What I Liked About The Piece: The piece is honest. It’s the thoughts of someone who has regret and wants to spare others the same fate. It’s simple. It’s heartfelt. It’s beautiful.
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What I Feel Needs Work: There is nothing this piece needs. It’s not a story as much as it is a thought; a glimpse into the heart and soul of a stranger.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
N/A
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I never had a father. Mine walked away when I was very young. This piece touched off a chord with me only on the opposite end of the string. It’s very stirring and though appears simple it offers more then you might think it would.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4 because of the honesty of this piece. If one would write then let them write from the heart and let it call to the hearts of others. Well done and thank you for sharing.
What I Liked About The Piece: This piece is beautiful because it’s honest. The author has opened up their heart and allowed it to spill onto the page for the world to see. This is the bravest thing anyone can do.
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What I Feel Needs Work: The rhyme of the poem is off in some areas a bit. I would try to fix it only to increase the audio aesthetics of the piece. With poetry it’s hard to review because it should be about emotion. A poem must be pleasing to the eye, ear, and the heart to be truly great.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
N/A
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I think at one point in time we have all shared your feelings. We’ve all felt betrayed and hurt. I think anyone reading this piece will be able to connect.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 3.5 because the rhyme is off. It’s still a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing and continue to write bold.
Where I Found This Piece: 2006 Cinderella Award 3rd Review
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What I Liked About The Piece: It was still very well written and engaging. I like the idea behind the piece and the questions it could raise in the mind of the reader.
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What I Feel Needs Work: I think there is still work to be done on this one. I would like to see more detail. The piece also seems rushed and at times confusing. I think there is much more to be written and told.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
She recalled fighting to stay alive, and as her adrenaline peaked, she was instantly awake, flailing her limbs in an effort to escape the certain death that had already taken her. Two paragraphs down you have her restrained. You will need to reword this so that only her torso is restrained or take out the flailing limbs altogether.
And these onboard computer ..computers
A steel plate, surgically connected to her chest and left side, helped anchor the arm. No comma needed.
weakly she asked, Weakly
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I didn’t connect as much with this story as I did the others. This could just be a matter of style. I am not a big fan of space stories and so that made it harder for me to envision and review.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4 because I do think that there is work to be done here. The writing is as always very high caliber. I feel that anyone who likes SciFi will love it! You are a fantastic writer with tremendous talent!
Where I Found This Piece: 2006 Cinderella Award 2nd Review
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What I Liked About The Piece: This is a wonderful tale. I love the idea behind the story. Your writing is as always gripping and enjoyable. The characters are wonderful and written realistically.
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What I Feel Needs Work: The only thing this story needs is a once over to catch grammar and spelling errors. I would also like to see more in detail. I feel that you can never be too graphic.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
“I think it’s a dog. A big dog.” This should be one sentence.
A dream where something bad happened to us—something real bad. This is a fragmented sentence you might want to reword it a little.
Two large boulders that appeared to have collided against each other, formed an overhang. No comma needed.
The woman’s shoulder’s slumped forward and she leaned against the rock to catch her breath. This should be shoulders.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: This piece touches on all emotions. It takes the reader on a journey in which they not only share the children’s emotions and bring a few of their own. For instance, in the beginning of the story I felt angry with the mother but by the end I wanted her to escape with the children. Fantastic Job!
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4.5 only because nothing can ever really be perfect. There is still some work to do but this piece is as close to a 5 as they come. Wonderful story thank you for sharing!
Where I Found This Piece: 2006 Cinderella Award 1st Review
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What I Liked About The Piece: Your work reminds me so much of Stephen King. I believe I told you that in the first review I ever did of your work. You have a wonderful ability to transport the reader into your stories. It’s a great gift. I also love the plot of your story and the ending is perfect!
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What I Feel Needs Work: The piece reads rough. I think all it needs is a going over for errors and to catch any hitches in flow. I would also try to reform some of your sentences. Some tend to be quite long. You will have more impact by creating shorter sentences.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
“Good lord…” the man yelled, choking back his nausea and backing aaway in fright. away
“Come on, Tony…Jack Stone? The guy who’s been mutilating all those young girls. The second sentence is a fragment. You might consider combining these into one sentence or breaking it into two as follows. “Come on, Tony! Jack Stone, the guy who’s been mutilating all those young girls! This will eliminate the fragment and still follow with the flow of your story.
Ray Drummond, the security guard, sat by the only gate in or out of the ward. This is also a fragmented sentence. You might want to review sentence structure at http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_f... This is a common problem that we share. I have a bad habit of sentence fragmentation.
“You got it, Tony. One black coffee, coming up.” You might want to consider making this one sentence.
“Sounds great. Thanks Ray.” This should also be one sentence.
Tony watched her bend down and pull the doll out from underneath. pulled
A growing dread within him that the nightmare wasn’t over—a gripping fear that his family was in terrible danger. This sentence is very rough. You could use a semi-colon here but I think it would be better to deal with the wording. Even if you just add the word and it makes the sentence sound better.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: This is a wonderful short! As I read the story I felt myself being drawn into Tony and his life. I also love the details. You were very descriptive. Sometimes authors like to gloss over the crude or ‘unpretty’ images of their stories but I feel they are as important to the reality of the reader as are the sunshine and happy times.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4 in hopes that you do go back and work on the piece. This is a wonderful work of horror. Anyone who is drawn to King will find themselves very at home with your work. Great Job!
What I Liked About The Piece: I found your first chapter to be less inviting then your introduction. Your piece is very good just written in a different voice.
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What I Feel Needs Work: You have a tendency to write very long sentences and use semi colons too often. I think you be much more effective if you were to use smaller sentences. Often times we as writers forget the confusion we can cause in the reader. Punctuation is a readers direction. If you never give them pause your words lose their strength.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Many others were there; the fathers of great paladins, destined to outshine their fathers in deeds of arms; relations, uncles, grandfathers, those who had families depending on them-- they had answered Freedom’s call, and were ready to lay down their lives for the good of England. I think this would be a more effect sentence if you broke it down into two or three. Readers can be easily confused by longer sentences which force them to reread in order to fully understand. This breaks their concentration and effectively pops them out of the story.
Turning back to Sir Henry of the Oaks, we find him vainly trying to stop his groans. With a great effort he managed to sit up, only to fall back down again with an anguished cry of pain. Finally he sank down, overcome by extreme pain and burning thirst. As he groaned, he saw Sir Philip winding his way through the dead knights on the field. This paragraph should be deleted. I think you just forgot to do so during editing.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I found myself rereading quite often. I feel this piece was rushed and so as a reader I felt rushed. It’s still a good piece of writing and an excellent story.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4 because I feel there is work to be done but that it’s a wonderful story. You have done an excellent job!
What I Liked About The Piece: You give an excellent overview of history. Your voice is friendly and entertaining. You keep the readers attention and incite interest about the upcoming story.
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What I Feel Needs Work: I think your introduction is wonderful and I can’t think of anything that you need to do. Great Job!!!
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
through his skilful strength and gallant chivalry. Skillful – This is on your folder intro.
There are four ranks: king, chivalry, knighthood, serf. and serf.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: Your introduction leaves one feeling romantic and longing for days gone by. I think it’s a wonderful setup for your story.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4.5 because I feel this piece is as close to perfect as possible. Wonderful job and good luck with the publisher.
What I Liked About The Piece: I LOVE it! Fantastic job! I love that you brought the holiday to the doorstep of the turkey. You did a wonderful job and this is an exceptional piece of writing. I have a soft spot for the twisted and skewed view points of the world. Wonderful job keep up the good work. I hope you win!
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What I Feel Needs Work: The only thing that I think would have improved the story would have been a few more emotional details. Bringing out the panic and fear more would have pushed the tale over the edge.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Its rough being a turkey in November. This should be It’s which is just like saying it is.
I thought I heard my mother cry out, and at that moment I should have sped right home, sprinting as fast as my two legs could carry me. I would break this down into two sentences after the word out. You will have more of an effect if you make the reader pause at the right time.
But I was young, innocent and selfish. I was more interested in playing outside and enjoying myself than investigating what was surely a bad situation.I would change these two sentences. They seem rough and do not impart the imagery that they could with a little work.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: You made me laugh and after reading it through twice made me think. It’s a wonderful piece and you really have done a good job. Laughter is a gift of the gods that lightens the soul and refreshes the mind.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 4.5 because the piece is almost perfect. I would like to see more emotional detail but it is a wonderful read as is. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest!
What I Liked About The Piece: This is a very strong and emotionally packed piece. I commend you on it. When we dig down into our hearts and allow our emotions to come forward we create our best pieces. The main character is easy to identify with. The voice of the author is strong and steady. The piece is wonderful.
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What I Feel Needs Work: I would add more details. Bring out the fear and confusion.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Nothing that I see.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I can identify with the main character. I think at one time or another most of us have looked at a loved one and felt this.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 4.5 for several reasons. 1) The strong emotional content. 2) Your voice and writing ability. 2) You engaged the reader and enabled them to share the feelings of the piece. 3) The story content.
Thank you for sharing. I recommend this piece to everyone. This is a very good piece either on it's own or as a foundation for further work.
What I Liked About The Piece: It’s beautiful and captures the love and tenderness of the couple. I also like that you covered a controversial topic. In truth, that was the reason I decided to read it. I’m glad I did.
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What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing unless you wanted to make it a bit longer. It might be short but it sparks an emotional response.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: None noticed
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: Sad and love- I was able to share the feelings of both the man and the woman. The piece offers a lot to think about. Even after reading it you still think about the situation.
Many feel that to touch someone you need to have x amount of words. This piece proofs that it is not the amount but the quality that is important. An author can touch your soul with one sentence.
Wonderful read I recommend this piece to anyone. Very good job!
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I give this chapter a 4.5 because you were able to evoke emotion and thought with very few words. Your piece forces the reader to want more. Wonderful!
What I Liked About The Piece: You have talent and it’s obvious in this piece. The topic of your tale is always a favorite. You have a definite grasp of description.
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What I Feel Needs Work: The number one problem I found with this piece is that it lacks spark. I think that is due in part to a large amount of long sentences. Some examples are below.
The master-at-arms would have been proud as the knight did not wait for his attacker’s next move, but immediately followed his flying blade in a rush, drawing his long sword and hearing a startled howl cut short behind him as the errant bolt found another mark.
Lamenting the damage to his accoutrements, not the least to him the distasteful stains on tabard and horse blanket, he still congratulated himself on his martial skill, his field dressing – the bandage stopped the bleeding while the salve took nearly all the pain- and his luck with that final bolt.
The day’s climb in armor to the lofty cave mouth was difficult, the sweat running off his chest and back dampening the breeches underneath his leggings, his boots chafing at the heel as he scrabbled for purchase once the path became little more than a rocky cliff.
At the moment his thrust began, the small bony mace that was the tip of her tail caught him below the small of his back, snapping his spine and sending the blade darting over her head, splintering itself on the stone pillar inches above the maiden as she woke to the sudden tumult.
You will always be more effective using shorter and more direct sentences. Readers lose interest when forced to re-read or if faced with too many adjectives. Sometimes the best way to say something is to keep it short and sweet.
I recommend that you go back through the story and see what difference it makes to shorten these up. I think you will be pleased with the result. You will gain a more favorable emotional response from the reader.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: See Above
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I am what is known as an impatient reader. This means if you haven’t grabbed me by the shirt early in the story you lose my attention. This is what’s happened here.
I do recognize your talent and I think with a bit of polish this story will be wonderful.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I’m giving you a 4 because I feel the story needs some work and fails to gain an emotional response. I would like to see it again with any changes you make. Thank you for sharing.
What I Liked About The Piece: Your writing style is fantastic, your voice very strong. I think your topic is promising and very interesting. You have a good grip on detail and your character seems to be coming along nicely.
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What I Feel Needs Work: If I am understanding your statements regarding your story the first part is the dream sequence. I would rewrite this part and place him right in the moment. Instead of starting with Anton remembered … go right into the shadows in the present tense.
This will open up the doors you need to tell the reader his age etc. It will also add more emotion and power to the piece. When you do this, however, you need to remember that you must write as a 12 year old thinks. This means more work. For instance, would a 12 year old describe the ocean as the starting of an engine?
Fill the dream with details. Tell the reader how this small 12 year old child felt when his skin was ripped open by this shark. Make us feel his panic and fear. You will gain very powerful emotional responses from the reader if you give them the same.
When you go into the transition you can bring in how they looked for the shark and never found it. This will also give you a chance to bring things in the current dream sequence into the story that might be lost during editing.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Only in his dreams did she exist You really should not capitalize this on it’s own. I recommend that you use italics instead. This would apply each time you are referring to the shark. Use italics to separate and place emphasis.
Your question on He/Him usage Yes, I believe it is correct. Whenever I have a question on grammar I refer to this site http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/index.htm It gives you great lessons on proper grammar and even quizzes to make sure you have learned. I recommend you bookmark it. If you are like me you will use it often.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you 4 stars because the story is above average right now as is. That doesn’t mean that I think you should just drop it. I know that I’m suggesting a lot more work but you story is well worth it.
If you do any revisions on this piece please let me know and I will review it again.
What I Liked About The Piece: The thing that most impresses me about this chapter is that it is written in such a way that it could be a short. It stands on its own merit and I am not sure I’ve ever come across that.
Your main character is well developed and likable. The story line draws you in and keeps your attention. Your writing style is wonderful and distinctive.
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What I Feel Needs Work: I don’t see anything that needs work. This chapter did well on it’s own, with chapters backing it up it can only be stronger.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: I found no spelling or grammar errors.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I was drawn into the woman’s plight. As with any good piece of writing I became one with the story. This is a very well written piece.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 5 because I am very impressed with this chapter. I would be interested in knowing when your story comes into print and where it might be purchased.
I highly recommend this chapter to any writer. Not just because it is a good tale but because it offers an excellent lesson on structure. All chapters should stand alone this well!
What I Liked About The Piece: Your story shows a lot of promise. Your style is free and easy. Your story is welcoming and keeps the readers interest.
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What I Feel Needs Work: The only thing I can suggest at this time is to add a bit more detail. Put me in the classroom, make me smell it, taste it and feel it.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Spacing Your story will be easier to read if you put a space in between paragraphs. This is the standard when publishing online.
Lets listen in, shall we? Let’s
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I liked this story and the way it’s written very much. It brought a smile to my face a couple times. Humor is sometimes very hard to write. Very well done.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I’m giving you a 4 because I feel your piece is very well written and promises to be a winner.
What I Liked About The Piece: The poem has good rhythm and rhyme. The feelings of the author are strong and the piece reflects them. The aesthetics are good and it’s appealing to the ear.
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What I Feel Needs Work: nothing that I can see
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Shrug our shoulders don't let our eyes cry,.Take out the comma.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I would have liked to have a stronger emotional pull. I couldn’t identify with the piece.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4.5 because this is a well written piece even if it wasn’t to my taste. Not every reader will like every poem but a good reader can still see the talent. Thank you for sharing Ann your pieces are all wonderful and you are a very talented individual.
What I Liked About The Piece: Your story is heartfelt and timely. The of the piece flow is good and well paced. Your voice is strong. The piece is able to hold the readers attention.
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What I Feel Needs Work: There are a lot of grammar and spelling issues you will have to address. I also found a few fragments that you will want to rework.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
Spacing When posting online it’s standard practice to put a space after each paragraph. This makes the piece easier to read.
I was the amongst the first batch stationed here I was the amongst
Men had been killed on the field, inside homes( if one could call them so), and inside cells. add a space after homes
just because there was no cells vacant there were
carved on it neatly.. He Take out extra period.
All else were shots(‘Shot’ was referred to a soldier killed on the battlefield). space between shots (
1’o clock. space after the 1, this is also a fragment sentence you may want to revise
I lost eleven men of my battalion and the double the number were reported missing from battlefield. I lost eleven men of my battalion and the double the number were reported missing from the battlefield.
I did not befriend anybody for I had begun to fear both friendship and relations”. Take out the quotation marks.
The battle out there was at it’s zenith its - possessive
I eyes went dark and my knees buckled. My eyes
it’s troops in Africa as an aid to U.N peace keeping force its - possessive
The commander-in-chief reported, “ Gentlemen, the “Gentlemen
Lets show them that we are united Let’s
I tried to force tears into my eyes, life into my tongue, blood into my brain. tongue, and blood
“ Do you know his name?”. take out the space
“ They know nothing about him? take out the space
Family, emotions, relations, and above all, my ambitions. fragment
The all-time-favorite amongst our battalion. fragment
Time to go. fragment
Dead as the bodies lying below. fragment
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: This is a wonderful story that will hit home with anyone who has been in the military. This piece will bring tears to the soft hearted.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4.5. Yes, you have a lot of grammar and spelling to attend to. I try to judge on emotions, the tale and how it was told. You have a wonderful talent and you have written a worthy story.
I strongly recommend you do go back and make the corrections needed.
I would recommend this to any soft heart in need of a cry.
What I Liked About The Piece: I liked that it told a story. I especially liked the ending. I think the topic is excellent.
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What I Feel Needs Work: The third stanza is rough and upsets the flow of the piece quite a bit. I would recommend you rework it to better fit.
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Which slayed the angles Do you mean Angels? Angles a member of a Germanic people that invaded England along with the Saxons and Jutes in the 5th century A.D. and merged with them to form the Anglo-Saxon peoples
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: It brings up feelings of reminiscing days gone by.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I’m giving you 4 stars because the piece lacks power. The emotional response needs to be stronger. I also think that once you revise the third stanza it will help the flow and make the piece easier to read.
What I Liked About The Piece: I liked your style and topic. I was also very impressed by your ability to show both the views of Mother and child. This is a very well written and honest piece of poetry.
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What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing it’s perfect as is.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: NA
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: You made me look at how I talk to my kids. You point out the flaws in all of us. This is now one of my favorite pieces. Thank you for sharing.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: You get 5 because this piece is perfect.
I recommend this piece everyone. It will open your eyes to both your parents and your children.
What I Liked About The Piece: I love your lead character he is well rounded and believable. Your writing style is friendly and pleasant. You’ve given enough detail to make the story entertaining. Wonderful job!
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What I Feel Needs Work: It’s incomplete. YOU didn’t tell me the end. What happens to Jeremy? Have you thought of extending this story?
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Nothing that I found.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: Jeremy makes me smile and has found a warm spot in my heart. I love your story and this character.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 4.5 because YOU did not tell me if Jeremy gets a home. Shame on you! IF you give Jeremy a home I will go back and give you a 5 Deal?
This is a charming story. I recommend it to anyone in need of a smile.
What I Liked About The Piece: This piece is daring, raw and emotional. You have a wonderful ability to draw the readers attention. Your visualizations are excellent. Your writing style is welcoming and strong. Your topic, heartbreaking and the mirror of life.
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What I Feel Needs Work: Just grammar and spelling.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions:
skin; he looked weak and malnourished which,he was. Make this two sentences and put a space after the comma.
Add a space between paragraphs 2 & 3.
paper as ball. as a ball.
bed which has ropes intertwined forming a net, had
he doesn’t throw didn’t
Add a space between paragraphs 21 & 22.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: I feel regret for the little boy and my heart wants to cry. The visualizations of the boy hugging the puppy were amazing. This is one of the best stories I’ve read on writing.com.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I am giving you a 5 because this story is powerful and heartfelt despite grammar flaws. I also think at you may be getting lower ratings because readers are not comfortable with your story content.
I would recommend this story to any reader who is able to face the horrors of the real world and still see talent. Thank you for sharing and if you change or add anything to this story please let me know.
What I Liked About The Piece: I Love that you are asking questions. So many don’t bother.
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What I Feel Needs Work: Does Not Apply.
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Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Does Not Apply.
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How The Piece Made Me Feel: SAVE your money! There are too many legitimate conventions that you can sign up for.
Don’t pay them to have your work published there are many places you can go. Most will send you a free copy of the publication your work appeared in.
I suggest you join the GoingPro group. They can help you on your way. They offer not only support but links to viable job markets, publishers and agents.
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Why You Got the Rating You Did: I’m giving you a 5 for your question alone. I hope you find what you are searching for.
What I Liked About The Piece: Everything. I love the raw honest emotions and feelings that you have poured into this piece. I love that it’s real and in your face. Fantastic job and perhaps one of the best pieces of poetry I’ve even had the honor of reading.
What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing it’s perfect as is!
Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: None
How The Piece Made Me Feel: Alive and scared and fragile and emotional. I can identify with the author and the feelings in the poem. I recommend this piece to anyone. Wonderful job thank you for sharing.
Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 5 because this piece is wonderful. I really enjoyed it and I will check out more in your port because of it.
Where I Found This Piece: Best of Writing.Com nomination
What I Liked About The Piece: I like your writing style. You present your piece in a friendly tone that begs the readers interest. I think this piece is very well done.
What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing that I could see.
Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Nothing that I could see.
How The Piece Made Me Feel: Your writing style makes the reader feel warm as if they were setting in for a story from Grandpa. I like this piece quite a bit. Thank you for sharing and I hope you find that the rats remain afraid of you.
Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 5 because this piece is well written, interesting to the reader and perfect in spelling and grammar. Fantastic job on this short but wonderful piece
What I Liked About The Piece: This is a very romantic poem full of love. It’s pleasing to both eye and ear. The flow is wonderful. A very emotional piece and an easy read.
What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing at all you have a winner.
Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Nothing I could find.
How The Piece Made Me Feel: I think that this is a very romantic piece. I really didn’t feel anything though, then again, I’m not the romantic sort.
Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 4.5 because I think the piece is wonderful even if it’s not my style. Fantastic job!
What I Liked About The Piece: This is a wonderful and very emotional poem. I love the story of the woman and her children. You created fast and extreme visualizations as well as invoked strong emotional responses.
What I Feel Needs Work: Nothing at all you have a winner.
Grammar and Spelling Suggestions: Nothing I could find.
How The Piece Made Me Feel: You made my heart rush and skip a beat. You allowed me to enter this woman and I felt her fear. Fantastic job you could not make this piece better if you tried. Congrats you have earned a 5.
Why You Got the Rating You Did: I gave you a 5 because the piece is perfect.
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