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1
1
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,
This was a great story, I can't wait to find out how it ends.

Title:
"The Eyebright's Dimension" is an intriguing title, it doesn't give anything away from the story but it catches the readers eyes. Each chapter title briefly gives a hint with what each chapter will be about but also creates interest, making the reader want to find out what's going to happen.

5/5

Beginning/End:
I liked the prologue. It started with great action and drew the reader in from the first sentence, and held the attention making them want to continue reading.

The only thing about the ending that I disliked was that it left me wanting more. Great work, every chapter was complete and introduced something to want the reader to find out more.

10/10

Character:
I loved the characters that you created, they were full and each had an individual personality. All of them were wonderfully described, allowing me to visualise what they looked like. My favourite character would have to be Eunae, she has such a developed personality and it is interesting the way she thinks and acts.

One thing I can comment on is that at parts it is hard to get the ages of the younger characters. Some of the things they do sounds young but they sound just like the others. Such characters such as Kasity, I really didn't get an age from her, and it was only from such occurences such as her wanting to play in the leaves, signified that she was even younger than Eunae. But this is does not take away from the interest of the story, this is just my personal opinion.

10/10

Plot:
The plot was easy to read and follow. Each chapter has an action that creates interest and makes the reader wants to continue. At some times it's hard to identify whether it is following a linear timeline or if it's jumping to the past, this is only to do with the Valoren and Vivele storyline. This does not take anything away from the story and it is still easy to follow.

5/5

Setting:
I loved the setting. You were able to describe everything about this academy with details allowing me to get a vivid picture of everything that was happening.

10/10

Grammar/Spelling:
Here are a couple of mistakes that I found:

Chapter 1
To take her mind off of the unsettling feelings that were settling somewhere inside her throat - here you have a sentence where you use bother "unsettling" and "settling", perhaps it would be better if you replace "settling" with another word such as "welling up" to try not to sound repetitious.

Chapter 9

"Lander started a little at that, and Calixte smiled a little." - This sentence doesn't make sense, did you mean "startled" instead of "started"

"Synn, you Unit should already know all that stuff" - "you" should be "your"

"Darin’s opted to take Weather instead of Sensory already, and he’s only a second step.Okay," - there should be a space after the period

Chapter 11
“Oh, that’s explains it,” Sariel replied, her dark eyes flashing in the light. - "that's" should be "that"

Chapter 12
"Aidan do so, still smirking." - "do" should be "did"

Chapter 15
“Your eyes have gotten darker,” muttered Calixte, averting her own eyes Valorén’s gaze. - I think you're missing some words here because this sentence doesn't make sense.

Chapter 16
"Where they talking about Calixte’s late appearance? " - "Where" should be "were"

9/10

Total: 49/50

This was a great read, Once started I didn't really want to put it down. I hope you continue with this because I can't wait to find out what happens next. Thanks for sharing. Write On!

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2
2
Review of Mystery  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,


Title:
"Golden Lady" is a catchy title, and it creates mystery to the reader and makes them want to read it. The chapter title "Mystery" is intriguing and interesting.

5/5

Beginning/End:
The beginning sentence is captivating, but at the moment it is not obvious why it is there, I suppose when there are more chapters then it will make more sense.

The ending was good, it finished the chapter while keeping some interest going to entice the reader to continue.

10/10

Character:
I liked the characters that you created. They were well described and it seems they have individual personalities, making them interesting to read about.

Plot:
The plot is easy to read and follow. One suggestion that I have is that there is not much action happening. For a first chapter in a young adult novel it needs to have some action happen to captivate their interest and make them want to continue.

3/5

Setting:
The setting was great, I loved your descriptions of everything, it made it so much easier to visualise what was happening.

10/10

Grammar/Spelling:

"Their eyes seem to peer out of every window and every overlook, eyes and eyes and eyes, endlessly." - "seem" should be "seemed" because you are talking in past tense.

9/10

Total: 47/50

Overall this was a good start to a story. With a little extra work it will be a fantastic read. Write On!

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3
3
Review of Sad Spectator  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Rhyme/Flow:
The flow was good and easy to read.

Imagery
I liked the imagery of the poem, it created a great and emotional story that was easy to visualise.

What I Liked
I liked the repetition that you use within the stanzas, it helps drive the emotion of the whole poem, getting the reader to think about the issues that it is talking about.

What I Disliked
The first stanza feels out of place. The rhythm does not flow with the rest of the poem.

Suggestions
The only thing that I didn't like was the first stanza, apart from that there are no other suggestions that I could make to improve such an emotional piece.

Thanks for sharing. Write On!

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4
4
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

First let me say welcome to the site, this story was a good little read and it seemed something that was personal.

Beginning/End:
I liked the beginning, with this man trying to put on a tie and then relating it back to when his father used to tie it, it was a great way to introduce the characters, it helped to allow the reader to get closer to the characters.

The ending finished the story but still showed it was continuing with having the funeral tomorrow. The ending really showed a lot of emotion that you were building up through the rest of the story.

Character:
The character was realistic and believable and very emotional, sometimes he sounded younger than he was since I think the character's supposed to be 23 years old but sometimes he sounded like he should be about 16 or so, this could have been because of the emotion and the remembering of the past so it didn't really affect how I read the story.

Plot:
The plot was easy to read and follow. It was a man remembering his past as he comes home for the funeral of his grandmother, it was a very emotional story.

Description:
Sometimes it felt as though your descriptions were lacking. When he sees the photographs you just say who's in them when you really should have described the characters in them as well as what they're doing. But also the characters, you could have gone into more description with how they looked, this would help the reader get to know the characters better and be more interested if they can get a better visual image of what's happening.

For example:

Finally it came into view, the old house, the house where the majority of my memories lie. As we pass the memories and ghosts shine and burst through the windows and cracks like a bright light. Some memories flash through my mind like photographs. Waking up early on Christmas day, and seeing in the dark my first bike I ever owned. Barbecues in the backyard. The time that Chris and I had a pillow fight with Michelle’s two feather pillows, and covering the room in little white feathers. And making snowmen in the front yard, Chris’s snowman being about a foot tall made of dirty black snow. I smile a bit at the thought of Chris’s pitiful snowman, then the tree out front catches my eye. It looks a little thinner than my memory displayed it, but it is the same tree.

Could be something like:

Finally it came into view. The old house, the house where the majority of my memories lie. The white brick with green shutters over the windows, the tall tree out the front with the old rope tyre swing still hanging. As we pass the memories and ghosts shine and burst through the windows and cracks like a bright light. Some memories flash through my mind like photographs. Waking up early on Christmas day, and seeing in the dark the first bike I ever owned, metallic blue with the orange reflectors on the tyres. Barbecues in the backyard. The time that Chris and I had a pillow fight with Michelle’s two feather pillows, and covering the room in little white feathers. And making snowmen in the front yard, Chris’s snowman being about a foot tall made of dirty black snow. I smile a bit at the thought of Chris’s pitiful snowman, then the tree out front catches my eye. It looks a little thinner than my memory displayed it, but it is the same tree.

What I Liked
I liked the character, he was very emotional and believable. It made me feel very sorry for the character and his loss. I also liked the casual writing, it sounded like he was just reminiscing to an audience and it allowed me to become more engrossed in the story.

What I Disliked
Just that there could have been more descriptions in the story, just describe the characters and the setting and this will allow the reader to be more entertained.

Suggestions

"I’ve been meaning to return to the old neighborhood, return the city" - I think it should be "return to the city" instead of "return the city"

“Ok.”She said - there should be a space before "She"

“I think she’s waiting for me to get there.”She said. - there should be a space before "She"

“It’s about time to go, so if your ready?” - "your" should be "you're"

“They’re in the center console.” my brother says as he starts the car. - there should be a comma after "console"

“Thanks.” I reply. - there should be a comma after "thanks"

"Sometimes that cushion deteriorates, and your left with your ass painfully seated on the metal of the seat." - "your" should be "you're"

"I cant help but be glued to the window" - "cant" should be "can't"

"We start moving again my mother and I" - there should be a comma after "again"

"I feel alone, but I know I’m not alone." - you don't need the "alone" after "not", this is just repeating yourself.

Overall this was a good story, very emotional. Welcome to the site again and Write On!

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5
5
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Beginning/End:
The beginning was a good way to draw the reader into the story and create the scene.

The ending was good at summing up the story and bringing it to a close, but I think it had been rushed a bit, with everything being summed up in one paragraph.

Character:
The characters that you created were a good start, I liked the descriptions at the beginning, you really painted the pictures of them. I think that the main character could have had more emotion and personal thoughts during this to help draw the reader deeper into the story.

Plot:
This was an interesting story, at some places it seemed a bit jumbled. During the part where Franz is telling the story it can get a bit confusing because the story jumps around and it's hard to follow what Franz is saying.

Description:
I liked the descriptions of the characters, they created a great picture. You could have probably used more descriptions for the setting to help create the image better.

What I Liked
I liked the characters, the way you created them and described them were really good.

What I Disliked
Some parts of the story that Franz told were rather hard to follow, try putting the story in a more linear fashion or not jump around so much between all of the characters.

Suggestions
Apart from fixing the story the only other suggestion would be when Franz starts the story there's a lot of "he said" on each dialogue, perhaps removing them will help create more interest in the story, or add action instead of using said or asked. This will help improve the pace of the story.

Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.

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6
6
Review of The day I died  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
Starting the story with the first line of the title is a good way to draw the reader into the story.

The ending brought a good close to the story.

Character:
The character is a good start. You could add to him by using some more personal thoughts of the character, perhaps the sentence "I was rich, ruthless and of course... always right" sounds a bit harsh, the character would not think this of himself at the beginning of the story, so it could possibly be stated a bit differently.

Plot:
This is an interesting story and easy to follow.

Description:
This story lacked a lot of descriptions, you could possibly add some descriptions for the accident, the cars on the road, not just mention what cars they are but actually describing them.

What I Liked
I liked the ending of the story, it was a good ending with a good moral.

What I Disliked
I felt there weren't enough descriptions to paint the picture of what was going on in the setting.

Suggestions
Only that you should expand the story by adding some descriptions and personal thoughts from the character to make him a bit more realistic.

Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.

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7
7
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
Starting with the dialogue was a good way to get the reader drawn ino the story and create interest.

The ending brought a good conclusion to a sweet story, it was good.

Character:
The characters that you created were realistic and believable.

Plot:
The story was simple and sweet, it was a good small story and was easy to follow.

Description:
The descriptions were good at painting the scene, which is a good thing since it is a really short story.

What I Liked
I liked the characters that you created here, they were easy to understand and identify with.

What I Disliked
This was probably too short a story, it works but it probably could help to expand on some of the actions to help create more emotion in the story.

Suggestions
Apart from expanding some of the story, there isn't anything else I could suggest to improve this story.

Thanks for entering the contest and good luck.

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8
8
Review of The End Of Brucie  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
I love the beginning, it creates a great scene and draws the reader in by announcing the death of the chihuahua.

The ending is great, it brings a conclusion to a great story.

Character:
The character you have created here is very realistic and believable and easily to identify with. This character is interesting and humorous.

Plot:
This was an interesting and unique little story, it had a great plot and was easily to read.

Description:
I love the descriptions, it creates the scene and paints a great image of what is happening.

What I Liked
I liked the way you wrote this story in 1st person, it is humorous and interesting, and it reads like someone is actually retelling this humorous little incident.

What I Disliked
There was nothing I disliked about this story.

Suggestions
I don't think I could offer any suggestions to improve such a great story.

Overall this was a great little story. Thanks for entering and good luck with the contest.

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9
9
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
Your introduction shows promise, the sentence "I do not know what I am doing" draws the reader into the story, but all the rest seems like just a list of actions with no real emotion in them.

I liked the ending with the loading of the gun, although you could have expanded upon.

Character:
The character you have here is a good beginning and could become really interesting if you add some of the characters emotions in it.

Plot:
This is an interesting plot, but at the moment it just sounds like a list of actions that the character is doing, add some descriptions to it.

Description:
I thought that this story lacked descriptions, it could be a really interesting story that really draws the reader in.

What I Liked
I liked the plot, it is good and solid, and with a bit more work it could be really interesting.

What I Disliked
That this story read like a series of actions with no real emotional impact or descriptions to draw the reader into the story.

Suggestions
To make this story more engaging I suggest that you take some time to expand the story and add descriptions as well as character thoughts, this will help draw the reader into the story. For example:

I do not know what I am doing. I am in a car and driving. I do not know how I know this, yet I do. My name is Wayne. I have a feeling that the car is not normal. I realize that most cars have more than just a steering wheel and gas pedal like this one has. It makes no noise, and all that I hear is complete and utter silence. I am going extremely fast, but it does not matter because there are no other cars; the road is perfectly straight. The green overhead signs are all blank.

Could become:

I do not know what I am doing. I find myself in a car, driving. Do not ask me where I am going, or how I even got here. My name is Wayne. Pressing my foot firmly to the floor I have a feeling that this is no ordinary car. I realize that most cars have more than just a steering wheel and gas pedal like this one has. I listen for the hum of the engine, but nothing. It is not what I hear that makes my skin crawl but what I cannot hear. Everything is silent. The city streets pass in a blur as the car speeds along the road. This would usually scare me , but it does not matter because there are no other cars; the road is perfectly straight. The green overhead signs are all blank.

Just adding a bit more could add interest to the story.

Overall this is a good beginning to a story that could be really interesting, thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.

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10
10
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Rhyme/Flow:
This was an interesting way to set out a poem, not the usual, but there was still a nice rhythm going.

Imagery
The imagery was good, it created a nice feel to the poem.

What I Liked
I liked the different verse structure that you have here it created an interesting flow.

What I Disliked
The parts in the in the brackets were a bit hard to follow, and they threw the rhythm off. Apart from that the poem was great.

Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck.

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11
11
Review of Fireside Story  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
The beginning was a nice way to catch my attention and want me to keep reading.

The ending finished on a nice note, it concluded the story well.

Character:
The character that you created was really good. He was portrayed realistically.

Plot:
This story was interesting and was easy to read, it flowed well.

Description:
I think some of the descriptions needed to be expanded on, like the description of the old house or what the ghost looked like. This will just add some more interest to your story.

What I Liked
I liked the characters that you created, they were interesting and made the story good to read.

What I Disliked
I would have liked more description so I could picture the surroundings, but it was a good read as it was.

Suggestions
I don't think I have any other suggestions to offer this story. It was a good read.

Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck.

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12
12
Review of The Library  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
The beginning is a good way to introduce the story, by introducing the main characters.

The ending closes the story but also leaves it open, this is a good ending.

Character:
The characters that you have created are good for beginning characters, they could use more descriptions to describe the characters.

Plot:
The story has an original story, it could use descriptiions and shorter sentences to create some interest in the story.

Description:
I felt this story lacked descriptions, if you were to use some descriptions on the characters and setting then it would help create a better image for the reader.

For example
Me and Holly walked up the steps to the library I was on my mobile phone as per usual and Holly was walking beside me holding my hand just looking up at me as if she could understand every word I was saying even though I was talking about work which would actually be impossible for a 6 year old to understand I didn't even understand it until I graduated from college. I had been promeseing to take Holly to the library now for weeks as the doctor said to nurture her gift with books I didn't have the time I haven't got the time I looked down to see Holly looking at me with her big blue eyes I had to put my phone down otherwise I would have turned round and gone straight to work

Could be:

Holly and I walked up the steps to the library, the big iron doors opening up like a mouth waiting for the prey to enter. I was on my mobile phone, talking about work. Holly had a firm grasp of my hand as she looked up, her blue eyes staring up at me as she nodded the head of golden curls, pretending that she understood every word that I was saying. This would have been impossible for a 6 year old to understand, I didn't even understand it until I graduated from college.

I had been promising to take Holly to the library now for weeks. I was advised to because of her gift. The doctors recommended me to nuture it with books. I didn't have the time. Slowly I brought my eyes to look down to see Holly staring up at me with admiration. I forced myself to put my phone away, otherwise I would have turned round and gone straight to work. Smiling at Holly we continued toward the library.

This will just help create more interest in what is being said.

What I Liked
The characters that you created are a good starting point, and with just a bit of editing they will be really interesting.

What I Disliked
I thought this story lacked descriptions, this hleps the reader to create a picture of the scene that the story creates.

I also felt you were trying to say a lot in long sentences and paragraphs, try to break these sentences into smaller ones, this will help create suspense.

Suggestions
I suggest that you leave a blank line after each paragraph, this will just make the story easier for the reader to follow.

Here's some mistakes that I found:
"We never knew Holly had a gift we knew she was different" - this should be 2 sentences, after "gift" there should be a period.

"she had always had these dreams nightmares we dismissed" - there should be a comma after "dreams" and a period after "nightmares", this will make the story flow better.

"I had been promeseing to take Holly to the library now for weeks" - "promeseing" should be "promising"

"Holly just looked at me and run into the library" - "run" should be "ran" and there should be a period after "library"

"merely dismissed it as the cold as the doors was open why why didn't I listen" - there should be a period after "open" and one of the "why"'s should be taken out.

"I looked ahead of me but Holly was nowhere in sight " - there should be a period after "sight"

"I panicked she never used to run off" - there should be a period after "off"

"I was in distress where was everybody I looked to my left and seen an old women " - there should be a comma after "distress" and a question mark after "everybody"

"I took a step back how on earth did this women know my daughters name we hadn't met her before, the old women continued" - there should be a comma after "back" and a question mark after "name"

"the women merely looked at me then shimmered away " - "the" should have a capital "T" and there should be a period after "away"

"I run and run and finally got to the children's books but no Holly" - there should be a period after "Holly"

"Then a scream" - there should be a period after "scream"

"and holly is around here somewhere children you know they wonder off right?" - there should be a period after "somewhere" and a comma after "know"

"I nodded I knew that she was right I had to find her I had no time to question " - there should be a period after "nodded" and a comma after after "right" and after "her"

"Then another scream it was Holly I run and at this persist moment I seen the most horrific terrifying thing that could only exist in someone's nightmares" - there should be a period after "scream", a comma after "Holly", "run" should be "ran" and "seen" should be "saw"

"what theold women had said " - "theold" should be "the old"

"it laughed then I said again this time louder and more powerful all I could think of was Holly" - there should be a period after "powerful"

"and she ran to me we held eachother" - "eachother" should be "each other"

Overall this is a good start to a story that could be really intersting and suspenseful with a little bit of editing, thanks for entering and good luck with the contest.

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13
13
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
I liked the beginning, it set the scene and introduced the character.

The ending was great. It brought the story to a conclusion and you left on a high note of suspense.

Character:
I loved the characters that you created, especially Carolina, they were well described and drew me into the story of this girl's life.

Plot:
The plot was interesting, I liked how you showed Carolina's story through the writings of the other character.

Description:
Your descriptions were great, they kept me entertained and painted a clear image of what was happening on the scene.

What I Liked
I liked the characters, they are what brought the story alive for me, the way they were described and the actions of each made this an interesting story.

What I Disliked
There wasn't anything that I disliked.

Suggestions
I don't think I can offer any suggestions how to make this story better.

Overall this was a great story, thanks for the entery and good luck in the contest.

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14
14
Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
The beginning was good, it was more of someone telling his personal journey and his regrets, making it personal for the reader.

The ending kept so well with the main character, even though he knows he'll die he still loves the hunt (even though he's not doing the hunting).

Character:
The character that you created was realistic and easy to see his emotions because it was written in first person.

Plot:
The plot was easy to read and there was no apparent plot holes, everything flowed well.

Description:
I think this story could have used a bit more description, sometimes it was hard to visualise the scene because you used vague descriptions about the forest and the stag attack.

What I Liked
I liked the personal aspect of this story, the way it was written in first person.

What I Disliked
I think if you added a bit more descriptions it could really add more interest to the story, describe what the settings looks like, what the final attack looks like. Slow it down a bit and this will allow the reader to get drawn more into the story.

Overall this was a good story, thanks for entering and good luck with the contest.

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15
15
Review of Possession  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Beginning/End:
This is a good way to start a story, it really grabbed my attention from the start. The descriptions you have used really paint the vivid (and graphic) scene of the girl.

The ending left me with a feeling of suspense, this was a good thing. It was good how you concluded the story with a feeling that something dangerous was about to happen.

Character:
I liked the characters that you created, they were all unique and interesting.

Plot:
This was a good plot, something that kept me reading, wanting to find out what was going to happen next.

Description:
Your descriptions were great, and at times really graphic. They helped me visualise the scene and helped me follow the story really well.

What I Liked
I liked the descriptions that you used. They helped create the scene of the story. I liked how you describe the action, really making me squirm with some of the words you use (and this is a good thing for this kind of story).

What I Disliked
I thought that this story took a while to get into the main action. This could be because of all of the characters that you have created. The characters are good and well written, but perhaps to keep the interest and make the story's pace faster it would be better to shorten some of the character introductions, get Tony to Jack Stone sooner, this will help to keep the interest of the story since it is a reasonably long short story.

Suggestions
My suggestions would to be just to cut or change some of the character introductions, it's good to keep the characters quirks but perhaps you could use less words to describe them. Everything else is fine, I liked your characters and descriptions and once the action starts it is hard to stop reading.

Thanks again for entering and good luck with the competition.

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16
16
Review of Blackberry Jam  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thanks for your entry into "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Rhyme/Flow:
This poem had a good flow. The rhyme scheme made the poem race along, and the short, punchy lines that you use are very good to create a faster, even heart racing, atmosphere.

Imagery
I really liked your imagery. The comparison of blackberry jam to a pool of blood was really well done. All this imagery did a good job at letting me imagine what was happening in the words.

What I Liked
I liked the imagery and the scene that you have created. It helped me visualise what was happening, even squirming at the thought of the blood (well done with that).

What I Disliked
This was really well done up to the last verse. The last verse seemed to break away from the rhythm that the rest of the poem has, and this really snapped me out of the emotion that the rest of the poem had created.

Suggestions
I suggest to just alter the last verse so that it keeps the pace of the rest of the poem. Also there is a lack of punctuation at the end of the lines, this would really help to emphasize where pauses should be and help improve the pace of the poem

Overall this was a good little poem. Thanks once again for entering and good luck in the contest.

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Review of Caboose Run  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, this was a good little story.

What I liked
I liked your use of description, you really did a good job at describing the setting. I was able to get a clear image of what was happening.

What I disliked
I don’t think you needed to use the capitilization of the dialogue. Most of the time you mentioned that they were screaming or angry, this just took away from the story since it made those stand out more, and they weren’t the main focus of the story.

Beginning & End
I liked how you started the story by setting the scene and introducing the main character, it really draws the reader in.

The ending is sweet and I was so glad that the children finally got what they wanted. It wraps up the story nicely.

Plot
This is a story about 2 children running away from their foster parents to find their real mother. It is a sweet little story that is easy to read and flows well.

Character
I liked the characters that you created. They were realistic and you created the emotions of the children really well.

Descriptions
I liked your use of descriptions, especially of the setting. I could picture the snow covered train, and everything else that was happening. I like it when a story allows me to see what is happening.

Format
The paragraphs were clearly spaced making it easy to read. I only spotted a couple of errors:

He refuses,but she insists that he come. – there needs to be a space after the comma

“Margaret Ballard.” she replies enthusiastically. – there should be a comma after “Ballard”


Once again this was a good little story. Thanks for sharing. Write On!

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Review of Russian Roulette  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I liked this story. It was an interesting way to tell it, through the two characters eyes in alternating stories.

What I liked
I liked the two stories you have going here and how you keep going back and forth between the two guys. I especially liked how you tied the two guys in together at the end, it was a good way to wrap up the story.

What I disliked
I think this story is great but could have been expanded on with more descriptions. I would have liked to see some descriptions of the setting and even more descriptions of the characters.

Beginning & End
You started with a steady pace, which quickly drew me into the story. I wanted to find out what Mark was doing, and then you changed to Shane’s story, which was an interesting change. This was a good beginning.

I liked your ending, it tied the two stories together well. I liked it how the one who took the biggest risk is unharmed while the other one is really sorry for his choice. It was cleverly done.

Plot
This is a story about choices. Two guys choose to risk everything, 1 to stray and the other to gamble. It was easy to read and flowed well. I didn’t see any plot holes in it.

Character
I liked the characters you created, they seemed realistic and I could see them thinking about the consequences as they made these choices. I would have liked to have seen some descriptions of the main characters so that I could picture them, apart from that they were great.

Descriptions
You had some descriptions but I felt that you needed to expand these descriptions, like what does the poker room look like? What does Jessica’s place look like? And with characters, you needed to expand, explain what it looks like when Jessica is undressing, the main characters, what do they look like? This will help to draw the readers in more.

Format
The paragraphs were spaced, making it easy to read. I only spotted 1 mistake:

"Hey, come on in. “Its ok, “said Jessica in a husky voice. – there needs to be a space before said, and no space after the comma.

Once again you have a great story here. I hope to see more of your work around here. Write On!

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Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, this was a good start to an interesting story. Here’s what I thought about it:

What I liked
I liked the story, it was an interesting read. Everything was clear and it had a good twist at the end.

What I disliked
I felt you only had minimal description. I would have liked to have seen some more descriptions, something to get the reader more drawn in. It is a good story but without the description it is hard to picture the scene in my mind. Also this story is written entirely from the narrator’s perspective, I would have loved to see some personal thoughts of the character, something to make this character realistic and question what is happening.

Beginning & End
It is a good beginning, it just needs to get a clearer image of the scene to make it a more interesting story.

The ending, leaving the reader questioning, is a good way to wrap the story up. It brings the story to a closure but also leaves the reader thinking.

Plot
The plot flowed well and I did not see any plot holes.

Character
The characters that you created are good for starting, but now you have to flesh out the characters a bit more. Give them descriptions, have some personal thoughts about what’s happening, try to get the story to be told more personally through their eyes.

Descriptions
I liked the description that you did have but I felt that a lot more description is needed, especially in the lake scene, to give the reader a clear image of the scene.

Take this for instance:

“I was awakened by the bright sunlight. I sat up and looked over the edge. Water. I don't know how I knew what it was, but I did. It seemed like I remembered it from many years past. My first thought was that I had some form of amnesia. I was in a very small, wooden row boat, floating in a huge lake (or ocean or sea)... I didn't remember being in one before. There was no land in sight; in fact, I got the feeling there wasn't any solid earth for miles around. The water was clear: exceptionally clear, in fact. I looked down at it, and besides the transparency, it didn't seem quite right. Almost unreal, in a sense. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew something was very different. It was much the same with the sky; it was wide and spacious and blue, but I knew a certain something was absent.”


“I was awakened by the bright sunlight. I shielded my eyes as I sat up. Brushing my brown hair out of my eyes I looked over the edge at the semi-transparent, blue liquid. Water. I don’t know how I knew what it was, but hidden in my memory somewhere, I did. It seemed like I remembered it from many years past. A thought crept upon me, questioning whether I had some form of amnesia. I was in a very small, wooden rowboat, floating in a huge lake (or perhaps an ocean or sea)… I couldn’t remember how I got here, I didn’t even remember being in a boat before. As I looked out into the horizon I could see nothing but the water, there was no land in sight; in fat, I got the feeling there wasn’t any solid earth for miles around. The water was clear; exceptionally clear, in fact. As I looked down at it, besides the transparency, something didn’t feel right. It was almost unreal, in a sense. At that moment I couldn’t put my finger on it but a haunting thought told me that something was very different. It was much the same sky; the wide and spacious blue spreading out as far as I could see, it was a cloudless sky on a warm afternoon, I had seen this sort of day many times before but this time I knew a certain something was absent.”

Format
“Almost unreal, in a sense.” – this is a fragmented sentence, perhaps joining it with the previous sentence will help.

“It was indeed probable that their level of awareness, or conciousness” – “conciousness” should be “consciousness”

“Giant corpses, floating.” – this is a fragmented sentence, try joining it to the one before.

“but I was still alive and concious.” – “concious” should be “conscious”

“It seemed like years were passing and I figured that very well may be.” – this sentence doesn’t make sense. Perhaps trying something like “It seemed like years were passing and I figured that there very well may be.”

"Where'd you get that!?" – you don’t need both the ! and the ?

"Mount Doubt," Other Man said. – add a “the” before “other”


Once again good work on this story, I’m sure with a bit of editing and tweaking it could be a really engaging story. Write On!

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Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi this is a good flash fiction story.

What I liked
I liked the characters you have created, very realistic and believable. I would have liked a bit more description but since this is a flash fiction story it does work the way it is.

What I disliked
Probably the lack of description, I would have liked to see what the characters look like or what the scene looks like.

Beginning & End
The beginning opens the story well, it introduces the character and how he feels (especially about school), this gets the reader interested.

The ending wraps the story up and is a sweet way to end the story.

Plot
This is a small story that flows really well and is easy to follow.

Character
I liked the characters that you created, they are easy to visualise and they seem realistic, even though there weren’t many descriptions of them, if you ever made this story bigger then I would like to see more descriptions here.

Descriptions
There were only minimal descriptions but it worked as a flash fiction work, with not much descriptions being needed. I would like to see some more descriptions if you increased this story.

Format

“I walked down the hall, the din of final bell clanging in my ears.” – “din” should be “ding”

“I chose not to look at anyone, they were all so focused on inane things. Prom, cars, sports.” – this is a bit confusing… what are the eyes focused on? If walking down a hall they can’t be focused on prom, cars or sports…. Instead of “I chose not to look at anyone” explain where the eyes are focused on.

“and threw my hair back into a ponytail.” – what does this mean? Do you mean “pulled my hair back into a ponytail”?

“I waved as I set the CD player’s earphones back on my head.” – you don’t put earphones on the head, I think it should read… “I waved as I set the CD player’s earphones back in my ears.”

Once again you have a good story here and handled superbly for a story under 600 words. Write On!

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Review of Love Vs. Hate  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

This is a good little part of a song. In some parts the rhythm was a bit off but the imagery of the lyrics was really done well.

Here are some suggestions that I would make, feel free to use them or just discard them, whatever you want:

I'm gonna paint the walls with your blood
Hold your face in the mud
Or should I pick you up off the ground
Hoping to hear some sound


Second line doesn't sound right, I think there should be some more added here to help keep the rhythm going. Perhaps, "Hold you with your face off the ground". This would just keep the rhythm going from the previous line.

I'll destroy your inner child
But in my heart, you are not wild
I'll cut you up in little pieces
But in my chest, the pain seizes


Second line I think you should replace "You are" with "you're", using this condensed world will make the line fit better within the rhythm.

It hurts my soul when you're in pain
But my anger will still remain
I'll always think of you as a friend
But I will destroy you in the end


The second line seems a bit abrupt. Perhaps adding something like "But my anger will remain the same". This will help the rhythm.

Another thing that you could do is to fix up some of the punctuation just so that the lyrics read better. You don't have to have as much. Punctuation tells the reader (singer) where breaks will be so using some will make it clear where the emotional breaks are.

Once again this is a good start to some lyrics, I look forward to seeing the chorus when you write it. Write On!

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Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, this is a good start to an interesting story.

What I liked
I liked this character. She was realistic and I could sense her pain and isolation, which is a good sign for a story. I would have liked to see some more descriptions about the character and some more inner thoughts, a lot of her thoughts sound like their coming from the narration and they repeat (her feeling angry and left behind), try to show these by the way the character acts, how she feels and her inner thoughts.

What I disliked
I thought there could have been more descriptions of the characters. You have done really well with describing the scenes but I would have loved to have been able to visualise the characters better.

Beginning & End
“Rika Blake kicked at an empty coke can.” – this is good at introducing the character, it shows a bit of her personality and the rest of the paragraph introduces the reader to her state of mind which intrigues the reader and makes them want to read on. A good way to start the story.

“I hate you,” she whispered, her voice oddly calm and foreign. “I hate you.” – this is a good way to end a chapter, it is a very strong ending, leaving the characters emotions high to start the next chapter.

Plot
The plot is easy to follow and it is a great way to get a reader to know the main character. Not much happened because there is still more to come but you have introduced the main character and set up for the next chapter.

Character
The character you have created is realistic. I would have liked to see some descriptions of the characters, as well as her inner thoughts. I felt some of the paragraphs were just repeating previously mentioned things, when you’re talking about the people whose left her or how angry she is try to show this rather than telling the reader about it.

Descriptions
I loved your descriptions of the scene. I only thought you could have expanded some of the descriptions of your characters.

Format
“her brother left, just left her like one would leave an old worn jacket they cared nothing about anymore.” – I think the repetition of “left” is unnecessary.

“How she hated him for leaving her…” – this is still repeating the “left” of the previous sentences. Perhaps try a different word such as “abandoning”, this is adding a difference to the word “left” and probably adding a harsher meaning, which I think the girl is feeling.

Once again this was a good story, you have set up something for the next chapter and still kept my attention as to what is going to come next. Write On!

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Review of My Turn  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, this was a great story. Very emotional. Here is what I thought of the story:

What I liked
I liked the emotion that was created through the character. You portrayed her pain wonderfully through her eyes and the comparisons that you used to give the description of things such as the disease compared with a car crash worked wonderfully.

What I disliked
There was nothing that I hated with this piece, even though it was small it brought the emotion out through it superbly.

Beginning & End
You set up a really good beginning. The descriptions you used for the hospital allowed me to see what was happening in the story.

Your ending wrapped everything up in the story and it ended on a sad note, which worked. You made me feel sorry for the character, and yet it sounded like she expected that to happen, great work.

Plot
This is a short story about a girl who chose to care for her father while parkinsons disease consumed him. It flowed really well.

Character
I liked the character that you created. She was very realistic and easy to relate to. Even though there is not much dialogue her view on the world is portrayed through her thoughts and this is done well.

Descriptions
you have a way with words. The descriptions weren’t overpowering but they enabled me to envision what you were creating, and the comparisons that you used were great.

Format
“My mother died when I was only two, and ever since then it had just been the two of us, and I nothing, not even something as insidious as Huntington’s disease” – this does not make a lot of sense, “and I nothing”? is that supposed to be “and nothing”?

Once again, this was a fantastic story. You have a wonderful gift with your writing and I hope to read more of your work. Write On!

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Review of A Clown's Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, this is a truly emotional story and I really felt for the character. Here’s what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the emotion that you showed throughout the story, this piece really made me feel for the main character.

What I disliked
Some parts I felt were rushed, perhaps slowing down the pace of the story by adding some descriptions would help get even more emotion through.

Beginning & End
The beginning is a nice way to set the scene. It draws the reader into the story from the beginning.

The ending has a nice moral, “young children are our teachers”, this is a really good thought and it also concludes the main point of your story.

Plot
The plot is about a man who never wants to see his daughter because of the burns to his face. There were no visible plot holes and it flowed really well.

Character
The characters that you created were realistic and could be related to, I would have liked to seen more descriptions of the characters and some inner thoughts of the main character, what he must be feeling would really add something to a story like this.

Descriptions
This is a good story but there wasn’t that many descriptions, they weren’t really needed to make this an interesting read, but if you did add some descriptions about the scene and characters then the emotional impact could be increased.

Format
I didn’t see any grammar or spelling errors. The paragraphs were nicely spread, making it easy to read.

Once again this was a great read. Write On!

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Review by cherry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, this is a good little story.

What I liked
This dialogue seems real, this is so good as I can imagine something like this actually happening.

What I disliked
A lot of the dialogue uses just “said”, this can sometimes get boring to read, try using other words such as explained, etc

Also I believe that you should add some descriptions of the characters and setting to add some interest to the story.

Beginning & End
Starting the story with a crisp statement is a good way to gain the readers attention.

The ending is good, it brings the story to a close and gives the story a good twist.

Plot
This is just a conversation about writing a story. It flows well and is casually portrayed through dialogue.

Character
The characters appear real, and even though there is not much action, they are very clearly portrayed through the dialogue.

Descriptions
There are no descriptions in this story. Perhaps using some descriptions with the settings and the characters would add a bit more interest to the story.

Format

"I'm trying," I said – said should have a full stop after it. – "I'm trying," I said.

"You don't have writer's block, you pussy. Writer's block is just another word for fear. You have to forget your fear in the writing." he said. – after writing there should be a comma not a full stop.

Overall this is a good start to a story. Write on!

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