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Review by ckirkham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steffy,
I liked the awkward moment of meeting the visitor, Jordon. It makes one want to turn the page for the next chapter. Good job. I do have a few suggestions that might be of help. Please do not take any suggestions personally, it is only my mini-opinion and that isn’t worth a plug nickel to most people!
1. A starting sentence that grabs people is so very important. I would start the story with the paragraph that begins with, "My father and I always had a strained relationship.” I think it rings an emotional bell whether the reader has had the same experience or not. It pulls the reader right in. The previous information can be twisted into the story from there.
2. I did not know who Nanna is. Is she a babysitter, grandmother (mother or father’s side), god-mother or ??? If she is related to the father, how did he react to her death? (In a sentence would be all that is needed to keep him in character, I think.) How old were you when she died? It says she practically raised Sarah, but then you say Sarah had endless babysitters.
3. The dialog is a bit slow and I would like to see maybe some more emotion behind it. Since the “voice” is first person, Sarah’s emotions of dread, frustration, caring, could be brought out a little more. Part of that might be to possibly put, “I couldn’t wait to get off the phone.” just after the first of her dialog, “trying to sound upbeat.” I do like the insights to her reactions to each line from the father.
4. The first paragraph is redundant. Stating it is January then it is after the holidays. Might work better as: It was that period after Christmas and New Year’s when the excitement of the season begins to slowly ebb away. The January temperatures bring you miserably back to reality with a bitterly cold wind at your back.
It is really a style thing. My husband and I write very differently and one has to understand that it is never an absolute science, but an ebb and flow of words that move the reader. Those words can give each reader incredibly different pictures. Your job is to make the readers see what you do in a way that motivates them to read more. You have a great start. Keep up the good work!

PS. I never read prologues. I know that’s what they are for, but I think most stories should hold up without them. The reader can then choose to know more about the background or not.

PSS. You obviously have a story to tell. You have put a great deal of time and thought into your first chapter and just need some tweaking to make it pop. Go for it!
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