Even though the author's choice of words is excellent, conveying emotions well and painting a clear picture, the poem itself doesn't flow that well, causing the effect of the words to lessen their impact.
I especially like the punchline "Every ounce of energy it tried to give away.
All wasted….in a world where it didn’t mean so much."
Although the term 'lust' in itself is not being explored in this piece, the author does a fine job of describing an act of lust.
He set the mood by listing facts, before moving on to emotions and experiences. Then winds it down nicely at the end; although the last line ('but something so much more') seems too weak to do the intensity of the poem justice.
I'm also not sure about the inconsistency of the punctuation.
All in all, the poem floats nicely, with an unoffending choice of words used to describe an easily offending subject.
Well done!
This is, to me, the type of poem that should be accompanied by someone plucking a base in a smoky, dim lit place where the reader's breath intensified by the microphone would take the poem to another level altogether (think Larenz Tate in Love Jones).
This is a story about a girl who's suffered a major trauma at a young age, and because of it was alienated by everyone in town. By chance, a newcomer falls 'prey' to this 'crazy girl' and, unlike everybody else, is not willing to resign to her fate. He puts her upto a challenge, one she hesitantly accepts.
The author has a very captivating way of writing; the 'I'-person is barely revealed, and really, I couldn't have cared less.
The only fault I have found was some punctuation inconsistencies around the middle of the text. The biggest error being in " “Is there more, she pleaded, please is there more”."
All in all, a great read. Hope to read more entries such as this one!
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