Such a relevant story. As an older person (okay as an ancient person) I find myself shaking my head every time I see young people buried in electronic devices on days when the sun shines, and trees beg to be climbed. It is troubling to me that social networks, such as Facebook, tend to bring out narcissistic traits, always checking their status, likes, and using every conceivable way to change their appearance so as to appear perfect.
It takes a certain kind of parent to cleverly and subtly help young people see the world outside iphone. I understand the advantages, but am saddened by the lack of social skills in this modern age, and as you so deftly point out, the lack of appreciation for their own bodies.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
A few slight grammatical errors but nothing you won't find for yourself, and nothing that detracted from a wonderful story of realization.
I've given this a top rating. It is beautifully told and who of us, being parents, does not understand the humor and the sensitivity of a child's mind. That said, your tale made me roar! You used just enough descriptive words, and perfect flow, never losing me as a reader, and keeping me riveted with this wonderfully innocent confrontation. We are taught how to be parents by our children. Thank you for entering this piece, it gave me a truly inspired moment. Congratulations on your parenting skills, your children have taught you well.
At my tender age, a quarter past whatever I hoped it would be, I finally found a voice that speaks up for my writer's heart. Beaten, ragged, blood red and still open to every beat.
I'm not a poet, not a writer of good poetry anyway. The thing I like about this is that it confronts, explains, deals with and is, in the end, triumphant.
It is really, for me, a poem about life, everything pertaining to life, all that we fear in wanting to survive.
Technically I can offer no critique, as a poem about life, and about triumph, I can say it reached out to me.
I've had the distinct pleasure of reading through your portfolio. Pleasure is too vague a word. The beauty therein astounds me and gentles my senses. My father was a professional fisherman, I myself have been connected to sea and sky for my whole career, now finished, and indeed, as tragedy has found a way to flirt with us mortals, lost my wife and youngest son to the sea after the Estonia disaster, so my connection to the sea is in some aspects deeper than most. Do I believe in Mermaids? I am in love with one still.
Thank you for the beauty, the peace, and for allowing me to sink beneath the waves of your poetry and find solace.
Ill tell you, as an old man, what IS inspiring; to find young writers with this kind of ability and intellect and having the good grace to follow their beliefs and offer their talents to this world.
What a great sequence, so good that I can only hope this is a part of something much longer going on in your head. A truly worthy winner of Yera's Sci Fi contest. Your writing style is swift and clean, the 'paintings' brilliant in colour, as you show us the battle to survive. Congrats, and I for one, will certainly want to read more of your work. Bravo
Isn't it fun that you don't close! I can get my sorry old ass out of bed and walk straight to the library, and it doesn't matter what I forgot to put on!
Thank you so much for past kindnesses.
Who Will Run the Frog Hospital? Lorrie Moore, is what I'm reading. It's kind of weird, not sure I like it, but also know I have to finish it.
This is a beautiful piece of prose writing. I'm biased, I feel, as I can identify with it in a way I cannot explain here. I loved the descriptions and the sentiment, even the hopelessness, and the expectations, and the finality of love...there was. Two people adrift in a universe, meeting, being, friends and lovers, needless of words. Lost to reason. Maybe you never meant any of this, which is okay. It is the role of a writer to allow a reader to take from it what they will.
Bravo indeed. I will look out for more of your work.
I've been reading the stories in your portfolio. What emerges from them is your humanity toward animals, toward human beings. Your writing is both heartfelt and intuitive. You possess a nice 'easy to read' style, without pretentiousness. I don't believe you to be a literary genius, just a damn good storyteller. There's a difference, genius sometimes lacks connectivity to the reader, while a good storyteller does quite the opposite.
I share your love of animals, having two horses, fifty head of sheep, eight border collies, and five cats, as well as 'bluster' a Shetland pony, with a bad attitude!
I was raised by a fisherman, lived on an island, lived through my own person 9/11 and have arrived at this point in my life, which is called 'ancient' to have been privileged with the love of two women, three children, and a career most men are only want to have. Your stories touched me, I would like you to know that.
Love, whatever it is, Lesley, was surely made out of marble, prone to cracks, but everlasting.
Beautifully conceived, so beautiful I hope it's based on fact. I thoroughly enjoyed the story, felt the warmth, the excitement of love. I'm connected to the ocean in a very special, deep way, having lost my wife and youngest son, Daniel, in the Estonia ferry disaster. The love you speak of, well I have had it, been touched by it, felt its leaving. Just once, one time, for one day, I hope your readers have felt what you have felt.
I cannot offer a critique, just to say thank you. Bravo.
Just an excellent piece of writing. Thoughtful and simple. The most enjoyable thing for me was your imaging what the ant must be thinking and hot it felt. Bravo.
Even with good dialogue, good narrative is necessary to stage the scenes and to connect them to other parts of the story. Dialogue alone rarely constitutes a scene but with your narrative skills you have discovered the correct balance between the two, which is every writer's goal and often results in the best writing, which I'm delighted to say I found here. Without doubt one of the very best pieces of work I've found here.
Full marks for punctuation.
Like it or not, punctuation is something we have to master. Punctuation marks within your story tell the reader to pause or stop when you intend them to; in partnership with the words you chose, they add meter and rhythm to your writing and make it dance off the page. Bravo.
Full marks for 'show v tell'.
Telling versus showing is a hard concept for some writers to grasp. Telling is important but knowing what to 'show' is vital. It allows the reader to let fly his or her imagination.
Full Marks for content.
I was hooked by the first sentence and was encouraged forward by smart, intelligent writing with a terrific plot sewn into the fabric. It never waned throughout, bringing me to a satisfying conclusion.
I like what you've conceived here for a story, what I'm not sure about is why you would use it as a prologue? The way it is written, seems to me, would work perfectly simply woven into the story. Well done. Good storyline.
Seems we have a love of the oceans in common. You must have enlisted angels in the entirety of this project: in understanding and in unveiling the weightiness and the beauty of the ocean and in the painting of the Mermaid. The angels failed you not, and you heeded their wisdom well. In so many regards, so eloquently - and at the same time, so plainly - expressed, the piece should be everywhere… simply everywhere. Loved it. I will follow your work with interest and admiration. Bravo.
It is easy to see why your work is held in such high respect. For me personally the story comes to life through dialogue. Writing dialogue is one of the most essential skills any writer needs, most especially in my opinion as a fiction writer. Since most big scenes and many minor ones rely on dialogue, one must be able to write it well. Even with good dialogue, there is an important need for good narrative to stage your scenes and to connect them to other parts of the story. Dialogue alone rarely constitutes a scene. Discovering the correct balance between the two is the writer's goal and here you achieve a high standard. I'm new here and so being learning to offer a critique is a skill I will have to work on. Let me say this: Your use of the word 'stiffened' (3) is repetitive. I cannot fault the work at all, nor I suspect could far more gifted writers than I. Bravo indeed. I'm another fan.
Champion
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