This is a short piece and it is an interesting scene. However, as a challenge, I think it could be even shorter. What you've written is well, but it's not a full story. It's just a scene. So, as a true scene, cut out anything superflous or unneccesary. I do think you've got talent, I can't write a scene to save my life.So keep up the good work and keep writing.
Lot of build up here, nice narrative, and the only problems I found can easily be spotted by a beta reader or a very mean, heartless second draft from yourself lol. (I have a problem with redrafting my own stuff, because I know how it's supposed to sound in my head, so I just gloss over my errors.)
Firstly, there are several things that come to attention but these are nit-picking things, and please don't take them personal if my suggestions offend your style; this is just how I see thing.
'And they would be back on solid ground in less than three days anyway.' "And" doesn't start this sentence well. By old grammatical standards, it's improper, and while I often ignore these rules, the "And" just doesn't work here.
'And Arreton lake.' The "And" works here, but the lake should be capitalized: Arreton Lake
'The small area had withstood time and despite the fact that it was quiet and almost deserted at the best of times, it was one of the few places she could keep to herself.' This sentence is a bit confusing. '..despite the face it was...almost deserted, it was one of the few places she could keep to herself.' It's easier to keep to yourself when no one's around. I'd rethink the contrast/comparison here.
'... push Rhodes’ words of chiding out of my head.' Should have said HER head.
Like I said, a revision of this with a fresh set of eyes (hopefully still in their owners head) would catch these kinds of things. I think it is a good start, but the place where you left off (her going into the gym to run laps) didn't leave me with a sense of conflict to make me want to delve into the next chapter. The engineer in the kitchen and the mention of his odd humming and talking to the engine, now that was cool. Best of luck on this, I hope my review was helpful in some way. Take it easy.
What an awesome scenario! I love the "zombie origins" scenario. Also, Jackson's personality really, really shines through. Very good body language and facial expressions with him. Kail, in my opinion, could actually be the narrator and tell the tale herself, but that's just my opinion, nothing I'd actually say needed to really change.
One word choice I'd recommend you look at is "effected." I actually looked it up, because if just seemed off, and here's what I found:
"Effected means executed, produced, or brought about. For example, The dictatorial regime quickly effected changes to the constitution that restricted the freedom of the people. On the other hand, affected means impacted. It is the past tense of the verb form of affect means to impact. For example, Carbon dioxide emissions affected the environment. "
I can send you the link if you like.
Otherwise, this was an incredible story and I'd like to see it keep progressing. Good luck.
I'm not really a fan of rape stories, so I'll just stick to grammatical items.
"If you make.....I'll slice your throat1"....should be a "!" instead of a "1".
When she thinks to herself that her attackers name is Jason, you may want to italicize that instead of putting it in quotes. Just a style thing I think, but worth considering.
When Jason talks to her about using his toy on her, you misspelled "raped" as "rapped".
That's all I got. Good luck.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheshiretinman
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:17am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
