Hi aralls!
I'll be reviewing "Majesty"  [ASR] today, and hope to offer some feedback you find useful. I can promise to give you my honest views on your work, tempered with tact. Above all else, please keep in mind that it's your work being reviewed. If I see a potential opportunity being overlooked, I'm likely to bring it to your attention.
First Impressions: I really didn't expect the ending your story provided. I was surprised to find out who its main character really was. There were spots I felt tripped up, which I'll point out in the below breakdown, but overall, I found your concept very interesting. A unique perspective.
Presentation:
This includes its title, brief description, paragraph & sentence spacing, and font style & color. --Generally, I recommend the phrasing "A story about" or "In this story", so you might want to revisit its brief description and tighten it up a bit for added reader interest. Don't underestimate the power of the brief description to lure in the curious reader.  Make the most of it.
Its title is written three times, total: once in the item's title spot, and twice within the body of the item. I'd recommend removing at least the small-case title. I think I realize what it was you were going for there, the impression of the smaller title under the larger title, and if you're tied to getting that across to the reader, you might explore an alternative title, as in an image of the words. Or, pull it up close and set it in a softer colored font? --Everything else in its presentation was good. 
Setting/Time: This was kind of interesting. The reader was left with a fair amount of questions about the story's setting, and we had few clues about when these events might be happening. Its landscape, instead, was the internalization of its main character, with the exception of a few external details. I thought that approach was very fitting.
Characters: Limited to a single main character, which is the single most effective stance a writer can take when crafting a short story, this held only two peripheral characters: a guardian character and a villian. Despite that, I found it very difficult to become involved with this main character in any meaningful way. I believe some of the writing got in this character's way, and I'll cover that in more detail below. The plus here is the big surprise I got at story's end. Some of the details you offered a reader were, I feel certain, impossible for this particular character. Since all information the reader gets is filtered through this character's perspective, careful adherance to the character's knowledge-base becomes critical to believability. With the information you've given us, we've been deliberately duped, and that doesn't feel very good.  Example: Apparently the little girl hoping for her Prince Charming still lived in me - for a moment. Those spots can be easily plucked out, and more subtle information put in their places.
Plot: Mainly internalized, character-driven plot, with a few externals offering an assist to the overall structure of it.
POV: It began by establishing a strong first-person narrative, then waivered into a monologue/second-person(ish) narrative. This is one area in need of greater attention. Its third paragraph typifies the deviation from its established POV, and is found in several paragraphs.  Keep this in strict, first-person. You must have sensed this was the most powerful vantage point, and I believe your gut instinct was correct. Stay with that. -->Talking to the reader is a distraction, and lowers its level of tension. You'll want to keep that tension mounting.
Tense: This is another area of concern: it bounces around from present, to past, to present and past perfect, etc. I'd urge you to return to this story and bring everything into the present tense. It'll add a sense of urgency, engaging the reader at a greater emotional depth.
Grammar/Spelling: Paragraph 1/second sentence really threw me off. Take another look at its structure. Also, you might like to find alternative means of punctuating those instances of ellipsis (. . .), which normally are used to show that a portion of a quote has been left out, or some measure of one's dialogue has been left out. In most instances, a comma would do the job. Other than those two issues, this read clean.
Pace: Pace was being interfered with, again, by the deviations in POV and tense. This will likely fall into place when the other issues are corrected.
Author's Approach:
My impressions on the author's approach to storytelling in this instance.
Here's where I thought your intensions were pure. You offered an inventive perspective (the main character) and wanted to do it in a secretive, surprising way. That, in itself, isn't new, but it is very enjoyable to read if done well. While the writing might not have met the author's intentions at an equal level, I think some extra time put into this story will fix that.
Recommendations: Correcting its POV deviations, tense errors, and sticking to your main character's knowledge-base will greatly improve this story.
If you choose to edit this story, you may like to focus on these tips:
*Show more, tell less.
*Stay with the "I" perspective while using "I" infrequently.
*Keep everything in the here and now, adding urgency.
*Intensity is your friend. Use it.
I wish you all the best of luck with this story. If you should choose to edit it, I'm happy to return and re-rate/re-review it.
Again, aralls, keep what's useful, what benefits your writing, and put the rest of it in the circular file cabinet.
Thank you for sharing your work.
MetaphorSquared  |
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