** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This review takes the form of my thoughts as I read through your story. Please take all criticisms as an expression of my personal opinion. As always, thank you for posting your work.
“the bantering that followed” feels awkward. How about we move ‘shrill’ over to describe the bantering. I’m not sure what kind of song these lyrics go with, but I’m imagining the drunken kind. They were nearing from behind *him.” Or “The voices grew louder behind him” which would indicate that they were physically closing in. The sentence is too vague by itself. What kind of accent is that? At first it seems strongly Scottish, then it deteriorates to plain English. I would love to read more accented dialogue. It wouldn’t hurt to give some description of the two *men’s voices (I assume they are men) or some visual details when they are talking to him. It would liven up the passage.
Capitalize Captain each time they address him for consistency. Since all this happened before the present, I would go back and change the first sentence to “the penetrating song HAD shattered his thoughts…”
Flashback within a flashback! I’m not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. “So it was that Gus’s mind HAD wandered…” I’m sure you mean ‘vanished’ not ‘vanquished’. What’s with the short little blurb about the horse? You can give us those great details during the journey or while he cares for the horse. It seems like he just gets down and leaves the horse by the mailbox. It’s okay to take a paragraph and have Gus doing something physically without a ton of internal reflection.
“As Premier Sentinel…” This information seems like it would fit better in the beginning. I was under the impression that he was a pirate captain or something. What does he hope she understands? The word ‘granted’ is used an unusual number of times. Perhaps you should find another way to say it. That aside, I like the paragraph that begins: “Wae, honey, I’m home.”
“I’m in no mood for games this evening” seems to strict and grumpy, considering he was just smiling at the thought of his stunning wife. How about something like “I’m too tired to play games this evening”.
Everyone knows that a thick black cloud coming from the ground is smoke. It’s not some mystery. You can come out and call it smoke. Or at least finish his thought “that could only mean…fire”. His heart is racing and he is racing. Find another word to use. “crack in the stone wall” Is this his usual method of entering the city? I assume so, since he goes through here to look for his wife, who is not home. Perhaps he should install a gate.
The same smoke as what? Like there are different kinds of smoke, or the same smoke that he had seen from his dining room. Speaking of which, did his dining room have a window? “Yelling in every direction” is a funny phrase, like he stood in one spot and rotated, yelling her name every 15 degrees of the compass, or something. Then he starts walking and immediately finds his wife. That was convenient.
“still and unmoving” is redundant. Can we have some other details? I’d like to see what parts of her condition are horrific, besides being passed out on the street. ‘Horrific’ seems a bit strong, unless she is covered in blood. Yes, ‘Why here?!’ indeed. How did he know she would be in the town? “She tried to speak…” Oh! So she’s awake! You could clarify some of this section by making certain things obviously from Farowae’s perspective.
I would put the part about “spread out…unknown source” when he first saw her. Then I would combine your two sentences to say, “Gus began searching her limp body for broken bones, trauma, or poison, but found no sign.” “This felt much different from the rest” of what? “Baby” as a term of endearment is pretty 20th century. I would pick something more period like ‘angel’ or ‘honeycake’. Instead of “there was nothing”, how about “She couldn’t speak”. Don’t say ‘fought hard’ twice. It’s okay to say ‘fought’ twice, or just take out the second occurrence and let “to express…” act as a modifier. “and more agonizing even than the pain… WAS knowing that…” Add that verb to clarify. I would say, “a greater surge of emotion” since he’s already feeling so much.
Saying her eyes were no longer dimming is unnecessary. “Consumed her body in the greatest embrace” is weird. Look for a word that sounds more like enveloping and less like eating.
Suddenly, the main character is not Gus but the stranger with a crescent moon insignia! I want to read more about him. Now it seems weird that you gave us so much backstory for Gus. Since I can’t tell what direction you will take this story in the future, I can’t really give advice on this last bit.
Overall, the prologue is interesting and fun to read. I hope you don’t give up on this story.
Have a blessed day.
-Cerulean Raven
Knight of Faerie
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
|
|