Veronica,
The more I read this poem, the better I like it. You capture the memory in a series of powerful images. The story has a certain rawness to it, a realism that grabs at every sense – sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. And yet, it is undeniably romantic. This is a very nice piece of work.
I have a few suggestions that you might weigh as possible improvements. They are mere suggestions and intended only as the most positive and constructive criticism.
In lines 3 and 4, I would delete "that". It does not add to the poem and is an unnecessary word. That said, however, I would leave the "that" in line 5. Inclusion of the word in line 5 serves the purpose of setting the assertion that "we were happy, you and I" apart from and above the lesser details of clothing and beer.
The second stanza sets the scene. Initially I was troubled by the combination of "excessive cigarette smoke" and "crisp Northern Michigan air", but I think I can picture the bar now. Perhaps you want to say that the cigarette smoke "mingled" or "mixed" or "filled" or "curled" or "hung" in the "crisp Northern Michigan air". By the way, "excessive" strikes me as a little excessive – it is a lot of word. Can you capture the same idea by replacing "smelled" with "reeked" in line 6?
The heart of the poem, stanzas three and four, are just right. The loud music and the rowdy couple are in perfect contrast to the silent, scowling regulars at the bar. I really like the line "We did not move for the longest time."
The only change I might make to the sixth stanza would be to delete "completely" out of line 21, only because I like the symmetry of "Drunken and foolish" and "Unaware and careless". Once again, in the last line of the stanza, you call forth the sense of time standing still.
This is a radical idea, but you may consider ending the poem right here. For me, the emotional climax of the poem is at the end of the sixth stanza and everything that follows engages my thinking and detracts from my feeling. The last two stanzas are like a summation, an explanation, but I want to stay on the floor of the bar, laughing, with you in my arms.
I apologize, Veronica, if I have meddled too much in your poem. Please do not feel any obligation to alter it at all. I like it very much just as it is. Thank you for writing it.
Chuck
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