This is a very good story. I've always been partial to animals over people as well, so I know where you're coming from.
The only suggestion I would offer is to try to bring more imagery into the story. It's being "told" rather than "shown" and would benefit from some color.
I really enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing.
I saw your request for honest reviews on the request review page. I have listed my suggestions below:
I did her a service. You used a line almost the same to this at the beginning of the same paragraph, so this one is not needed. And, the line before it, But in doing so I set her free,has more of an impact without it.
Wearily, my heart goes one Change one to on.
“ Did you really believe I would let you escape with such a light sentence? Backspace "did" to meet the quotes.
It's fine to keep "his" words in italics, but you should end the italics when you narrate. Then, begin the italics again when he speaks. It will look and flow better. Also, double space between each paragraph and between dialog.
Lastly, the story focuses too much on I and My. Bring in some imagery to spread the mix.
What a beautifully written account of Ken's last hours of life.
I have a feeling he knew when he awoke, that day would be his last, and he accpted it, knowing that he would be "whole" again very soon. I have a feeling he was there for you, as much as you were for him; maybe his blink was to let you know that You had nothing to fear?
You've done a fine job telling this story. I thank you for sharing.
You have a great collection of short stories that appeal to all ages. Titles like "When Momma Said Grace", "Ghost Train", "Death on the Horizon", "The Knight in Tarnished Armor," are very intriguing and peak the curiosity.
You're right, leaving the old stories "as is" is a good way to see how your writing has changed, matured, and improved over time.
Great job! Thank you for sharing these strores with us.
Although this is a poem from the heart, the words "my love" are very repetive and take away the flow of the piece. If you remove 98% of the "my love's" this poem will stand on its own and be deserving of a much higher rating.
Your contest is one of the coolest on w.com. I mean that sincerely, as I am one of your previous winners! And what was the prize? A horror merit badge! Yeah!
Not only can anyone win, but they have so much FUN while playing.
I remember many a red-eyed night, staying up late to see what question might be asked next. And, when one came up that I knew, I'd yell aloud and quickly hit reply to the question!!
What a great, fun way to spend a night, even a date night; you can play while you neck :-0
I read this twice to capture the full meaning of your words. It is my understanding the doctor's injection is ending the man's life. Wouldn't it be more believable, what with a doctor's oath and all, that she would turn off the machine that kept him alive, rather than kill him with needle?
We fell back onto the blanket laughing, and he planted a sensual kiss on my mouth. I broke the kiss, looking around nervously for Slyvia.
Suggestion:
The picnic was a success. I finally got to use the picnic basket I'd picked up in early summer, and I loaded it up with typical picnic fare: fried chicken, potato salad, fresh fruit, and peanut butter and jelly for Slyvia. If you put a period after summer this would be an easier read.
This is another well told story. Your imagery is vivid, your choice of words right on.
suggestion:
His wife was a zombie. “I came back, love.” She constructed a smile. “I made it so you and I can be together, forever.”His wife's decayed mouth curled into a smile. "I came back my love; now we can be together forever."
Hi
I saw your story on the request review page. You are off to a good start with this story. It could benefit from some of the suggestions I've listed below.
Some quick suggestions:
Double space between paragraphs and dialog; it makes reading easier.
Use spell-check. It doesn't work for everthing but you have words here that it would work for.
Proof-read your work before posting it, and make edits according to the proof-read/spell check.
If using a word like mom or dad, Cap it when used as a name; ie: "Mom, I lost my shoe." Mom is being used as a name, so it's capped.
If you use it this way: "I told my mom I lost my shoe" then it's not capped because you're simply referring to the person.
Try not to use "he said" or "she said" so often. It get's boring. MIx it up and with practice you'll get the hang of it
If you put these suggestions to use your ratings will go way up.
What a gripping tale of drug abuse as told by the mother. My heart goes out to you. Your story has a happy ending, though. It could have been so much worse; he might still be using rather than getting the professional help he needs.
You poured your heart and soul into this story so that you could share it with others, and hopefully help other moms out there who are pulling there hair out right now.
Though this is a good story, I'm not "feeling it." It's being told to the reader rather than shown to them. I know the little boy wants to be adopted, but again, I'm not feeling his need. I'm just reading the words.
This is a beautiful, well written poem. Your stanzas all flow nicely, each one containing four lines. Your grammar looks perfect as well. Thank you for sharing this lovely, heartfelt poem with us, especially during this holiday season.
CC Shea
Thank you for sharing this poem, especially with winter sneaking up on us!
I especially liked this stanza:
Sinking deep in shifting snow
As onwards you trudgingly try to go.
But the exhilaration you get in the end
Is worth as much as making a friend.
Suggestions:
Ice, snow, now comes the fog,
Weather not fit for even a dog,
The cold, the freezing biting cold,
To venture out you need to be bold.
In the first line you might want to say, "Ice, snow, and now the fog." And the 3rd line is repetitive as you've used cold twice. You may want to say something like "the gloominess and biting cold." Or something like that.
These are just my opionions. I hope you found this review helpul.
Very well written poem. I'm glad I read it. This stanza shows your fear:
I had to go down a lane with bushes piled high on one side,
And my breath came in gasps, my eyes fear opened wide.
I would think that I could hear following footsteps behind,
And always the shadows played tricks with my mind.
I had to read this poem twice to get the feel of where you were coming from. The 2nd time was the charm! Now I GET it! I will say this, from what you've written here, I think you should turn this into a short story. I would read it! I hope you found this review helpful.
This is a well written poem. You've done well to show us colors with the use of different flowers.
My suggestions:
But without them English gardens would not earn praise.
My mind wanted to read, But without them English gardens would not earn "such high" praise.
Skylarks winging above meadows in clear blue skies.
again my mind wanted to see, in the clearest bright blue skies.
Once you get the hang of such long lines, the stanzas flow much more clearly. However, your last stanza is REALLY long. It breaks the flow that took some work to begin with. You may want to rework that so it keeps in flow with the rest of the poem. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I'm not quite sure what a trip to Florida has in common with your poem, other than palm trees. You stuck to the theme of every two lines rhyming, but I'm left to wonder if your poem lost its original purpose due to that rhyming sequence?? Lastly, this is the most confusing part of the poem, at least for me:
Those soldiers have not died for their sons to live in poverty;
or to struggle in the land that they adopted to be free!
I hope you found this review helpful.
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