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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chicochica
Review Requests: OFF
254 Public Reviews Given
355 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
It's important for writers to know what's working and what isn't, and as a reviewer, it helps to know if you have a specific concern as the writer. I'm an English teacher, winner of my university's fiction contest, and received honorable mention in 2019's Popular Fiction contest by Writer's Digest. My review will likely be specific but holistic, kind but honest. I'll let you know what truly grabs me or loses me. During the school year I won't be able to review much, but definitely hit me up over the holiday season or the summer months (North America) or during this COVID mess.
I'm good at...
Discussing structure, characterization and dialogue, literary merits, style, tone/voice. I can be very thorough. I'm also very good with grammar and spelling, though I'd like to avoid that in a review unless it's specifically for that.
Favorite Genres
YA, lgbtqiap+, romance, satire, contemporary
Least Favorite Genres
Religious, children's, fantasy, sci-fi, fanfiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and poetry; non-fiction pieces
Least Favorite Item Types
I don't have time for novels (including chapters) and other lengthy texts.
I will not review...
I'm uninterested in any works that discuss rape, racism, violence, etc. . These are topics few can handle responsibly. If your work is rife with basic grammatical and spelling errors, I won't read it. Do the grunt work first, then ask for that help. Also: religious works aren't my thing. Growing/Shrinking, vore -- whatever the weird genre du jour is, I won't read it.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this poem. You have some beautiful lines here, create a loving tone tinged with sadness. The first stanza grabbed me. Lines like "Her mouth spoke with pearls" -- are you kidding me? Gorgeous. The end line closes it all so well.

I do have some suggestions--do with them what you feel is best!

For me, the flow and general tone of the poem falls apart in a few places, beginning with the title. For me, it's a bit much and I think it would benefit from a word being taken out. As it is, it doesn't quite match the beautiful prose of much of your poem.

Secondly, lines such as this one: For many years, a life shared./To nurture, help, care for a beloved family. seem out of place. I might consider getting rid of them entirely as the next lines return to the more established flow and tone of the poem.

In all, this is one of my favorites that I've read on WDC. I am so sorry you're going through or went through this with your mom, and that your mom has to go through it. It's one of my biggest fears.

I am so glad I ran into this. I hope this review has been helpful in some way!
2
2
Review of A Note to Self  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I'd like to begin by stating that though I see why people say this, I generally don't subscribe to the "if the first few sentences or lines don't grab my attention, I won't read" because so many great works don't.

With that said, your first stanza grabbed me. I've been dealing with some negative thoughts lately--they've been loud and insistent, and your simile comparing them to litter just--well, it's a perfect comparison.

Then your second stanza--I've been there as well. It seems so simple, just to focus on daily things, but simple is usually best. I tend to overcomplicate anything I can, and that's when I fall apart faster.

And your third stanza: feed my soul the way I feed my body/at least three times a day just gave me inspiration and a spark to seek out ideas. I don't believe in a god necessarily, but those first two lines made me wonder what it is that helps me feed my soul.

I'm really glad I ran into this piece today. Thank you for sharing it.
3
3
Review of The End of Her  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is beautiful. The first stanza is, by far, my favorite. You put something impossible into words. This is the type of poem I hate to pick at, so if you have specific concerns or questions, please let me know. As it is, it's gorgeous and I wish I could find the words to do the same for a close friend of mine who I lost last year.
4
4
Review of Jamie's Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a good story!

I do wonder if it ends, though. While I'm not looking for all the loose ends to be tied, this doesn't feel like an ending. The flashbacks were a little tricky--it got so I didn't know where I was anymore, when the flashback ended so much, etc. I know you used asterisks, but it didn't quite register with me.

I think what I mean with the story ending is that there's no conclusion. Yes, the two parents have divorced, but beyond that...? The character, the main character, needs to come to some sort of conclusion from these experiences. The divorce/Jaime's autism is the trigger, but who does she become, what does she learn and who does she learn it from?

There's a lot of room for expansion here. I loved the cafe scene--the waitress. As it stands she's merely a vehicle for furthering the story, but I wonder if she can't be more of a character, too. Can the MC learn something from her? Why do we learn her story, too, instead of just using her as a sounding board? She could really help the MC, I think.

Your descriptions, I thought, were apt but perhaps lacked the prose I think you're capable of. I would work on that a little--I think in many areas you have sufficient description, but it may (this is up to you) lack a little by way of use of language and literary tools. The description you do have, as I said, is sufficient enough to not render the reader bored and it's interesting--things like the waitresses shirt buttons pulling a little. That's easy to visualize and gives an indirect guide to what this woman looks like. I'd just work on the prose. I'd like this woman--the MC--to have a stronger voice in the narration.

I really enjoyed this, though. I think you have just a bit more to go to make this memorable. Please let me know if you work on it and would like a re-rate and review. I'd be more than willing.
5
5
Review of Warm Peach Pie  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Delight*

I don't laugh out loud very often when reading a piece on WDC, but I couldn't help myself when I came across this:

"I dare you," she says.

Damn.

(if anyone reading this review wants to know why--read the story!)

You have a fantastic way with words and with characters. I throughly enjoyed Gran--she's not just anyone's grandma, is she? Her granddaughter is a riot, too.

I really enjoyed this piece. Your economy with words showed, the narrative is fantastic, dialogue and characters realistic.

My only beef--and it may just be a personal thing--is the in beginning.

Hustling across the room, I snatch the pile of city citations from the coffee table and shove them in the sewing basket with the speeding tickets from last month.

Pulling the old folding screen in front of the gun cabinet is more of an undertaking

I'm hardly calling you amateur, but back to back sentences beginning with a word ending in "-ing" lends an amateurish air. For me. I understand the latter sentence is entirely necessary and not meant as a clever way for sentence variation, but it still stood out to me. Perhaps with the former sentence beginning with an introductory clause, my mind reads the next sentence (which begins with an "ing" word) the same. Does that make sense?

(that said, you have character development down pat. Sneaking in little tidbits like "with the speeding tickets from last month" really gives your reader an immediate impression of this woman without shoving the information in their face.)

Lame as this may sound, if I could award a 4.75, I would. I really think more could be done with the beginning. The rest of it, however, is fantastic.

Good luck in the contest (It hasn't been judged yet, correct? :)

And welcome to WDC! I look forward to reading more from you.
6
6
Review of Scarlet Bandit  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
OK. I hate doing this, because I know how much a 2.5 sucks after you've recieved a 4.5.

I really do.

But, you asked for a R&R, and I like to at least try to be honest and helpful *Wink* so I hope I am.

You're right: this is a fun little story. I liked it, and it's not my genre. At all. My biggest problem with it, though, is how cut and paste it seems to be. The little dream...is that a real dream? At first it seemed like a flashback, almost an explanation/answer for the paragraphs that preceeded it, you know?

My other issue is with your logistics. So Misty goes and scares the devil out of everyone in a bank, shooting up a storm, and then spreads the money around like she's Robin Hood?

Why would she do this? She's getting back at Garoman, right? I had to go back to the story to get that.

Why would so many (read: everyone) decide to sing her praises and take money that didn't belong to them? Who is Ashlyn exactly? (and what time frame are we working with, here, cus I'm not convinced "Ashlyn" works, but then again, I don't know).

I need a bit more background, story, something. I need something to make these scenes and these emotions come alive. Make them my own emotions, you know?

Just imagine the scene in your head, and get it down. Give us the sense, but don't knock us over the head with it.

I want to know Misty. If you tell her story, your readers will feel a lot more sympathy. She'll become the hero. Right now, she's just a character and we're not entirely sure what she's doing or why. Give us a compelling reason to love her and cheer for her, even when she's doing something questionable.

I have the feeling all this is is a skeleton of a story you have in your mind. That's not a bad way to start at all--just flesh it out, and let me know if and when you do. I'd love to read it and rerate if you like.

Thanks for the read! I do appreciate it. And no worries about the GPs--this was fun. I haven't really reviewed in a long time.
7
7
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found your request for reviews on the *drumroll* Request a Review Page *Smirk*

I love the stories of the Lorelei; sirens are wicked interesting and I love to see them written about. There's so much potential here with the right imagination and talent.

Onto my impressions:
I did enjoy this poem, but I have some concerns about it. I don't know if you were working for a particular meter or rhythm, a syllable count per line/stanza, but I can't seem to grasp any sort of pattern. Here's what I came up with:

8/7/7/8
8/7/8/7
8/7/8/7
8/7/8/7
9/8

I wish I knew more about poetry, 'else I'd also analyze the meter, the stresses of each word, but I don't trust myself enough with what I do understand to go there, so I hope you'll forgive me *Smile*.

I do suggest, if this is a formal style, to place the name of the style and a brief explanation of what it means at the end of the poem, probably in italics, to help your reader. Otherwise, the breaking of the words (evening into "ev'n") sounds too old fashioned and almost forced...like an attempt to sound authentic.

My last concern goes with the end: it doesn't seem to have one. The meter didn't slow down for me, bringing the poem to a conclusion. There was barely a mention of the fate the sailors met when meeting with the infamous Lorelei's--no crashes, no tragedies that become a person when they can't see (or hear) past the beauty. No mention of the fantasy versus the reality of these women who lured men to their rocky doom.

I'd love to see something in that realm.

I don't want you to think I didn't like this poem, though, despite what I've just said. It did have a lovely feel to the read--I just think with a more established rhythm it could carry the reader a bit more softly, cradle and, in the end, bring the reader to a concluding rest.

I don't often attempt (ok, haven't in years) to write a more formal style of poetry, and I have much respect for those with the patience to do so *Smile* Thanks for the read, and if you'd like me to rerate at a later time, please let me know!
8
8
Review of Sand and Water  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You know, I read this a while ago but didn't review *Blush*

I liked it then, though, and I like it now. You've got some good rhythm, awesome lines (the first stanza is my favorite), and something to say.

I don't know if you're looking for suggestions to better the so-called "flow" but I saw a few things you could consider if you wanted to:

This paper bridge is falling down.
You hold the match
while I pour the gasoline.

Helps the rhythm to the read :) A lot of the time little repetitions like that really help. I always preach "read your stuff aloud" but I rarely do--that doesn't mean it doesn't help though. Look for places to help the rhythm, words you could cut out (a real problem of my own), and this would really be amazing.

But all that said, I enjoyed this. You ask some good questions, bring up some good imagery, and the theme of combining, mixing, and the result is original to me. At least i haven't read anything like it here. Thank you for that.

There is obviously thought here, and I appreciate that. There are too many poems that don't seek wisdom or understanding, lack the ability to say anything, so this is refreshing.

Thanks for the read *Cool*
9
9
Review of lost.  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Let me start with this: I LOVE your first stanza:

cold
scraping along the floors
with dark dead hands
searching for the high of
a previous life: lost

Hello visual! Amazing. Good choice of words. *Cool* Same goes for that 5th stanza. *Thumbsup*

Really, stanzas 1, 3, and 5 are spectacular.

*Reading*
MY RATING:

This poem took me a few reads before I really started to understand just what it could be about. That's really ok with me. I don't mind having to think (though some days I might *Rolleyes*)

My problem lies in the fact that, at first, I thought perhaps this was just as you described in your description line: a bored in-class scribble. I used to do it...But this seems to have a theme to it. It's vague. The stanzas 2, 4, and 6 seem to bring it home. There's a definite thread of depression throughout, carelessness, angst.

I like this. But, my suggestion is that you ditch the background in your 90 character description and give us a taste of what this poem is about. It's a good poem. You've got a flair for words and rhythm...but I'm afraid--for me--it lacks sufficient emotion.

I would also take stanzas 2, 4, and 6 and try to do with them what you did with the others. Give me emotion. Give me darkness and hopelessness. Take those straightforward words and give them depth.

Just something I want to mention:

that's now lost creating a wave of?
nausea so strong that it erases
your memories of everything
it's cost you so strong that it is:
lost

The repetition of "lost" so close together I think could use a bit of work. And, also, I'm not so sure what you mean by the last two lines of this stanza.

Just so you know, I'm not lost to your return to the word "lost" at the end of every other stanza (which begs the question: why isn't the poem entitled "lost"? I see why it is "cold" I suppose. Curious)

I just think you could do better. I can see the theme here, and it doesn't bother me so much that it took me a few reads to start to get it, but it's still...kinda vague.

This is a great draft. Keep working on it, tighten it up, fluff it up, whatever. It's evident you have it in you. I'd like to see it if and when you decide to work on it. I hope I've been some help.

Thanks for the read. I really did enjoy it!

Welcome to WDC!


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10
10
Review of Just One Problem  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, I found you on the Read a Newbie page. Your poem description and title called to me, and I decided to read. Glad I did, too. I really enjoyed your poem.

Just to get this one suggestion out of the way, though: I think it would really help the read if you didn't double space your poetry. Made it feel like a much longer read.

That out of the way, you've got some really great lines here. Among my favorites:

I'm in love.
Migration passes through my stomach.
Butterflies are but pre-cursors to this.
A deep and unseen inside part awakes from two decades of perpetual slumber
The unknown stretches and groans,
Reaches out into unfamiliar territory,
Exploring the outside world.

Very nice. Original. Not very often will you see something in a love poem that even smells original, and yours does--at least to me *Wink* Fantastic job!

My criticisms are few and minute, but here they are:

But I may have a problem,
Just one problem;
It seems relatively insignificant,
But I could see it causing
Issues?

This is where things start to really slow for me. The breaks in the lines (especially "Issues") really jarred me. I'd just merge it with the previous line. See what you think.

My biggest beef with this line, though, is the question mark after "issues"--oversight? It doesn't seem to me that this is a question or could be construed as a question in any manner.

*Reading*
I may the Harry and the Romeo and the Tristan and the Him and the Me,

Again, typo? Missing a word?

Anyway, I do appreciate the originality and unique voice of this poem. I haven't read one like it yet, myself, so that was neat.

Welcome to WDC! Let me know if I can help you in any way. I hope you stick around.



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11
11
Review of Saved for Later  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like this poem.

At first, I wasn't sure what the description meant "A girl laments about a boy she wishes she didn't like." I wondered if she was in love with an abusive boy, something like that. For some reason the premise of unrequited love didn't occur to me.

But I liked it. This is a great angle. Its something I imagine many, many girls (and guys) can relate to.

By far, these are my favorite lines:

You, denizen of the world above
And me, creature of darkness;
Our eyes occasionally reaching across chasms
For moments, then
Flitting along divergent paths.

The visual is powerful. She's putting him upon a high, almost divine kind of pedestal. And me, creature of darkness I though was especially powerful. Speaks so much to how she feels compared to him.

I also liked the last lines:

Go ahead--
Ignore my sentiment
While you revel in your sunlight
And find new and creative ways
To let me down.

Putting "to let me down" in its own line...perfunctory. Powerful. The emotion is so strong there. Fabulous.

Anyway, here's where I did get jarred a bit. Take it or leave it, it really doesn't matter to me. But you might agree.

Your ample charm
From a distance, while you
Fraternize with the circle that
I don't dare attempt to join.

I would take "while you" and make it its own line. Then, I would ditch "that" in the third line as the word 95% of the time is superfluous. It's how we speak, but it's unnecessary.

This is how it would look:

Your ample charm
From a distance,
While you
Fraternize with the circle
I don't dare attempt to join.

Anyway *Bigsmile*

My 4.5 rating is due to a few things. Nitpicky, probably. The biggest reason is it didn't quite elicit a strong emotion out of me (except for those lines I highlighted above). I save the 5's for works that really strike me emotionally/intellectually, you know? That doesn't mean I didn't feel anything, it just wasn't *personal* you know?

Thank you so much for sharing. Welcome to WDC--I hope your experience here will be as amazing as mine has been. Let me know if you've anything else you'd like reviewed.



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12
12
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really don't remember how your story popped up onto my screen, but I can't tell you how glad I am it did. I hope every girl/woman reads this story of yours.

I had something happen to me when I was fourteen by a guy who worked for my stepfather. My mom and I were taking him home. I decided I didn't want to be dropped off on the way, and so I stayed in the backseat, directly behind him. I don't know how much I should say in a public reviewing forum, but something much like what you described here happened to me that night, with my mom driving. It was dark, and they were talking the entire time. I was frozen.

He never said anything to me, and I did everything possible to stay away from him. He continued working for my stepdad until he was caught with cocaine. It took me one or two years just to tell my best friend what happened, three years to tell my mom, long after he had been fired. But I still remember going home that night and taking a long, hot shower. It didn't help, and though it could have been so much worse, it was enough to rob me of my innocence.

It's disgusting and so unfortunate that we can't trust grown men in positions of responsibility (or just grown men period) to be alone with a girl. My husband is training right now to be a teacher, and he already knows better than to leave a door shut or be in a room alone with a student without another teacher knowing. He's scared to death of being accused, and so am I. I'm just grateful he knows to make every precaution he can. There are good men out there. It's a shame they have to live in fear because too many other men can't or won't try to get help and control themselves.

Again, I hope every young girl and parent reads this story. It's so important that everyone knows that you are hardly alone. If a man has been so daring to touch you, he's probably touched another girl, too. If he cared enough about his family and his job, he'd get some help at least and find a different job where he wasn't around children.

Thank you so much for this.
13
13
Review of Tapped!  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This has got to be one of the longest pieces I've read on WDC.

But I didn't notice. I didn't even check before reading, to be honest. In the end it didn't matter.

That's worth at least a half star to me *Bigsmile*

So, I really enjoyed this. I've always had a thing for odd stories, and this one is definitely odd--but it's also interesting. It didn't pain me to read through it (and lately, if I'm not interested within the first two or three paragraphs, I give up).

I didn't notice any grammar issues, though that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't any, but I do think it is a credit to you that even if there are, they're not distracting.

I like the characters you develop. I didn't really grow to love them or feel any sort of attachment to them, but I liked them, despite how I disagree with them. I believe this could easily be expanded into a much larger story, maybe even a novel, if you so chose to go that route.

I only have a few criticisms of this piece. The first is with the beginning. It seemed unnecessary and...well, it didn't grab me. You could establish the scene/setting without Anette and Davena deciding to head to their local Walgreens, all while throwing your reader right into the action. Make it mysterious and odd right away to establish that tone.

My other criticism, upon glancing back, is the lack of dialogue tags where you have a string of more than three. I didn't have a hard time with it, but I worry that perhaps other readers might. The particular instance I noticed was when Davena is calling Anette to say she couldn't go out for drinks. A simple "Anette said" or something might be helpful every now and again. There are places, such as when Davena and Ryan are at the bar ordering their drinks where you almost overdo the tags.

And then there are just the little things, like this Did you happen to see a man in his late 20s, where I'd write out the word "twenties"

In the end, I'm glad I read this. I always enjoy something a little unorthodox *Wink*

And I did like the end. I thought that ending paragraph was nicely done.

Thanks so much for posting this! (I believe I found it on the "Request a Review" page).

Best of luck to you!
14
14
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow, what a fabulous story.

Really. It screams "Brave New World" to me--have you read it? If not, you ought to pick it up. It's by Aldous Huxley.

Anyway, I'm impressed. Usually I don't pick up stories like this (I read Brave New World in high school), but I'm glad I looked at this.

You could absolutely expand this into a novel if you wanted to. I hope you're thinking about it.

I did notice a few things you might want to consider if/when you decide to work on this (and I hope you do--let me know).

*Reading*
I felt sweat bead on my forehead as his stare continued to meet mine. I'd be punished for my loss of control. Unnecessary sweating was a waste of moisture. Water that would have to be replenished.

"felt," more than not, is a telling word. I think you could make this sentence more active just by saying "Sweat beaded on my forehead" (is beaded even a word? *Rolleyes* but you see what I mean)

Also, the last sentence is a fragment. I understand that some writers--me included--use fragments on purpose, but I wonder if you might want to work on that one. It seems choppier than it needs to be.

*Reading*
Suddenly he had smiled.

"May I offer you a drink?" He'd said.

"Had" is a nasty little word. You really only want to use it when you're speaking in past perfect simple tense (in other words, when you're speaking about an action taking place before a certain time in the past...example: "I fell down the stairs my dad had built two years before.")

Same goes for "He'd said." Also, since this is a dialogue tag, you need to lowercase the "H"--even with the question mark. It doesn't matter *Wink*

In the same notion, you want to avoid adverbs like the plague. They tend to serve only to weaken your sentences. They are hardly illegal, but you need to be deliberate in its use. I wonder if a simple "He smiled" would suffice?

*Reading*
Before I could reply, an aide in a tight, black suit (that correctly displayed his well built physique, as per regs) handed me a crisp, cold, glass of water, open to the air!

Another thing you need to avoid are parentheses in narrative. They, too, tend to come across as lazy. You'll also notice the use of the word "that."

Maybe Before I could reply, an aid in a tight, black suit, displaying his well built physique per regulations, handed me a crisp, coldnocomma glass of water.

Now, you mention "open to the air!" as if it's something important, but you never explain why.

*Reading*
I greedily slipped at the delicious liquid before I remembered myself and thanked the Leader's generosity. Already I could feel the wonderfully pure coolness flowing through my veins; flowing as swiftly as my love for the Leader.

Again, those pesky adverbs. See if you could write this a different way--or, you could also describe his voracious thirst a different way? What I used to have to do (and still do) is run a find/replace on my word processor for "ly"

Also, I think you mean sipped, not slipped

*Reading*
A sudden boom sounded out the time, and I realised that it was MedHour.

I think this is a bit more wordy than it needs to be, just the first clause, though.

*Reading*
I quickly filled another spoon and shoved it towards 'her'.

I'm only going to mention the adverb this last time (I don't want to beat you over the head with it), but I wanted to show you how, 99% of the time, you could simply ditch the adverb and let the rest of the narrative stand alone.

The fact that the main character is shoving the spoon toward the woman indicates he's in a hurry *Smile*

*Reading*
Once free 'her' rubbed 'her' limbs, letting out litle little yelps of anguish as circulation returned.

First, I liked this sentence. I could see and hear what is going on. Good stuff.

But this sentence also is indicative of a problem you have with commas following introductory clauses or words. Things like "Already, I had..." needs a comma. Here, you need one after "Once free," otherwise it's confusing. I had to read it twice, at least.

*Reading*
I woke up in a bed. I was naked, I noticed almost immediately. My head felt clear, clearer than I ever remembered. Light was coming from somewhere, but not sunlight.

Another telling word is "was." While this is fine, technically, I wonder if you might like this:

I woke up in a bed. Naked. I noticed almost immediately...Light emanated from somewhere, but not sunlight.

Run a "find" on the word "was" and decide which ones you can rewrite to rid your work of the word. Sometimes it's okay, but most times you can do better. It's rough, though.

*Reading*
One last note, and that has to do with the use of semi-colons. I like semi-colons, too. One thing I've been taught, though, is that something can be grammatically correct and yet stylistically wanting. A woman in my YA Novel Workshop who's been published a few times told me editors aren't thrilled with the use of too many semi-colons. Use a period when you can.

Oh--and punctuation goes inside the quotes, even on "her." I'm 99.99% positive of that.

Under normal circumstances, I'd probably rate this a 3.5. BUT--I enjoyed this immensely, and that counts for a lot. It has significant potential, and very smart. Again, please let me know if you decide to work on this. I'd love to re-read/rate this.

I know I jumped the gun in my returning the review, so if there's another piece you had in mind, let me know. I just wanted to review this because I enjoyed it so much.

Thanks again for reviewing my chapter. I hope this has been helpful :)
15
15
Review of Tenderness  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, I'd like to welcome you to WDC--new as of today! (well, at least in PST *Wink*)

I ran across your poem while sifting through the Read a Newbie page. All sorts of good stuff on that page today, and I wanted to comment on yours. I enjoyed reading it.

I think you have some great poetic word choice here, and I don't mean descriptive, but in the way things roll off the tongue, so to speak.

Example:

part your lips
time slowly slips

I love those lines every time I read them. The rhythm works well there, and it just sounds neat.

I really think this poem has considerable potential. It is in need of a careful edit, as you have a few misspelt words and a few areas that *may* be in need of a word or two to help out the flow.

What really concerns me, though, is that I couldn't grasp a really tight theme in this poem (not right away..read on). The title and the description tell me this is a love poem, and while you've got words here that pertain to that theme, I'm still unsure. I'll show you where:

instead of roses
instead of gifts
why don't you look her in the eye
[as?] the world floats by

it doesn't take money
it doesn't take pride

I'm not sure what's going on, here...Is this more a poem about a person longing for another one? Telling them that it doesn't take material things (things that don't matter) to win over a girl's affection?

Ah! I think I'm getting it now.

By the way, the last two lines are awesome, right up there with my favorites.

I think with a little spit and polish, if you'll forgive the phrase, this could be an amazing poem. You've definitely got a great start. Let me know if/when you decide to work on this a bit more. I'd be interested in reading it again (seriously!).

Thanks for posting and allowing me to read your work. I hope I've been helpful. I'm really glad I ran into this tonight *Bigsmile*

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Review of Trampled  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
First, I want to say welcome to WDC! I hope your experience here will be as awesome as it has been for me. I've learned so much in so little time. Your writing can soar here. I know first hand *Wink*, though I still have much to learn. There is so much talent here.

I'm so glad I ran into your poem. The emotion comes through very strongly. I connected with it. Well done :)

That said, and I'm going to assume this is written from personal experience, I'm sorry you went through this. *hug* It's awful for any girl to date a guy like this.

Love isn't always enough.

You had some really powerful stanzas, but I do worry about the flow. Now, if you're not worried about the flow and just wrote this for catharsis, then feel free to ignore me, but I think you could make this poem have even more impact than it already has.

I always suggest that writers read their work aloud. It's easier and less daunting to do in a poem (they're often shorter *Wink*), but it's important to do get the kinks out. You can get a good feel for the rhythm, and the places where the groove fails will reveal themselves to you.

I think the one stanza that works the best is this one:

Once again I fall
For his voice when he calls
Whispering the words
So in love that it hurts

*Flower1* You also have some great rhymes that I don't see very often (ie: tender/surrender)

One thing that came to mind that you might consider when working with this is breaking your four line per stanza rule. This is a free-verse poem, so you have free reign with it. Of course, you want *some* structure, but see what you can do. You could always do a 4/5/4/5 lines/stanza, if that works.

This is a fabulous, heartbreaking effort. I worry about your calling this boy a "heartbreaker"--to me, he is much worse.

I hope you've found someone better.

Again, welcome! I hope to see you on the plug/request a review pages soon. You'll find great help there if you're looking for it.
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Review of Anxiety Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I wanted to let you know you're not alone in the slightest.

I've dealt with this all my life. My dad has it bad, and whether my grandmother knows it or not, she has it too, I'm almost certain of that.

I was doomed the second I was born.

Anyway, if it's really bad, you might want to consider getting to a doctor. I hated the idea of taking pills, but when the migraines came daily, I went. I didn't think she'd diagnose me with GAD, but she did (didn't surprise me) and she prescribed me some medicine.

After one day on this stuff, I was a completely different person. It was amazing. Still, I worried about taking them because I thought it could "all be in my head," but when I had to wean myself off one pill to switch to another, I would have a normal, fairly stress-free day and would still come down with an awful, nauseating tension headache.

This isn't the answer for everyone, but I wanted to let you know just in case. I might've started earlier had I known.

Anyway, back to the poem itself *Wink*

Besides the obvious reason, I was drawn to this poem because (as of yet) I have not been able to put these feelings to words, and I wanted to see how you did. I admire your effort. While I think this could use some work (it didn't have a flow or cadence to it...), I did like some lines in particular:

Will you help me out of this cycle?
Of black and white thinking

I know EXACTLY how that feels. There was never a gray area for me (I still have my bad days...just not as often). It either was or it wasn't. Black and white, just like you said.

That said, to help the flow of these two lines alone, I'd suggest getting rid of the question mark and starting the next line with a lowercase "o" (that last part is completely up to you...well, the first part is, too. Give it a read. The question mark makes me stop in my read when the statement isn't really done.)

I'm going to put this on the public review page in the hopes that someone else can go help you too, but I'll try to

My past seems so haunting.
My demons seem so persistent.
My future seems so uncertain.
Take all this misery away.

This one is *so* close to reading with a good flow. This is how I'd fix it up. Read it and see what you think:

My past seems so haunting,
My demons so persistent,
My future seems so uncertain
(unsure about this last line)

The way I work on flow and imagery in my poetry is to begin much like what you have here--bare bones, the basic idea, and build upon that. Then I find strong, descriptive words and verbs to help get that feeling across. I have a list in my port of words that have struck me over the last few months, if you're interested. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

My last suggestion is that you read this poem out loud. You'll catch the jagged edges more easily that way, and having recognized them, you'll be able to fix them.

Anyway, good luck with this. Again, I haven't been able to do it yet, so I'm glad you have. It's a real problem, and it really sucks. *hugs* Let me know if you decide to rework this. I'd love to re-rate this for you when/if you do.
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Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Thanks so much for helping me out with my survey! When I noticed your request on the review page, I remembered you and thought I could help you out as well *Smile*

I have to say, I haven't heard of any of these books yet. That might have to do with my focusing on the YA genre (it's what I write), but then again, it could be the fact that I just starting reading again not five months ago *Wink*. I have heard of Danielle Steel, though I haven't read her work yet.

That being the case, I appreciate the summaries you provide of each book, but I have to admit, the summaries alone didn't make me want to read the books, despite the ratings you gave them.

It might help if we knew what a 5 star rating means to you. A lot of people on WDC have written articles on how they review statics on the website. For all I know, you have as well, but if you do, I'd suggest you place a link on this piece so curious readers can go check it out :)

Other than that, these didn't read like reviews; like I said, they were more summary than anything else to me. I'm not familiar with the genre each writer (Except Danielle Steel), nor do I get any indication of why, exactly, you liked these books so much (or not as much as the others). It would be nice to see where you are coming from to have an idea of the standard you set for your reviews.

That said, I noticed some grammatical/mechanics/stylistic problems I'd like to point out to help you out a bit *Smile* Hope you don't mind. I can only assume you don't, since you asked for reviews, and you seem serious about this.

First Review
*Reading*
This one is the funny and heartwarming story of Grace, a single, Italian-Catholic, ex-Jersey Girl.

No need to capitalize "girl" :)

At first glance, this book is all funny, but it’s got twists and turns you’ll never see coming, parts will even have you running for the tissue box.

"This book is all funny" read awkward for me. Maybe you could try "...this book is a comedy, but..."?

Also, I'd like to see some examples, maybe an excerpt. Bait your readers! Convince them this is a 4.5/5, but also let them know why you give them a 4.5 and not a 5. This is a personal peeve of mine (concerning my own stories). I get a 4.5 and never know why, so you can ignore me, but anytime you imply that a story is great and then give it less than perfect score, you should explain it. Again, a separate article describing your reviewing style and likes/dislikes will help your readers--at least here on WDC--understand.

2nd Review
We all need an escape sometimes Lindsay Snyder came to the dieing town of Buffalo Valley to see the house her grandparents lived in.

This is a run-on sentence. I wanted the sentence to end after "escape," and it could. I know it should end at "sometimes," but without punctuation, it sounded like it should end a word earlier.

Also, I think you mean dying instead of dieing

She never planned to stay, but when her life in Georgia was all wrong, and the kids of Buffalo Valley need a school teacher, so out she goes,no comma for a year in Buffalo Valley.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean of "was all wrong." Give me a bit of an idea.

Also, "so out she goes" gives the same jarring effect. She never planned to stay in Buffalo Valley, so out she goes to Buffalo Valley? See what I mean?

She meets Gage Sinclair, a local farmercomma and their lives are forever changed, even if reluctantly.

I think you could restructure the part that reads "even if reluctantly" so it's a little easier on the mind. I'm trying to think of a better way, but the only things I can think of get messed up with the verb agreement "even if they didn't want it to" (I'm pretty sure it should be "them" to agree with "lives" but that doesn't sound right either). See what other people say, and go with what sounds better.

3rd Review
Riley is a naval seaman whose life changed when he met Hannah, and he’s been searching for months to find her. This woman who stole his heart and never gave him her last name.

I don't think there's anything technically wrong with your first sentence, but you could liven it up a bit. As a non-fiction static, you don't have to abide as strictly to the "avoid the to-be verb" rule, but I still think you should. Non-fiction doesn't have to be boring. You are, after all, talking about a fiction piece. See what you think of my suggestion (and remember, you won't hurt my feelings if you hate it)

Riley, a naval seaman whose life changed when he met Hannah, has been searching for months to find her.

4th Review
Yes, I really like Debbie Macomber, in case you were wondering.

Why do you like her? I haven't heard of her, and since I don't know your likes very well, I can't trust your judgment, but I should be able to. You should be establishing yourself as some kind of an authority. You don't have to have a Doctorate in English, but I should want to say to myself "Well, if Annie likes Debbie Macomber, maybe I should give her a shot, too."

Lindsay’s friend Maddy has decided to move to Buffalo Valley to be near her friend and her friend’s new husband. She’s hoping to find the same kind of happiness her friend found there.

Too much repetition, and I lose who the "friend" is by the end of the piece.

Anyway, aside from the hint of an interesting relationship, I don't know why I should read this, and I don't know why you gave it a 5.

5th review

Safe outside the hotel she, a reporter, a Grammy-winning singer and a nun will find their worlds permanently linked.

When I read this, I thought "oh, the main character is a reporter, a Grammy winning singer, and a nun. Huh!"

But then my sensible side told me that, while interesting, this would be too much work for most any writer *Wink*. I realized then you were creating a list of people who's lives become interchanged.

I think you could change this up to read Sarah's world becomes permanently linked with those of a reporter, a Grammy winning singer (which, by the way, I'm not so sure that's right either, since the Grammy's are given to singers only...right? Might be redundant), and a nun.

Sister Maggie will come to question her calling, and her new found love for photographer Everett Carson.

Again, maybe I'm still waking up, but when I read "Sister Maggie," I thought "Sarah has a sister named Maggie."

I'm only pointing this out to you in case others have the same problem, or in the case you agree :) You could fix this by simply placing in the sentences before with "and a nun named Maggie" *shrug*

I'd also change the sentence up a bit. Since Maggie is a nun, her new found love would make her question her calling. At least that's what I think--I haven't read the book. If that is the case, though, I'd write Sister Maggie questions her calling when she finds herself falling for photographer Everett Carson.

And award-winning Melanie will find her calling in rolling up her sleeves to help less fortunate instead of being the princess her mother would like her to be.

While it's not against the law to begin a sentence with the word "And," it's not encouraged in most cases. I'd suggest you try to avoid that here. Try starting the sentence at "Award-winning"

*Reading*
Anyway, this is a good start--a skeleton, if you will. I start many of my writes (especially my poetry) this way, and build upon it. As a reader, I'd like to know more about the books, more about WHY you like them so much, and I'd like to feel like I need to run out and buy them (since they're all highly rated). I don't feel any of that, unfortunately.

I really hope I haven't discouraged you at all. I know low rates can sting *Frown*, but I wouldn't have reviewed this just to do that. I review things I like and see much potential in. Good luck with your efforts. Thanks again for helping me out; I hope I did the same.
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Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I wanted to thank you for reading my chapter, and thought I'd come visit your port.

I noticed you're fairly new here: welcome! This is a great place. You expressed an interest in your bio that you'd like to improve on your writing. You'll find not only talented authors here, but wonderful reviewers who will help you become better.

That said, I wanted to share my thoughts concerning your poem :)

My heart breaks at the story behind this poem. It caught me off guard, and I did feel for your loss--I'm so sorry. I can't imagine losing such a close friend.

If I could offer a few suggestions to improve this, I'd like to. As this is an emotional poem, I want you to know unequivocally that you can ignore any and all suggestions. Sometimes we write poetry or prose in an attempt at catharsis, to cleanse ourselves from pain or anger.

*Reading*
Your rhyming scheme seems forced. You've got "friend/end" "me/free" "heart/start" "alone/own"

What happens when the scheme sounds forced is it becomes predictable. I believe you can do better if you're willing to put in the effort. Again, if you wrote this to grieve and do not care to, that's fine. I just thought I'd tell you I noticed it.

That said, I did enjoy the last stanza's rhyme immensely. It was different and rolled off the mental tongue. It's divine, really.

And since she has gone,
This heart-less world teases,
The constant reminder of my loneliness,
Has made me fall to pieces.

The only thing I want to point out is "heart-less" needs no dash.

But these are by far the strongest lines in this entire poem. It made my breath catch. It's really very good.

*Reading*
Then we've got the issue of flow. It does come together toward the end, like I mentioned, but in the beginning there are a few problems.

I do have a last hope,
My last hope is my only close friend,
I'll stay strong and smile,
Because she'll be with me till the end.

I'd avoid repeating the same phrase too close together (or at all). Perhaps you could consider changing the second occurrence of "my last hope" to a simple "She"

*Reading*
Now, I see you've got a rhyming scheme going on, and I'm going to interrupt that with my next suggestion. Again, just consider it and see if you want to try to restructure things a bit:

She has always been there,
Even when everyone left me,
She helped me make it through,
She had always set me free.

This might be nitpicky. I've been accused of the same in the past, but hear me out: try ending that second line at "left" and take out "me." Of course, you'll probably want to rework that last line, but see if you think it's worth it. I think that second line would read easier.

*Reading*
And I love her with all my heart,

Here I want to suggest starting that second line at "I" and I want to show you that, again, you've got a repetition of "Guide me" that just doesn't read well.

The other problem I see here is the last line Guide me till the end from the start.

This is an example of a very forced rhyme. While poets have artistic license to experiment with syntax (organization of words), this is awkward. See what else you can do here. Really give it a shot--I think you can do it. That last stanza tells me you can.

*Reading*
I have to tell you, the second to the last stanza is my second favorite. Not quite as good as the last, but good. I still think you can do better, though.

I am scared that i would die,
Because i never learned to live on my own.

This is more of a mechanics problem. "I am scared that I would die" isn't correct.

I am scared that I will die would be better. Or I was scared that I would die would work, too.

One last nitpick? Try to be consistent with the capitalization of your "i" I wouldn't care if you used capital I's or lowercase, though I can see the use of a lowercase in a sad poem like this...I could even see you using capital I's before the loss of your friend and then lowercase after. It would denote your feelings regarding yourself and life in general that way. At least that's how I interpret it.

If that's what you were doing *Wink* change that first I in the fourth stanza to lowercase.

*Reading*
I hope I haven't discouraged you. I honestly wouldn't have reviewed this and spent the time on it if I didn't enjoy it and want to see it improve to meet its potential. It also helped that you expressed an interest in your bio. Thanks again for reading my chapter and telling me what you thought. I'm glad you liked it.

Best of luck to you *Smile* I hope WDC is everything you need it to be.

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Review of DEPARTING TEARS  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm reposting this review because, apparently, I neglected to check the Public box *Rolleyes*

Hey, Khalish. I'm a judge for Round 7 of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and, for personal purposes, thought I'd review your piece along with my read. It helps me to keep a reign on my thoughts *Wink*

I want to start by saying an emphatic thank you for posting the guidelines to your poem's format, since it is formal. It helps me out a LOT.

I had a few thoughts as I read your poem, and wanted to share.

I'm not entirely sure I know what this poem is about. At first, I've got an impression of two lovers with a close bond. I'm not sure why they're crying, but the fact that one does not doubt the other's same reaction, speaks of a close bond to me here.

That said, I did enjoy those two lines:

Though I don’t know about you,
It can’t be otherwise.

*Reading*
In the second stanza, though, I started to become confused.

Our hearts beat in unison.
Our love was true and deep.
Even though unsuccessful,
Our word we tried to keep.

I started wondering (with that last line): was there adultery? And if so, why is one being so kind about it?

I guess I'm lost on what "word" it was they tried to keep. Wedding vows? Other promises?

Then, the fourth stanza:

It’s the destiny by which
We have not been favoured.

You mention destiny...and I think "star-crossed lovers?" Do we have a couple who wants to be together, but for some reason, can't be together?

Onto the poem's form:

You mention that it's 7-6-7-6. I didn't find anything wrong with your intended syllabic count. However, I did run into some speed bumps regarding your abcb rhyming pattern.

The third and fourth stanza's "b" lines don't rhyme...maybe this is due to a discrepancy in our accents (I just checked your port. India!), but it doesn't even closely rhyme for me.

Then, your last line really jarred. It felt forced in order to make the syllable count work, and really ended the poem on a bad spot for me.

*Reading*
Thank you for supporting our contest by entering! I hope this has been helpful. I want to wish you luck with the contest (I am not the only judge!) and in your other writing endeavors Delight
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Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
First, I'd like to welcome you to WDC! I hope you'll enjoy it here as much as I have.

I'd like to let you know that my reviews are done with the best of intentions and with the spirit of helping you further your writing ability to the best I can.

That said *Cool*

I think this story has potential. I would think about changing the title, though. There's something off-putting about it, and I think it'll push some of your readers away. One of the wonderful things about writing is helping others to see things, even controversial things, in a different light, to help them have some compassion on certain things they might not have before. You have that chance here.

Other than that, we've got a story about two best friends. They have their scheduled daily phone calls, little nicknames for one another, and the main character's parents are close enough to trust their daughter with them for an entire summer pretty far away. This is where the kiss happens.

This reads like a rough draft to me, and that's okay. I'd like to point out where I noticed a few problems, if you don't mind.

I do like how you don't delve right into the conflict of the story (is it a conflict?), but...like I just mentioned, I don't know if it's a conflict yet. It almost starts to read like a guy's favorite dream with the "skimpy" bathing suits mentioned right before the kiss.

There's no tension building. There's no indication that there's any attraction there. There's no conflict of feelings, no confusion, no confessions, no second glances, nothing.

It doesn't feel real yet. It just ends abruptly, and I think you can do better than this.

It felt like you were getting restless with the story and wanted to hurry to get to the "good part." It doesn't feel done yet, and that's ok. I can empathize with just wanting to get to the good part. If this is what you did on purpose, fine! *Cool*, but I wanted to mention it.

I'd like to see more expansion on the mother deciding whether or not to send her kid off with another family for an entire summer. I don't know if this girl has her father around, but if she does (whether her parents are divorced or not), the mom would be *required* to discuss it with him (I'm pretty sure of this). It would at least be the right thing to do.

Have something going on with one of the girls before the trip. Make your reader wonder if something is going on. Is anyone having issues with a boyfriend? How old are the girls? Where do they live now?

This will give you another step in creating your story. There is more to do, but you've got a good skeleton; now you just need to put on the meat and flesh. Make them well-rounded people. Make them have fears and desires. Make their home life like so many other teens' home lives (are they rich? poor?). Make them relatable, and you'll have something golden here. Let me get to know the parents, as well.

I wouldn't have reviewed this piece if I didn't like it. I do think it has potential, and I hope you'll put in the work for it. It's an incredibly satisfying thing, and you'll learn so much in the process.

Oh--and for better exposure, I'd suggest throwing in "relationship" as your third genre.

Thanks for posting, welcome again to WDC, and best of luck to you!
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Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
After reading your Tom Cruise piece, I had to check out your port. I'm having a hard time getting how you've been around since the beginning of September and I've yet to read any of your stuff. You've really got a talent for writing! I'm really impressed (and slightly jealous!)

This is a fabulous write. I feel so much for this girl (hopefully it's not you, but if it is, my condolences).

How awful that not only are the other kids going after this girl, but the teacher doesn't seem to care, either.

Your sentences were all active. I didn't see one word that didn't need to be there. Just a very well-written, entertaining story.

My favorite parts?

If I’m lucky, they hid my clothes in an obvious place, and nobody will see me like this.

lol. Oh, the irony!! It's killer!

*Reading*
And the Ontario government wants to make P.E. mandatory for all grades? Over my dead body!

After that bit with the ball smashing into her nose, I couldn't help but think that perhaps this is meant more literally than figuratively. It made me giggle.

*Reading*
Now, only one little pain-in-the-butt thing I'm sure was an oversight, because otherwise your punctuation was perfect:

No need for me to be teased about my lack of "endowment".

Period inside the quotes *Wink*

It's not enough for me to rate this any less than a 5.0. Really, good job. I'm thrilled I took a look in your port. Great stuff.
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Review of Black Gates  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I love your first line. It's punchy all on its own, and drops the reader right into the action.

I do wonder, though, about your choice to put those sentences into italics (btw, you need to use {i}{/i}--press shift then [ ] button)

Usually, I only see such use of the italics for inner dialogue. It doesn't work for me, and I think it would be more powerful without.

I also think, for suspense sake, you could do a bit more with your sentences.

For a split second she was reminded of her own garden...Nothing had ever mattered so much.

Does it matter to the reader if she's reminded of her own garden? This (and the quick description of the "pretty, leafy garden") took me out of the story. It doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the prologue.

Also, the word "had" is a pain sometimes, and often you can do without. It weakens a sentence. Read it without, and see what you think.

*Reading*
Adrenaline was throbbing through her veins and her lungs ached, but she showed no sign of slowing down.

Whenever you find yourself writing the word "was," take a step back. It's a huge red flag for telling and not showing. Try this:

Though adrenaline throbbed through her veins, and her lungs ached, she refused to slow down.

It's more active, more powerful. I took out the "but" because it seemed to take away from the power of her actions despite her body screaming for respite.

*Reading*
Lou realised she didn't know exactly what she had been looking for until she saw the black school gates and felt a swoop of relief.

Again, I think this could be made more powerful. Ask yourself what matters most in this sentence (it could be different from what I think is most important, and that's okay--you know this story better than I do. Perhaps it IS more important *Smile*)

The sight of the black school gates brought a rush/swoop of relief.

Almost simultaneously, she heard the low roar of an engine. She tried not to panic but as she turned her head a long, blue car appeared to her left.

Make your sentences sure. Not "almost simultaneously"--did it happen then or not? :)

Now, I say when you can ditch the adverb, do it. They weaken things more times than not. Now, I know this breaks the "don't use two words when one will do" rule, but, I think "At once" would be better.

Also, using phrases like "she heard" and "she turned her head" sound too much like a screenplay. It's a bit of overstating. Drop them, and your sentences will have a lot more impact.

One more thing, She tried not to panic--what did she do to try to not panic? Write that, and you will be showing your readers instead of telling them (sick of hearing it yet? yeah).

*Reading*
Lou knew in her heart of hearts that the car was his.

Wordiness. It's better to just leave it at "her heart" and to drop the "that" word. It's pesky, and we write it because we talk that way, but it's often just not necessary and adds weight to our sentences.

In fact, The only time in the past three years that she had been allowed to see daylight was from within the realms of that blue car.

If it's a fact, you should be able to just say it *Wink*. I'm going to stop finding the unnecessary "that" word and let you run a "find and replace" on it. Read those sentences without the "that" and see if it still makes sense. Most times it will. Same goes for the word "had" (hint: see the next paragraph). They do horrible things to your sentences.

Lou's worst fear had been realised.

This is a passive voice in what should be an action packed prologue. Now, I don't think it'll work to fix it to make it active, either ("Lou realized her worst fear" doesn't sound right). See what you think of dropping that sentence all together.

*Reading*
She let out a scream of panic, frustration, helplessness.

Try Panic, frustration, and helplessness emanated from her throat as...

If you like it :)

She tried again to run even faster than she ever had before but she could not, and so she fell, landing on the pavement hard.

This sentence reads long.

When and if you decide to rework this, try showing us what happens when she hits the pavement. Is it cold? Warm? You mention in the next sentence that it scrapes her knees. Good, but make it more active (hint: the "to be" verb in any form makes things passive). Does she even realize her knees are scraped?

Try to give your reader as many senses to use as possible here. This is a fabulous opportunity to do so. What smells are around her? Anything she can taste (perhaps in the back of her throat?). Don't overkill, but imagine the scene in your head. What of the five senses are abound here?

*Reading*
The fear made her legs paralysed. She remained on the ground with her eyes closed tightly and awaited her fate.

Try this Fear paralysed her legs

Now, my last gripe has to do with this: she's determined to find those gates, but she's giving up? Does she at least try to crawl toward them? Does he grasp her legs, but she keeps going anyway? I don't get why, out of nowhere, she gives up.

I hope this helps. See what you think of my suggestions and go with it. You know your story better than I do (perhaps the garden IS important).

Good luck with your story. It's a lot of work (I know *sigh*), but it's worth it in the end.
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Review of A Poem of Sorts  Open in new Window.
Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well, I wasn't sure what to expect when I read the title and the description. I always flinch a bit whenever I see that an author has doubts about their own stuff (that doesn't mean I don't sympathize). Maybe you don't, but the title sounds a bit like it.

In the plug page, you mentioned I think this is a valid poem expressing a valid, if rare, feeling. Opinions???

Valid? Are you kidding me? I'm SO glad I read this. You spoke, I daresay, for just about every writer. I've had that same feeling. It makes you want to scream for an exorcism just to get whatever it is that your entire being is aching to say on paper.

Well said. Thank you. It's always nice to understand and be understood. Know that you're understood :)
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Review by chicochica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Ahh, I haven't heard much about this topic yet, which is surprising. I've only read one other article in the local newspaper.

First thing I'd like to suggest is that you double-space between the paragraphs. It makes for a much more enjoyable (and easier) read :)

And, as a serious essay, I'd like to see some documentation (you can put in ML footnotes).

Other than that, I feel compelled to comment on the content of your essay. I'm not going to nit-pick on grammar and whatnot today (though, don't get me wrong, in an essay like this, it is imperative you come across as an authority figure, someone who knows what they're talking about--and grammar is a large part of that).

You have a lot of points in this, and I'd like to see them expanded on. Why would 7-Up care to get involved? Did it do anything? Was it selfish?

Whenever you write an opinionated piece, you need to consider the arguments of the opposition. That way, you can answer their problems before they even get a chance to say you're wrong. It's an essential part of a good debate. If you can beat them to the punch, and do so in a respectable and in a convincing way, then you've won.

*Reading*

Where else, besides Myspace, could you find out that Obama is a Leo, or that Hillary Clinton has a guilty pleasure for chocolate? More importantly, perhaps, is information that can be found there like Ron Paul’s congressional record, or any candidates for that matter.

More important? I'd say this is definitely more important than whether Obama is a Leo or Hillary loves chocolate.

This is the problem.

*Reading*

You end by saying
its not like you have to read the “Washington Post” to get involved.

Uhm, yes, that would be a good start.

So here's my retort. I hope this will help if you decide to work on this a bit more:

Voting in and of itself is a privilege, and moreso a responsibility. Here, it's a right. A lot of people choose to not vote, and you know what? That's okay with me. Here's why:

People who don't care to vote generally don't care to put in the research necessary to figure out what each proposition means, what each candidate stands for, the consequences of each decision. I don't know many 18 year-old kids who are willing to put in the effort, and if that's the case, I'd rather they didn't. Voting according to whatever "sounds" best is a horrifying idea. If you don't want to really understand what you're voting for (and consequently, against), then you should stay home.

This is why I refuse to sign petitions unless I know enough about it beforehand to know what I'm doing. I've made mistakes with this in the past, and I won't do it anymore. The regret stings worse than if I hadn't signed anything at all.

I've heard of people who likewise have voted for something, only to find out later that, had they known better, they would have voted otherwise.

You may advocate the "Vote or Die" slogan, but I'd like that qualified a bit more. Don't just hand out voter registration papers--hand out pamphlets (nonpartisan), educate people, make sure they know what they are doing. Only then will voters feel they have the power to change things. Educated voters are what we need. These campaigns might have been cool, but probably only because of the celebrities involved. It was the same with the Save Tibet back in the mid-90s. How many of those concert goers did you think cared one whit about Tibet--did it make them do anything? Or do you think they were more concerned about seeing the Smashing Pumpkins perform? I don't know for sure, but I can sure guess.

It's good for awareness, but you must take it a step further.

Simply being able to do something means nothing. A sixteen year-old kid might be able to drive, but until he's well-educated on the laws and whatnot, he/she shouldn't drive.

*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon1**Balloon2*
And, by the way, THANK GOODNESS Paris Hilton decided not to vote.
*Balloon1**Balloon2**Balloon1**Balloon2*

*Laugh*

Thanks for the read. I do appreciate it when people care enough about our country and its people to speak out in this matter. It's something that needs to be discussed, especially with all of the stuff going on today. It's scary.

I hope you receive this well. Best of luck to you :)
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