Hello, Sgbiehler. My name is Sian Chapman.
Firstly, I would like to say that I like this piece. I like anything with elves in it, and this is interesting, unlike some other elvish stuff I have read, in which the main character spends a lot of time travelling. I also like anything from the point of elves. However, I wouldn't have it as a prologue, unless the rest of the story is told my a different character. If the elf is our main character, and the story isn't set a couple of years into the future, then I would just have this as your first chapter.
Now, before I continue, when I read a story, I normally import it to word, and use the comments button. So, I’m going to go through it paragraph by paragraph, highlighting the things I think you should change, or need attention. Remember, everything is my opinion, and should be in no way taken as writ.
Okay, here goes:
The first thing I noticed about your first paragraph was the amount of stuff in it you didn't need. You start with something exciting happening: an elf racing to get to a friend. Now, you tell us that in the first paragraph. I would personally leave it for the reader to figure that out, because if they don't know why he's in such a hurry, it would add a certain urgency to the chapter, and the delay in his journey by the dwarfs would matter more.
Now, why you have something exciting happen, I don't particularly want to have the scenery described to me. Sure, i want to know where he is but, for example:
A single rider raced along the earthen path as a chilly breeze blew idly over the misted hills.
I would personally get rid of everything after earthen path. The fact that there's hills doesn't particularly matter to the story, and you get the feeling that it might be chilly from this sentence:
It was an early spring morning
Early, and spring, suggest that it might be cold.
Also, in this paragraph, you repeat a lot.
For example:
and a lone traveller made his way
You’ve already said a single rider galloped along the path. We don't, in my opinion, need to be told that he is by himself again.
Also:
Dirt flew behind the elf as his horse’s feet dug deep into the loose soil as he galloped along the path.
I'd get rid of everything after soil, because you've described the galloping so well, that it's just extra baggage if you tell us again.
This sentence confused me:
Though the intruders had been driven back by the superior skills of their elder kin and forced to sign a treaty the war was inevitable.
mostly, because you'd been talking about Hel just before hand, and i couldn't figure out whether you meant the elvish elders or the Hel's elders. Because it's from the point of view of an elve, you can sort of guess that it's the elvish elders, but, in my opinion, I shouldn't have to guess.
In you second paragraph, you had this sentence:
his superior eyes able to see what those of the other races could not
I would personally delete everything after what, and replace it with others could not. We can fill in the fact that it's other races, and the sentence gets wordy otherwise.
You also say:
With a twinge of regret,
That's, in my opinion, telling. I would show it, using something like: the elf sighed, or the elves shoulders slumped. I’m not sure, I don't know the character well enough.
In the next sentence, you also use, with a, and it sounds, to me, clunky and repetitive. I’d find something else. Also, in the paragraph, you tell us after he's sent the horse away, that it will return shortly. We can tell that from what happens later in the story, and the way the elve sends the horse away shows us he's not worried about having to lose it. I would get rid of it.
In your third paragraph, a lot is happening, and the overuse of description, in the first two sentences especially, slows the action down.
The elf lowered his hood briefly and wiped the dew from his brow. He stepped knowingly into the trap, a dagger hidden beneath the sleeve of his traveling cloak.
It’s too much. Try: the elve stepped forward into the trap, a dagger hidden beneath his cloak
It tells us what we need to know, and what’s happening.
Also:
“Stop! Toss me your pack and that pretty gold ring as well!” The dwarf demanded in a deep voice.
We can tell by the dialogue that he's demanding, and as he's a dwarf, most people will, in my opinion, assume he has a deep voice. I would get rid of everything bar the dialogue.
In your fourth paragraph, its' mainly technical issues. After: the dwarf said, I would put a comma. I would also replace 'and a pair of men' with 'with a pair of men.’
In your fifth paragraph, the problem in mainly dialog tags:
"The elf replied," he's answer a question. You can tell he's replying. And then there's this:
Bolik swore loudly. “I think I got him!” Ker yelled.
“That’s me, you idiot!” Molin replied angrily.
“Keep your wits about yeh, that pretty boy’s here, now find him!” Bolik yelled.
We don't need to know who’s yelling what, we need to get the general idea that they're confused. I would try:
“I think I got him!”
“That’s me, you idiot!”
“Keep your wits about yeh, that pretty boy’s here, now find him!”
In you sixth paragraph, I would delete the 'suddenly.' You can tell it's happening suddenly. Also, the dwarf yells, "you can not hope to win," which seems, to me, a bit melodramatic. Maybe: "you can not win!" would be better?
Also:
lunged forward towards the voice
If he's lunging towards the voice, then it seems to be to go as unsaid that it's going to be forwards. I would delete it.
Also:
The sounds of a brief scuffle reached the lead dwarfs ears and a moment later the mists parted
I would try: The sounds of a brief scuffle, and a moment later the mists parted to reveal’
In your seventh paragraph, you say:
Pressing their backs against each other in a defensive stance.
I can pretty much tell already that it's a defensive stance. You also say: The attackers had to fight inwardly to avoid answering the whispered questions. That seems to me like it's telling. I would say some thing like : the attackers pressed there lips together, beads of sweat forming as the fought not to answer the questions. also:
Molin, the remaining human looked from one way to another following the rapidly moving shapes for any sign of the elf.
I’d put 'and' after Molin, and delete from one side to the other, and replace it with around, or something similar.
Also, after elf, with the start of the dialogue, you need a new paragraph. I would also:
“There! Did you see him?” He asked his companions.
Get rid of the tag, because you haven't given us any clue to who 'he' is, and the speaker can only be speaking to his companions.
In the eighth paragraph, I would delete: 'The whispers urged him on.' we can see that they're urging him on.
In:
The dwarf’s eyes were clouded by the effect of the spell and it seemed that a great secret was before him, just
I would but a comma after eyes, delete were, and put a comma after spell. it seems to make it flow better. Also, in the next sentence, you don't need: 'in a trance' we can tell from his actions that he's in a trance. In:
After all,’ he thought, ‘why should I stay when they will soon die.’
I would delete when, add a full stop, and delete why. Mostly, because when the dwarf talks like this, he sounds like your elf. Maybe this was the way in was supposed to be, I don't know, but it doesn't seem right to me.
In:
drew him away and the dwarf
I’d delete away, and put a full stop in, otherwise, it seems to me that the sentence this belongs to is too long and confusing.
in the ninth paragraph, i would replace your second 'the' with and 'a', put a comma after metal and a comma after thump. Also, in this sentence:
shielding his face with his arms. Trying to hide the evil
I would replace the full stop with a comma. It just reads, to me, better. Also:
leading into the ravine thirty feet below.
Is the ravine thirty feet below the man, or thirty feet deep. If it's thirty feet deep, I would say: leading into the thirty foot deep ravine, instead.
In you tenth paragraph, again, it is mainly technical issues. with:
But at the moment
You mix up you tenses. It should be: but for the moment.
In this sentence:
To the dwarf’s surprise the mists parted to reveal the elf a few paces away
I would put a comma after surprise, and replace to reveal with revealing.
In your eleventh paragraph, again, it's technical stuff. I would put a comma after true, and replace the comma after ‘This is my choice’ with a full stop. I would also get rid of 'the elf offered,’ because you can tell from the dialogue that the elf is offering him these alternatives
In the twelfth paragraph, I would delete the first 'even'. The sentence, in my opinion, doesn't need it. Also, when you first introduce him by his name, I would but ‘the elf’ after the name, so we know we're still with the main character. I would also get rid of 'answer to his summons'. We can garner from the later parts of the story that he's been summoned here. Also, this sentence doesn't make sense:
Esidius looked around the open fields within the city and memories of the years he had spent in training before settling in Ades.
It’s like you haven't finished the sentence. I would replace the full stop with a comma, and end it with something like 'swamped him,' or 'came to him.'
In your thirteenth paragraph, you seem, to me, to have trouble with the dialogue tags again. For example:
“Yes? May I help you?” A woman in white robes inquired.
the question mark, to me, already tells us that she's inquiring. Maybe: a woman in white robes answered the door, or something like that? Also:
“Come in, Mage Obdurah is very ill so try not to stress him overmuch
I would put a comma after ill.
In your fourteenth, and last paragraph, it's simply a matter of punctuation. In:
Eisidius started in surprise, the Cleric Council consisted of seven Mages each with great responsibility. It was said they protected a dangerous secret.
I would replace the first comma with a full stop, and put a comma after mages. In:
we will soon be overrun with criminals and I fear much worse.
I would put a comma on both sides of and. and lastly, in:
Obdurah’s voice became stronger as he spoke but now he paused as though arguing with himself for several moments.
I would put a comma after spoke.
I really liked this chapter, or prologue, if you like. A lot happened, and it kept me interested. However, after I had finished reading it, something struck me. Why did the dwarfs attack him in the first place? The elf seems adamant that they're working for someone, and are a lot higher up then a bunch of thieves, but I can not see what would give him that impression. Do the dwarfs know that he's rushing to his old master, to take his place? They don't seem to. They only seem intent on robbing him. And why would robbers know the plans of those higher up in the dwarfish food chain?
Anyway, a highly enjoyable piece, I hope my review helps. Remember that all the views are mine, and mine alone, half of them are probabl wrong anyway,
Sian
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