Impression: First, I just have to say that I am a veteran of the US Navy, and I am a sister to 5 siblings all currently serving, 2 of whom are deployed. When I read this, my mind instantly went to every soldier and sailor I have ever met, especially in boot camp when things are so intense. You have exactly described the military experience. I don't know if you meant to, but you did in a very poetic, succinct way.
Tone and Mood: This is such a very human piece. And again, coming from a military perspective, it is even more human in many ways, because being in the military is like being in a pressure cooker of being human. When it talks about being mature enough not to be a child, but finding someone to look up to until then, well that is so military, because it actually happens all the time; the very last line just broke my heart, because that is exactly what is happening in the front right now. Agree or not with politics, the men and women who are taking their orders and serving their country are fighting the darkness hoping that one day, there will be light. Very very strong, and with so few words. Very powerful.
Hook: I think that the real hook here is how human this is. We are so human and this is about.....well how human we are. How we have to pretend to be what we are not, until we finally get to that place of being what we need to be, or what we want to be. It reminds me of Batman, how he had to train so hard to be what he had to be to avenge his parents, to be sure that other children didn't go through what he did. Amazing stuff, really.
I just have to say thank you so much for sharing this poem. Perhaps this came to you at an odd moment, or perhaps you spent hours on it, but either way, this is just a special piece and it is an honor to read it.
Very best
CR
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Impression: This has been a joy to read. I think I will read it again and again. Thank you for sharing this amazing Character study with us. Words are almost shallow to review this lovely and amazing short story. I will try to begin, but honestly, my heart is so full, I am not sure what will come out. Please forgive me ahead of time.
Tone and Mood: The tone and mood of this is perfect; it is like a Cliff Hanger, the study of a young woman who has actually managed to make it through the worst of what life has to offer, and is poised to some amazing Divine Blueprint...I do hope that she has more of a journey you can share with us at a later time. It would be an honor to read what more she has to offer with us. A truly amazing woman this Sasha.
Plot: Because this is a Character Study, there really isn't a plot per se; however, I don't know if you meant to, but there is so much potential for such plot that you have built into this little story. It is just crammed, cheek by jowl, as the great Diana Gabaldon would say, with such potential. If she were a football player, I would expect her to be a first round draft pick, she has so much potential.
/ Character: This is just amazing, how this is so character driven. And it is so refreshing for me as well, because finally, in the middle of Vampires and witchcraft and etc, Gabriael gets to be front and center and bring Divine justice and intervention and an anointing and mission to this young woman, possibly with supernatural powers like Superman, and I just can't wait to see what happens next. My gosh. What a truly great breath of fresh air. Just yaaaaaayyy!!!
Hook: This was great; I was caught at her style, her impish and waif like ability to talk to the homeless, her artsy ways, her free spirit, but then all at once, that was really just a coping mechanism for the trauma she had endured and there was something very dark and grounded to her and she totally was authentic and took an Archangel on. What a great character. what a great hook. I want more please!!!!
Rising Action: There was some of this here; and even though this is a study for Sasha, I think there was rising action. I think that drawing the angel was action of a more intense intimate kind; I think that talking about her childhood was very strong emotional action; and then there was great potential for action at the end.
Climax: Well I don' think there is one yet; I think there is so much more to come and I am really encouraged for Sasha and her journey.
Resolution: Ditto.
Thank you for such an amazing read. I will really have to read this again with a glass of wine and a cheese plate and just soak in it.
Best
CR
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NICE!!!!!
If I had seen this for my wedding last October, I totally would have asked you if I could have quoted it for our vows. This is just grand. I would really recommend that you start social marketing with this; the picture you have with it is perfect. I wish I could learn to do that as well.
Best
CR
HI
I am not a poet by nature but being here on Writers is certainly getting me to open my horizons a little bit!
Thank you for sharing a little bit of yourself; I am writing this as a consumer since I don't know enough about poetry to offer anything else :(
I was able to see what you see very clearly; my husband worked third shift for many years and I know that he felt many of the same thing. Very nice imagery. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
Hello
Thank you for putting to words this very amazing event; do you check out this awesome blog dedicated to Kate? I promise it is worth it! http://hrhduchesskate.blogspot.com/
Anyway, I am not a huge poetry knowledge person, so I have to thank you for the explanation on the bottom! I really think that you captured what happened on that most amazing day; I too had tears in my eyes for them. I can only hope that Prince Harry has the sense to find someone as compassionate and loving as Kate.
Amazing poem that just captured the day from a very emotional standpoint. Thank you for sharing.
Best
CR
Hey have you every watched the Gilmore Girls? I bet if you did, then you could embroider this on a pillow for Lorelai and she would dance. Although not my personal taste in poetry, the fact that I like it speaks volumes. Nice! And thank you. So true.
CR
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Hello
Well for a very short poem...wow what an impact!!!
Theme: Well it could be anything, but it runs like a very Shakesperian/modern exasperation....which could apply to any lovers situation.....or a guy looking at a truck....or whatever lol. Fun!
Plot: too short really to say.
Arcing: For something this short, sweet and to the point, yeah, it has momentum. Impressive!
Pacing: Again, not a poem pro, but I thought it was perfect and matched the plot/premise very well
Hook: Yes a big hook. I want to know the rest of the story. And it's like a great soundbite in life you can use at will, as if it were a cute little gem.
Point of View: Well it certainly makes you wonder what it would be used for....and again, for such a short little thing, there is a solid point of view, which is genius. Just genius. Story Essense: A fun soundbite to put in any story....or be used as a cliff hanger.
Dialogue: Believe it or not, I have to say that this is quite unusual, because the dialogue is perfect...makes you wonder...is the entire thing....and at the same time leaves you wondering what on earth situation that character has gotten himself into.
Thank you for such a fun little read!!!!!
CR
Wow!!! This has just been amazing to read! Thank you for helping to organize all the little pieces that add up to a really good "how to" checklist. This will be a great tool for both my own writing as well as reviewing amazing authors on this site!
All the best, Claire Renee
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Premise: Just amazing. This is a very touching and time pertinent piece which I think that many people could identify with in these hard times. Made me think of some Veterans I know coming back from the war.
Content: See premise. Truly touching.
Flow: I'm not a professional poet, so please take that into account, but I think a few of the stanzas could use a bit of a touch up; a couple lines had an extra syllable and others were missing some, which made for a bit of a hiccup in the reading. Other than that, lovely!!!
Prose: This was a very well crafted and emotionally touching piece. Very nicely done.
Comments: A sweet, fantastic read. Thanks for sharing!!
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Hello
This was fun to read, a bit of humor and satire put in a very small poem which I thought was interesting, creative, and attractive. Although I don't have a lot of exposure to poetry on a regular basis, your work has reminded me that broadening my horizens is always a good thing :)
Thanks so much!!
Claire
Ok, this was just plain fun to read, thank you for writing this!
You had me/the reader right in the middle of the situation from the second sentence. Nice job!
The environment was identified readily: first it was a parallel Earth, second it was dealing with a social issue, and it was described without really describing it. Very nice.
The only thing that I had to wonder about was the overall "tone" of the piece....I had almost expected a more relational tone, getting warmer the more you described female agendas....but it kinda continued to read as an observation piece. For some reason I guess I was hoping for some dialogue, and relationships in this peppy piece. It really is fun to read and I wanted to see how the actual people reacted in this new system.
Thank you again!!!!
CR
PS: I also agree the older women are very important for teenage boys...in one way or another. Captivating!
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