ann's (cheerrox) Reviews

ann

Review Requests: OFF

44 Public Reviews Given

82 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2916943

Review of Abcedarius - A child's life

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please accept these words in a tone of helpfulness. If you do not agree with anything, feel free to disregard it.

Hello blaughinrichs! I read "Abcedarius - A child's life" and wanted to offer you this review:

Please take this is a tone of helpfulness. Take what you want and discard the rest. My opinions aren't law!"Note: View this Note"

Emotional Impact:

Cute, gave me a little smile for the day. I think that this is written effectively for the intended impact.

Effectiveness of Form:

Form: Written in aabb, 10-10-10-10 format. The last couplet is cc, also 10-10.}

You don't have any similes or metaphors that I noticed, but I think they would be unneeded anyway. This story is visual and it would just make it overly busy.

Punctuation and Grammar:

I didn't notice any conventional errors.

Closing comments:

Good job! This piece shows promise.

With Much Love, ZandraLynn

2

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2912193

Review of A Little Drummer Boy

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi NickiD89

! After reading "A Little Drummer Boy"

, I offer you these comments:

First Impression:

It was a little bit hard to follow at first (I couldn't figure out exactly why) but it elaborated into a beautiful story about Christmas traditions.

Rating: 4/5

What I liked:

Each child would come up one at a time and receive the present they believed was from Santa. I’d wait and wait for him to read my name. Year after year…

Aww, this is so sad. I hate to think about how this actually is the harsh reality for so many kids. This is a real heart-tugger.

Rating: 4.5/5

Suggestions:

Characterization (Descriptions, dialogue, body language):

To me, it feels like you are definitely lacking in this area. I found almost no description of the characters other than their actions and I didn't really have a mental image of either of them. I suggest that you just work the physical stuff in a little bit at a time.

For example, in the third paragraph, where Nona and Jason greet each other, you could add in some desription as such:

Entering the kitchen, she said, "Jason!" in the melodic way she always said it, her tanned skin glowing and her big smile eagerly widening.And then you follow up with her height description.

Show vs. Tell

I didn't really notice this, which I guess is both good and bad. It wasn't particularly bad, but then again, it wasn't particularly amazing either. I did notice your second paragraph easily though. It (sorry to say this) completely outright bored me. I don't think it's really needed, nor does it add insight to the story. I think this mini-infomercial could be a major turn-off to any readers.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I didn't notice any conventional errors. Congrats!

Great, heartwarming story! Good for the holidays, too. Just needs a little tweaking and you're good to go.

With Much Love, ZandraLynn (~Rain Dancer~)

"True Beauty is worth more than the sum of its parts."

~Unknown
A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

3

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2910409

Review of Yellow

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Paul

! After reading "Yellow"

, I offer you these comments:

First Impression:

I love your opening paragraph. You sucked me in with a compelling command and I just had to keep reading. This story is cute, but also seems to have some hidden depth, which is sadly rare in today's writing.

What I liked:

“That,” said the father “is red.” Ah, the moment of truth. I love this because it is so powerfully strong.

Suggestions:

Characterization (Descriptions, dialogue, body language):

You really don't tell the reader much about the appearances or characteristics of the characters. I think that this is lessening the reality of the piece. I suggest you put in more feelings to help clear these things up. For example, you could say something made the parents fell worried, or they were proud or whatever, just something to give us a little insight into the characters.

Show vs. Tell

There is quite a bit of tell in this story, so try to elaborate a little more.

Ex: Still, as the boy grew, his father knew the yard was not big enough.

could be changed to...

Still, as the boy grew and began to wander further and further, his father knew that the yard wasn't big enough.

Point-of-view/ Passive and Active Verb Usage

I've checked your verbs. They are all passive, but on your POV, you vary from third person objective to third person omniscient. Look at these definitions from NickiD89

:

Third person omniscient -- Uses "he" "she" or "they." This point of view gives the reader insight into all of the main characters. Flat characters A character who reveals only one, maybe two, personality traits in a story or novel, and the trait(s) do not change.

thoughts are not usually revealed. (It gets confusing to know everyone's thoughts.)

Third person objective -- Uses "he" "she" or "they." In this point of view, the narrator does not reveal the thoughts of any of the characters. This POV is often called the "fly on the wall" point of view, because the only insight the reader has into a character is by what he says, by what he does, and by what others say to him.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

At the beginning of the fourth paragraph, I suggest you change the 'as' to a 'when' just to smooth it out.

At the beginning of the eighth paragraph, you can take out the comma after the but. Actually, I suggest you take out the 'but' altogether.

In the ninth paragraph, the last sentence should not have a comma after the 'which.'

“That,” said the father “is red.” There should be a comma after father.

Love the ending! This is a great story that just needs a little tweaking and you're good to go! Write on!

With Much Love, ZandraLynn (~Rain Dancer~)

"True Beauty is worth more than the sum of its parts."

~Unknown
A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2898019

Review of The Pebbled Shore

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Pandion Haliaetus

! After reading "The Pebbled Shore"

, I offer you these comments:

First Impression:

Good philosophy! I love how ou take something so perfect and idyllic on its own, and pair with a strong philosophy to create an enchanting story.

What I liked:

Shifting and sliding against the others in a constant click-click, the pebbles beneath his feet made a counterpoint to the longer sighs of the waves as they reached up the beach, only to fall back into the ocean. The distant cry of the gulls, wheeling in the clear blue sky above him on the slight breeze, provided an occasional break from the two-part harmony.

I love how you use your words in such a way that it's quite like poetry to the ear. Like music.

Suggestions:

His thoughts seemed to end pretty abruptly to me, and I'm wondering how we could fix that. It's alright as it is, and that's fine if you want to keep it, I'm just thinking it could be strengthened.

Maybe you could incorporate some kind of story with the man's life to see a little deeper into how these would affect him. I suggest that you include his thinking because right now, it seems as if he sees two similar rocks, puts them together and that's it.

The ending stood out to me, just because it seemed a little shaky. I know you're being poetic by saying that they told stories to each other, but that kind of thinking just doesn't seem to fit in very well with this piece.

In addition, I suggest you read this out loud a few times to get rid of bumpy spots.

Great job! This just needs a little tweaking and you're good to go!

With Much Love, ZandraLynn (~Rain Dancer~)

"True Beauty is worth more than the sum of its parts."

~Unknown
A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2896587

Review of Thank-you note to my Muse

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Mrs. Whatsit

! After reading "Thank-you note to my Muse"

, I offer you these comments:

First Impression:

Great job! Personally, I love reading and reviewing letters/ memos, so this review might be a little biased because I think they're all amazing. But I am a harsh grader. So take it as you want, because I'm going to stop babbling now.

The quote at the beginning really adds a nice touch. You have correct letter-writing form, so no comments there. You used fragments/ complete sentences appropriately and powerfully for maximum impact.

Suggestions:

Although this is very talented (don't take this the wrong way) it does seem to jump around a bit in the topics. Mind you, I understand that this is all writing/ muse themed, but you jump from high school, to humor, to good books. I''m not saying these are bad topics, but i feel like they need a smoother segue.

Wonderful Work (I told you I love letters.

)!

*star3*Note: This is my humble opinion, do not feel the need to take it as law. Take what you like and discard the rest. Thanks!*star3*

With Much Love, ZandraLynn (~Rain Dancer~)

"True Beauty is worth more than the sum of its parts."

~Unknown
A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

6

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2896580

Review of Dear Daddy

Review by ann

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi BooBoo

! After reading "Dear Daddy"

, I offer you these comments:

First Impression:

Love this! Other than the immense amount of errors (grammatical, spelling, and conventional) this is a sweet letter that hits the heart. This is emotional and creative and you can hear the writer's voice so well. This is so good also because you've given the reader an image of the writer even though you don't describe him/her at all. Good job!

But those conventions, just NEED to be fixed. (Sorry that's really bugging me.)

Suggestions:

Do a grammar, spelling and basics check. This would be great and I would give it a 4.5 if it weren't for the many graphical errors. Let me know if you want help with this.

Great job, touching piece, just needs a good amount of tweaking and editing.

With Much Love, ZandraLynn (~Rain Dancer~)

"True Beauty is worth more than the sum of its parts."

~Unknown
A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

7

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2878445

Review of Untitled

Review by ann

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

You have been chosen as the Featured Reviewee for The Secret Gifters!

First Impression:

Very good. You brought me into the action with an emotion, which is always a good method.

Form

There are a few spots which could use some paragraphing. Whenever you change your train of thought, make a new paragraph.

Grammar

I didn't notice any specific grammar mistakes, but sometimes you get overly descriptive which can be a good and bad thing. For most of it, you are very visual, which is a great thing. But at some points, it's just too much and the reader get sidetracked.

Most Liked

Tears leaked from my eyes as I pushed and pulled the soapy brush along the hard wooden floor. It's so unfair, I thought to myself, for the hundred and fourth time as I scrubbed and scrubbed. The skin on my nuckles was beginning to break, and soreness wasn't helping me do my work. Pausing, I looked up from my work at the clear blue sky out of the window, and sighed softly. This is so visual and like I said earlier, I love how you started it with an emotion.

Suggestions

In this part, the word choice is a little confusing:The next morning, I woke up in the servants dormantry, surrounded by girls my age and older, as usual. It makes it sound like she's wondering how she got there.Try this instead. The next morning, I woke up early, after a long night in the servant's dormantry, surrounded by a sea of sleeping girls, my age and older, as usual.

Personal Thoughts

This is a great story, and I do think you should finish it. It just needs a plot and some tweaking and you're good to go! If you want anymore help, just email me and I'll try to help you out.

Rating

Terrific Job and Keep Writing!

Reviewed by ~Rain Dancer~ Please check out my port.

A review from "Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

8

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2862876

Review of What makes someone a hero?

Review by ann

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Oooooh! I absolutely positively, loved this piece. I feel like you completely and entirely captured the essence of the intense admiration a child has towards a hero, and the disappointment or amazement of meeting a hero.

With Love, ~Rain Dancer~

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2820101

Review of Magical Vegetable Garden

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This review is part of your 2-item port raid from the First Five Contest

First Impression:

Very cute. It made me laugh even it was a little cheesy. The world needs a little more of that.

Form

Where it says 'Samantha ran straight into the middle of town and to everyone’s surprise dumped ripe cucumbers and corn right in the middle of town square. “I told you I have a magical garden,” she sang out. ' There should either be a comma after square or a new paragraph.

I saw no other paragraphing mistakes.

Grammar

'“Oh no” she cried. “If my garden doesn’t grow anymore I will never be able to bring home any vegetables and everyone will think I’m lying.” She began to cry again. ' There should be a comma after the oh no.

Most Liked

'She looked down at the ground and realized that while she was sleeping her garden had grown taller then her house. She climbed to the top of the stalk and looked at her garden. The ears of corn were almost as big as she was and the cucumbers were almost as large as the corn. Now everyone would have to believe her.'

Suggestions

Read it out loud a few times to smooth out pacing in some spots.

Personal Thoughts

Great piece! Very light-hearted and fun

Rating

4.6

Terrific Job and Keep Writing!

Reviewed by ~Rain Dancer~ Please check out my port.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2820088

Review of A Precious Moment

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This review is part of your two-item port raid from the First Five Contest.

First Impression:

I got a bit confused as whether Ebs was a name or a mispelled word, but I decided it was a name. You might want to use a more common name.

On the other hand, I applaud you trying a 100 word no repeat contest. I know from experience how difficult those are (at least, they are for me :))

Form

I saw no paragraphing errors.

Grammar

The only little errors I saw were obviously on purpose as a result of the whole no-repeat thing.

Most Liked

'The fair-haired boy struggles on, destination sighted, never wavering until finally reaching out to be lifted up into mother’s waiting arms. ' So sweet and enduring.

Suggestions

None. I don't feel very helpful here.

Personal Thoughts

Just change the name maybe. That's all I see.

Overall Impression

I don't feel qualified to review this... Great job!

Rating

Five Stars!

Terrific Job and Keep Writing!

Reviewed by ~Rain Dancer~ Please check out my port.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2819006

Review of He's not a terrorist.

Review by ann

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This review is part of your winnings for the First Five Contest.

First Impression:

The beginning is good, but it is not especially hooking. I liked your first paragraph, very visible and well-described. It is not ideal, but it sets the tone and is certainly strong.

Form

The first paragraph should be indented.

I think the pace would be better if you made a new paragraph at 'But they weren't seeing this.' I think it would add a bit of drama, flair and it would make it more powerful.

Grammar

In the third paragraph, 'predetermining that we wanted the bill she brought it with her.' There should be a comma after 'bill.'

When talking about the woman in the orange dress, I think you should take out the semi-colon and make it a new sentence.

Most Liked

'He scratched his beard which was short and stylish the kind of little goatee on the cover of the weeks GQ magazine and his suit jacket had the little Gucci logo sewn into the back. But these people weren’t seeing this. They were watching his actions, his every movement '

Suggestions

Read it through out loud over and over until you're sick of it. Trust me, I do it and every time I change it.

Personal Thoughts

The ending is quite confusing, I suggest you slow it down a bit to make things clearer to the reader.

Overall Impression

Strong, heart wrenching story with only a few minor errors.

Rating

4.7 Stars

Terrific Job and Keep Writing!

Reviewed by ~Rain Dancer~ Please check out my port.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2810130

Review of The Flutterby

Review by ann

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I don't have time to write a detailed review, but I'm making myself review because I loved this piece! You have amazing descriptions and word choice. It's so poetic! You have some mistakes, but I didn't dock your rating for it.

With Much Love, ~Rain Dancer~

Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1442484 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2806443

Review of A Few Simple Words

Review by ann

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

First Impression:

This story is amazing! This is a wonderful example of true forgiveness. It gave me the shivers, but I loved it!

Form

Pretty good, although generally you do not need to put both indentations and lines between paragraphs.

Grammar

Mostly correct, but you tend to switch tenses a lot. There were a couple mistakes that I won't take time to point out now.

Watch those pesky typos: plummetted should be plummeted, nineth should be ninth in the 4th to last patagraph.

Most Liked

Your concluding paragraph, and the part where Charlie forgave her. It just wrenched my heart open; I wanted to cry, it was that good.

Suggestions

At the beginning, I hate to break it to you, but it isn't very inviting or exciting. I suggest comparing you and Charlie to Batman and Robin or some other comical pair.

Personal Thoughts

This story is amazingly touching, but these stories are hard to review because the storyline may be amazing, but it distracts us from the real issue--the writing. So I would suggest taking a really close look on this story, sentence by sentence, all the way through.

Overall Impression

Very good writing, wonderful storyline. There were quite a few slip-ups, but they were very minor and could be fixed easily. I did not dock your rating because of them though.

Rating

Terrific Job and Keep Writing!

Reviewed by ~Rain Dancer~ Please check out my port