Hello And Stuff
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The story in itself seemed to develop in a good length, showing the reader how the story came about and then escalated into a good plot and turnout in the end. The presentation of neatness and clarity of the story needs a little work, as well as the voice. Paragraphing is quite choppy. You will find further help with this in the suggestion area below.
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The classroom scenes and how they developed in the end where good and realistic in most aspects. Could have used a few more visuals and senses. The plot worked out very well. Dialogue between the characters is kind of choppy and hard to follow along with in some areas. Suggestions on how to break them down will be in the suggestion area.
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
I knew the characters where there and I could even feel them at times, with things that were taking place. But I had trouble getting a visual about them. What do they look like? How do they dress? How do they act?
The story line is exciting, learning about a students activities throughout the day, and things that persuade them to react or think differently about how they foreseen something in the beginning.
I could see the scene changes within the story, but they need to be broken down into a clearer view for comprehension.
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
The spelling area looked good here, as well as most punctuation. The grammar and paragraphing need a little working out though. More on this below, also in the suggestion area.
"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother 2 words."
Suggestions/Ideas:
The way your story opens, does not attract my senses. It feels weak. BUT, I think with some rearranging just a little, might help in that situation. Have a look below and notice the changes I've made.
(The original way.)
It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher. "Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class." The girl looked up.
"Oh great" she thought.
"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.
"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.
(Changed version.)
"Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class."
It was the first day of classes. When Grace sat down in her English class, the teacher stood up to introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher.
Grace looked up. "Oh great!" she thought.
"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two at a time, and each of the two that I draw will interview each other." Grace rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa and Jack Scuvinsky", the teacher called. Grace turned and saw Jack.
"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Then she got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.
Friday came around finally. Classes were over for the day. Grace went back to her dorm and logged onto Instant Messenger. Her best friend from home was on.
Friday finally came around, and classes were over for the day. Grace went back to her dorm and logged onto Instant Messenger. Her best friend from home was on.
Grace went through her classes and got back to her dorm at about 3:10. Jack knocked on her door about 5 minutes later. He must of have looked up her dorm room number on College Friends, a website somewhat similar to Myspace. (this is purely a fictional website) They worked on how they were going to work out their newscast and looked up the weather in their hometowns. They added some humour to the weather report. The whole time they were laughing and cracking jokes.
They added some humour to the weather report while laughing and cracking jokes the entire time.
(This paragraph needs breaking down in order to read and understand it properly.)
Flashback. Last Semester. First day of Freshman orientation. She sat down in the chapel for the president's speech. A tall brown eyed, brown haired guy sat next to her. "Hi, I'm Kyle." "I'm Grace." "Nice to meet you Grace." The president's speech was given and Grace and Kyle shook hands and went separate ways. Only to bump into each other in Grace's dorm.
"Hi." Kyle said. "Hi." Grace answered. "You want cake? I have some that I know I won't finish by myself." Grace's birthday was that day and she had gotten a cake from her parents some club on campus made when people ordered it.
"Sure." Kyle answered.
Grace cut some cake and she and Kyle talked and talked and talked. They bumped into eachother at the opening ceremonies at the church across the street.
They bumped into eachother several times. Then the night of homecoming dance came. Grace was coming back to her dorm room from working on the set. Kyle was just walking out of Frimmels from talking to another friend of his.
Flashback. Last Semester, first day of Freshman orientation. She sat down in the chapel for the president's speech. A tall brown eyed, brown haired guy sat next to her.
"Hi, I'm Kyle."
"I'm Grace."
"Nice to meet you Grace."
The president's speech was given and Grace and Kyle shook hands and went their separate ways, only to bump into each other later in Grace's dorm.
"Hi again." Kyle said.
"Hi." Grace answered. "You want cake? I have some that I know I won't finish by myself." Grace's birthday was that day and she had gotten a cake from her parents.
"Sure." Kyle answered.
Grace cut some cake and she and Kyle talked and talked. After Kyle had gone, they continued to bumped into each other several times. Once at the opening ceremonies at the church across the street, and then again the night of the homecoming dance. Grace had been going back to her dorm room from working on the set, and Kyle was just walking out of Frimmels from talking to another friend of his.
Do away with the (*****) scene breaks that you have throughout the story. To be honest, they are distracting and sometimes annoying to the reader. Instead, just break down your scenes into paragraphs, yet also remembering to break down and separate dialogue of characters.
Try combining those short sentences into longer and more meaningful ones. Give them some depth, maybe a few extra visuals to speak of like tapping feet on the floor, or waving a hand around, (hand gestures), little things like that.
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed learning how the students figured out how to make something rather boring into something quite fun, interesting, and enjoyable.
Overall Comments:
This was a fun story to read. It has most of the basics, but I believe with a little work, brushing up, and editing, it could be a blast. I hope I have been of some help where you may have wanted it, and you don't give up on it. It really is a good story that just needs polishing. Thank you for sharing it.
Best wishes,
Terrie
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