Hello, writer.
I just completed your poignant story, Cheerleader. Stories like this always make me wonder if they’re true or not. Cheerleader certainly moved me, thus this review. Admittedly, reviews on stories like this are challenging, because if it is a true event, then how do you measure it? What can you say without taking away from the emotions that were present when it was written? I decided to review this differently from the reviews I normally give. I hope that what I offer in the way of a review is helpful.
I’ve decided to focus on sentences in the story, most were written quite well, others just need tweaking and a bit more effort on your part to make it a much stronger story.
So, let’s get started. I will list the sentences I have chosen and enclose them within quotations, and type up suggestions, et cetera, underneath. Alright …
“My best friend used to be my cheerleader.”
The following sentence you stated that you could not ask for someone more supportive. The sentence is in the present tense, so when I read the leading sentence of this story I thought your best friend was no longer your cheerleader. I might have said, “My best friend is also my cheerleader. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive friend. From here I would have done exactly what you did, which were to laud her strengths. Also, this removes the hint that something tragic happened, and later when you introduce it, it can have more impact.
“I had never believed in soul mates until the day that I meant her.”
Remove “had”, correct “meant” by replacing it with met. You may give a short, descriptive reason why you never believed. “I never believed in soul mates, they were the things of fairytales, until I met her. You don’t want to use fairytales, but whatever you use, it will be an opportunity to describe the main character and bonding her with the reader.
“However, that all changed one horrible night that I will never forget, no matter how much I want to.”
Look at the dynamics here: horrible night, can never forget, hopeless because I won’t ever forget. The last part of the sentence, “No matter how much I want to,” is leading the reader. It hints too much toward how this story will end – and however it ends, the Cheerleaders’ demise is not forgotten. It’s not necessary to say. The reader knows how “this person” feels. You could write, “However, that all changed in an instant,” and maybe something that would convey the feeling and emotion involved, such as, my heart broke in deep cracks. Just don’t give away the story … it’s too short.
“Nothing good ever came of a middle of the night call, especially from a strange number.”
You could say… came from a call in the middle of the night. This tells when it happened, but you described what type of call it was. Determine which is more important.
"Hello?" I asked, all traces of sleep had gone.”
Remove “had” this makes it sound as if it is happening now.
“In the background I could hear beeping and the white noise of many people rushing about.”
Beeping would become part of the white noise; with white noise you aren’t able to distinguish sounds. And, you can’t hear rushing.
"I think you should come down the hospital."
Add your preposition. Also, would the doctor be calling? Even though he is a minor character, hardly one at all, still, this is a chance to build character, he would be more authoritative if he said, “You need to come to the hospital.” The way it was written, I thought the main character would have last words with Lex.
"I don't know what to do, Lex." I said through a sniffle.”
So what is troubling “her?” Is she despondent over loss, or does she need an answer to a problem? This sentence starts a paragraph that needs a transition. The last paragraph, Lex is dead, and the next paragraph your main character is at the cemetery.
“It was at that moment that a small gust of wind pushed my bedraggled hair in front of my eyes.”
A gust is a brief, strong rush of wind. Bedraggled is dirty and disheveled. Is this the image you wanted to create? I think her hair would go “over” her eyes. I think the entire sentence could almost be cliché, this seems to be what the wind does, a lot – something fresh, new and original might present a stronger, better, or different image.
“I couldn't stop the gasp that escaped me.”
No one can stop their gasps, because they sort of come out unexpectedly.
"Lexi?" I asked, feeling hope begin to build within me.”
Hope for what, the last piece of advice, or cheering from a ghost?
“Another gust of wind, from a previously breezeless day started up.”
Change this, your writing is strong enough to create a strong sentence, don’t let the wind do the work for you.
“The little feather danced across the air, almost beckoning me to follow.”
You have plenty opportunity to “show” in your story. I’d like to see how this feather danced in the air. Drop the “little” description of the feather. I’m thinking it is at least 3 inches long; little would make it about an inch.
“I followed the prancing feather across the cemetery, winding among the tombstones.”
This is good, it denotes traveling. The feather is floating with high energy. Here I would look at order … the main character is going across the cemetery, among the tombstones, if you reversed this, among the tombstones, across the cemetery, it would give the feeling of several tombstones over several rows, as opposed to a clearing, and then some tombstones.
“It sailed down to land close to the young man who was knelt beside a grave, much in the same way I had been only moments ago.”
I thought kneeling would have been better. Actually, both are correct, but “was knelt,” hmmm. I would have said, was kneeling, and then, I might have said he knelt beside a gravestone, since it is hard to kneel beside the ground. Even knelt or kneeling on the grave, so, you would remove “besides.” You’ll want to choose the word that sounds better, and take into consideration the cadence and tempo. But I understand that he stooped.
“Not a second later he reached other and picked it delicately up from the grass.”
You mean “over.” Maybe, “picked it up delicately.” This is an opportunity to “show” how he picked it up, you could use words like scooped, take up, removed, lifted. You can have him touch it, smooth it out, smile from its significance, become sad by its presence, water at the eyes from seeing it, and then scoop it up, transfer it to his hand, coax the tired feather, with a delicate hand, picked it up in wonder. Incidentally, I’m a fan of phrases such as “not a second later, or, not for five minutes … I like how it sounds to my ear.
“That day was the worst and best of my life.”
To me, this is a jarring contrast. Imagine the confusion? This notion had to be gleaned in retrospect. It takes from the “now.”
“It was the lowest point of my grief and the height of my loneliness, yet it was also the day that I met my closest friend.”
Here you tell us the results of meeting the good-looking man that picked up the feather. It rubs wrong because the main character is telling me how they are feeling now – grief stricken and lonely, and then the main character jumps ahead and tells me how the guy ended up in her life. He becomes her closes friend.
“He wasn't my soul mate, that title was truly held by Lexi, but it was the person who held my heart.”
Soul mates encompass either a close friend, or a romantic partner. Why can’t he be the next soul mate? He brings passion to the main character’s life, and true friendship. OK, he doesn’t have to be a soul mate, but to spell it out like this diminishes the role he play.
“Our friendship was passionate, burning and true, a romance for which I hadn't been looking. “
The friendship can be passionate, the friendship can be true, but the friendship sounds funny if it’s burning. Here you are talking about something that happens in the future.
“It was the day that I started believing.”
This sentence follows “Our friendship …” Can you see that it is out of order? You’re talking about the friendship and speaking of something in the future that had to grow over time. You then revert back to the day you were in the cemetery. The day you began believing. I call this a “jerk.” But, back to the sentence, believing in what? Ghosts, soul mates, feathers? What?
“She always had been my best friend, and always would be.”
This doesn’t work for me, Lex’s personality, as mentioned here, wouldn’t have wanted this. It suggests that the main character didn’t learn anything from the friendship. I would think that just knowing Lex would allow her to be able to release – not hold on to a title.
You probably thought I’d never get done, LOL – I just think that this is such a sweet, strong, and moving story that motivates and gives hope. It behooves the writer to put their best foot forward and allow the emotion to guide them through the rough spots and struggle if necessary to paint the picture slowly by using the right words, being consistent, and not give the story away. It is a short story but there are plenty opportunities to build up the momentum. Out of sorrow she finds love. Wow!
And, by all means, tell me who is telling this story – I can’t relate, I cannot bond with a no-named person.
This is a story that has all the potential of giving a hurting person hope. It just makes sense to fix it.
My rating is based on the story as is. Thank you for putting it out there. ChapterXXI
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| (3.5)
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