Funny and well-written. Although I was a little bit unclear who the person doing the autopsy was talking to at the start ,and from whose point of view the story was taking place. Perhaps this could be fixed with a kind of "The wind-rushing darkness receded and gradually, hazily, he heard a voice. He slowly opened his leaden eyelids." introduction? But then again that might spoil the ending...
Anyway, keep writing! I like your style and thinking.
Ah hah! Lazarus lives on, eh? Reminds me of a poem I wrote once about "Jesus and Lazarus sitting at the bar/resurrecting the old days"
Anyway, back to your story. A couple of typos bring this happy go lucky tale of two lovers down a little, for example in the first line "your -> you're", "boy friend ->boyfriend" and the last line "planed ->planned"
And you don't mention where he got the bomb to blow up the bank from, or how washing singed money will make it look like new ...
Apart from all that, I liked the lines:
"Terri screamed as Lewis was struck by a Honda Civic and then run over by a delivery truck"
"She punched him in the nose and then handed him a napkin."
Nicely done. I liked it a lot. A couple of small comments first:
Can I recommend 'stiff' instead of 'body' in this part:
"What is it, Kennedy?
This man lives here, might know the body.
Thank you, Kennedy. Are you sure you want to see, sir? "
Because it sounds weird to know a body.
You don't need to say whom here:
"She gave me the name of a man whom Stephanie went to university with, a beat by the name Arthur Kwimp"
Unless you want say
"She gave me the name of a man with whom Stephanie went to university, a beat by the name Arthur Kwimp"
But that would be too formal I think. Just who would be fine.
" I disassembled my gun, cleaned the action, re-assemble it and slid the loaded magazine in with a click."
reassembled is fine I think, without a hyphen but with a d
Sometimes when people speak in your story it's indented and sometimes it isn't. It might flow smoother if this is consistent. Also, I know you probably don't want to use inverted commas for dialogue for stylistic reasons, but personally I think it would make the story clearer to the reader. Your writing style is good enough to do that without sacrificing punctuation.
Why did Karen ask Krow to look into the crime? Could perhaps use a few more locks picked, otherwise this story could happen to anyone with a detective streak.
Apart from that, I love the character, the style, the title, the cold, bleak world, the dark humour and the premise of a safe-cracker teaching his son his trade. Got any stories from their early years? Or about his search for his dad?
Hi there. This is very short! There were a couple of English errors that I picked up on which fixing might make the story clearer, because it's so short, clarity is all the more important I guess, isn't it?
I hope you don't mind, but the English teacher in me has now come out and would like to correct your English. Here it is re-written:
"The traffic signals were off. He reached the crossroads, casually looked left and right, pulled the accelerator to cross and turn right, but got hit by a car.
Unhurt, he got up and went to scold the beautiful lady who apologized before he spoke. He shouted at her anyway and returned.
His bike was gone!"
It's not perfect, but I think it's better.
You might want to elaborate a little, e.g. by mentioning if it was a motorbike or a bicycle earlier on, and perhaps discussing the emotional and physical state of the rider after being hit?
But it's up to you of course.
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