start for your story. Some observations are:

I think your description of the event that caused Janet's nightmare was vivid and led me to want to see more of what would happen. What followed, though, were character introductions of the family all at once. I'm not sure readers will be able to keep those characters straight, especially when there are so many fantastical characters in the same family.

You did a good job, I think, of letting the reader know what to expect as the quest in this story. Perhaps this chapter could be a little longer to include some actual action relating to the story?

I think you're on the right track with this and maybe after you get a few more chapters under your belt, my comments may make more sense (I agree, they are a little nonsensical, now).

Keep up the good work.


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Review of Fabricate  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Pretty good story. I have some observations:

The best thing you could do is to proofread this story. There are quite a few missing words and quite a few extra words throughout it. I noticed a few instances where you used the word "a" when you meant "I." There was one instance where the family surname was misspelled - or spelled correctly once and misspelled all the other times depending on your point of view.

Once that is done, I felt there were weaknesses in the Doctor's explanation of the technical aspects you are using. They could be strengthened quite a bit, I think, but that would depend somewhat on how well you corrected what you found in your proofreading.

Overall, though, I think this is going in the right direction. It is not too heavy-handed on the social commentary, yet it does make a point. Good job on that score.

Keep up the good work.


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Review of There  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Really good story. Some observations:

I was having a hard time with the timing of each piece at the beginning of the story, but after rereading the beginning, it may just be a matter of removing the line space before the signature or adding another line space after the signature. Also, the 1887 character from a Calvary is pretty culturally definable, but there is really nothing to define the 1997 character. Perhaps if you gave a reason for the move or what he currently did to make a living that placed him squarely in the 20th century, it would help the transition.

Also, there was the first sentence in the 1997 piece. Perhaps you meant for this to be a teaser, but it really just doesn't make sense as it stands. By the end of the story, I could kind of see what you were going for, but either it is out of place in the story or it needs to be fleshed out where it is. It is neither a hint or foreshadowing of what is to come.

Finally, I don't see where the title of the story has any relationship to the story. You are a good writer, I do believe you can come up with something better.

As I mentioned, these are just some observations for you to think about rather than real suggestions.

Overall this is a really good story, though. Once I got past the timing issues at the beginning, I could easily discern the timing between the surreal and current day meat of the story.

Good job.


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Review of The Magic Box  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
A truly charming story.

The one thing that crossed my mind was that if this was intended to be read to or by a child of an age that still believed in Santa Claus, it might confuse them a little. It's been a (long) while for me, but I don't recall anything about Santa having a family - other than Mrs. Claus. Not sure if that has changed in the popular culture in the interim, but if not, to suddenly introduce that might lead to more questions than a good night's sleep for a kid. Maybe just something to consider before you publish publicly.

And, I do think this would stand a good chance on the children's market.

Good work.


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Review of Common Courtesy  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This story is good.

The one place that sort of threw me off a bit was the sentence that contained this phrase: "introduce him to the concept of blackmail." It doesn't really make sense - even when I envision the dog to be a person rather than an animal. Just how is this introduction done?

The other observation is that the ending is pretty much anti-climatic. I essentially knew how it would end.

I think that anyone who has dealt with a new dog/puppy could identify with the efforts of Debbie - you have that down to a tee!

Good work.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think you've done a good job.

There are a couple of places where you may have overworked the piece. An example would be: In the eleventh paragraph, the sentence beginning with "Any hope of surviving" is kind of a mixed metaphor, it doesn't quite make sense or form a picture specific to the scene. I do like both clauses, they just maybe don't need to be together in this scene. There is not a lot of precedence for it in this story. I think you'll have to leave the story alone for a while before you see them yourself.

The other thing that is a bit glaring is the very last sentence. It is a little too pat. I like the sentiment overall, but it probably needs to be fleshed out a little bit. Seems a little strange he could recover so quickly from such an ordeal.

Very good work, though. If you decide to revisit this, it may turn out to be a much longer story.


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Review of The Bridge  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I think I liked this story, and I'm glad you intend to carry it on with a part two (hoping part two will explain some things).

Hmm, how to begin? A sentient being that doesn't know anything about how it got to this point or even where this point in time is. Interesting concept, but there was maybe a little too much about what it didn't know, although that explains it did know that it didn't know what it thinks it should have known? As a reader, it kind of went in circles like that for me.

Also, to make this a true horror story, I think we need to know more about this 'tourist.' It would be the dread and fear felt by the tourist that would make this horrifying. As it stands, the entity is just satisfying its needs, doing what it is there to do. The tourist didn't see anything coming, just sort of got 'blindsided by the proverbial Mack truck" and died.

All that said, though, I like your writing style and I think that with a little polishing up, this could be really good.

Hope to catch part two when it comes out.


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Review of Walk In The Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is great - funny, too! Only a couple of suggestions.

I don't think fella has an h at the end. It would still rhyme without it and would visually flow a little better, I think.

Maybe both in the fourth and eighth line 'who' should replace 'he.' It, again, might flow a little better.

Finally, the last line "The man's" is a little out-of-step with the rest of the limerick. All other places he's referred to He, Him, or His. You may want to play with that a little more.

Nicely done, though. These are really only minor suggestions.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really liked this piece. It brought memories of my own back to me.

There are a couple of things you might want to consider looking at again. The fourth paragraph seems to be missing a transition into it. It starts out with "You see" as if this paragraph were going to offer an explanation or answer a question that came before it. Maybe something got deleted?

It could just be me, but I did have a tendency to get the two aunts mixed up. Maybe keeping the title Great-Aunt for Amelia throughout the piece would have distinguished them more. This is just something to think about, not a real suggestion.

All told,though, this is a nice memoir. Keep up the good work.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a good story. I really don't have suggestions for you so I'll just go with some observations.

Really nice twist at the end, although a little abrupt. For the most part, I followed the story, but I really didn't get a sense of her flirting or coming on to him. Those interactions throughout the story seemed like she was trying to improve her career more that she was actually interested in him. But, I guess, when you're working under word-count restrictions, some of the nuances must be left out.

I think you've done a good job under the circumstances.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I don't have a lot of suggestions for you, just some observations and maybe an idea or two.

I think this is a pretty good start to something, but I'm not sure it completes a Part 1. Right now I don't know why he was made an outcast. I'm not sure where he is "trekking" to or why. There needs to be some action and some motivation - some hint of what the goal or quest is. I don't think it would be very enticing to just see a character meandering through life. He's got to want or need something. You're beginning to draw the character "Tywin," but he is very vague at this point. Giving him a reason to be in this story would go a long way to making the reader care about him. Also, we have no clue about Wyte. Is he the enemy or an old friend?

You have a nice way with words and descriptions, so I can tell you'd be good at this. Maybe just expanding and continuing with this part one would be your strongest course of action.

I hope you have a chance to revisit this and flush it out.


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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a pretty good start, even though I'm wondering if you are deliberately trying to confuse the reader.

How so, you ask? Each time a different character speaks, it should begin a new paragraph. When you run a conversation all together in one paragraph, the reader is running back and forth across those lines just to try to figure out who's talking. An easy fix for you and worth a half a star in my opinion.

I think the premise is good for the intro, but there are a couple of things you might want to think about. The subject of Atlantis is almost cliche at this point, so you might want to make up a different lost world. Also, most folks agree (at least those who buy into the notion) that Atlantis will be found at the bottom of an ocean somewhere, so unless those sorts of scenes are in this story's future, you might want to make up something your characters can actually get to.

Also, the last paragraph seems a little bit rushed to conclude this intro. You might want to expand it.

One bit that is a little incongruous is that a little earlier, the villagers were staring at the two which made them pick up the pace. Then, when they get to the chief's hut, the chief greets Travis as an old friend. I don't think it would take much to fix - maybe just showing that Bruce was the one that got nervous (or something), but it is probably something you want to look at.

Finally, there are some missing apostrophes for some of the contractions, especially in the use of "I'm." Just keying errors, I'm sure, but you probably should tend to those. This could also maybe be caused by a 'cut-and-paste' type of action.

Those cosmetic things said, I think you are developing the characters well - they'll need more to flesh them out, but I assume that will happen in the story.

Good work - keep it up.


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Review of Beyond  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
So far, so good.

After you finish the story and go back to do your first rewrite, there are some things you should look out for, examples would be:

"The storms with it's heavy rains" should probably read (SB) "The storm with it's heavy rains"
"Mike now at the bottom looking up could" SB "Mike, now at the bottom looking up, could"
"pinhead to the size" SB "pinhead compared to the size" (or something - don't want to put words in your mouth)
"wandering" SB "wondering"

These are just a few of the things you should watch out for.

One other thing I thought is that you could expand a bit on the description of the pillars. They could be a good prop to foreshadow any action or danger coming up.

You do have a good start on this story. After fixing a few cosmetic problems, I believe I would turn the page to see what happened next.

Keep up the good work.


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Review of The Colbert Ops  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I really like the premise of your story.

It's good that you told the back story in the prologue. I think that in this case it is better to tell rather than trying to show all that information (there are those who would argue otherwise, I know) - it would probably require a whole book to do that, but if anything, it could be fleshed out a little more fully. Right now, it just provides the bare minimum of facts.

One thing I noticed is the that the Empress did not speak very regally or formally. Her voice came across almost as street slang, which may not be appropriate for most of the characters in this scene - they are, after all, a highly trained elite squad, are they not?

You will probably catch these on your first or second rewrite, but there are some problems with tense and syntax. As an example the last paragraph could read (MY SUGGESTIONS IN CAPS, and some punctuation removed or changed):

"Meanwhile in the royal escape ship, Colbert was in a HURRIED state, plotting a course for an offbeat planet not controlled by THE Alliance. “Hmm, what would be a good sector to hide in?” He stared diligently at the map provided on the screen. “We’re near Terra, a few days travel to Jasia, I assume and hope there is a small Renegade outpost there.” He set the course for the trip, nestled himself in for a long and hopefully uneventful journey..."

Of course you could rewrite the paragraph rather than using my suggestions, but you should probably look for these types of things after you finish the story and then do your rewrite.

All-in-all, you've got a really good start. Keep up the good work.


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Review of Razors  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is not too bad. You certainly know how to build tension - and that is not always easy to do.

However, slashing one's own chest down to the rib cage several times and then swallowing so many razor blades afterword is a little over the top for a reader to be able to suspend reality for the duration of the story, though. Next time you have a check-up with your doctor, you might bring along a copy of this to ask just how far a person could go with this - could be the heart and lungs would figure into her/his answer. Might be interesting.

You have absolutely captured the essence of a deranged mind in this piece. Really good work on this point.

Keep on writing.


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Review of College Story  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is the start of a pretty good story. But, I must admit that you do use an awful lot of adjectives - an awful lot of them. Perhaps one suggestion I have is that you make a more judicious use of them.

Your choice of point-of-view is a little confusing. At more than one point I was wondering if the narrator was trying to hypnotize someone into believing a false memory or something. Also, the story starts out describing the crowd dealing with the rain and then jumps to the protagonist without much of a segue. I guess I finally fell into the rhythm of it, though, because I did feel you caught the "crush-at-first-sight" angst of the protagonist well.

These next couple of things aren't really suggestions, but maybe something just to watch out for or consider:

One, why did he wake up in the back seat of his car and then drive home to his parents house? I hope it plays out later in the story, but didn't make much sense as the piece stands now.

Two, the only characters so far who have names are the professors (which I assume will remain props rather than meaningful participants in the story line). If, eventually, your protagonist and other main characters do get names, it could confuse readers as much as it would if you changed the name of each character mid-stream.

I think you're on the right track though, this story could get real interesting.

Keep up the good work!


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23
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Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nicely done.

I don't have many suggestions for you but there were a couple of things relating to timing that had me confused or made me stop to reread.

You mentioned early on that she was driving a 1975 car, but I couldn't tell if that meant she was driving an old beater that was bound to break down or if it were just bad luck with the flat tire - later I could calculate that the car was about 3 years old - it just confused me at the time I read it. Perhaps the year of the car isn't all that important?

The other thing that didn't quite fit is that she turned around to go back home as soon as she got to work, the daughter was taken out of school early and at home when she got there, her husband wouldn't be home for seven hours, but when the guy left the phrase "The cold evening air" sort of put all the timing out-of-whack.

You'll most likely find these sorts of thing easy to fix.

Keep up the good work!


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Review of The Chosen War  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful piece of writing.

All the more so because I had nestled down expecting to read a much longer piece. What a surprise to find something so complete in so few words.

Probably a good thing, though, because I may have had some difficulty in believing a front line of fire ants would feel they were sacrificing themselves to such a task - every encounter I've had with them seem to suggest they live for biting.

Good work
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Review of Winter's End  Open in new Window.
Review by cle001 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good writing.

I don't have many suggestions for you, but a couple of comments - and they may be more appropriate for longer pieces than just this one.

While I've read quite a few fantasy pieces, I can't say I'm a regular or avid reader of the genre, so that could be part of this particular comment, but it seems that I had to automatically accept quite a bit of the ease of the magic performed here.

The other thing that I noted was that the ending was a little too easy. There wasn't any real challenge happening. It was difficult to work up any emotional buying into the end of the story. The problem was the never-ending winter, the journey went along one step after the other without any bumps in the road, then a happy ending. It was a little too convenient.

As I said, these comments may be more appropriate for a longer piece, but I think you are on the right track. Keep up the good work.


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