Firstly, let me say that you have the seeds of something delicious here. At least to my subjective tastes, I love a good Viking story. Here are some points that may help to fine tune it and make it stronger.
Firstly, your opening line is almost there but in order for it to be the opening for a novel it needs some tuning. I speak only from what I've been taught, as I would not presume to say I've perfected this yet, but ideally, the first line should give the reader a reason to work through the rest of the book in search of the answer for the question it poses. You've almost done that. But some of the style issues make it weak where it could be strong.
"Theren stood there, covered in blood from his previous fight, not knowing that after this fight his life would forever be changed."
Where is there? or is Stood-there giving us the wrong impression about Theren, that he is passive not active. It is open to interpretation, and you would benefit from closing that up.
"Theren stood covered in blood, not knowing that after this next fight his life would be forever changed."
By making these little changes Theren is immediately a hero, capable of standing on his feet even though he is covered in blood. Then the power of your second statement becomes a quest for the reader. Why is he covered in blood? Why is he fighting? Why will the next fight change his life?
I should point out a helpful tip on adjectives. They carry more psychological weight than one might think. You describe his eyes as sky blue, and it momentarily blows my heroic image of him, why? Because sky is associated with dreams. Sky Blue eyes aren't just blue, they are romantic blue, idealistic blue, dreamy blue. They carry a romantic connotation that interferes with the image of the slick, hard, warrior you are presenting. Change it ot Ice Blue eyes, and POP! He is cool, he is steeled, he is immutable.
As the story progresses I find that I get a bit lost. That is probably because you still have to visualize this world completely. You clearly know you want to write a classic hero tale, and you have a notion of his world but you haven't occupied it yet. Have fun with it. Let it come to life in your mind, down to the tiny detail, get to know Theren down to his strengths his weaknesses, what does hurt him, even though he is almost untouchable. Once you know your character that closely, he comes through on the page, much better.
This is a good start, but it will be up to you to play through the drafts and make the characters come to life. That is the most fun part of writing after all, it is one thing to have a notion of fantasy, many people do, but you as a writer can make a world come alive on the page.
I don't really know when I am as I read the work, or where I am for that matter. If it is intended as historical fantasy then you need to contextualize it. A Minotaur in a fight tells me that we are living in the classical Greek period, but then I find we are in Viking times which is several hundred years later in my mental timeline. There is nothing wrong with that, this is fantasy and you can do as you please but you need to be a tour guide for the reader and explain how a Minotaur gets there, or how Vikings get there.
Since you still haven't shaped the world, this does not translate on the page yet. Work on the details of the world you are creating, look at them objectively, like a critic or a historian would. Find the inconsistencies, and resolve them.
This could be a compelling and fun read, and I am sure it can be very much fun for you writing it. I encourage you to Write On! I will be interested to see more revisions as they evolve. And don't get discouraged. Remember the most courage required to write is to stain the daunting blank page with the first letter. Once that major feat has been accomplished the rest is just to continue typing until it is right. If you love it, and you live it, we will live it and love it.
Best Wishes to you,
Clarisa Brown |
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