This was found during a random read and even though this is not the kind of stuff I usually review, I thought I'd give it a go. This was very informative and while I can't judge it on my usual criteria of plot, flow, characters etc. I do feel that I can judge it on it's merit as a travel log. I found it well structured as a whole and interesting in it's anecdotes. Some grammatical issues, but overall pretty good.
I stumbled upon this during a random review and I thought I would stop and comment. I thought this was pretty interesting. It actually reminds me of some of Poe's poems. Obviously not as far as the subject goes, but I think if Poe was to write about Horses it would have been structured in this way. I thoroughly enjoyed it. ~ CH
This is great. I am usually not a big fan of paranormal horror. I tend to be into more psychological terror type stories, but this one really grabbed me. You have a great ability to grab the readers attention and really keep us engaged. Keep up the great work. ~CH
First off, this was so well written. One of the better things I've read on here in awhile, but I do have one question. Why does Jonathon care so much about revealing the truth of Vampires specifically? Also, How does he know that they exist?
I just feel like there was a missed opportunity here to help connect the dots for the audience. He is portrayed as having a logical mind in the way he deduces things through the first paragraph, but he is obsessed with such an illogical subject. Now if he never discovered a Vampire, I would just assume he had fallen into some form of madness, but alas he finds one.
It just seems like more information would help. Did he have a run-in with a vampire as a youth or perhaps some sort of loss. I mean he has no vendetta against Vampires, so nothing to major, but just something to make his motives seem more realistic.
Like I said before, this is so well written. SO thanks for providing a really good read. I just want to know more and understand why Jonathon behaves the way he does.
This is great, I personally can't figure out why I've never thought to do this myself. Usually things like this come off gimmicky, but I feel like the upside-down format of this actually helps express the confusion and indifference that the you were writing about. A great job at creating a simple, but powerful effect. ~CH
I stumbled upon this randomly, and thought I would do a quick review.
It's a bit to on the nose for my tastes, but it is well executed. It has great continuity, but it's lacking the imagery ad metaphor I usually look for in a good poem.
My overall opinion of this poem is that it's not a poem, but a well executed statement of how you feel.
The following is just my opinion and it is far from a professional opinion.
I am not exactly sure what this scene was trying to convey and for me that's a major issue. Every scene should cause development of some kind and this one just felt flat. Now, I did like the way you handled Rain's thoughts. I think her character seems like one that could have promise. The biggest issue I think this had was just the flow of it seems so off. I would reread some of those sentences and see if there is a way you could restructure them. I hope I didn't come off too harsh. My first drafts always need tons of love, so thanks for sharing and keep on writing.
This is very powerfully written and like all poems it is subject to multiple interpretations. To me the protagonist seems unbalanced in a way that borders on mentally unhealthy and the fact that they are in a cabin and not ones home, the fact that she was waiting to feel his embrace was presented in a way that came across as she had never felt it, but she still loved him. It definitely comes across as an affair to me. As I said very well done.
This is well written and I didn't notice any obvious grammatical errors, so kudos for that. It's a little redundant for my personal tastes and while the message is powerful, there seems to be a lack of passion throughout. Thanks for sharing and hope you have a great day. CH
This is a good start, but there are some serious flow issues throughout. Also you used were instead of we're, theirs instead of there's and were instead of we're again. The point is a little muddled, but there is some nice imagery in the fourth line. Keep writing and refining your work, your doing great.
Hi there.
just stopping by to give a random review. This is a good start but there are some punctuation errors. I would definitely use ?'s to identify and emphasize your questions.
Also without any periods or commas to dictate stops and pauses,this has a very staggered flow. Another error is that after "when I speak" it should be "no one answer(s)"
As far as the actual piece goes it is very descriptive end has a lot of emotion which makes it a nice piece of poetry.
Thank you for sharing and keep up the great work – CH
First off, I am no expert by any means and these are just my opinions.
So if you look at this piece as a stand alone writing it's a little confusing. I would say as a rough draft it's a good step in the right direction.
This helps explain the ideas and themes that you plan on tackling. This also helps you visualize who your character is and who you want her to be.
So knowing that you want this to be a book, plan on reshaping these early chapters later on.
So I would focus on character development over the next few chapters, and expand on the themes you started slowly. You can always edit your work for errors later on.
I look forward to seeing how this progresses into a story and how she progresses as a character and a person.
This was great. Very well done with the perspective of someone from outside of our environment looking in. The strong points for me are the bits of humour and the strong narrative.
The weak parts for me are all grammatical. The first paragraph is almost one run on sentence. I would go through and read this outloud and add periods, commas, and semi colons to where you want stops, pauses, and longer pauses in that order.
So I don't usually give out 5 stars if there are any grammatical problems, flow problems or structural problems,but I l really love this. You do a really good ob utilizing your commas for dramatic affect and to emphasize your overall point. The only problems I have with this is there are some lines that the rhyme scheme feels a little forced, but it doesn't hinder the overall quality in any major way.
I like the soul behind this, the actual emotions and idea are great. The grammatical side of it is not so great, but that's not a big deal. You can tweak it and make it a better piece of writing pretty easily. Instead of pointing out errors individually, I am going to show you how I would have written this. If you want more information on the specific reasoning behind these choices, feel free to message me. I do like the power behind this piece and my edits are just what I personally think would make your presence shine through brighter. I would also add that you might want to try to add some metaphors and a little more imagery to your piece, but these are very stylist and can change or add to the emphasis and meaning of a piece, so I am not going to regurgitate my personal style all over your work. Sorry for the ramble, but I really am just trying to help you out, hope I at least succeeded there.
(Mostly just grammatical and flow changes, hope this isn't intrusive too intrusive.)
None of this was supposed to happen.
I never meant for all of this; the bloodshed, death and chaos. I was just a hungry girl --desperate to survive.
Yes I stepped one foot into the wrong road. Does that give you the right to blame me? I'm not saying that I should have done it. I know I shouldn't have. Even so, wouldn't you have done the same? Seeing your brother, sister, and even your parents starving. Watching as they slowly slip away, right before your eyes.
I could have been the hero. The girl who saves her family from starvation and even death. No, I could never be the hero. You must know that I never meant for everyone to die like this.
In one way, it seems like I caused all of this, and in some ways it's true, but does that make me a villain? Am I evil? No. No, not to me. All I did was save myself from this swamp that I was slowly sinking into.
For once you won't be reading about the perfect hero who did nothing wrong and swooped in to save everyone. You won't be meeting the celebrity everyone loves, has loved and always will love. No. You're stuck with me. The girl who just made a mistake. The girl who everyone says is the villain.
Hey there,
I was perusing the horror section and stumbled upon this piece of hellish awesomeness and had to review. So first off you do a great job setting the overall tone of the piece.
After the quote and the first few paragraphs it feels like I am in hell, in allbof the best ways possible. I love the the narrative, perspective and use of imagery.
Some of these lines like; "jelly like package of skin" made me laugh and cringe. Loved it!
The end I didn't love, the whole transformation into a rat seemed out of place and bizzare. You did a great job letting the reader know that more was coming as far as the rats go, I was just personally hoping for somethingnelse. Something less permanent, to me hell should be endless orbon a perpetual loop of somn sort. Still these are personal preferences, the story itself is great and well written.
Hey Jeff,
I found this to be generally well written. It kept the pace going throughout its entirety, and worked its way up to the end very well.
Some of your sentences run a little wordy for my specific liking, especially in a horror piece. Of course this is a stylistic opinion and not a grammatical error.
I didn't find it scary, but it was entertaining. All and all this was well constructed with a funny and realistic ending.
I personally would have had the clown make balloon animals with the guys lower intestines to hand out to the kiddos, but that's just me. - CH
Hey there,
First things first, thank you for making me laugh for the first time today. I am not sure why you wrote this, but I am glad you did. I personally love to read something silly every once and awhile.
(Now on to the review.)
Well written, the rhyme scheme works well with the silly aesthetic.
I found no visible spelling or grammatical errors.
The flow is very consistent.
I enjoyed the "@!&%" part, gave it a very comical vibe. The whole thing was very whimsical.
Just stopping by with a random review. I have to say that the antecedent is funny, but the beginning line feels so disjointed from the rest of the story, that you almost don't even need it. I would restructure this story a little bit to make it even funnier, and fix up the grammatical errors.
Something like this:
My Building Frustration
I rushed home through one of the nastiest blizzards of the year. My sole intention to catch the highlights, only to be defeated by a locked door.
Slamming my hand against the door, was a stroke of genius that cause a three foot ice spear to impale itself into my shoulder. I make a quick 911 call and slump against the wall. Realx they tell me, okay I say sarcastically to my silent phone.
(just an example)
How did my fantasy team do last night any way? I wonder to myself alone and getting colder. A grin crosses my face as I look at Tom Brady's stats from last night's game. My frosty glove covered fingers ghost over the title of "EPIC 80-yd touchdown pass!" I click to watch and sit back against the icy wall, my throbbing shoulder burning with bitter resentment. I glance down a moment later to find that the blue loading bar hasn't even moved an inch since I first clicked it. I quickly check my internet connection settings, to see I have 3 bars "What the f***" I mutter. I wave my phone around like a nut job, in a desperate attempt to stave off boredom and conjure up an increased internet connection. No such luck. After 5 minutes of trying, my shoulder feels like it will explode if I dare to even look at it. I can feel the increased pressure of monotony squeezing my very soul with itchy fingers. Continuing an almost unholy quest to drive me mad. "Come on!" I scream. The screen changes and I'm instantly relieved to finally watch Tom Brady's epic 80 yard touchdown pass. My happiness quickly morphs into dread as I am beaten by the screen's message. "We're sorry but your request has timed out." There is a brief calm before the storm. About ten seconds before I let my anger loose, and watch my ridiculous neon green I-Phone rocket through the air and collide with the far side of my house. I feel vindicated as I watched the phone fracture into what appears to be millions of pieces. "Ha! Take that!" The room was completely silent. My shoulder falls out of place and I am racked with instant pain before I crumble to the freezing ground. The pain subsides and I start to laugh, "I don't need that s***ty phone anyway. A heartbeat later I realize, that I never gave them my address. Just an example of ways to make it more engaging, in my opinion anyway. I am far from an expert, so hust throwing my two cents in, have a great day and thanks for sharing. Write on.
Good morning, Just doing a random review. This is a nice little antecedent. It just has a lot of grammar problems, and I find that they take away from the flow of your piece. I would try restructuring it and break up into two paragraphs. Read the sentences out loud and see which ones that you think run together, or stop abruptly. If you want a full critique of this or any piece, feel free to message me.
Thank you for sharing your story, and keep on writing.
I like the free spirited feel of this piece. I just wish it was a little cleaner. The last two lines just feel a little disjointed. I would work on just tweaking the ending slightly. Overall, I can tell that friendship is important to you, and expressing yourself through written word is always a hard thing to do. Good job, keep on writing.
Hey I stumbled upon this, and figured I might as well throw in my two cents. I also write from the heart, and I am definitely going to check out some of your other writings. This is one of those cute, explain something poems, informative and helpful. I do find it Ironic that your poem is about expressing things in a flowing artful way, and that's the one thing this poem lacks. The rhymes just feel a little forced, that's all. All and all, it makes a good introduction. Looking forward to reading more, keep on writing.
Thank you, for taking the time to express your feelings openly. I will do the same for you, and of course these are just my flawed observations and opinions. I like the fact that this poem is a little rough around the edges. There are some flow problems, and grammatical mistakes. Nothing that takes away from what this piece is about, that feeling of being categorized and undervalued. That feeling that people don't understand you is prevalent, but as is the paranoia, anger and entitlement that come with this type of perspective. I think you should save this, and when your a parent write a similar one, through your new found perspective, and you will probably learn a great deal about yourself and your journey. Keep writing and expressing, it's what makes us unique from everything else on the planet.
Wow! Good job. I really enjoyed this peace, Your love shone through the entire piece. To me, if your emotion is strong enough to move and connect your reader to you, then you have done the hard part. There are a few flow problems,but nothing that takes away from the beauty that is this poem.
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