This is really well written and interesting. From the way it ended, I'm assuming that there's more to the story, and I'm looking forward to reading it.
Just a couple things I noticed:
[[You safe]] you're
[[Six am]] AM
[[ “Up, Leah, Now,”]] now doesn't need the capital
[[ “Sadist”.]] "Sadist."
[[warm vicious slop]] should this be viscous?
After the panic attack, and during the group scene, you sometimes change from present to past tense.
And one final thing: I have no idea what NA or D.T.ing mean. Well, I'm guessing that D.T.ing means detoxing, but no clue about NA. It would be helpful if you spelled those out at some point.
Just my 2 cents.
This is really intriguing. However, it could use some proofreading. You have a number of typos and misspellings that I found very distracting.
-you often don't capitalize 'I'
-you often don't capitalize at the start of your dialogue: [["go ahead kill me, i am done witht this life anyway!"]] should be "Go ahead, kill me! I am done with this life anyway!"
-there are just a lot of typos, such as 'witht' in that quote, or 'beign'. I don't have time to hunt them all down right now, so I'm just going to suggest you use spell check.
But other than that, the content of the piece is really quite good.
Your dialogue is very well written. My one suggestion would be to somehow indicate that the speakers are changing, when it goes from Danny and Kinney talking to Danny and his mom and back. I didn't notice the extra spacing until I looked for it, wondering when the speakers had changed. Maybe split it up with a row of dashes or asterisks or something in between.
Also, I don't really understand this one part: [["Mostly in your head, Danny. I just happen to need a projection point, which, when you were four, was not such a subject for discussion."]]
What do you mean about it not being a subject for discussion? I think this would work fine if you ended it with 'projection point' instead of then talking about when he was four, because that part lost me.
But this is a nice horror story. It was entertaining and I found spooky.
This piece captures emotion very well. It's very bittersweet and I quite like it.
Having said that, I do have some suggestions.
[[Forged steel fingers, a stout ash shank and a smooth beech handle.]]
Pitchforks have only one piece of wood; you can call it a shank or a handle (like a broom handle, not like the handle you find on the end of a snow shovel) but there's only one.
[[when his hands had grow hard calluses]]
This should be "grown"
[[we moved on to lifting vegetables and digging in the same compost and manure into the long beds in the walled garden.]]
This sentence gets a bit confused. Try something clearer, such as "and digging in the same compost and manure, but now we were working in the long beds in the walled garden. We were finished with the glasshouses".
In your dialogue, use commas instead of periods. For example, [[‘I hope so.’ He said]] should be "I hope so," he said.
[[he called he Sweet heart]]
This should be "her"
Also, Sweetheart is usually written as one word.
One final thing: sometimes you have "gaffer" capitalized and sometimes you don't. It's a bit distracting.
Well, I'm intrigued. This is a great prologue.
My one suggestion would be changing the second sentence [[Her torso leaned forwards and her short legs burned as though they were struggling to keep up.]] It seems a little awkward to me. Perhaps change it to "her short legs burned as they struggled to keep up" or even "catch up" since she's leaning forward? "Her torso leaned forwards and her short legs burned as they struggled to catch up"?
Also, I assume the sentences bracketed by <i> are supposed to be in italics? At least on my screen, the italics aren't showing up.
Just my 2 cents.
I'm interested to see how the rest of this piece develops.
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