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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chuck2222
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15 Public Reviews Given
40 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Veronica,

The more I read this poem, the better I like it. You capture the memory in a series of powerful images. The story has a certain rawness to it, a realism that grabs at every sense – sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. And yet, it is undeniably romantic. This is a very nice piece of work.

I have a few suggestions that you might weigh as possible improvements. They are mere suggestions and intended only as the most positive and constructive criticism.

In lines 3 and 4, I would delete "that". It does not add to the poem and is an unnecessary word. That said, however, I would leave the "that" in line 5. Inclusion of the word in line 5 serves the purpose of setting the assertion that "we were happy, you and I" apart from and above the lesser details of clothing and beer.

The second stanza sets the scene. Initially I was troubled by the combination of "excessive cigarette smoke" and "crisp Northern Michigan air", but I think I can picture the bar now. Perhaps you want to say that the cigarette smoke "mingled" or "mixed" or "filled" or "curled" or "hung" in the "crisp Northern Michigan air". By the way, "excessive" strikes me as a little excessive – it is a lot of word. Can you capture the same idea by replacing "smelled" with "reeked" in line 6?

The heart of the poem, stanzas three and four, are just right. The loud music and the rowdy couple are in perfect contrast to the silent, scowling regulars at the bar. I really like the line "We did not move for the longest time."

The only change I might make to the sixth stanza would be to delete "completely" out of line 21, only because I like the symmetry of "Drunken and foolish" and "Unaware and careless". Once again, in the last line of the stanza, you call forth the sense of time standing still.

This is a radical idea, but you may consider ending the poem right here. For me, the emotional climax of the poem is at the end of the sixth stanza and everything that follows engages my thinking and detracts from my feeling. The last two stanzas are like a summation, an explanation, but I want to stay on the floor of the bar, laughing, with you in my arms.

I apologize, Veronica, if I have meddled too much in your poem. Please do not feel any obligation to alter it at all. I like it very much just as it is. Thank you for writing it.

Chuck
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Review of First  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow -- very nice work.

I like the first person directness of this piece. It brings intensity to the work and draws the reader into that intimate space between you and the boy you love. The emphasis in the first two lines of "the first" creates the tension of an unspoken question – the first what? The following lines propose an unspoken answer, telling just enough, and not too much, to invite the reader’s imagination into the poem. You perfectly capture a tone both lighthearted ("Hey baby", "be happy -/I'll smile" “enjoy/You”) and sensual.
I especially am impressed by the way you choose words that evoke a time (“play records”) or an age (“Rogue-ish boy”) or a place (“passenger’s seat”). Such careful word choice brings your reader to an emotional understanding of the scene with the kind of verbal economy that marks a very well written poem.

I don’t feel strongly about punctuation so long as the meaning is clear (I personally tend to punctuate, probably out of a need to control), but I found the inconsistency of your punctuation somewhat distracting. Perhaps you have a reason I missed, but generally I try to either consistently end sentences or not, to either begin lines with capitals or not. But this is the most minor of criticisms of a poem I really enjoyed.

You have a very fine use of the language. Thank you for writing.

Chuck
3
3
Review of Remember Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a thoughtful and thought-provoking piece of work. While not a haiku in the traditional English language sense (e.g. it does not follow the usual 5-7-5 syllablic structure and it does not grow from a season or a nature theme), it does capture the essence of haiku in its brevity and kiru, and fits within the looser structural definition of American haiku.

The juxtaposition two possible legacies is both disconcerting and compelling. I think many of us, maybe especially aspiring writers and poets, spend our lives in dreams of "what I could be" or "who I could have been". We are disappointed and discouraged by having settled merely for "who I was". Like Terry Malone (the Marlon Brando character in "On the Waterfront"), we come to the end crying, "I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody".

Your poem, however, turns this common theme upside down and asks that you be remembered for the truth rather than for wishes or dreams or unfulfilled potential. It strikes me as a sensible but very brave request -- give me an honest epitaph. This poem makes me stop and think, which rare and powerful in poetry.

Thank you for writing.
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Review of First Appearances  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderful piece. From the title, which foreshadows the lake's deception to the line breaks, which hold the meaning of the poem in just the right amount of tension, to the image itself of the lake in mist, every aspect of this poem works as it should. This is a poem, as Eve Merrian says, without "core / or stem / or rind /or pit / or seed / or skin / to throw away." Very nicely done -- so worth the read. Thank you for posting it.

Chuck
5
5
Review of after Forever  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I can see why you like this, it is a very nice piece of work. Without a strong image, you nonetheless create a powerful and consistent sense of theme. The poem speaks of defeat and destruction, but because you write with such clarity and confidence the tone is one of strength and endurance.

I especially like the lines, "after all has been broken that matters" and "after notions of honor have crumbled".

My one complaint is that the poem seems to me to be unfinished. I want to know what is left when "after Forever is all that remains". It seems to need an "After the worst has happened, yet "X" endures" kind of concluding stanza. Of course, this is just one opinion and the poem is compelling language just as it is.

Thank you for posting. I enjoyed reading this.

Chuck
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Review of Quake  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
What a great opening image for your poem. I was disappointed to find that you so quickly abandoned the first two lines in favor of a more obvious and less interesting description of the earthquake. I had hoped that you would extend the metaphor -- the night (or the earthquake) some drunken dance partner; the music turned dissonant or too loud -- you get the idea.

Nonetheless, you have, in addition to that terrific opening, some nice use of language. I really like the line "My fear is a mirror." It is a good line to say aloud.

Thank you for posting this piece. I enjoyed reading it.

Chuck
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Review of One Blow  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very interesting stuff. I like it. You have some wonderful and compelling images in this poem. They are a little jumbled together and sometimes you change them so quickly that it startles the reader, but that may actually strengthen the overall tone of anger in this poem. Assuming you are doing this purposefully, congratulations on some daring and creative choices.

I especially like some of your language. "Beyond dawn's tranquil ocean" and "Fists are but knuckles" are both terrific lines. The final four lines are also just great. I love the allusion to the straw house.

Thank you for posting this work. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Chuck
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Review of Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Chuck Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is nice work. I like the conversational tone. It is not flippant or light-hearted, but neither is it somber or heavy. Death is invited, welcomed, without any wailing or angst, yet the poem is very serious. The calmness is actually more macabre than a more dramatic approach might have been.

The rhyme is natural and adds to the poem, rather than getting in the way (as happens so often in lesser poems).

Perhaps you were looking to create emphasis or add power with the repetition of "linger" and "wait" in the first two stanzas, but I found myself distracted by the redundancy. You might experiment with some other words. Of course, those kinds of decisions belong to the poet alone.

At any rate, it is the most minor of criticisms. This is a fine effort and I enjoyed your poem very much. Thank you for posting.

Chuck
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