At first I thought it was just an 'alternate history' thing - which is always interesting in and of itself - but midway through I realized the true depth of the story. It made me stop and think, which I consider a success.
Well I believe you were concerned about grammar, but that by itself is not a huge issue for poetry. As long as you can make yourself understood to others, then you can pretty much do whatever you want. That said, I did find that a couple parts were hard for me to understand - I didn't really get what the "sockets covered in dark" were supposed to be, and the "cold perceptibility" bit was similarly confusing to me. I think this is an issue of word choice, though, and not of grammar. Since I don't know exactly what you were trying to say I can't really suggest any better words in particular, but I don't think you should be afraid of using smaller or more common words when you need to (this isn't to say that you need to 'dumb down' the whole thing, however).
This is my first review (I haven't been on here long), I hope it was helpful to you.
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