Great opening line. Sucked me straight into the story. (the whole line is repeated in the second paragraph - not clear if this was a pasting error or deliberate? Just thought I would mention.)
I liked the sense of intrigue you built at the start, followed by the sense of urgency as we learn more.
You made good use of the picture prompt, even including the images in the body of the piece, where they added to the narrative, giving a narrator's eye vue at times.
Overall, an enjoyable little story. Nice touches of characterisation and a clear narrative, despite the flashbacks and twists in the structure. Good job.
Suggestions
I didn't spot any errors, other than the possible duplication mentioned before (which may be deliberate any way).
The opening paragraph works really well. It builds intrigue, but also provides some characterisation and a really nice line involving tooth cavities.
The piece has quite a unique tone and (Harlem) style(s) which you maintained well and used to good effect. The narrative is interesting, without going into needless detail. Everything is slightly vague, leaving the reader to fill in the gaps or infer meaning. The piece is peppered with little bits of evocative imagery and other neat touches.
The piece is almost more of a character sketch than a story. Even so, it read well and held the reader's attention with plenty of details and humour arising from the narrator/character's perspective.
Overall, very well written and a good read. Interesting character and style.
Suggestions
'instead of standing outside the liquor store to plasma donor center.' - this line doesn't quite make sense, I wonder if it should read or instead of to before plasma donor center?
'if my sould was already spoken for' - soul, not sould I think.
One suggestion I would make is leaving a line between each new paragraph, makes it easier for the reader to follow and less daunting than an unbroken text.
Hi Ernie. I did intend to get something done for the contest, but in the end I made a start but ran out of time and lost interest in the idea I had.
Great use of description in capturing a scene familiar to the imagination of many. It had a sense of fun, and I felt the story would be enjoyed by any child as well as by adults. This was down to the theme, content and the simple but effective style envoked.
This was a sweet and well thought out tale. I liked the gentle little twist ending. Overall, a very fun read with lots of nice touches to tickle the reader.
Suggestions
'and tread gently toward the chimney' - Possibly should be trod rather than tread? Or this may be British English coming into affect, or I am just plain wrong.
There were many fine lines to highlight in this story, a couple of my favourites were 'there stood the jolly fat man!' and 'he bent and he twisted, he lifted and he listed'
Something quite different from what I normally read. This piece is very open and honest. It is contemplative, maybe offers a little warning, or maybe it doesn't. I expect a similar experience has been shared by many readers.
Overall it was well written, an intriguing and enjoyable read. Good stuff.
Suggestions
I'm not too sure about this line, I think there might be too much going on in it, definitely lose the first comma though: "I knew I was in love with the girl, in the blue skirt and matching blouse, trimmed in white, the moment I saw her."
First thing that strikes me about your story: it seems to be named after a truely terrible song.
'the bored bartender.' - I liked this line in the opening paragraph. Nice little bit of alliteration, but it also did a lot of work with just a couple of words - setting the scene and provinding a quick bit of characterisation.
The dialogue in the piece also fizzed along. It helped the story unfold quickly and seemed believable.
A dark piece. Good job within the word limit. A fun little read for anyone with a few minutes to spare.
Suggestions
'Tom appraised the man closer.' - think I would prefer more closely to closer here, but may just be personal preference.
Some amusing dialogue starts the piece off, introducing a couple of likeable characters in an every day scene as they move into their new house.
Some more amusing dialogue introduces some less likeable characters as the story moves along.
An enjoyable read over all. The dialogue kept things moving quickly and in an entertaining fashion. The characters were well defined and I'm sure the situation is one many can relate to.
Great opening section, good use of description to set the scene and establish the character. I really liked the line 'sustained their singsong cadence.'
This really is quite a disturbing read. The workings of Lester's mind are described in detail, along with past horrors, this builds tension in the story and draws the reader in. 'His tamed gag reflex' - a chilling little detail there.
There was a severly dark vein of humour in the scene where Charlotte saw his trophys, at least I thought so. It may be too dark for some, though.
Enjoyed is probably not the right word for this, but it was a gripping read. It was dark, some may say nasty, but I liked it. I think there was enough redemption to justify the piece as a whole. Great stuff. Not for the faint hearted.
Suggestions
'the dirty, spider-webbed-cracked glass' - I think spider-web-cracked glass may sound a little better here. Or something like 'the dirty spiderweb of cracked glass that was his windshield'.
I don't think you strayed from the prompt at all, and anyway, anywhere Lester goes probably imediately classes as a creepy place.
Thought I'd pop in to your port, E E Coder. I liked the sound of the prompt that inspired this one, so chose this story. I was looking for new pieces, but didn't look too hard I have to admit before being side tracked by this vintage piece from 2006.
Anyway, on to the review...
Strong opening. Draws the reader straight into the story. I think you did a good job conjuring the sense of panic in the narrator as she is confronted by the smell.
Nice touches of humour and characterisation in the scenes describing Bandit's bath. I liked how you gave enough detail to tantalise the reader, but left the rest to their imagination.
I liked the building tension in the piece. The sense that something terrible is about to happen.
Overall, very entertaining and fun read.
Suggestions
'a combination of rotten meat and excited skunk' - great description here.
"...the cramped chamber that had become his asylum only hours ago." - I liked this line, it captured the madness of the situation nicely.
The flashback scene worked well juxtaposing a remembered Christmas long ago with the recent horrific events.
"She widened the vista plane." Lines like this helped set the scene as somewhere out of the ordinary.
Good use of structure in the piece. It set things up nicely before the main body of the story filled in just enough of the blanks to leave us with that ominous ending.
Great job, a fun read and interesting use of the prompt.
Suggestions
I didn't spot any corrections. Possibly there was one sentance in the opening of the section headed 'Day 2...' that was a little on the long side and could use fragmenting, nothing else.
Your title grabbed me immediately. Sounds like a slice of Halloween fun right off.
Story fit the bill of the title, I'd say. A fun little read. Good work.
Suggestions
his friend Matty[,] as they headed out - I'd pop a comma in there.
The dialogue seemed a little stilted. Matty's name was repeated in it, as if there could be any doubt who Alex is talking to. I felt this dampened the sense of urgency a little in his hour of peril.
A very evocative opening scene, it established the setting well and introduced the characters effectively.
Your dialogue flows nicely too. It is carrying the story as there is not much actually going on outside of this discussion. It kept things entertaining and interesting.
' It had watched, unmoving, as the world around it changed, from wood to steel, from fish to oil.' - I liked this section. nice turn of phrase and fits well with the descriptive writing around it.
Is this piece set in Aberdeen? The granite, the accents and the harbour fit.
Overall, a great read with a well executed message.
Suggestions
You've used a mixture of American (recognizes, traveled) and British (harbour) spellings. You should probably stick to one or the other.
'Alex took his friends shoulder.' - Should be friend's.
This was an interesting piece to read, inspired as it is by real life events. You also did a good job with the construction of the story, flicking from the present situation to the events leading to it.
The characterisation was good, but I felt the story really depended on the characterisation, and this could have been even stronger.
Some of the moral issues touched on are very interesting here. It's interesting to see a piece with white people as an oppresed group. It is also interesting to consider the taking of the farms without working for it - one has to wonder how the whites originally acquired so much land in Zimbabwe. Then we see a glimpse of the new regime, and witness how the poor people will continue to be oppressed, whether the land is held by blacks or whites. The story didn't really attempt to answer these moral questions, and I don't think it could, instead focussing on the theme of family. This is the reason I thought characterisation was very important - the reader needs to genuinely feel for these people, not just for their situation.
Overall, a very interesting read. Good stuff.
Suggestions
'at [a] small camping table' - missed a word there.
Appart from that, I did not see any other technical errors.
Great job with the tone in this one. The narrator's voice is strong, adding to the story.
A decent sense of mystery builds in the piece. The Jack 'O Tens certainly is a weird place. Incidently, are you sure that apostraphe is on the correct side of the O?
This was another cleverly costructed piece. An original use of the playing card theme.
Good job.
Suggestions
'Jack Daniels whiskey' - that should be Jack Daniel's.
'First[,] let me warn you' - think you shold pop a comma in there.
This is a delightfully surreal tale. It's setting in a realistic world only higlights the oddness.
The word choice in the piece was excellent, good demonstration of vocabulary and interesting use.
The story seemed almost a satire of the traditional love story - love found, the protagonists kept agonisingly apart, and then rejoined at the end, but it was such a bittersweet tale that there is no malice in the satire.
I liked your use of, what I assume to be genuine, aboriginal tradition and culture in this piece. It was interesting to read about.
You captured the tension and sense of panic at the end of the piece. There was a bit of a character shift, as the narrator suddenly became a great deal braver than earlier in the story, but this could just be accelerated development, due to the limitations of the length of the story.
Overall, I enjoyed the read. I'd give it 3.5 stars, if I was allowed to give a rating.
Suggestions
The opening section used a good idea - the narrator's confusion at the apparent scene of danger and chaos in front of her/him, but I thought you could have done more to convey this sense of panic to the reader. The reader was let in on the truth almost imediately, where you could have built more tension before revealing the secret. This could be achieved by simply concealing the presence of the child's mother for a while longer.
I also found it a little odd that the narrator was so childish (the fear and lack of comprehension at the beginning), yet used terms like 'brimming with anticipation' to describe how he/she feels.
'Were the fighting the spirit beast?' - think you meant 'Were they...'
'and now I my mind was screaming' - wee typo in there, don't need the I.
'facing towards me' - you don't need towards here, the extra word takes away a little of the flow of the lines.
'"Well," he begun' - I think this should be began.
Great first sentence, naming all those places and things unfamiliar to most readers really helped to creat an exotic mood.
The first section of the story is interesting, but it reads a little like a very detailed tourist guide - going into depth about the various sights, sounds and even smells of the area.
You used the prompt well. The theme of the story is quite a common one - that of people returning to a place key in their formative years to find it delapidated - but you captured enough realism and created believable characters to make it work.
I enjoyed the read.
Suggestions
'the tea shop that stood about 8-10 meters away from the edge of the platform.' - I am not sure we need actual measurements here, simply saying near the edge of the platform would have done.
'buffaloes were wallowing alongside some local women who were washing and beating clothes' - do people really wash their clothes in the water where buffalo are wallowing? This seems unlikely to clean the clothes effectively.
'he faced a police enquiry' - This should be inquiry, I think.
An interesting piece of historical dialogue writing.
To begin with, the piece read like a list of ancient place names and people. However, the verbal conflict had enough tension in it to keep things interesting.
Some readers may have prefered a blood-drenched description of the battle itself, but that would be an obvious choice. This piece offered something different. It deals with some interesting themes around leadership and sacrifice, courage and cowardice.
Good use of imagination in this piece. It was easy to picture the scenes of battle.
You also demonstrate a good grasp of vocablulary.
I would say the tone of the piece is a little dry in places, particularly the closing paragraph. At times it seems more of a list of events than a story. The final paragraph also seems a little rushed in its tying up of loose ends.
Still, it was a good read.
Suggestions
'at the age of 19, he applied for, and was selected, as a sepoy' - there's something not quite right in this section. If you take out the extra information (and was selected) you are left with 'at the age of 19, he applied for as a sepoy' Taking out for might be enough to sort this out.
The opening scene unfolds very naturally, the narrator describing the details noticed as they approach an old house. It sets the scene well and forms a little mystery as we wonder why the narrator is going there and what has happened to leave the clearly once grand house in this condition.
The mystery continues with Moses's odd behaviour. There is an unsettling air about the story, conveyed from the house it describes - effectively done.
I enjoyed the read.
Suggestions
'We shook hands in the traditional Zimbabwean way' - I was quite intriguied to know how this differs from how other people might shake hands.
The descriptions, scene setting and tone work well. It was easy to picture and fun to read.
The story and the style are gentle.
The characterisation was also pretty good - the Great Grandmother ever fond of sayings, the child absorbing some of these for later.
Good job.
Suggestions
'the generations of walking a mile up the hill in the snow-both ways- to get to school' - I'm not sure if this is a joke, but, if not, how could it be uphill both ways?
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 8:26am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
great line there, and great change up in the tone of the piece.
